Dramatic Bullshit Queen... All of their secrets shall come to the light

I just want to die...

2010-07-13T05:47:00.000-07:00

It's hard loving someone and just knowing it's over, not because you want it to be but because it has to be. I love this person more than anything and I can't be with them anymore because it's destroying my life. I was a different person before I met Domonic. I had loved before, but never to the point where I all but became that person. It's the kind of love that destroys you because there's nothing you wouldn't do for that person. It hurts so bad when you know someone's been lying to you for a long time. It's hard when you know all of this and you let it go on because you love the person, because you want to be with them no matter what...

I love you Domonic, but I can't do this anymore. I can't. I can't accept the lies anymore. I can't accept the bullshit and half of you. Can't you see that you're killing me and that I deserve so much better?

I know that he's getting high. There might be other women involved. I do know that he hasn't bothered to call or text me in four days. I know that he lied to me. I know lately he doesn't call me the way he used to or treat me the way he used to. It's hard going from being someone's princess to trash to them. I feel abandoned by him. You want to know the worst part? We're having a child together.

I think he's lost to me forever, but I don't know what to do if he ever tries to come back... It's so hard not to believe a lie because you want it to be the truth so badly... It's hard not to believe that somehow this time will be different because you want it to be. This is so fucking hard.

Here's what I want to do. It's just going to be hard to stick to it because it's really hard. No matter what Dom says or does things have to be over between us because I deserve so much better. I need to give my daughter up for adoption when she's born because she deserves a family that has their shit together, want to be parents, and are emotionally stable. I need to really get back into 12 step meetings. My mom would help me rebuild a normal life if I gave up my daughter for adoption.

That's what the plan should be. That's what it needs to be. It's just so hard when you love someone. Your head and your heart are two different things. It's like all of this sounds great until I talk to Dom. And somehow I convince myself that it's us against the world and that the world is lieing to me. I convince myself that he loves me and that we can get through anything, that it's all going to change because he said so. But, that's a lie. He's not going to change. His actions don't show that he loves me anymore. Remember, love is an action word. I know in my gut at one point in time he did love me, but the guy who used to love me doesn't exist right now... His addict self does...

Where do I even begin?

2009-12-12T20:42:00.000-08:00

Me and Dom stopped talknig for awhile and I suppose that somewhere along the way I fell in love. I thought that I would never take another chance on someone again, especially after Mr. Wrong and Robert. But, I did. And I am still taking that chance. We are now very much together. it's crazy to say this but I have never really had sex with someone that meant something to me. We'll see where this all goes...

Everything unfolds...

2009-09-10T22:18:00.000-07:00

I had the wrong email address. This guy scares me and he makes me feel vulnerable. I've liked him for a year and nothing has been able to happen. He makes me feel like I could want a guy again and learn to trust him. Not just meet a guy and trust him from the very beginning. What can I say? I can be a silly girl, if not a completely stupid one.

I've changed so much. I'm not as dramatic as I used to be. I've simmered down a bit. Would I wait for this guy until the time is right, where it can happen? I don't know. He'd have to ask me and then I'd have to know what I'm waiting for. I just know I will never allow another guy to ever treat me as I've been treated before. What shall we name this guy? I think we will call him Dom.

Dom reminds me of Robert, except he wants to change. Robert is out there getting loaded all over again. Five months ago it made me sad, but it also made me realize that I had completely let him go. I just didn't care anymore.

Sometimes when someone hurts you enough, after awhile, you feel nothing. You eventually get over the pain, the tears, the heartache, and you're just tired. Exhausted. I was sick of trying to make something work that had died. I woke up one day and realized he's never going to care about me the way I deserve. I can't make him. He will always want to be with the mother of his child. I can't change that. And that's okay. I don't want to change it. I just don't care...

Mr. Wrong and Alyssa had their baby. He's a beautiful baby. I don't hate them anymore either. I just don't. I realized hating them took time out of my busy life. They were living their lives, happily, not knowing I hated them. Alyssa's stressed out because she thinks he's cheating. No matter how much he denies it she won't let go of that notion. I didn't tell her this, but ofcourse he's cheating on her. It's what he does.

I'm going to school so that I can work in the medical field. It's a bottom position. But, if there's anything I've learned this year is it's okay to start with nothing. It's okay to start from the bottom and work your way back up. I'm broke most of the time. For God's sake, I clean houses when I'm not in school. Can I tell you a secret? I'm the happiest I've ever been. I never thought I'd say this. But, material things don't make me happy. I have real friends today. I love my life despite my own bullshit. I'M FUCKING HAPPY AGAIN...

I haven't

2009-09-10T15:17:00.000-07:00

Wrote anything in a very long time. I've been so very busy lately, just trying to figure out this thing called life. In any event, I am very stressed out about a situation right now. Remember I wrote about a guy I couldn't have in my last entry? Well, he gave me his email address. I wrote him yesterday. It shows that he opened the email. I am just afraid that he didn't read it and that someone else from his program did. I'm afraid he's in trouble. Anyway, I guess I won't ever know... Sooner or later I will. It's killing me. I hate waiting to know something. I suppose the accurate thing to say is I hate not being in the know. I should post more from now on. I'm not sure if anyone even reads this anymore. Doubtful. I think this is more for me now...

No one Understands...

2008-12-24T17:25:00.000-08:00

They really fucking don't. How can they when I barely understand anything. I feel slightly depressed right now. It's Christmas eve and for the first christmas even in probably my entire life I'm virtually alone. There's only one person I want to spend it with and I can't... No one gets it. They just don't.

They always tell me you guys can't ever be together. You don't meet in rehab and end up with someone. It doesn't happen that way. They don't see what I see in him. All they see is someone with not alot of money, younger than me, and not that cute. They don't see what I see. Because, if they did, they'd want him too. But, their right in all they say. He is younger. Mr. Wrong was way hotter. And he has nothing. He's in rehab. But, he gets me. With one look he just knows. You know when you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that someone has seen past your pretty face? That you're more than that to them? Like you just know? That's how it was from that day.

It's not as if we were in the same program. We were in two different programs, one a male program and the other, the one I was in, was a female program. But, they had this event one day in the summer. It's like the one day where they can really talk to women. He infuriated me from the second we introduced. I thought he was completely off the hook. But, I can tell you one thing. He made me laugh. He made me smile. And I'll never forget that for the rest of my life.

You know those people that you know that you will never forget? He'll always be one of them. I miss him more than words could ever state. I haven't seen him in a month. I have to see him before I go crazy.

Progress report

2008-11-15T18:44:00.000-08:00

A really long time. I've missed writing in here, but like I said I was going to rehab. And I've been there. And I'm almost done with it. One month to go. I had four months clean when I put myself there. I just felt like everything was falling apart and there were days when I wanted to kill myself. I've learned so much in treatment. I've grown so much. I'm alive again, like right before Mr. Wrong got out of rehab. I'm that girl again. I'm beautiful. I'm alive. And I know it. It's not perfect. I've got alot to sort out, but it's gonna be okay. I'm gonna be okay.

Alyssa's pregnant. Shocking. I saw her and Mr. Wrong a month ago. I was dressed to kill. I was home on a pass. She's fat, pregnant, and her baby's daddy is off the hook... And me, I'm recovering and can do anything I want to do once more. I want to live, be happy, and survive today... There's this guy I like in another program... but I respect that he's not supposed to talk to me... I know, I know, my downfall

Once more...

2008-06-18T07:38:00.001-07:00

I'm leaving. For rehab. I wonder what will be said about me when I'm gone. Probably absolutely everything and anything. So, let's see, what's going on for the minute before Rashelle comes to takes me to rehab...

Jessica came around as she always does in the end. What can I say? we seem to be stuck together as friends on some level. Anyway, lately she knows what's going on with everyone...

Jane came to Jessica's in tears. Apparently Jason said that he had things going on and that he couldn't see her right now. We all know what that means. He wants to fuck other girls, right? Obviously...

Anyway, she's been hanging out with Matthew pretty much everyday. Matthew been creating quite the stir lately. Everytime Mr. Wrong isn't around she is all over him. I saw that when I was in sober living a couple months ago. When I saw them I even asked her if her and Mr. Wrong ago. As Matthew grabs her ass she tells me that her and Mr. Wrong are doing really well. Unbelievable...

Jessica can't believe Alyssa turned out to be such a whore and Alyssa can't believe that I don't like her. What is wrong with everyone? It took both of them that long to figure out both things? My god...

Goodbye, my loves. You'll get an entry in about a month or two. It time to leave and truly take care of myself. Everything will be alright...

I'm pretty much...

2008-06-15T18:36:00.000-07:00

the deffinition of a lost girl right now. I used to always say I was lost in the back of my mind or that I didn't know who I was. We always know who we are. It's just that sometimes who we are is too much to face, so we go around saying we don't.

Let's see. I was the poor little rich girl. I was mommy's angel. I was the preppy girl. For a minute I was a metal head. But, always between those things I was an addict. Let's be honest, shall we? Crystal and coke were my lovers. They wer emy first, last, and always. People always said they would be the death of me. Sometimes I wonder if that's still true.

Lea's as good as gone. It's hard to talk to Rashelle. I can't call Robert or even Mr. Wrong. Jessica doesn't understand any of this. Kathryn and I rarely ever talk anymore. Hell, I'd settle for Joey, but these days he'd just shut me down. He used to never shut me down. I used to have his attention for hours on end. He'd listen to all my dramatic spews.

What happened to these people who loved me so much, or at least I thought they at least cared. They've all changed so much that it's like looking at strangers. I just want someone to listen to me, someone to care. So, I can say what I've been dying to say. I'm dieing inside and I'm drowning in the middle of the sea. Would you throw me a life jacket, please? But, even if they would listen I would never say that.

And the only person I can talk to out of all those people I listed is Mr. Wrong. But, things are so awkward between us. He kissed me. And instead of letting him like I used to I pulled away and asked him what he was doing.

"I missed you..."

"You don't get to miss me because you did this. I got to miss you for as long as I wanted to. But, I stopped missing you. You don't ever get to do this to me..."

"I'm still in love with you..."

"You were never in love with me to begin with. You don't love anyone. And I don't blame you. It's not your fault. You can't because you don't love yourself..."

"Well, neither do you?"

"What do you mean?"

"You walk everywhere holding your looks as a badge of honor so someone will notice, anyone..."

"Fuck you..." I said softly.

"You don't mean it..."

"You're right. I don't. I'm going to go before I say anything else I don't really mean..."

Sometimes I miss Robert. Sometimes I hate him. Sometimes I'm indifferent. I'm just tired of crying. It hurts. Maybe I'll call Jessica tommorow and tell her that she has no choice but to meet with me and at least hear me...

"Things change.
And friends leave.
And life doesn't stop for anybody..."

Everything feels so messed up...

2008-06-13T09:44:00.000-07:00

I can't stop crying even as I write this. It feels like everything I ever built is falling to pieces. The people I love aren't being who I want them to be, or how they're supposed to be. I don't even know Lea anymore. It's like talking to a stone wall. We used to do everything together and now we don't. We've fought before. We've had big fights. I wish that's what it was. With a fight you can say things you don't mean. And then you can say sorry. And then things can maybe one day be the way they used to be. But, when there's no fight, and no one's done anything there's nothing to apologize for. We're just not going to be friend's forever, like we used to be. We've been friends, best friends, since I was fourteen. Well, if anything, this is the year where I'm learning forever is impossible.

Oh, who the hell am I kidding? I've known forever was impossible since the day I was born. But, I guess there's this part of me that wants to believe in it so badly, that I'll let people knock me to the ground everytime. Ever heard of the queen who fell from grace? Welcome to my world...

Saying goodbye...

2008-06-09T17:58:00.000-07:00

I said goodbye forever to Robert. Ofcourse not face to face. I wrote a three page letter to myself that will never reach him. I kept thinknig one day we'd have this great conversation that would fix us, the situation. Nothing can fix the situation. Words have yet to be invented. And we will never have this conversation, because he doesn't deserve to hear how I really feel. Not now. Not ever. I deserved so much better than he could give. I'm done. With him. With his brother. Goodbye to that chapter in my life. Here's to a new one...

"This is my goodbye to you because I can’t do this anymore.
I may not be strong enough to stay around, but I’m wise enough…
To know it’s way past time to let you go.
I am going to miss you so much…"

The gossip...

2008-06-03T22:44:00.000-07:00

Since that was the original intention of this blog. Let's see what is going on in the world I live in...

I saw the girl Robert chose after things didn't work out with his child's mother. She couldn't believe that he had baby mama drama. I really wanted to ask her how she couldn't know that? How stupid can one person really get?

Alyssa didn't invite me to her party last weekend. That's shocking. I think she's still somewhat upset over the fact that I slept with Mr. Wrong last summer. Whatever. Speaking of Mr. Wrong...

I saw Mr. Wrong tonight and he looked at me with those eyes. Yeah, I'm throughly convinced that those eyes will draw me into him until the day I die, or at least until I no longer know him. Sometimes he gives me a look and I think he wishes that he had chose differently. Fuck, if I were with Alyssa, I'd wish I had chosen the girl working the corner...

Amos came out of the closet. Such a pity. I really wanted to have him for a night or so. It could have been fun. He told me even if he primarily wants men, he'd make an exception for me. Gee, how did I ever get so lucky?

Jasmine's in rehab. I do miss her quite a bit. She always was the younger version of me.

Jason hasn't been around lately. There is a rumor around that he's dealing crack. Interesting. But, not likely.

I haven't heard shit about Robert. There's probably not much to say there. Will he choose this new girl on the scene or his baby's mama? The soap opera will one day unfold. Sooner than later, I expect.

Alea is still pining for the one in jail. Boring. No one knows what's going on with Jane, really. They tel me she's doing well. Even more boring. They tell me how happy Alyssa is, well except she's unhappy with me. Do you think I care? Not a chance in hell?

Haven't heard a thing about Mr. X in forever. I think he's now in the Marines. No one cares about Mr. Unmentionable really. He became boring as well as useless after he settled down with his trailer trash. Someone get in a fight or cheat on your significant other, please. I need more gossip. Well, there are two bits I won't leave out...

The first one is that for some reason (from what I hear) Alyssa is worried that Mr. Wrong is cheating on her or will sleep with me again. He did give me that smile tonight. But, whatever. I doubt I would ever go there with him again. I'm not saying it would never happen... But, you know what they say... Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me...

Jeff and I are on speaking terms once more. We've been texting and talking alot more than we probably should. Oh, well, what can I say? In case you could not tell, I have difficulty allowing the past to be the past. We'll see what happens. One thing I can say, this summer should be interesting...

I'm only human...

2008-06-01T23:15:00.001-07:00

And sometimes I get to this point where I don't want to deal with anything or anyone. I push everyone away because I don't want them to hurt me. I put this wall up that no one can get through. I used to be cynical, sarcastic, yet deadly beautiful. Everyone loved me. Now I'm just this hurt person who doesn't want to deal with anyone because I'm tired of getting smashed to the ground everytime.

I was the queen bee, and now Alyssa is. The one thing she doesn't know is that the tiara is made of glass. When you're running with our crowd, it slips off breaking into a million pieces taking your heart with it. I don't want to be the queen bitch anymore, but I don't want to be alone either.

I saw Joey tonight. I looked at him. All I could think was who the hell is this guy, now? I don't know him. Yeah, there's a pattern. Apparently I don't know any of these men I thought I did. Anyway, He's charming, somewhat standoffish, and he's become gorgeous. Then a sad smile made its way to my face. He's what I used to be. I probably made him that way. I hugged him and walked away. I ran to my car, drove home, and broke down in tears.

There's been so much pain in my life. All I wanted my entire life was someone to fix me, someone to love me. I just wanted someone to really accept me for who I am. I just wanted to feel like I belonged somewhere. And no matter how many people were around me, I was just this lonely girl, who did drugs. I've always looked to a guy to fix me. This whole getting clean journey. First it started with Jeff, then Mr. Unmentionable, Joey, Bob, Jason, Mr. Wrong, Robert, and the list goes on. You want to know the sick truth?

I never truly cared about any of them. I lied to myself and made myself believe I did because then it made what I was doing okay. And what I was doing was looking to them to fix what is so twisted inside of me. If I got them to be mine, to really care about me, then maybe I was worth something. I would have gone to hell and back if they had said it would impress them? You want to know why I'm angry, hurt, and have put myself in isolation. None of them are hurt by me at all. They are all living their lives, without me. I'm the one who has to deal with the guilt, shame, and humiliation. And the worst part is I have no one to blame for it, but myself. I do it to myself everytime because I want to be loved. I seek the one thing that humans want and deserve, but from all the wrong places.

I've seen women behave like this my entire life. I always told myself I was never going to be like that. I was going to be strong, independent, and I wasn't going to need or depend on anyone else. I just wasn't going to be like those other women, you know?

And now sitting in this room I'm left with me, you know? I am tired of writing out ym feelings and talking about them. Everything hurts. It hurts and it's shameful when you realize you failed the aspirations of that little girl who wanted the world on the platter, and became everything you promised yourself you would never be.

I let myself down. Why am I even posting this? I suppose because this is real life. And it's not pretty and glamorous all the time. Behind the money, the expensive clothing, is a girl dying to break free. That's who I am. But, nobody knows that...

"The courage to be who I truly am, may be the hardest thing that I have ever done in life..."

I don't know him...

2008-05-24T22:47:00.000-07:00

I saw everyone last night. Everyone from Alea to fucking Jason was there. Well, except for Mr. Wrong and Jessica. Ooh! Maybe they're secretly fucking eachother behind everyone's back. I suppose that that makes for an excellent story except that Jessica is in a newly commited relationship and simply loathes Mr. Wrong. I suppose that she better take a number and get in line.

So, I saw Robert talking with Alea, Alyssa, and Jane. I gave them hugs and he gave this serious and unreadable look, so I dismissed him. He walked over to me looking rather upset.

"Why didn't you hug me?"

"I didn't think you'd want me to," I answered honestly.

All I wanted to do at that point was run into his arms and have him pick me up. I swore to myself at that moment if he'd just look at me the way he used to or even take me in his arms I could forgive him. I could over look the fact that he had hurt me deeply. I just wanted a piece of the man I used to know back.

"You act like you don't know me anymore."

It took everything in me not to deeply scoff, looking at him as if he had lost his mind. I wanted to yell at him, that I don't know him anymore, that I never knew him to begin with. How could I? No one ever really does. He makes damn sure of that one.

"No, I don't."

We hugged. And he pretty much ignored me the entire night. I wanted to go home and cry my eyes out. I really did. I wanted Joey to show up or even Mr. Wrong. I needed to see one of them because they are my friends. He used to ignore me like that at times, but it was never like this. It never hurt me to this degree.

I think I am so hurt because I honestly and truly realize this time that we're never going to be the way that we used to be no matter what he says and no matter what I do. There's absolutely nothing I can do about it anymore. And I'm tired of hanging on for the both of us. All I needed was one word or one look that would tell me he still cared just a little bit. But, he couldn't give me that much.

I'm fighting for something that's dead. It hurts because he became the thing I wanted the most. I wanted him the most because hewas going to be for me, something just mine. And I don't care how selfish it is. I didn't care that it made no sense. Because when all is said and done, it's over.

I have to realize that even if he apologized, something he never does, would we go back? We can't. He was my friend above everything else. I always wanted him around, but was afraid he'd get loaded and leave me behind. That's funny. He didn't get loaded. But, he still left me in a way that hurts anymore. And right now, I don't know how to get past the part where he turned my back on him. I never knew Robert as the guy who would turn on me like that. And in all honesty I really don't want to.

I used to look in his eyes and see desire, fear, potential, and 100 other things. And now when I look into his eyes I see nothing. When he looks into my eyes I know that he sees he hurt me in a way he can never fix, so what is the point of trying? I think it's time for me to realize there's got to be more for me than these men I choose?

You want to know a little secret? I'll always have a place for Robert. Because, despite everything that's happened between us, I still care. I always will. I really give up this time. There's no reason to keep hanging on to someone who won't hang on to me...

"I miss who I thought you were.
I miss the friend who'd never let me down.
That’s the guy I miss.
I can't miss you...
I don't even know who you are anymore..."

My birthday...

2008-05-20T22:09:00.000-07:00

was today. And it was everything I didn't want it to be, and nothing went the way I wanted it to. I didn't talk to him, the him who's not worth mentioning. I couldn't help but wonder if he would call me if he had known it was my birthday. Very doubtful. Then I had to work. Then I came home and I started crying. I don't want to be older. God, sometimes, I just want to be a kid again. I know it's impossible, but here's to hoping...

I just want this year to be better. I just want this year to really mean something to me. I want to be proud of it. I don't want to feel like I am wasting time and half of the time just existing. I want this year to count. I at least want to figure out where I am going in life. Right now I feel stuck. I hate feeling stuck and not having all the answers. I really do.

Sometimes I can't control everything. Some of the time I just have to let life happen. But, I don't want life to pass me by. I am capable of so many things in so many areas. I'm not even living half way to my potential. I'm not. And it's really, really, sad. I'm a talented person. And I'm willing to bet I have undiscovered talents. I don't even know what I'm trying to say... I just want more....

"I don't have you anymore. The part that scares me is when worse comes to worse you're all I got..."

I know...

2008-05-18T13:46:00.000-07:00

Sometimes the trick is just to keep breathing no matter what. I have to remember that sometimes certain things fall apart so that other ones can fall together. At least that's what I am going to keep telling myself. If I say it enough times I may even believe it.

I was coming home from work the other day and I just started crying. He's such a loser and a waste of my time. It's not even that I still want him. It's that he was my friend, and now he's really not. It's that he hurt me, whether he wanted to or not. You want to know the part that hurts me the very most?

I did this to myself. There was never one point in time where he actually said he wanted to be with me or even had feelings for me. All of his actions indicated such a thing, but he never voiced any of this. Once again I placed expectations and pre conceptions on someone, just to be let down.

And so I cried. I cried because I lost my friend. We were always friends. I can't lie and say I don't miss my friend, because I do, very much so. I wish things weren't the way they were. But, like I said I did this to myself. I put myself where I knew it just wasn't gonna work. How was I gonna win? I couldn't have. And I feel this sense of loss and anger.

At least with Mr. Wrong I could very rightly point the finger at him and blame the entire situation on him. I could easily get away with it. Maybe I share some of the blame... Oh, who am I kidding? It was his fault. He deffinitely wanted me, even if for a night. But, with Robert....
I haven't seen Robert in about a week. That's good. I'm in no hurry to run into him. I bumped into Mr. Wrong yesterday at the beach. He came up to me soaking wet and hugged me, pretty much against my will. Then he pretty much ignored me...

"It's really time for me to move away from him.
From all this.
I don't even know who he is anymore..."

It all changes...

2008-05-12T00:22:00.000-07:00

I miss the days where he couldn’t shut me out no matter how hard he tried. I remember he would push me away. I would push back. And I would get into his head just a little bit. He was just a little bit attached to me. Why does it have to be this way, Robert? How did you find a way to permanently keep me away, to shut me out? I would still crawl over broken glass in order to be any part of his life that meant something, anything at all. I wish I could find a way in. Saturday he wouldn’t even hug me. A huge part of me tells me to completely give up, that he wasn’t mine to begin with. In what world could we have worked out? It hurts, just a little bit. Oh, who the hell am I kidding? It pretty much fucking kills me.

It was never supposed to be Robert. But he was all I had. And in that moment he reached me when no one else could. He forced me to smile when I swore I would never be able to laugh again. So, do I hate him? No, I love him (as a friend) because he saved me when no one else could… I’ll always be thankful for that, for the rest of my life…

I saw Joey yesterday. My heart stopped beating for a moment. You don’t understand. I hadn’t seen him in months. I hate to say this, but he looked really good. He sat next to me, we shared a cigarette, and then he left. He left without saying goodbye. He's never done that to me before. I was able to observe him for those moments. And in those moments I realized how much of a part of my life he used to be, how deeply he’s affected me. I miss the days when I could call him. He would drop everything he was doing just to make sure that I was alright.

Mr. Wrong would barely even look at me. I guess he went from having problems with Alyssa last weekend to practically being married to her. I don’t even know how to explain it all. I thought that no matter what has happened I would always have a hold of sorts on him. But, I don’t. I still know he cares about me. He gave me a huge hug.

I’m forced to look at my relationship with all three of these men and realize how it has effected and changed my life profoundly. They’ve all affected my life in different ways, forcing me to change. All I can say is it gets harder every day to keep that smile painted on. Eventually my face is gonna crack…

"Some of the men in my past are nothing but wounds that healed.
But, darling, you've left the scar that will never be erased."

It's like...

2008-05-02T21:34:00.000-07:00

I think I know what I want and I think I know everything, and then some higher power out there throws me a curve ball. It's as if he's trying to say you don't know what you want and you don't know shit about anything. My problem is I always think the grass is going to be greener on the other side. It never is though. The problem is no matter what is really going to make me happy, life shows up. It has a really funny way of doing that.

The thing about life is its real. It's not a movie. It's painful. It's always changing. People never end up being who you want them to be or even who you thought they were. People always surprise you. The ones you love betray you. The ones who you thought would never understand you, you can't imagine your life without them...

I thought I got Robert. I thought I saw him for who he really was. I thought I had him wrapped around my finger just a little bit. You want to know what I know now? I never knew him. I knew who he let me see. No one ever sees Robert. But, maybe I did, for just a second. All I know is he didn't choose me. He didn't even choose his baby's mama... He lied to me... The twins are an enigma if not anything else...

Hold your head up high, gorgeous... There are those that would kill to see you feel

Well...

2008-04-29T17:23:00.000-07:00

You know what they say. The ups go down... That's what's been happening. I'm home. I think coming home is the biggest mistake I've made. For the last two months I've had people breathing down my neck telling me what to do and how to do it. Not many people know I'm back, but Friday... that's when everyone will be there. I mean everyone from Mr. Wrong to Jessica. This ought to be interesting. I don't know what I am going to say or do when I see Robert in just a couple of days. God help us all. I think I've really found a way to bring meaning to the phrase shit's about to go down... In what world did I think Robert, baby, baby's mama, and me made for a happy ending. I'm a very silly girl in so many ways. I'm not all that nervous about seeing Mr. Wrong. But, Robert, (and his baby's mama) is a complete and total different story...

Mr. Wrong resurfaces...

2008-04-19T18:59:00.000-07:00

In my mind once more... I don't know why and I don't know what it is. I heard him and Alyssa are on the rocks. I don't know. Someone told me that they are in love. I tried not to laugh at that. Mr. Wrong in love? Somebody tell me we've achieved world peace or that George Bush is the best president that we've ever had. Please. Both of those things are quite more believable. Mr. Wrong did something terrible to an almost enemy of mine. I just sighed. I wasn't surprised. There is absolutely nothing that Mr. Wrong could say or do that would shock me in the least. On some level I miss that fucked up asshole. No matter what he's done to me I will never be able to hate him for anything he's done. A part of me can't wait to visit home and shake things up.

There's a huge part of me that wants to visit looking hotter than shit, stir things up, fuck with Robert's mind, Mr. Wrong's mind, plant seeds of doubt in Alyssa's mind, and be the complete center of attention. It's what I lived for, but I'm trying to be different. I'm trying to change. Why do I want to break them up? Why do I even care? Mr. Wrong and I also have no place together. He's one step above his twin... Speaking of Robert...

I haven't talked to him since that night. It's kind of like it was with Mr. Wrong. I don't miss him as much as I thought that I would. But, there are moments... Believe me when I say there are moments where I wonder how things could have been different... With Robert......... or even MR WRONG..

Everything...

2008-04-13T22:33:00.000-07:00

is going to be just fine. Someone told me to take three days to be upset with him and cry or do whatever I had to do. That's what I did. Well, by Saturday I was fine. I realized in what world would we fucking work? He doesn't have a car right now and neither do I. He's not even working right now and I am. What were we going to do? Meet for a date I pay for on the bus? That sounds so silly and rediculess that I laugh as I write this. Robert was a great fantasy just like his brother. Sounds wonderful. The gangster and the ex- (turned sometimes) princess. It makes for a worthwhile novel. Jackie Collins could write it. But, in real life? No, it just doesn't happen. I don't know what will happen when I see him next, but that'll come in time. I'll write more tommorow. I'm tired... In case anyone cares, I'm doing fantastic at my new job...

I don't even know what to say...

2008-04-11T18:18:00.000-07:00

About Aanything. All I can ask at this point is why? What the hell was the point? Why did everything since January happen? I used to think it was because Robert and I were meant to be something, even a little anything... And now it's not going to happen no matter what I do. He didn't go to jail like he was supposed to . And now he's going to try to make things work with his baby's mama. Why, why, why? Why did this happen? In Robert's eyes no one could compare to me... but her. And now she gets him. It wouldn't have mattered what I did. I just was not going to win. His baby's mama will always win. He loves her. He liked me more than all the other girls. But, he loved her. And he still does. I can't compete with that. Yeah. I'm not going to win this one. I am so angry, not just because I liked him so much. I am furious because although he was all tough and shit I got to him. And now it's for nothing. We were friends and he never hurt me. And now I'm hurt by him. What did I expect though. The tears won't come, which is good. Because, when they do, who knows when they will stop. I don't... I hate this so, so, much. Why, Robert, why? WHY?!?!?!

He's gone...

2008-04-05T15:21:00.000-07:00

And I don't know what to say, think, or do. At least he's supposedly gone. I don't want him to be gone. I cried as I walked home from work yesterday. I hate that job. I wanted to quit. Then I heard Robert in my head saying I needed to work. I cried more because it made me think of this huge fight we got into once...

"You need to be working..."

"I know. Just shut up Robert. Do not lecture me right now..."

"I love you, mama..."

"Obviously! I'm sick..."

"If I was there I would give you a huge hug."

"Did you not just hear me? I'm sick, as in I'm contagious," I responded as if I was talking to a five year old.

"I don't give a fuck. That just means I get to sleep for a couple of days..."

"You're unbelievable," I said.

"Well, I gotta go..."

"ALright, fool. I'll see you when I see you," I said before hanging up. We live by that saying.

I don't know what's going to happen when he gets back. Like I said before, I feel so lost. He didn't even call me or anything before he went. Oh, my God. Somebody stop this empty feeling. I feel hollow from the inside out. I hate to say it, but I feel as if a part of me is missing. He was never suppose to mean anything on that level to me, let alone become a part of my heart I don't want to be without. His brother never meant this to me

I want to just lay my cards on the table when he gets back. But, I'm scared. I'm scared that he'll just run away from me. But, more than anything I'm just scared that he's not gonna want to be with me. That look in his eyes used to be guarded. That's why I called it fearful desire. But, it's not guarded at all anymore. I guess I'm hoping against hope, though he's been burned, he'll takr a chance on me. Oh, well. Here's to hoping...

I caved in...

2008-03-25T16:27:00.000-07:00

I didn't mean to, but I did. My sponsor told me not to see Robert, text him, or talk to him on the phone. And I did it for almost two weeks. That's a long time. It felt like forever. It killed me to not answer his texts and to press the ignore button when he would call me. I can honestly say that I had never done that before. He called me yesterday. I don't know what made yesterday different than the other times he had left me messages. But, I found myself dialing the number I knew by heart.

"Hey beautiful, what's up?"

"I don't know. You tell me," I said icily, trying to play it cool.

"What have you been up to," he asked, completely ignoring my cold demeanor. Really shocking. NOT!

"I don't know. Staying clean, staying away from guys..."

"I miss you... I want to see you tonight..."

"I can't. You know I can't."

"Do you want to?"

"I can't..."

"That's not what I asked you," he said somewhat harshly.

"Ofcourse I do... But, I'm trying to not be around guys..."

"She gave you that stipulation because she doesn't want you to get high. Do I make you want to get loaded?"

"Are you trying to say everything's my fault?"

"It's always the woman's fault."

"Excuse me? What? So men, have no part in anything..."

"Exactly. "

"You need to shut up before I really beat your ass..."

"I look forward to it..."

"Robert, you are impossible!"

"I'll see you at your meeting tonight."

"No... I can't."

"Well, what are they going to do if I show up? They can't stop me from seeing you. I'll be there..."

I hung up with him feeling irritated, annoyed, but at the same time completely excited. I had missed him more than words can say. I gave you all the shortened version of the conversation. He got his car completely totaled last week. I wondered for a moment how he was going to get there. Then I remembered that this was Robert. If he wanted something he'd get it. I found myself smiling.

I went to my meeting. I cut my hair really short. I was worried if Robert would like it. Alea showed up. We embraced. I didn't see Robert. I told myself over and over again that I didn't care, that I wasn't dissapointed. I had even convinced myself. At the smoke break there he was. He smiled at me, but Alea embraced him first so I tried to get lost in the crowd of people.

"Where the fuck are you going," asked Robert gaining up on me.

"She's on man restriction," laughed Alea, we shared matching smiles.

"I didn't think you were going to come," I said.

"I told you that I would," he explained.

Then I was in his arms and I never wanted to be anywhere else. I clung onto him. I was safe and nothing and no one in this world could hurt me. And if they tried he'd kill them. I pulled him as close to me as possible. I laughed as he picked me up. God, I had missed him.

I studied him throughout the meeting when he wasn't looking at me. A voice in my head told me to be careful, that he would never be mine. That voice kept going and going. Then I asked it why not. It old me because if he was ever mine I wouldn't be able to keep him. I felt so sad. Then he texted me saying that I was beautiful and that he's glad he came to see me. Suddenly the voice in my head shut off because I had a stupid smile on my face.

After the meeting I was back in his arms. I knew in that moment it would kill me if I couldn't keep him. It would kill me ten times worse than it ever did with Mr. Wrong, whom I'm good friends with now, by the way. How the hell does that happen? Don't ask me. I couldn't tell you. Anyway we just stayed like that for a few moments.

"You need to go before I drag you into the bathroom..."

"Okay," I whispered as I stepped back from him.

He just stared at me as I stared at him. I wanted to remember him like this forever. I didn't want him to forget me. Did I tell you he's going away for about a month and a half. I am going to miss him so much.

"Goodbye, Robert..."

Then the wall was up as he nodded his head as he turned to talk with Alea and the man that she is dating. But, I knew he cared more than he ever meant to. I mean something to him. He came to see me. I don't even know how he got there. It doesn't matter. I'm going to miss him so, so, so much. I won't apologize for seeing him. I am greatful that I got to say goodbye. It would have killed me if I hadn't.

All I wanted was to say goodbye, to be in his arms again before he left, and to known that he still cared about me, that I still meant something to him. I got all of those things. It's all smoke and mirrors from here on out...

I miss him...

2008-03-13T11:30:00.000-07:00

So much that sometimes it hurts from the inside out. I left my home and couldn't get Robert out of my head. I think about him so much and our memories together. I knew that it would hurt me beyond words if I saw him and it felt as if he forgot about me. No one told me that it would hurt even more if it felt as if nothing had changed when I saw him again. It took me three months to break him down, to make him just a little bit vulnerable. I worked over time to make him see that I wasn't like everyone else. And now I'm not around so much to see the change. But, I know it's there...

Last weekend I saw him and he just stared at me. He didn't even bother to hide his desire for me. It was written all over his face. I could do nothing but stare back at him. If he wasn't able to run and cover up his feelings, then why should I be able to?

It was him all along for me. I wish it wasn't, but it was. Mr. Wrong and I had a sexual chemistry as did RObert and I. But, with Robert, it went beyond that. I didn't have to pretend to be someone I wasn't. I could be a fucked up bitch to him, and he still wanted me. I didn't have to put off this facade.

The entire time I wanted Mr. Wrong the thought of giving up Robert tore me up completely on the inside. The thought of being without him, the thought of him not being in my life is like a slow death. I didn't want to want him because I knew it couldn't work that I avoided it at all costs. But, it was as if I just couldn't stay away from no matter what I said or did. I was his. And something tells me a part of him is mine.

Will it always be like this? The looks, the heated gazes we shoot at eachother kill me. Nothing has actually happened, but everytime we see eachother the fire has gotten bigger. We're friends. Bullshit. Friends don't talk like we do. They don't. They don't look at eachother like we do.

I remember that day he came the closest to saying he cared about me, even though things weren't completely over with his brother. I cried and cried my eyes out that day because no matter how I've fought it, how I've attempted to deny it, I love him...

I don't think...

2008-02-23T23:49:00.000-08:00

I've cried as much as I have today in forever. I realize that this isn't goodbye forever, but it's goodbye to everything being the same. I realize once I leave nothing will ever be the same again. Things have already changed dramatically and I haven't left yet. Today I did so much packing and had to put away things I just can't take with me. It's hard to leave this place behind, this place that has become the soap opera that I'm one of the stars of.

I was with my mom tonight and I cried and cried and cried. Then my sponsor along with Mr. Wrong, Allen, Amos, Jasmine, Robert, and Alyssa were there. And when I saw all of them I cried even harder. I thought that I would never stop.

I wish my mother could have met the twins under different circumstances. I was surprised that she simply adored the both of them. They both gave her hugs and kisses on both cheeks. But, I think the reason why my mom liked them so much is how they handled me. They both gathered me in their arms and told me that it would all be okay, and they would see me when I got off my one month restriction at the place.

Tommorow will be even worse, I know it. I already know that I will be in complete tears the entire way there. There's no doubt in my mind about all of that. It's just hard saying goodbye to the place you swear you want to blow up, but will miss more than words. It's hard saying a temporary goodbye to the people half of the time you swear you hate, but know that deep down you'd be simply lost without them. The hardest thing, is to leave all you know to try something different. That's the hardest part, I'd say.

As a side note, that was the first time that Robert has ever seen me cry. I don't think he quite knew what to make of it all at first. I'll write one last entry tommorow. And then I won't be blogging for quite some time, and when I do, it will be here and there...

It's the going away for awhile...

2008-02-23T01:12:00.000-08:00

that all but kills me. I know it's not that far. I'm acting as if I am going to some lock down rehabilitation center in fucking Utah. Now that would be enough for me to do so many drugs that I would overdose and fucking kill myself. I feel sorry for anyone who has been to Utah. What the hell am I talking about? That's where my future children will go if they decide they want to try to put me through the hell I put my mother through... No costly 60 day rehabs that don't do shit for them.

I am going to some sober living about a half an hour away. It's so structured that it might as well be a lock down facility. Half an hour might as well be the end of the world when your mother has taken your car away from you permanently. Who am I kidding? If I were my mother I'd take away the car and send me away too...

So, I will be without a computer after this weekend. It sucks. Robert promised that he would come and see me when I am off my first month restriction. I love that guy. I truly do. Things are about to change so dramatically and to be quite honest I am scared to death of that change. I truly am. I'm not gonna put on this brave face and say that I'm not. I'm terrified. But, I think that's okay...

Mr. Wrong and Alyssa are officially together now. You would think that that would have me in tears or what not, but to be perfectly honest it doesn't bother me. It's awkward being around them and watching them kiss. It's hard watching him hug her the way he did with me a couple of weeks ago. It's sometimes impossible not to wonder why he chose her over me. Sometimes I wonder why he didn't do anything with me when he had the chance. Tonight things weren't so strained between us.

I could look at him and feel this sense of greatfulness towards him. He walked away from me, but he left my dignity intact. How many women can say that about Mr. Wrong? A woman never leaves him with her disgnity intact. But, I did. And for that I am truly greatful to him. I no longer hate Alyssa. Alea and her have been there for me on a daily basis since I relapsed.

I feel somewhat sorry for Alyssa. How does she look like towards other people? One minute she's with one of the greatest guys I know and the next she's with Mr. Wrong. He has nothing. He doesn't have a job or a car. He has nothing to truly offer her. She's already telling him she loves him and everything. He says it back, but I can see he doesn't truly mean it. When does he ever? Him and I hugged tonight and I was no longer angry with him.

I love Alyssa, and all I could think was better her than me. I was spared all that. I get to work on myself and get someone who is worth so much more than Mr. Wrong. Thank God, is all I can say. Either things will work out with those two or they will end so fucking badly. Either way it is none of my fucking business. Thanks God, again. I wash my hands clean of that situation. I want no part in their downfall or that drama...

Speaking of Drama. Joey showed up tonight with his lady. And there was one moment where Joey had to walk by Mr. Wrong and Alyssa to talk to Jason. Kathryn and I waited for something to happen. Joey acted as if he couldn't even see Mr. Wrong. God damn. Kathryn and I were waiting for someone to throw a punch. Nothing happened. That is not a fight I would look forward to breaking up. Everyone would see where my loyalty lies. Joey. Hands down. No questions whatsoever.

I will miss all of you terribly. I really will. This blog has become like my child. Sometimes it feels as if when nothing is going right, or at least the way I want it to, I have this. I created this blog. I've nutured it. Yeah, you'll find I'm nothing more than a huge sap, or in Robert's words, too sentimental. I'll be blogging some more before I leave at the end of this weekend.

I royally screwed up (my longest entry)

2008-02-18T15:54:00.001-08:00

I did alot of drugs and alcohol from Last Sunday to this Sunday. On Tuesday one of my ex sponsor’s best friend dragged me to a meeting. I thought I was done. Kathryn and Jasmine had picked me up and dragged me to a meeting Wednesday and sat there with me as I admitted to the group that I had messed up really badly.

Last Thursday I saw Mr. Wrong, but he didn't see me. For once my first thought wasn’t about how handsome he was or how he turned me on. My first thought was how I couldn’t believe how much he had hurt me and how I had put myself in a position to let it all happen.

You know what hurts the most? He said he had all of those feelings for me and that he meant them at least at the time. It hurts because he’s now all but with Alyssa. He may just be dating her to get what he wants from her, but it kills me from the inside out. It looks like I never could have won to begin with. I began crying as I walked away, making sure he couldn't see me.

Jessica had called me three times. I didn’t want to talk to her, especially since I was loaded. But, she kept calling and texting me off the hook. She was worried about me. I finally called her back on Friday.

“I love you, honey…”

“I don’t love myself right now,” I said as I felt a few tears run down my cheeks.

“Let’s get you to a meeting tonight, okay sweetie?” she gently asked me.

“I can’t go to a meeting like this…”

“Yes you can… They all know you got loaded, anyway. Shit like that doesn’t remain a secret. Right now this is about helping you save your life.” she said even more gently.

“Alright, come get me,” I said as I looked for something to wear.

We got to the meeting and Jessica helped me out of the car. I turned on the lights for the meeting and then went outside to smoke. I really needed a cigarette to get through this night. Jessica put an arm around me and stroked my back. I saw the love, sympathy, as well as fear in her eyes…

As if things could get worse Alyssa and Mr. Wrong came. From the corner of my eye I couldn’t tell if they had been holding hands or not. Mr. Wrong approached me and even though he tried to hide it I could tell he was relieved to see me at a meeting. Something happened that made me stop hating Alyssa forever.

She saw me and I saw how sad she looked. We stepped off to the side, away from everyone else. She pulled me into a tight hug, but I could barely hang on because I was really weak.

“Hey, mama, what’s cracking,” asked Robert as he approached me later that night. I watched a look of concern come across his face.

“Are you still sick,” he asked as he felt my forehead.

“No, Robert. I got loaded,” I said waiting for him to hate me, knowing I couldn’t stand it if he ever did.

“It happens, you know,” he said shrugging his shoulders.

When I went back inside I was not feeling well. Jessica came and brought me some water. I drank it down quickly. I went to the bathroom and sank to my knees. And then I began heaving into the toilet. I had forgotten to shut the stall. I looked up and there stood Jane looking as if she was going to cry. Before I left Jason gave me a huge hug.

It’s funny how I was so worried about Joey, Alyssa, and Robert getting loaded. But, out of all those people I was the only one who got loaded. I mean I hated Alyssa because I was prettier and she always got what I wanted. If I’m to be honest she has a better personality then me. She’s a lot nicer. I’m a little rough around the edges.

The next day I saw Joey at a meeting and he approached me, all concerned.

“This is so embarrassing,” I stated refusing to look anywhere but at him.

“You can do it again, just do whatever your sponsor says,” said Joey reaching his hand out to me. I took it and he helped me stand up, since the meeting was having a break.

I laid back on the sand and listened to him share once the meeting resumed. When he talked about his new girlfriend I had to sit up to make sure I wasn’t dreaming. I’m not just letting go of Mr. Wrong. I’m also letting Joey go. I have never been so proud of Joey then I was in that moment. I realized at that point, also, I feel honored to say he’s been in my life. I gave him a hug goodbye and a kiss on the cheek.

“My life has been dramatic since I met you...” I had to cut him off before he could say anything else.

“Thank you Joey, for everything you’ve done for me. You were one of my first friends when I got clean. Before you came into my life there had never been a guy who would never let me down,” I stated as I started bawling all over again.

“You’re not done getting loaded, are you,” he asked sadly.

I shook my head. I wanted to stay around Joey for a little bit longer, but I walked away. And I didn’t look back. I began crying once more hysterically. I had to mourn the loss of the man I was once madly in love with. I’ve denied it forever.

And as I cried over Joey I realized I was completely over Mr. Wrong because he would never measure up to Joey in one hundred years. He is incapable of being the man Joey is. And then I wiped my tears and wanted to get drunk.

I called my friend Jewel. We got wasted when one of her boy toys. Then we ditched him and went to the ghetto part of L.A to go get drugs. The night/morning ened with me fucked up on meth and doing lines of cocaine in her car. When I came down I called my mother crying and she came and got me. Then I called my sponsor crying hysterically. My, god, I’m ashamed… One day at a time, I suppose...

I never thought I'd have to say this...

2008-02-08T16:32:00.000-08:00

But, I'm on the edge of a nervous breakdown. I don't want to sound so weak but that's just where I'm at. Everything is getting to me in every way possible. I wish with all of my heart I could call Joey and beg him to save me from myself, but at this point he is nowhere to be found.

He changed all of his numbers so that no one can reach him. I heard he shaved off all of his hair. I haven't seen him in over a week. Obviously he's not doing so well I'm so worried about him.

Alyssa can fuck Mr. Wrong. I'll get over that. Besides, at this point, she can have him. But, if Joey does drugs again because of her a side of me most people don't know will come out. I will go after her with avengence and no one will be able to stop me. No one wants to be on my bad side when that happens.

Most of the time I am the true deffinition of a lady. I dress nicely, I have perfect posture, and have impecable manners. But, when you screw with one of the pieces of my heart all my mannerisms fade away and I'm coming after you. Joey and I have a rocky relationship half the time but he's one of the pieces of my heart.

Yesterday was just one of those days that changes everything and you don't know who you are anymore. You don't know what you think or what's truly going on. All you want to do at the end of the day is run away from everything you know...

Robert called me and asked if I wanted to come by the shop he works at and hang out for awhile. I knew Mr. Wrong wouldn't be there, so I didn't see the harm in the situation. I went there and he greeted me by picking me up and giving me the hugest hug. I smiled against him and knew the feelings weren't gone at all.

We went and got some sandwiches. We were sitting in his car yelling at eachother back and forth as usual about how many rights women should have. Then he gave me a lazy smile before looking serious...

"My way of thinking may be fucked up, but at least I always take care of you. I'm making sure your getting fed..."

I couldn't say much because it was true. I just nodded my head as we pulled back into the shop's parking lot. Then I looked inside and there was Mr. Wrong. I shook my head. He walks over to the car and asks us if we have cigarettes. We both shake our heads no. I asked him what was going on and he said nothing. Then he walked away from me. Later we were all smoking and he gave me this small hug and all but ignored me.

I could do this as long as Robert didn't leave my side. Then the worst happened. Alea called and wanted him to go get food with him. I sighed. Unlike Mr. Wrong Robert always knows when something is wrong with me.

"Don't worry. I'm not cheating on you."

"We're not together..."

"You're learning fast, princess..."

I rolled my eyes and went to get cigarettes. When I came back Mr. Wrong was gone and Robert had come back. Things were different for some reason. We were outside and I was so tired. My car was in the shop. So I asked if he could take me home. He wasn't supposed to leave the shop, but I gave him one of my looks and he caved in...

"Do you trust me," he asked as we were near my house.

"I trust you to get me home in one piece... But, do I trust you? Absolutely not. Do you trust me?"

"No," he answered with a smile.

I knew in that moment that was the most he had ever let his guard down. I also knew as of then, he wasn't so scared of me as he used to. We pulled up to my house.

"Will you smoke one last cigarette with me?" I asked.

He smiled that smile once more and nodded his head as he took out a cigarette. That smile never left his face. I felt my heart stop all over again. We were not done, and I knew it was only gonna get worse from here.

"So you don't trust me?"

"Robert, I don't trust anyone..."

"You're smart," he replied still giving me that heart stopping smile.

"No man, no cry," I sufficed.

"Yes..."

"I've made a few deductions about you," I informed.

"Let's hear it..."

I told him my theory about him about not wanting to be vulnerable. I then told him that I knew I'm special to him and that he's afraid to get burned by people because they leave. He told me I'm more special to him then I could ever know. Then he told me that he's not afraid of getting burned by people, but he is afraid of them leaving. I gave him a huge hug before I left.

"Bye, beautiful..."

When I got in the house I fell apart and began crying my eyes out. I wasn't sure that I would ever be able to stop. Even if Mr. Wrong did want to be with me I just couldn't do it. I care about Robert so much that sometimes it hurts me from the inside out. Mr. Wrong has probably gotten over me, but I still have feelings for him. But, Robert... I'm more sexually attracted to Mr. Wrong then Robert. But, I've formed this emotional attachment to Robert that won't go away no matter what I say or do.

He's decided not to get attached to me, but it's there. I see it in his eyes. He'll do anything for me. I think he's slowly falling in love with me. And when push comes to shove I'd do anything in this world for him except give up this deadly addiction I have towards his brother... God, help me... I'm in love with them both...

I've made a decision...

2008-02-06T08:26:00.000-08:00

And I'm sticking to it. I've decided to take my sponsor's direction and go on a 60 day man restriction. Jasmine's sister talked to Mr. Wrong on Monday. He told her that he wasn't lieing if he told any girl he liked her. He just didn't want to hurt her, because all he wanted was to get laid. Him and I talked last night. He said he meant everything he said to me on Friday, but that he's not in any place to be in a relationship. He has nothing to offer anyone at this point. We both agreed on all of this.

I ofcourse had to hurt myself a step further and ask how he felt about Alyssa. He said he didn't know, but that he wasn't fucking her yet. I think he wants to, though. I found out she left Joey for him, so she could fuck around with him. What a whore. He said it bothers him that she flirts with alot of guys. I asked him if he'd ever want to be with her when he was ready to be in a relationship. He once again didn't know. Then I asked him if one day he'd want to be with me. Mr. Wrong told me he didn't know. It felt like a knife going through my heart because I realize the extent of how powerless I am over this situation.

I am just worried that Alyssa will wedge her way into this no matter what I say or do at this point. But, I realize he probably will fuck her and I am powerless over that too. I doubt he'll have a meaningful relationship with her. And if he does it won't last as long as it did with Joey. I jut have to let go right now and realize if it's meant to be it will happen and if it isn't it won't... It sucks like that... But, that's life on life's terms for you...

The up and downs...

2008-02-04T22:28:00.000-08:00

I don't think that he knows that I know yet and still Mr. Wrong won't call me. Why do I care if he calls me or not? Why would I even want him to? Normal girls would never want to hear from him ever again. I think there's a part of me that needs to hear him say it because he hasn't. I need to hear him tell me how much of an asshole he really is, how he really did this to me, and how he's able to live with himself. I've heard all these other people say it, but not him.

Another part of me wants to hear that he really cares, and that she doesn't mean anything to him. If she didn't mean anything to him and I still meant so much to him one day after awhile I could forgive him and things could be okay, but they're not. Right now they are as far from okay as fucking possible.

I've come up with two reasons why he never called me back. He was with Alyssa that night and just didn't want to talk to me. He wants nothing to do with me and is letting me go. The other reason is he feels guilty, knows that I know, or at least knew that I was going to find out one way or the other. At this point I don't know if he is just a liar or a coward...

I have more repect for his brother, Robert, at this point. It's obvious he has a thing for me of sorts, if that's what you want to call it. But, he made it obvious that he didn't want to be with me and that he didn't want to get attached. His exact words were any woman between the ages of 18-40 was fair game. At least he put all the cards on the table.

What will I do if I see him tommorow? What will I say? What the fuck am I going to do if he shows up with Alyssa? I hate that bitch more than fucking anyone at this point in time. What if he ignores me or lets me ignore him? Oh, hell, what if he tries to talk to me? I don't know anything at this point in time...

Bring on the pain...

2008-02-04T16:10:00.000-08:00

There's nothing left to do or say at this point. I called Jessica last night. She confirmed everything Jasmine had told me. I got off the phone with her and broke down in tears no matter how much I told myself that I wasn't going to. Lila had to come and get me I was so hysterical. Somebody make this go away. There's something going on between Mr. Wrong and Alyssa. She's not with Joey anymore. My heart feels like it is shattered. I don't mean anything to him. He didn't mean any of those things he said to me. I feel so stupid for crying. But, I can't help it. I have to hold tight and know that one day all of this will make sense, even though I don't understand any of it at this point... At this point I am just crushed and completely devestated... It's going to take awhile for me to get over this one, if I ever do...

I'm so twisted up...

2008-02-03T22:26:00.000-08:00

from the inside out. I don't know what to do, who to believe, or what the fuck is going on anymore. I really don't. I want to believe that Mr. Wrong meant all of those wonderful things that he said to me on Friday, but right now I just don't know. I thought things were going to be better between us, that things were about to change dramatically. Well, they're deffinitely about to change dramatically either way is all I can say at this point...

First off Mr. Wrong didn't call me all day yesterday. I was fine with that. Whatever. Now that I knew how he felt I didn't need to hear from him. I had the assurance that he cared about me. I got all dressed up tonight, thinking I would see him. He wasn't there. I texted him. He responded asking me what was up? Then I called him. His phone was off. I tried one more time. I got his voicemail. By the way, he still hasn't called me back... Then when the meeting had a break Jasmine came and talked to me...

"You need to stay away from the twins. He is just like Robert..."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"Alyssa and Mr. Wrong were all over eachother last night, hugging and kissing..."

"What the fuck?"

"Well, they weren't kissing, but you know what I mean..."

"I don't want to hear any more of this..."

"You can't be upset. He's not your man..."

I walked away feeling completely crushed. That's still how I feel. I feel as if I don't know anything anymore. Why would he do this? At least try and get me into bed again first. What the fuck? Alyssa is with Joey... I thought he gave a shit for real about me... And the fact that he hasn't called me back completely crushes my soul. I don't know if he's going to call me back, and if he does what am I going to say? When I see him what will I do or say? God, I need help...

I wanted this...

2008-02-03T04:37:00.000-08:00

But, I never thought that it would happen. I didn’t think that it would happen after Thursday and if it happened, not the way it has. Life feels so surreal right now, like a dream of sorts. I feel like a young teenager who has a crush for the first time all over again…

On Friday Mr. Wrong and I went on a walk. I wanted to talk to him about how upset I was over a family member who has passed away. We ended up talking about our Sobriety and just how far we’ve come from where we were once upon a time. He was talking about his relationships with the opposite sex.

How I didn’t know where the conversation was going is beyond me. He told me about how he had talked to Kathryn. My heart stopped beating for a moment. I was so embarrassed. I turned away from him for a moment. This was the last thing I really wanted to discuss.

“I know,” I replied.

“And I’m thinking that you and she had the exact same conversation…”

“I don’t want to discuss it,” I said facing him.

“Why not?”

“I don’t want things to be awkward between us…”

“Why would things be awkward between us?”

“I don’t know…”

“We’re both adults. We should be able to talk about it. How old are you?”

“Nineteen…”

“Besides it could make things better between us…”

He pulled me into a hug. I held on to him tightly as I wrestled inside myself. I sighed deeply as I gently pulled away from him.

“Are my feelings one sided?”

He looked at me in a way that he never has before. It sort of scared me. He looked somewhat emotional and not as cautious as he usually is. I couldn’t believe that any of this was happening…

“No… I’m going to let my guard down a little bit here…”

I just stared at him, waiting for him to continue. Now this really wasn’t happening. I couldn’t stop the small smile that made its way onto my face. He had fucking feelings for me.

“I got burned in a past relationship. All the rumors you have heard about me are true. But, I’m not like that anymore. I’m not going to hurt you.”

“Good. I don’t want to be hurt by you. Kathryn would kick your ass if you kicked my ass…”

“Yeah she would…” he laughed.

“You can trust me. I’m not going to hurt you,” I promised.

“She’s like our councilor…”

I looked at him as if he had slightly lost his mind. He grinned at me as he pulled me into another hug. This was our longest hug thus far. When he pulled away he had this unreadable expression on his face. I thought he was going to kiss me but he didn’t.

“You take my breath away,” was all he said.

I can’t get that out of my head. I take his fucking breath away from him. I don’t know what’s going to happen. I realize that neither one of us is ready to be together, so we’ll have to see what happens. I wanted him to feel the same way. I wanted him to care. But, I wasn’t sure that he could or that I would ever be enough to make it happen… I don’t know if we’ll ever be in a relationship, we’ll see what happens… All I know is I get the chills when I am around him…

I think Jessica was right...

2008-02-01T00:52:00.000-08:00

All I am doing is setting myself up for a fall that I am not ready or even willing to take. It's hard to know when you should let go or try harder. Well, I think I'm at the point where I know that I need to let go. But, at the same time I want to try harder because he's what I want for now...

So, I was talking with Kathryn at the meeting when Mr. Wrong approached us. He gave her a hug since he hadn't seen her in forever. Then Alea pulled up with Jane and Alyssa. He gives Alyssa the type of hug that he gave me the other day. I was simply spewing. He wouldn't hug me like that but he would with her? I thought he wasn't acting that way because his mother was around. Apparently that wasn't the case at all.

I realize why I can't stand Alyssa so much. It's not the fact that she irritates me to such a degree. Trust me. She does. It's the fact that every guy I ever like she gets her hooks into him. She deffinitely did it with Joey. Alyssa got him to be her boyfriend. And Jason did whatever she told him to. And now Mr. Wrong... It seems like he is falling for the same thing...

"If you're ever going to be hid girl you have to get used to him talking to other girls. He's a fine looking guy..."

"I know. And I wouldn't care if I was with him. It wouldn't bother me at all, but I'm not. And I don't think that I ever will be..."

She told me I have to mind fuck myself and make myself believe that I don't care, that it's not that he might not want me, but that I haven't decided if he's what I want, if he's good enough.

Later her and I were talking again. She told me she was going to discuss all of this with Mr. Wrong. I don't know why I went back inside and let her talk to him. She told him that I had feelings for him and that if he broke my heart that she would beat him up. He told her that he wouldn't. I don't know what that means now. Is he going to avoid me? What will happen?

"Be patient with him. He has high morals, high standards. I yelled at him about getting involved with Alyssa. I told him about how he and Joey did time together, and that he better not get with her. He'll leave her alone. Be his friend. He just got out of rehab. He needs a friend more than anything else..."

Now I just feel stuck. I don't know how to be his friend without asking him to hang out, or sounding just stupid. If I'm still gonna have anything to do with him I don't know how to stop the flirting. And if I can't do that my only choice is to get up and walk away from the situation. At that point if it's meant to be it'll happen. If it's not then it won't... Or maybe I'll just walk away to see if he'll try to stop me, and if he doesn't then fuck him...

I couldn't even talk to Robert that much tonight. It would have been too weird to flirt with Robert tonight. His baby's mama and his baby was there. Yeah, even I'm not that scandalous. I wouldn't put it past Alyssa, though. I fucking hate that bitch. I really do. I may deserve better than Joey, but Joey deserves better than Alyssa. I used to think him and Jessica should hook up...

He called me...

2008-01-30T23:26:00.000-08:00

I was on the phone with Jessica earlier. I was so upset that he wasn't at the meeting. She was telling me to let him go, that I was inviting hell into my life that I was setting me up for a fall. I might be. But, incase you couldn't tell, that's not stopping any of this from happening...

She told me that he had gone to the other Wednesday meeting. That's the meeting almost everyone goes to except for Joey and I. Let's see. Jason goes with Jane. Alyssa goes with whoever will take her. Alea sometimes goes with Evan, who is her on and off again fuck buddy. I don't think I wrote about that one yet. My point is that all the girls I pretty much hate go to that meeting except for Jessica.

As she was telling me how good he looked and how well he seems to be doing I had all these images of Mr. Wrong being another guy these girls took from me. They took Joey and Jason... And the last thing I want is to lose Mr. Wrong to these rediculess girls...

After her and I hung up the phone I had all these images in my mind of them sucking him in and that my supposed hold on him would completely disappear. I could just imagine seeing him around them all the time and it would be as if I no longer existed. I imagined him being afraid to show such open affection towards me as he did Tuesday night. That thought made me so sad...

Anyway, I checked my voicemail and he had called me. The hugest smile made its way to my face. All thoughts of him forgetting about me disappeared as I heard him apologize for not showing up to the meeting. Then he said that he would call me back tomorrow...

I had to call him back, naturally. We had one of our normal conversations. By normal conversation I mean hidden sexual innuendos, arguing, insulting each other, which is always followed by us hysterically laughing. It sounds all so normal, right?

Nothing's changed between us. If anything when I see him tomorrow he'll be more affectionate than ever, at least it’s what I am hoping for. I am going to milk it for all its worth.

I just have to work on being a little bit nicer to Mr. Wrong. The physical attraction is definitely there. But, if I want him to like me more than that I have to work on a couple of things. I can’t wait until tomorrow…

Dissapointment...

2008-01-30T22:07:00.000-08:00

I feel sorely dissapointed right now. I expected Mr. Wrong to be at my meeting tonight and he didn't show up. Neither did his brother. I expected to see the both there. I don't even know why I am this upset over it. I didn't see Mr. Wrong for five months. Why the hell am I tripping so terribly over a day. I'm just worried that maybe he hung out with Esther or some other girl I don't even want to think about...

Then I sat here with my thoughts and wondered if he got loaded. That's probably the last thing that happened. I don't know why he didn't show up, but I'm worried that maybe it was me. Maybe he didn't want to see me. How rediculess does that sound?

We were all over eachother last night. How the hell is that going to change in less than 24 hours? I doubt that it's going to. We were acting like a couple last night. I spent time in his arms and I loved it. I don't want to lose that feeling. But, what if there's nothing I can do to stop that from happening? What if I can't have him no matter what I do? The thought of that practically kills me inside...

Allen made a sexual inuendo tonight and all I wanted was for the twins to be there. It wouldn't have mattered to me which one at that point. He behaves around them. I barely wanted any other guy to hug me tonight? You think Mr. Wrong feels like that for a second? Absolutely not. I'll bet I'm just another girl to him, another willing body to hold...

It sucks knowing someone means something to you and there is a low chance that you come anywhere near meaning that to them. I just want to mean alot to him. I want to be his. And I doubt that will happen. I want it to more than anything. But, are things really over with Esther? I want them to be, but you can't always have what you want. I just want to see him, god damn it...

Welcome Home Mr. Wrong...

2008-01-29T23:25:00.001-08:00

You got it. He is back for good. He just seems to keep popping up out of nowhere over and over again these days. I can't lie and say that I am not happy that he's back. I'm fucking ecstatic. Words can barely describe how I feel at this point. I am so confused...

Around 4 p.m I get a text from Jasmine saying that she is sitting next to Mr. Wrong and that he told me hello. All I could think was what in God's name was going on? She told me that he was visiting or something. I knew that meant he would be at the meeting later. I quickly came home from the beach and set about getting ready.

I looked fucking hot when he saw me. He gave me a huge hug and told me that he was here to stay. You might be able to imagine how shocked I was at all of this. Does anyone tell me anything anymore? I'm the Dramatic Bullshit Queen for God's sake. I used to know everything.

So, ten minutes later we were still hugging and it stayed that way until the meeting started. He would look at me here and there throughout the meeting. He got quite upset when Robert showed up late and sat next to me. At the break I was freezing and he pulled me into his arms to warm me up. People passed by and said that we were hugging for too long. Neither one of us stopped.

"You've only been home for one day..." admonished his aunt.

She had a small smile on her face as he all but ignored her and picked me up. I don't think she minded as much. But, his mother... Oh, fuck. What the hell will his mother say if this goes any further? I don't even want to think about it. She's gonna kill me. And killing me is the nicest way of putting it...

So we all went out to eat and he sat next to me. Before that we were in front of the restaurant holding eachother again. He had his arms wrapped tightly around me and I was as close to him as humanly possible. On the way home he had his arm around me. I felt safe. I think I will always chase after the feelings I get from being in his arms.

I'm seeing him on Friday. I can't wait. I've decided something. I will not have sex with him again unless he makes me his girlfriend. He doesn't get what he wants unless I get what I want. It's just that simple at this point.

A piece about addiction...

2008-01-28T23:22:00.000-08:00

I want to go see Mr. Wrong so badly next Friday, but I've resolved to stay completely away from him until he comes home. I refuse to see him. It's just not a good idea. Besides, I am more than sure that Esther will play the dutiful ex- girlfriend and go visit him. If he wants to, he can call me when he gets home. Hmm, let me rephrase that. He had better call me when he gets home. But, it's not supposed to be this hard to stay away...

One here is the only time that I am ever completely honest. I think that I have co dependency issues as does Mr. Wrong. I want what I can't have, or at least shouldn't have. And if that's not enough I know that I am seeking validation from both Robert and Mr. Wrong because I don't know how to give it to myself.

I never had to deal with all these god damn feelings before. It still feels so new to me. Sometimes life seems as if it was easier when I was still getting loaded. My life, in all honesty, was about getting dope at all cost. There was no such thing as a consequence too high to pay.

I come from a family that doesn't have drug addicts as children. It just doesn't happen. I was a spoiled bitch who was used to always getting her way. I went to private schools my entire life for Christ's sake. Before I fucked everything up everyone said I was bound for the top UC schools.

I suppose that my point that I am making is that the disease of addiction doesn't give a fuck who the hell you are or where the fuck you come from. It just doesn't. Once it gets its claws inside of you it owns you for life. It doesn't matter if you are still using or not.

I heard someone at a speaker meeting once say that if you want to get loaded you better not leave the room without telling someone how you feel. And if you choose to use again you better pray to god you’re not an addict. Those words have stuck with me throughout this year of being clean...

I don't usually write all that much about my addiction on here. I started this blog because I was so angry with Joey for choosing Alyssa over me. I was so furious with him that I hardly knew what to do with myself. So, I started writing on this. And, somehow, slowly, this blog is sort of taking on a life of its own... You never know what may be written on here... You never do...

I'm still in a state of shock...

2008-01-27T21:16:00.000-08:00

I cannot remember the last time I was this shocked. I think I would have been less shock if someone told me that for a living Alyssa was a stripper. What am I talking about? If anything that is to be expected.

Every single Sunday night I go to this one meeting with my sponsor. I was talking to Nelly on the phone before the meeting as I smoked a cigarette. And from the corner of my eye I thought I saw Robert in the dark talking with some of my other friends. He comes out of the shadows. And low and behold its Mr. mother fucking Wrong. I of course ended my phone call with Nelly. I had to make sure I was not seeing things.

As you might imagine my heart came to a complete stop. I just looked at him and he looked at me. He didn't come over but just kept on staring at me in the most unnerving way. He then smirked at me and walked on over.

"Hello..."

"What you aren't going to give me a hug," I asked.

He scooped me up in his arms and he hugged me. Then we began wrestling like we did in his treatment facility.

"I can get you back properly since I'm not at the facility right now..."

Then he pulled me into his arms and I was struggling my hardest against him. I ended up propelling him against my friend's car. There we were in that moment. He was up against the car and I was against him, almost as close as humanly possible. My friend made a comment and I was forced to put away.

"You better watch it. I'm going to kick your ass..."

"You keep saying that," he insisted.

"I will. Oh, wait you might like that."

I smiled as I noticed recognition light up in his eyes. He remembered that conversation we had had. I had to get out of there for a minute. I seriously felt as if I was suffocating at that point in time. I called Nelly as I walked away far enough so that he could not here me.

"He's here..."

"Who's here?"

I quickly explained to Nelly what was going on. I told her I may have to come see her sooner than I thought I would have. I also told her about the fact that he would be home in fifteen days. Fifteen mother fucking days! What happened to May? I liked the sound of May... I really did.

"I love you too," mimicked Mr. Wrong from a couple feet away.

"Oh, god I hope you don't," I chastised.

He followed me as I walked into the meeting. He even sat across from my sponsor and I. All throughout the meeting he would give me these looks where I swore I couldn't breathe. They were worse than the ones that Robert would give me. They are too much to handle.

Anyway, during the meeting Mr. Wrong shared. And then Robert shared. Then something happened that I never thought would. Mr. Wrong broke down in tears. He had his hands over his eyes so that no one could see him. As Robert shared I could tell he was on the verge of tears. He told Mr. Wrong that he loved him and that he was proud of him. It almost brought me to tears. I was happy when the smoke break came.

I went to talk to two girls that I had never seen at the meeting. I figured that if I can't completely obey my 60 day man restriction I could at least show my sponsor that I was reaching out to women, and wanted them in my life.

"Hi, I'm Esther. It's so good to see him do well. I'm his ex girlfriend. I've visited him a couple of times at his treatment facility..."

As Esther told me all of this my heart literally stopped beating once more. I closely inspected her as I made sure I had a warm and welcoming expression on my face. This was an ex girlfriend of his? Which one? There had been so many in his past.

Then I noticed she was somewhat heavy weight. I looked at her car and that she clearly had money by the way she was dressed. It all finally made some sort of sense to me. This was the girl he had lived with. This was who I was running against. It shouldn't be that difficult. I am a great deal more beautiful than she is. But, if anything I've learned from Alyssa and Jane that looks are not always everything. Sometimes feelings go past that.

After the meeting she took my number. Then she gave Mr. Wrong two huge hugs before leaving. She told him to call her when he got out. He said that he would. As she left I did the same thing. He smiled because he knew what I was doing. I told him I am looking forward to hanging out with him. He actually called me baby. Then I gave him one final long hug and a kiss on the cheek. He got in the car and waved at me. I winked. I've made up my mind...

I haven't made a true play for someone in three years. When I pull out all the stops I get the man every time. I am going to make the biggest play for Mr. Wrong. If Esther wants to compete go ahead. I've decided he's going to be mine. She's going to actually find out what happens when you cross me and I deal with you.

I've made it clear to Mr. Wrong I am interested. I am well aware that he is also interested. I'm going to fight this time for what I want. Winner takes all. This could be the biggest game of all in the end. What's the ending goal? A player's heart. I already know what I am going to tell Mr. Wrong.

"I like you and I know you like me. I can see it in your eyes every time you look at me. You want me. Whatever is going on with Esther has to end. If you need to figure things out with her, if you want to start things up with her you need to do that. Just leave me out of it. Either you get me or you get her. And if you choose me I want you for myself. I'm not going to share you with anyone. If you can't do that, then you can't. We can still be friends. I think we're good as friends as well. But, if you want me that's how it has to be. I'll accept nothing less, because I know what I deserve..."

Those are my conditions. He gets me or he just doesn't. It's entirely up to him. I feel good. For once I am not going to place expectations on a person because they'll know up front where I stand. No preconceptions or miscommunications.

I'm not even expecting that he will choose me. I am hoping he will. This time I am not going to accept less than I want from a guy. I did that with Joey, Bob, Mr. X, Mr. Unmentionable, and believe me the list could go on or not.

I'm letting go...

2008-01-26T11:25:00.000-08:00

I've come to a place in my life where I realize I can't have either Mr. Wrong or Robert. So, as of this moment I am going to leave the both of them alone. Neither one of them are in a place as of now to give me what I want or deserve. And if they can't give me either of those two things what is the point? I realize flirting with the both of them is playing with fire to the greatest degree. All I am going to do in the end is get hurt. I don't want to get hurt, you know? I don't want what happened with Mr. Unmentionable to happen. All of that occured about a year ago...

I put so much emotional energy into him. I really thought that he was what I wanted. I was willing to put it all on the line for him. I never once stopped to think about him. Was he going to do the same? Would he care about me in the same capacity that I was going to care about me in the same fashion? Did he want what I wanted, or was I going to have to be forced to settle for what he wanted, instead of what I deserved, because he was unwilling to give me those things? To tell you the truth I never once thought about any of those things.

I suppose it's the here and now that counts. I'm thinking about those things now. I'm thinking about what will happen in the future. I am going to take my sponsor's suggestion and go on a 60 day man restriction. Holy shit. Can I actually do it? Well, we're all about to find out. Stay tuned. Shit's about to go down around here

The Silent Period...

2008-01-23T21:31:00.000-08:00

I haven't heard from Mr.Wrong since I saw him. I want to talk to him so badly, god damn it. It's almost to the point where it is painful. He has this way of always making me smile. I didn't realize how much I missed the way he used to make me smile. I haven't seen him in five days. And it feels as if its been a lifetime. I want to see him more than words can stay. Rashelle had to help me do be positive afirmations today where Mr. Wrong is concerned.

Rashelle helped me realized that Mr. Wrong will never be able to do better than me. I am beautiful and he knows it. She told me that I have to go into this as if I am going to get exactly what I want from him, and act as if he's crazy to not want me on that level. Besides, Mr. Wrong is the only one who can stop this thing that is beginning to happen with Robert. I think it's beginning to go further than I ever intended it to go.

I wanted a flirtatous relationship with Robert from the beginning. He reminded me of his brother. I also wanted to use him to make Mr. Wrong jealous, if possible. I never meant to have real feelings for him. I never meant for him to be someone in my life that I would miss beyond words if they were no longer around.

I realize Joey and I have come to a place where we can completely become true friends again. I no longer resent him at all anymore. That makes me so happy. We were wrestling tonight when Robert pulled up. Robert gave me a small hug and then went to go with Jasmine's sister to go pick her up. I felt so sad that he barely acknowledged me. If I'm to be honest, I felt this sense of devestation over take me.

When he came back some new guy tried to hug me and I was not having it. If I don't feel safe around you, if you are not in my circle per ce I don't give you a real hug. That's just how it is. Robert was looking at me strangely, surprised that I was barely hugging him. So, then, I walked over to Robert and gave him a strong hug. He had a huge smile on his face. I felt as if the balance had been restored once more.

I walked with Robert to his car. I wanted to give Allen a hug. He may be a loser, but sadly he is in my circle. Plus, he got himself a girlfriend. What an accomplishment, I must say! Who is this girl? I'm putting my money on the fact that she was recently released from the mental hospital or prison.

"Bye, Robert..."

He gave me a longer hug. I began walking him back, attempting to trip him and he wouldn't let me. I lightly growled. He then started laughing as I tried harder. I was so frusterated. This was almost worse than my sparring match with Joey earlier. He then picked me up and I squealed.

"Stop that, Robert..."

"You love it."

"Says who?"

"I do."

Then we shared one of our smiles. He then shook his head. That's what he always does when he feels as if he's letting down his guard around me. But, it's less and less these days, I've noticed. That makes me happy.

"You better leave before I kidnap you..."

"Oh, really, Robert?"

"Then again you might like that..."

I had a flashback of a conversation I had had with Mr. Wrong once last summer. We had been talking about hurting eachother, and how painful sex was always the very best. I told him that I was going to beat him up. He grinned at me. And then I told him that he might like it. He smiled at me and told me that he would. Oh, god help me. I'm head over heels for the both of them. Why can't they be the same person?

Fearful Desire...

2008-01-22T22:50:00.000-08:00

That’s how I describe the look in Robert’s eye every time he gives me more than a simple glance. It was how he looked at me while we were closely dancing on Saturday. And it was how he looked at me last night. Usually when someone stares at me I’ll stare right back. Looking away is a sign of submission, or some form of fear. But, when Robert looks at me that way I have no choice but to look down or at least anywhere but him. It’s unnerving…

Saturday I had to glance away because I felt that if I kept looking back at him I would see something that I didn’t want to see, feel more things that I am far from ready to feel. It was an uncomfortable moment. But, then he had to ruin it by smacking my ass and accusing me of being too sentimental. He ruins every moment, because I think he’s afraid to let them exist, to go further.

I wrote in my last entry that I would let him go. Every time I am completely ready to go along with him, then he’ll do something like give me a huge hug or stand so close to me that I can feel his body heat radiating off of him. Sometimes I know what I would say to him…

“What the hell do you want from me? I think I scare the fucking shit out of you. You have this thing about not being vulnerable, about not caring about women. You’re scared to feel again, to be in love. You’re not in love with me, but you have feelings for me, ones that you don’t want to have. I look at you and can get you to do so many things. I think you’re scared that you’re gonna fall in love with me… You’re scared because I make you so vulnerable that you can’t help yourself. No, fuck it. You’re scared because you are falling in love with me. The more you’re around me the more you want me.”

Yes, that’s exactly what I would want to say to him, except I don’t want to know what he would say to all of it. He would close down on me, and all of the progress I’ve made with him wouldn’t mean a damn thing. And, even if he didn’t completely shut me down, I could start something that just cannot be. His brother and I cannot be. Robert and I most definitely can NEVER be. I just need to leave both of them alone. But, I can’t. For some reason I just can’t, no matter what anyone says. I’m going to tell everyone else that I will, but only you will know, that I refuse to leave them alone…

Mr. Wrong hasn’t called me. I wonder if he’s ever going to. I think I am going to see him in a couple of weeks. I’m not going to walk over to him in any capacity. If he wants me he’s going to have to come and get me. I just want him to fucking call me, god damn it. I went five months without any contact… I can last two more weeks…

I saw Robert tonight and he put his arms around me and gave me one of his tight hugs. When I claimed that he was suffocating me he eased up but was still hugging me. He gave me that look again. But, it seems, that he stays around each time just a little bit longer before shutting down on me.

My sponsor saw all of this transpiring. She watched as he stepped right up to me and gave me a smirk, just daring me to look away. This time I didn’t. I don’t even know how to explain it. She walked over to us.

“You need to leave my sponsee alone…”

“I could do that.”

“You can and you will...”

“How do I know that she’ll leave me alone,” questioned Robert.

“She will…”

“That brings us to our next problem. I could leave her alone, and she may go with it. But, I can’t guarantee that my brother will leave her alone,” finished off Robert with a grin.

Then he left all of us for the evening. I watched him go. He turned around one last time with that look of fearful desire. It’s a tortured look that I think will on some level always haunt me.

I have to look...

2008-01-21T14:53:00.000-08:00

at the fact that I care about them both very much, too much for my own good. I wish I could just say that I had a small thing for Robert and that I was head over heels for Mr. Wrong. But, that's just not true. I care about Robert on so many levels that I can hardly distinguish between any of them anymore. The truth of the matter is I don't want to choose between either one of them. If I could find a way to have both of them, I would probably do it...

I'm the sort of girl who could probably eventually have Mr. Wrong because I demand his respect. And I can tell that I'm the one girl that causes Robert to be vulnerable. I look at him a certain way and I can get him to do so many things that other people can't...

I know I'll run into Robert tonight. I don't know what to say to him, how to act around him. Maybe, I'll just walk in the other direction. Sometimes the best thing that you can do is just walk away from someone...

I know that I should just let go...

2008-01-20T17:11:00.000-08:00

But, I don’t want to. I’ve talked to so many people today about Mr. Wrong and Robert. People have all told me all kinds of different things. It seems as if all I can do today is talk about them, blog about them, oh and when I smoke I’m even thinking about them. What the hell is wrong with me?

I shouldn’t torture myself to this extent with thoughts of them. Why do I do this to myself? I could do so much better than either one of them. I really could. I could have done better than Joey too. Did I ever tell you that Joey and Mr. Wrong were in jail together at one point in time? I probably did, but even if I didn’t I wanted to write it again. Most of the men in my life have one thing in common. They are all losers that I care about way too much for my own good.

What it comes down to is he has two months clean. He doesn’t know what he wants. Robert has how many more days? Maybe 15? I don’t know. All I know is neither one of them are going to want a relationship with anyone right now. I’m sure I could get laid out of this, but if I’m to stop lying to myself, I want so much more than sex…

Sex is the easiest thing in the world to get, it really is. But, then again, being rather attractive has never let me down on that level. I’m going to get somewhat personal here, but it’s hard for me to have an orgasm. The guy really has to know what the fuck he is doing. It’s so sad that most men these days just don’t…

I finally got honest with my sponsor and told her that I saw Mr. Wrong. She was less than thrilled to put it nicely. Well, okay, I didn’t tell her I saw Mr. Wrong. I told her I was interested in someone in rehab and that he had about two months clean? I’m apparently on man restriction. I don’t know how to do that. I’ve never done it before.

It probably would be the best idea to stay away from Mr. Wrong and Robert for two months. In fact it sounds like the best one I have heard in forever. I’m just afraid that if I don’t see him then he’ll choose someone else. And just the thought of that happening almost kills me…

All I need...

2008-01-20T15:09:00.001-08:00

These lyrics by Within Temptation remind me of Mr. Wrong so, so, so, much...

I'm dying to catch my breath
oh why don't i ever learn
I've lost all my trust that i'm sure we try to
Turn it around

Can you still see the heart of me
all my agony fades away
when you hold me in your embrace

Don't turn me down
for all i need
make my heart a better place
give me something I can believe
Don't turn me down
you're far from the door now
don't let it close

He only had to go
I wish I could let it go
I know that I'm only one step away
From turning around

Can you still see the heart of me
all my agony fades away
when you hold me in your embrace

Don't turn me down
for all i need
make my heart a better place
give me something I can believe
Don't turn it down
what's left of me
make my heart a better place

i've tried many times but nothing was real
make it fade away
don't break me down
I want to believe that this is for real
save me from my fear
don't turn me down

don't turn me down
for all i need
make my heart a better place

don't tear me down
for all i need
make my heart a better place
give me something i can believe
don't tear it down
what's left of me
make my heart a better place

Apparently I'm too Sentimental...

2008-01-20T14:20:00.001-08:00

That’s what Robert told me last night when we were all out dancing. I wish that Mr. Wrong could have been there because I know he would have been on the floor with me. Anyway, when I got Robert out on the dance floor eventually he was behind me. He took my hand in his as we danced with each other. He told me that I needed not to be so sentimental. Then Allen practically asked me out later that night.

I gave Allen an innocent smile and told him no. I walked away and into Robert who was trying his hardest not to laugh at the entire situation. It was rather laughable if you ask me. Then I claimed my innocent nature towards Robert. I don’t think I’ll forget for a very long time what he told me.

“You can be as innocent as you want to be. I really don’t care about that. Just don’t forget that you were a dope fiend…”

His comment about me being sentimental really bothered me for some reason. Robert said it after he had smacked my ass. He even took my hand in his and lightly slapped it. It felt as if he was punishing a child. I don’t want him to see me in that way. I just felt really ashamed and embarrassed. It’s difficult to explain it.

It felt as if Robert was avoiding me last night. He hugged me at the beginning of the night, but after that it was as if he didn’t want to talk to me. I felt as if he was struggling to push me away, out of his life. He doesn’t want to let me in. I think I scare him on some level.

Then I thought about what if his brother views me the same way, as someone who is too emotional. What if his brother decides that he wants nothing to do with me as well? That is almost too much for me to think about…

I want Mr. Wrong in a very big way. I want him to call me this week. But, I’m not sure that he is going to. It doesn’t stop me from wanting him to. I realize that if I want a future with Mr. Wrong on any level I have to let Robert push me away too. It’s not what I want, but it’s the way that it has to be.

I really feel as if I’ve completely lost my mind. I thought that I didn’t know what I was doing before, but I realize that I truly don’t now. I may not get either one of them. I think I am going back to bed. I’m in such a terrible mood right now. I don’t know how to get out of it…

My visit with Mr. Wrong part 2 (the short version)

2008-01-20T13:10:00.000-08:00

I have been emotionally exaughsted for the last two days because of Mr. Wrong and his brother, Robert. I am going to give you the short version for now about what else happened when I saw Mr. Wrong because there is something else I need to write about in here that is bothering me really badly…

I saw Robert when I went outside to smoke and he hugged me. At first he was really surprised, but then he smiled. The meeting had a break and we were all standing around having a cigarette. They were both flirting with me and I was cracking up. It was funny. We all went back into the meeting…

After the meeting I was talking with Mr. Wrong. He gave me a long hug goodbye before I left. It was a longer hug than when we first saw each other. He also wanted my number, which I gave. And at this point, I am more confused about him then ever. You will probably understand it all better after the next entry. I am so confused and I don’t know what’s going to happen. I hate not knowing what will happen in my life…

My Visit with Mr. Wrong...

2008-01-19T06:52:00.000-08:00

was probably almost everything that I could have hoped that it would be. It took me two hours to get ready. It never takes me that long. Ever! But, I wanted to look perfect for him. I wanted Mr. Wrong to take one look at me and realize how much he had missed me. I wanted to be someone in his life worth missing...

My heart was pounding all the way down to the treatment facility. It was as if my oxygen had been completely cut off. Then when I got there for some reason I couldn't seem to make myself go inside. This would be the first time in five months that I would see him. I seriously thought about just leaving. What if he didn't want to see me? I had never even considered the idea before.

I tried calling Nelly for moral support. Her phone was off or something else. I hadn't heard from her all day. She needs to call me so we can dish about what happened last night. I called Mariah. She told me to just go in there.

"Girl, you've been waiting for this. You can't back out now..."

"I just can't do this. You don't understand."

"Yes, you can. I'll be there in just a bit. Go in. He's going to be happy that you're here."

"How do you even know all of this?"

"Just trust me..."

I hung up the phone, took a deep breath, and walked in through that door. I knew that everything would either go well or the night would end with me trying my hardest to hold back my tears, realizing I had done nothing but waste my time.

I watched him walk into the room from a different door than I had. He looked somewhat different. His hair was a great deal shorter. He had lost some weight, due to his previous drug usage I'm sure, but he was still deathly handsome. He was still the Mr. Wrong I knew and cared about so much. There's only one of him. Thank God. I would not be able to handle another one.

He looked up in my direction. His facial expression was that of complete shock. Then instead of his infamous smirk, a genuine smile spread across his face. I think both of us were at a loss for words because neither one of us said anything as he walked towards me.

Before I knew what was happening he had gathered me in his arms, pulling me into a strong embrace. I hung onto him for dear life. It's funny how before a situation arises you plan out everything you're going to say. You know exactly what you're going to do. But, in that moment I couldn't seem to say a god damn thing. So, instead, I hugged him for a few minutes longer. I hadn't realized until then just how much I had truly missed him. I felt as if I was going to start crying. We finally stopped hugging...

"It's so good to see you. Let's go outside. I need a cigarette like yesterday..." I insisted.

"I'll go with you. But, I don't feel like smoking."

"What, you skipped over to sainthood and decided to quit," I deadpanned.

"Have you lost your mind woman?"

"Don't even get me started..."

"But, it's so much fun," he insisted as he followed me outside.

I introduced him to some of my girlfriends who had made the trip with me. He was extremely polite. I was shocked that he wasn't flirting with all of them. Who was this man standing next to me? But, none the less, he had all three of them eating out of the palm of his hand. He's always possessed such a natural talent for such a thing as that. It was as if he'd change. The next thing he would say was 'Yes please' or even 'No, thank you...' Naturally he had to prove me wrong when my friends walked away for a moment...

"Your hair is so short," I commented.

"When I was using I shaved it all off. This is definitely a vast improvement...”

"Is that what you’re telling yourself these days," I asked sarcastically.

"How would you like it if I cut off all of your hair?"

"I'd murder you," I stated slowly as I ran my fingers through my silky hair.

"Princess, you wouldn't be able to..."

"Don't be so sure..."

"Are you pregnant," he asked as he touched my stomach. What the fuck? I looked nowhere near pregnant. He just knew that it would piss me off.

"Mother fucker..." I said as I tried to take a swing at him.

He overpowered me by gathering me in his arms. We struggled back and forth for a minute before I realized fighting against him was futile. I was just not going to win this one. That much was clear

"Let me go..."

"Only because you insisted..."

He allowed me to step out of his embrace. We had matching smiles as we faced each other. In that moment there was no possible way for me to deny just how happy I was. I watched as his surrogate aunt and uncle approached the building. I hoped to god that they didn't see us acting in that manner. They both warmly embraced me.

"How are you darling? What are you doing here? You've met my nephew?"

My god, does anyone in his family think I know him? I've known all of them for at least three years. It always comes as a shock when they find I know of him. But, then again, maybe it is somewhat surprising.

"Unfortunately..."

"No, she's been so lucky," insisted Mr. Wrong as we all walked into the meeting.

I sat in the back of the room with my friends and slightly studied Mr. Wrong. I watched as another one of his uncles walked in. He was still handsome, even though it would take him awhile to get back to where he was. I sighed dramatically.

“Oh, my God…”

“What,” I asked my friend as I turned to her.

She turned to the doorway and there stood Robert. As he sat down next to his brother I swear that my heart completely stopped beating for a moment in time. How the hell could it have not occurred to me even one time that his brother just might show up? Why did Robert have to care to see his brother tonight of all nights? What the fuck. At least he didn’t see me yet.

I'm really tired and this is kind of a long story. I want to get all the details out. I'm going to go to sleep for awhile, but I will write the second part in a couple hours. I promise...

This cannot be goodbye...

2008-01-18T00:23:00.000-08:00

I saw Robert this evening when I was with my girlfriends. My heart started beating erratically. I prayed that he wouldn’t ignore me as he did last night. For some reason when he acted as if I didn’t exist the other night it crushed me. I don’t know how to explain it. I need to be noticed by him. I need to mean something to him, anything at all.

Robert tries his hardest to be a rough guy. He closes himself off more than his brother does. He pretends as if he cares for no one outside of his family. He believes to love someone is the deadliest sin, more so than even I do. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t completely infatuated with him.

I want him to trust me, to open up to me, to see that I am not going to hurt him. What am I saying? I am going to hurt him. I am seeing his brother tomorrow. And I think he knows that. I want him to lower his walls and to let me in. I want to see that he doesn’t have as much to be scared of as he thinks he does. Like his brother, he’s an enigma. I always seem to find the guys who are that, who are different from all the others. My only problem is I fall hopelessly for them. They are always the ones I cannot keep.

He looked at me for a moment. It was an unreadable expression that made its way on his face. I did my best to mask my emotions. Now was not the time for him to see everything I had inside of me. Now was not the time for him to see my true feelings. I didn’t even notice as my friends walked a ways away. He just kept on looking. I didn’t want him to see what he meant to me.

He doesn’t mean what his brother does to me. But, he means something. I couldn’t tell you what exactly. But, it matters to me. He matters to me. If he wasn’t around tomorrow I couldn’t promise someone that I would be okay. What it comes down to is I want him in my life; I need him to be there. I need our unhealthy arguments, his presence, and his thuggish mannerisms. It may make me sound like a sick individual but I don’t want to be without it.

“I see that you’re not still ignoring me,” I started out, dying inside to break his stare. It was making me insanely nervous.

“I never was. You’re an impossible person to ignore…”

“Yes, I know…”

Then he took a couple of steps towards me and hugged me. He held me close for awhile. I love his suffocating hugs. I held onto him. I couldn’t shake the feeling that something had changed forever, that I was losing him. I didn’t want this to be goodbye. It felt as if he was hugging him goodbye.

“You hugged me as if this is goodbye…”

“Maybe it is,” he said with an air of finality.

He didn’t say anything else to me. Robert went to talk with some of his friends. And once again that mask was up. This can’t be goodbye, now can’t it? Things can’t end like this, right? They can’t… I won’t let them…

This is going to sound so childish and immature on my part but I wish I had a twin as well. I wish I could give that twin to Robert, so things would be alright. I could find out what’s truly going on between Mr. Wrong and I. And Robert would still be happy. But, you want to know what? I’d fucking want to kill my twin for even thinking of taking Robert away from me. Oh, dear God. What am I even saying anymore? I’ve gotten to the point where I’ve completely lost my ground…

The Plan has been stepped Up...

2008-01-17T23:50:00.000-08:00

I am going to his treatment facility for that meeting tomorrow evening. I haven’t seen him in months. I don’t think I could possibly be more nervous than I am at this point in time. I almost don’t even know what to do with myself. I haven’t seen Mr. Wrong since that morning. All I’ve had is what I’ve heard about him. You know how gossip is. It’s all hearsay really. But, underneath it all I am really excited about it all. I just don’t want to be disappointed…

I was talking with my friend Kathryn this afternoon. She made me remember the good things about Mr. Wrong, the stuff I didn’t want to remember. If I could hold onto all of the bad things then there was a chance I could come out of this alright. But, she had to force me to remember all of the good things.

“There are not as many girls in his past as everyone says. A lot of it is just gossip. What man in his right mind would deny such a rumor as that? I cannot think of one. Do you remember how he would have done anything for someone he cared about?”

I slightly nodded my head. I didn’t want to think about that. She looked as if she was waiting for my response. I was at a loss of words. What was I supposed to say to any of that?

“You care about him, don’t you?”

I didn’t trust my voice. I just nodded my head like an idiot.

“Just make sure when you go there you tell him we haven’t forgotten about him, that people back here still care about him. Will you do that for me?”

I promised her that I would. I never thought of it like that. I felt a sense of compassion for Mr. Wrong. As much as he tries to pretend nothing affects him, it must hurt that he’s far from home. It would hurt me. So, that’s why I’m not as nervous about seeing him as I was earlier. Kathryn accused me of the strangest thing.

“Don’t fall in love with him…”

“I’m not. We’re friends…”

“Why am I telling you not to fall in love with him? You already are…”

I turned the other direction and walked away. I wanted nothing to do with that conversation in any capacity. I am not in love with him. It is beneath me. Love will only destroy you. Let me tell you something. I refuse to love him…

My Dramatic Antics have rubbed off on Nelly...

2008-01-16T21:56:00.000-08:00

In two weeks I plan on visiting Mr. Wrong at his treatment facility. Nelly believes that she will accompany me. I realize that I really should not involve her in all of this but I can’t seem to help it. I wish I could change my mind and just let things be, but I can’t.

What do I plan to happen? What do I hope to accomplish by seeing him? Do I think he’ll take one look at me and decide that I am the girl of his dreams? If that did in fact happen, it would be the worst thing. I already know that no one accept the fact that he is with me.

He is a well known man whore, if you will. He has sex with women and then pretends as if they mean nothing to him. Do I expect to be anything more to him, just because he didn’t treat me like garbage the next day? I’ve said this before. And I will say it now. I am way over my head. He may still be with that undeseriable woman. I do not know what I am doing. I need a plan of action. Why am I putting myself through all of this for one man?

I know the rules. Every girl really should. You never give one man everything. If you don’t give one man everything there’s not a way to be left with nothing. He does not deserve to have everything I could possibly offer. But, I take one look at him. And as much as I’ll deny it one hundred times I would put everything on the line to be everything to him.

I take one look at him and I care nothing for my reputation. He kisses me and the rest of the world fades away. I realize how corny this may sound, but it’s the truth. Maybe I don’t have genuine feelings for him. Perhaps I just want to feel again. I just want that feeling I get in his arms.

Then again maybe I’m just one of many girls he took a liking too. Who knows? He may not even remember me. I’m going to that treatment facility because I need to know. I need to know if this is all in my head or not. I need to know if I mean anything at all to him, or if I am just like all the other girls in his life…

I saw Robert tonight. He looked at me, hugged all of those around him and walked right passed me. I have to admit something. I have feelings for him. I do. But, I want his brother. I don’t want Robert to get hurt in all of this. As long as I don’t allow myself to get wrapped up in him everything will turn out okay, right? They have to be. Then again if things have to turn out alright, why do I feel as if the opposite will be the ending result?

Mr. Wrong's Mother...

2008-01-16T01:30:00.000-08:00

I saw Mr. Wrong and Robert’s mother this evening. I suppose anyone who would read this would make the deduction that they share the same mother, seeing that they are fraternal twins. Well, one would have to be a complete moron not to see that they would share the same mother and father. But, then again, people these days don’t seem to have a great deal of intelligence if you know what I mean…

She warmly embraced me and asked how I’ve been. I smiled before deciding to answer that question. I mean, really, how do you answer that question? I wasn’t going to tell her how I’ve really been. So, I did what seems to be second nature to me. I lied. It’s really what I seem to do the best…

“I’ve been doing quite well. There have been a few bumps in the road lately, but that’s to be expected. It’s part of life. Also, I think it has to do with me being at the age I am…”

“Of course, honey… I just wish my sons could have gotten it at the age you have, staying clean…”

“Well, they’re clean now,” I said somewhat sharply, not being able to stop myself from defending them.

“Who knows how long it will last. I’ve seen you around Robert a few times, lately. You’ve met my other son?”

For a moment my heart literally stopped beating. Of course I had met her other son. It was nice of her to put it in such a delicate fashion. If you wanted to place it in those terms one might say I had met her other son quite a few times.

“Yes, I have. I’m glad he’s doing well. Excuse me, I see Jessica. I’ve been meaning to have a word with her all night…”

I excused myself and walked away. I didn’t want to tell her anything, what had been really going on. If she really knew the woman would not openly embrace me. Good God no! So, I talked with Jessica about one hundred meaningless sons when I was thinking about Mr. Wrong’s mother and the one thing I couldn’t tell her…

I couldn’t walk over to her and tell her how much I care about both of her sons and how one means more than the other. I could never tell her how it would kill me to have to ever choose one over the other, because they both mean so much to me.

But, there will come the day where I won’t have either of them, or I will have to choose one of them. The thought of not having them both in my life, the way I want them to be, kind of kills me. I guess my problem in life is I want everything to go my way and for everyone to not only accept that, but be perfectly happy with it…

Things were so Weird last Night

2008-01-15T13:12:00.000-08:00

I was so sick last night and Robert was acting strange. He would talk to me for a few seconds and then act as if I didn’t exist, as if he didn’t know me. The two of us were talking with Allen. He said he loved me, which caused Allen to raise his eyebrows in complete shock. Robert laughed.

“You love her,” questioned Allen in complete shock.

“No, I got love for her. You know the only person I love is my daughter…”

“Love will destroy someone,” I commented.

Robert looked somewhat impressed with my deduction. I knew he agreed. He looked at me for a moment.

“The two of us are talking…”

I smiled flirtatiously at Robert before walking away to allow them to discuss whatever it is they needed to talk about. It was all very strange. It was as if he wanted me around but at the same time wanted me to go as far away as humanly possible.

Jasmine said she thinks he’s trying to avoid me because he has feelings for me. I have feelings for him too, no matter what I want to think is true. But, it can’t go anywhere. It really can’t. As much as I have feelings… it’s just the last thing that either of us really need. Robert and Mr. Wrong know how to confuse a girl, twist her up from the inside out… They truly do…

By the end of the night I felt as if I was about to puke at the very least. I felt somewhat dizzy. It’s strange because I haven’t gotten sick in such a very long time. I hate it. I truly do. Someone make it go away. It sucks. Before I left Robert came up to me…

“You’re leaving without saying goodbye?”

“I’m not feeling well, so I am going to go home…”

“Okay…”

“Alright, I’ll see you.” I began to walk away from him.

“You’re not going to give me a hug goodbye?”

“I’m getting sick. I don’t want you to catch it…”

“Who cares?”

He gave me a tight hug as usual and I couldn’t help but smile, as I usually do when he hugs me. I realize I am way over my head with the both of them. What do I think I am doing?

I mean, have I even thought about what will happen when they are both in the same location, supposing that that ever happens? I’m sure I have, once or twice. But, what will be, will be. Alyssa told me that. How fucking funny is that?

What would I do without Nelly, who always shows and tells me how to live? She’s had to put up with all my dramatic antics. Poor girl. What am I saying? I believe she rather enjoys it all…

I thought I had already lost my mind...

2008-01-15T13:01:00.000-08:00

I had to go and prove myself wrong, of course. People have always called me crazy. But, if they knew about yesterday they would consider me perfectly sane before what I did. Normal people don’t do these things. They just don’t. It doesn’t occur to them to do such things and even if it did they would not follow those particular thoughts to conclusion.

Mr. Wrong’s mother had told me a couple of weeks ago where he was in rehab. I wasn’t sure if that was the name of the treatment facility or just the city it happened to be in. I decided to put the internet to good usage. I looked it up, did some research if you will. I wish I hadn’t done it, but I did.

Perhaps one would think I was just curious about his where a bouts. That is in fact the truth. Naturally, I was curious about where he was. Who wouldn’t be? A lot of people are. But, they didn’t find the place. I suppose I wouldn’t be labeled as insane if the next steps hadn’t taken place.

I went online and found out when there were meetings there, for people who weren’t just in the treatment facility. I even found out what day they were. Then I called some friends I knew of who go to that meeting. I asked them if they knew who he was. They were sure that they did. And in two weeks I think I am planning to go there. I realize I’ve completely lost my mind… I’ve completely gone off the deep end… But, you want to know something? I have to know.

I wish I could tell you what I have to know exactly, but I can’t put it into words. I just have to see him again; even it’s just one more time. I want to see him smile at me, while I pretend to be aloof, as if I don’t care. You want to know a secret? I care more about him than I am willing to admit.

The Last Time I Saw Mr. Wrong...

2008-01-15T12:59:00.000-08:00

Evan, one of my platonic friends called me the other night, wanting to know if we could get together. I knew that it was rather late, but I was so bored. I didn’t see any harm in the situation. We went over to his house to watch movies. That really was my first mistake in my opinion. We almost had sex, but we didn’t.

From the second his lips touched mine I was able to kiss him back. I have never really been interested in Evan but it had been so long since I had had human contact of that nature. Then before I could help it I started thinking about Mr. Wrong. Evan could never be him. I asked him to take me home.

As he drove me home some sad song came on the radio. I leaned back and all I could think about was that he wasn’t Mr. Wrong. No one could be, no matter how much I wanted them to be. And then I couldn’t help but remember the last time I saw Mr. Wrong…

“What movies do you have?”

I looked at Mr. Wrong grinning. He wore a smirk of sorts on his face and in that moment I had never found him more attractive.

“What do you want to watch,” I asked him, giggling.

“You smile. Whenever you smile there’s no possible way for you to be prettier,” he quietly stated.

He suddenly looked so sad. I knew this could very well be the last time I would see him for a very long time. I knew that he needed help, needed to clean his life up. I also knew that there was a chance he was going to screw it all up again.

I turned away from him. I felt like I was going to cry. That was the last thing that I wanted him to see. There was no real reason for me to cry over him. We were barely even friends. Kissing him one time didn’t really mean anything.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” I said, refusing to turn around.

Suddenly I felt a pair of arms wrap around me. I leaned against him and sighed deeply. I knew maybe in another life time this could be. Definitely not in this one, though. There was also that girl…

“Does your girlfriend know that you’re here,” I asked still in his embrace.

“She’s not my girlfriend. She calls herself that. I’m fucking her. I live with her. She has money…”

“You’re using her,” I accused, turning around. His arms were still wrapped around me. Our faces were about an inch apart.

“Sometimes you do what you gotta do…”

“You’re fucked up. You’re supposed to be with someone who cares about you. Well, I’m sure she cares about you, since she’s having you live with her. But, you don’t care about her!”

“Who do I care about, then? You,” he challenged.

I didn’t even want to know that answer to that question. It was the last thing in the world I wanted to deal with.

“Why did you tell me the truth, about your relapse,” I questioned.

“Because I wanted to…”

Then he kissed me and then all I can say is that he gave me the best sex I’ve ever had. We hung out for a little bit the next morning. It was kind of strange because there was nothing awkward about it.

I remember watching him leave that morning. I knew even at that point that it would be a very long time before I saw him again. I still think of that morning from time to time, wondering if things could have been different. I want to see him again…

So, it's not Just Me

2008-01-13T23:02:00.000-08:00

I thought I was the only one out of our group of friends who didn’t just adore Alyssa. I can’t believe that I just wrote about someone adoring Alyssa. The very thought of it is enough to make me want to kill myself. It truly is. I hate to say it, but almost everyone loves her. Except Jasmine. She hates Alyssa for two reasons.

Jasmine cannot stand the heinous things that she continues to pull all for the sake of being in the spot like. Really, all you have to do is stop putting on as much make up as Mimi does (Drew Carey). And Alyssa, it wouldn’t kill you to lose a couple of pounds. Oh, what am I saying? She needs to lose a lot more than a couple of pounds, for God’s sake. Who the fuck am I trying to fool?

Jasmine can’t stand the fact that Alyssa is with Joey. Apparently no one can. You would think all of us girls were fighting over Brad Pitt the way we carry on about him. I’m sorry to say that he is nothing more than an average American male. If only I could say that. The average American male probably deserves our attention more than Joey does.

I thought that it was all about the outward appearance these days. But, no of course that’s not how it is at all. It seems as if we are putting all those skills we learned from Sunday school as children into effect. Now we are looking within someone’s soul for who they truly are or something equally as rediculess. That’s probably not true. But, it’s the only explanation that I can come up with why all of us seem to lose it over this guy. He’s not even all that attractive, for God’s sake.

It’s simply embarrassing to say that I was so deeply attracted and attached to him at one point in time. God, what was I thinking exactly? I possibly wasn’t. Or, like my earlier theory, I was looking within his soul. That causes me to slightly laugh. Oh, what is becoming of me?

Apparently when Joey and Alyssa split I wasn’t the only one he was trying so hard to talk to. Apparently he wanted to be with Jasmine right before he was with Alyssa. This all happened right before he ended things with me, not that we were together at any given point.

Everyone Notices when they walk into a Room

2008-01-13T03:42:00.000-08:00

The minute I saw Robert last night my heart started beating much faster than it really should have. All I know is that I walked by him, acting as if I had no idea that he was there. I knew that if he was like his brother he would make it impossible for me to not notice his presence. If there was anything that Mr. Wrong couldn’t stand it was being ignored.

Of course I was right. I usually am on these types of things. He pulled me into a close embrace. I couldn’t help but smile against him. I knew others were looking at us with a disapproving glance. I live for such things as these. I truly do. I pulled away from his embrace, feigning that he had hurt me.

“No, it didn’t! You’re tough as nails…”

“Are you gonna give me a ride…”

“Maybe…”

“I think you will. In fact, I know that you’re going to…”

“Don’t be so sure of yourself, princess.”

“I can’t help it, really.”

Naturally, he gave me a ride home. At one point I was on the phone with Mr. X. He said something that made me smile. Of course Robert assumed that I was on the phone with some phantom boyfriend, that I neither have the time or the energy to put up with on any level.

“Are you on the phone with your boyfriend?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know?”

“I asked, didn’t I?”

“Maybe…”

“You’re cheating on me already?”

I of course laughed at him before looking at him as if he had absolutely lost his mind. And the part that causes me a great sense of amusement is that he probably had. I doubt that this will be the last time this occurs either.

Robert reminds me of Mr. Wrong in so many ways. But, at the same time, he will never be his brother. It doesn’t matter that I want him to be. Robert makes me laugh and they have so many of the same mannerisms that it’s shocking really. He reminds me of how much I really miss Mr. Wrong.

There was just always something about him that I could never seem to resist, didn’t want to. They both possess such magnetic personalities that it’s quite surprising. It doesn’t matter what they say or do, really. You just want to be in their company, whatever may be going on is of very little relevance. You want to know more about who they could possibly be and why they do the things that they do.

I don’t suppose that I have real feelings for either one of them. I won’t lie to myself and pretend I do. Mr. Wrong and I had amazing sex. We share an amazing chemistry of sorts, one could say. Something about their essence captivates me, more Mr. Wrong then his brother.

All day long I thought of Mr. Wrong. I wish I could tell you I didn’t, but I did. I can’t wait until he gets out of rehab. I cannot deny the fact that I look forward to that day very much so. It plagues my mind a great deal. I just want to see him again. I’m just worried that he won’t come back when he gets out of rehab. I’ll let you in on a little secret. The thought of him not coming back is more than I can possibly bear. Here’s another secret. I don’t want to know why the idea of him not returning causes me to feel a sense of immeasurable sorrow…

He has feelings for me again...

2008-01-12T22:41:00.000-08:00

Does Joey want a metal for realizing what everyone including his girlfriend already knew? He called me this morning to inform me of this nauseating information. If I wasn't so upset with him I would have had no choice but to show him pity, a sense of kindness not easily rendered from me.

"You had your chance with me. I believe that you blew it in every single way possible..."

"I know that. But, it doesn't make the feelings go away."

I sighed, somewhat annoyed. It was seven in the morning for Christ's sake. He woke me up for this particular reason. I thought it would be something important and dramatic. I don't know. Maybe Jane finally found out that Jason was cheating on her and she had killed him. But, no such luck. Or I would have even been satisfied with the fact that Alyssa had done the world a favor and killed herself.

"I don't have feelings for you anymore. You let me down by not standing up for me. I had faith that you would. You've never disappointed me to this degree before. I will always love you as a friend. I'm beginning to see that I have no choice in that matter. I still think you are a coward, though..."

"I can't really blame you for feeling that way."

"I deserve so much more than you. I really do. Goodbye..."

I hung up the phone with him. And for the first time in months I felt this sense of relief. I finally had the chance to tell him at least half of the things I wanted to say. I feel like I can finally move on from him and not resent him so harshly.

Resenting him is really the last thing I want to do. It doesn't help me. It doesn't really do anything for anyone, if you know what I mean. Besides, I can't seem to get Mr. Wrong out of my head lately...

How one would analyze Joey

2008-01-11T14:12:00.000-08:00

It's quite simple really when all is said and done. He believes he's in love with Alyssa because that's what he needs to. He stays with her because she's easy. If he stopped lying to himself and admitted that he didn't love her he would have to admit that that he's just using her for sex. That's the last thing that he wants to admit. And he talks to me when he knows I've absolutely had it with him because he doesn't want to lose me. He also knows that now he'll never have me. That probably kills him. He probably knows that he should have had me when he could have.

He admitted to me the other day that the only reason why he didn't help me out that day was because he was so worried about what Alyssa would think, what she would say. He actually had the gall to ask me if I understood.

"The only thing that I can possibly understand is that you're a coward."

"You don't understand..."

"Joey, at this point I don't believe I care to."

"I'm in love. You would understand if you were as well..."
I sighed deeply before hanging up on him. There was no point in continuing this conversation. There was something else I did understand that I didn't bother to share with him. He's still a boy trying so desperately to be a man.

I won't fault him for trying so hard to change. I can't. I do feel a sense of pity or sympathy for him. How could I feel that way towards him after everything that the two of us have been through? I'm only human. Even I have my weak spots...

The Story of Mr. Wrong

2008-01-11T14:11:00.001-08:00

I haven’t thought about him in a very long time. At first I wondered what made me think of him again. I think it’s because his twin brother, Robert is back in the picture. I believe that they are fraternal twins because they don’t look all that much alike. But, then again, you never know these days…

Mr. Wrong is every mother’s worse nightmare about whom their daughter could possibly end up with. Well, maybe not every mother’s nightmare, but if my mother knew that I had slept with him she would probably kill herself. I don’t suppose she would see that there could possibly be worse choices out there for me.

My mother would take one look at his many tattoos and his outstanding criminal record. Then it would be off to the convent for me, or confession at the very least. The point that I am making here is that she can never find out about my past with Mr. Wrong. He was the worst kind of man for me, so of course that meant that I had to be around him. There was something forbidden about him if not completely intoxicating.

I met him for the first time when I was about sixteen years old. I didn’t remember much about him. At the beginning of last year he was all any of my friends could seem to talk about. At first I was bored. But, then when they went on to tell me all about his past and reputation with the opposite sex I was intrigued to say the least. How could I possibly not be?

At first I didn’t even know who they were talking about. But, I did know that I had to meet him and see his actions first hand. I deduced that either I would be sorely disappointed or vaguely impressed. It all depended how he went about his different affairs with women.

I’ll never forget how when I saw him for the first time last summer since I was sixteen. I knew immediately who he was. My first thought was that he looked pretty good for someone who couldn’t seem to keep themselves out of prison. He dressed with a sense of class that slightly shocked me. He was a thug, for God’s sake. I’ll always remember that arrogant smirk on his face as he approached me. He liked what he saw. But, then again, most men in their right mind do. Hell, I’ve even been known to attract a couple of ones who weren’t.

I pretended as if I had absolutely no idea who he could possibly be. He seemed almost appalled that I couldn’t recall the fact that we had in fact met a couple years ago. Men of his nature always are. He went on to introduce himself to me all over again. I laughed and informed Mr. Wrong that I knew all about him and his ways already.

He demanded to know exactly what I had heard. I tossed my head to the side and informed him that a good girl never tells her source. I made sure to add an innocent smile to the equation. He now wanted to know everything I had heard. I asked him at that point if he hadn’t just heard me a few moments ago. I’ll never forget that first conversation after not seeing him for about three years.

“Perhaps when I meet that girl I will listen to what she has to say. Who really knows? But, I will tell you one thing. You will never be a good girl. Who are you trying to fool?”

“The world, perhaps…”

“I’m not buying it…”

“Congratulations would be in order if I was interested…”

“I already think you are…”

“I’ll have you know that I’m not…”

“But, you will be…”
I suppose that we would have continued our slight banter if he hadn’t chosen that moment to just walk away from me. I was quite upset and deeply offended. We were in the middle of a conversation and he just walked away. Did he have no idea just who he was talking to?

Our paths crossed once more later that summer. Our mutual friend’s family was having a Fourth of July barbeque. As I arrived at the party I noticed him playing in the street with my friend’s siblings and their friends. My friend commented that it was like watching a father playing with his children. I ruefully thought about the fact that he had slept with enough women that it could possibly be so. How funny! But, then again, there are consequences for all actions, yes?

He immediately walked towards me and tried to talk with me. I gave him a small smirk and asked my friend if one of her brothers were around. I was in need of some sort of entertainment, a diversion of sorts. He followed me to the side of the house.

“Stalking is illegal in every state from what I’ve heard…”

“You wouldn’t be avoiding me now would you?”

“Please don’t make me laugh,” I smiled as I turned around.

We were a couple inches apart. I stood there wondering what he would do, refusing to move because a part of me wanted to know if he was as good as everyone said that he was.

He leaned in and kissed me and I was pleased that for once that all of the rumors were not based on false evidence. The rest is pretty much history. Well, except for the fact that he did drugs again, stole a car, went to jail, got out of jail, stayed the night at my house when my mother was out of town, and we had amazing sex. But, other than that it’s all history, done with. He’s now in rehab. Good for him.

I can honestly say that he gave me the best sex I’ve ever had. Oh, yes. That’s why I probably also thought of him again. A girl who is not easily impressed in the bedroom doesn’t forget the best sex of her life. There’s just not a chance…

On a personal note...

2008-01-06T22:57:00.000-08:00

I realized I'm still really screwed up in the head. This whole year has honestly been about trying to change, trying to leave behind the person I was. I've said this once. I'll say it again. I used to do alot of drugs. I used to drink. Every teenager does, I suppose. But, not every teenager gets as out of control as I did. I've now been clean for a year. And, I realize I want that instant gratification.

I want to people to see how much I've changed, that I'm different now. But, more than anything I want my mother and I to have the relationship back that we did. It's not happening fast enough for me. I'm afraid we'll never being close again and to be honest it makes me want to break down and cry. To be honest just a step further I did break down and cry, all through today. I didn't even want to talk to her today... Fuck that I didn't want to talk to anyone. I went as far as to shut off my phone. I see that it's true what I heard someone once say to me...

"Wounds heal, but scars are forever..."

How did Alea being a fucking bitch and Joey a coward bring me to this realization? I'm not sure. Alea called Lea a whore last night, but I didn't find out about it until this morning. If it had been just that I would have let it go. But, I have been dealing with shit from Alea, Alyssa, and Jane for months. It's gotten to the point where enough is enough. I'm so sick of them acting like they love me to death and then fucking with me like this. It's fucking pathetic.

Alea didn't call Lea a whore because she really thought that. Ofcourse she didn't. She called her such a name because she wanted to get to me. If you have something to say to me come to my face and fucking say it or shut the hell up about it. But, don't you dare even think about hurting one of my Best friends to achieve it. She said alot of other fucked up shit about Lea that I don't even want to get into...

Joey, Joey, Joey... He was supposed to help me out with something yesterday. At the last moment he backed out because he was so worried about what Alyssa would say. There's nothing in this world I hate more than being vulnerable. But, I am just going to come out and say it. He really, really, hurt me, by not standing up for me... I thought he would, but he didn't. I'm dissapointed in him...

When there's nothing going on in my life...

2008-01-05T09:33:00.000-08:00

I like to thank the stars in Hollywood for giving me something to talking about. First of all Britney Spears has absoloutely lost her fucking mind, assuming that she had one to begin with. Seriously, who shows up to a deposition so late and then refuses to give the father her kids, when he has custody of them. Read the story here. It will not dissapoint you. I can promise you that much...

Don't even get me started on Lindsay...

Mr. Unmentionable returns...

2008-01-03T13:37:00.000-08:00

Lea and I used to call him the unmentionable because of all the things he has done. The two of us decided that he doesn't even deserve to be called by his given name. But, sometimes we can't help but talk about him. There's just so much to say where he is concerned that it's quite unbelievable. Well, it would be if we were discussing someone who isn't him. Until recently we called him the unmentionable, Mr. Unmentionable to be precise. A couple of weeks ago I realized calling him by that name gave a sense power to him and to everything he had done. So, I began calling him by his given name once more. But, on here... I'll just call him Mr. Unmentionable. It makes things so much easier on me. It really does.

I can't believe he has returned. Well, of course I can. I just didn't really want to know anything about it, at all. There is a first time for everything, I'll tell you. It was bound to happen sooner or later. People in the armed services have to have pay leave. Why they do, I'm sure that I will never understand. They should just make them stay there the entire four or eight years away from their family. I know it's cruel and completely unlawful but then he would have never hurt me so deeply. Alright, so they should give everyone else leave, just not him. If he did not have leave that year he never would have done what he did what that stupid girl. I can still remember that morning as if it were yesterday... I'm sure it will always be in my memory somewhere for the rest of my life... It's not the sort of thing a woman forgets very easily. I can't think of one woman who forgets a sense of betrayal very easily...

I walked into his room that morning. He wasn't exactly what you'd call alone. I expected him to be all on his own. We were casually dating after all. We had kissed for the first time in months. He actually regretted it. He should have told me right away he just considered me as a friend and wanted nothing else to do with me. Perhaps we could have saved our three year long friendship at that point. There would have been a chance at such a thing. But, he had to behave as a young boy did. He began avoiding me. He led me on. And that morning he wasn't exactly in his bed on his own.

I remember looking at her, sizing her up. I tried to find some sort of plausible reason why I had been replaced by her. If I could have found one I may have come to an understanding of sorts about the entire ordeal. I continued to look at her. But, the only thought that ran through my head was that I was a great deal prettier than her. If her beauty had over powered mine it probably would have hurt twice as much as it did. But, I would have understood it at least on some level. But, I couldn't understand anything except that there was a knife being drawn into my heart.

At first I didn't feel anything. I was in a complete state of shock. It's difficult to say who was more shocked Mr. Unmentionable, Lea, or me. Of course the girl laying in bed with him had absolutely no idea what was going on. I remember sitting in Lea's car that morning. I wanted to cry, but no tears would come. I couldn't fathom it. Why weren't they coming? I was overwhelmed. I wanted to get drunk and forget everything. But, at that point I had been sober for over sixty days. I wasn't going to give that up for him.

When I was drenched in that sense of betrayal, anger, and pain I realized why I wasn't crying and creating a scene for all to watch. A woman in pain knows the show must go on. And in that moment in time, though I didn't quite realize it, I was beginning to grow up. I was eighteen years old then. Even I didn't know it at that point in time. That was the day I began to grow up. That day I learned that life wouldn't always go my way. I could lie and manipulate things if I wanted to. Those two things still didn't guarantee that I would always get my way.

I believe that day I came to a place of self acceptance. Though he had hurt me beyond words I had kept that sense of dignity and pride. Sometimes those are the only two things that a woman has to hold onto. And hold onto those two things, I did with all my might.

When I came out of the sense of utter shock I looked him in the eyes. Then I picked up my purse that I had left on his table. I didn't say one more word to him before I walked out of his room, out of his life forever. I think he saw by the way I looked into his eyes that I wasn't coming back. Nothing he could say or do would ever fix what he had done to me...

Glamorous Pain

2008-01-03T00:55:00.000-08:00

And Baby Makes Three...

2008-01-02T22:53:00.000-08:00

I suppose that no matter how you look at this situation a baby could not possibly make three. Let's look at all the parties involved shall we. First off there is my ex boyfriend Jeff. Then we have his current girlfriend Leeanna. It would be quite cruel of me to leave out her other boyfriend (that Jeff just found out about, by the way) out of this equation, don't you think? His name is Derek, incase anyone cares, not that I would expect them to...

Out of all my past lovers Jeffrey was by far the most pathetic. I take that back. Second most pathetic, I should say. He broke off our relationship the first time (out of one hundred) after two weeks because he loved me and I couldn't say it back. I thought he was simply going insane and thought good riddance. I've learned through our on again and definitely off again relationship that he is in love with every woman he ever dates. Give him about three days. That's enough time for him to write a love poem, a marriage proposal, oh and I can't possibly forget about how he scripted out the rest of our lives. And no, I'm not joking...

Jeff and Leeanna met at a party one night. He thought that she was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. Mind you, every girl he ever meets is the "most beautiful girl he has ever seen." He couldn't understand why I wasn't surprised in the least bit when he claimed he was madly in love and had never felt this way before. This entire situation has been going on for about two months. He now wants to marry her. I of course thought he had simply lost his mind. It's doubtful I would marry someone even if I had known them for two years. Then he had the gall to ask me if I was jealous...

It's quite impossible to be jealous of someone who means so very little to you and has absolutely nothing you want. He of course was offended. I asked him if he could please get on with his story before I fell asleep on the phone. At that point I knew I could be more interested in some mindless thing either Jane or Alyssa were going on about. How truly horrifying!

Then he tells me something that causes the plot to thicken. It was something I hadn't heard from him yet. Leeanna was pregnant. There's a chance that he's the father. Derek could also be the father. Who knows? If she was stupid enough to sleep with Jeff it could very well be anyone's child. This is too good to miss.

I might some sense of pity for Jeff if he hadn't slept with the mindless woman in the first place. But, the part of this entire story that is too much for me to possibly fathom is the fact that he wants to be known as the child's father whether he really is or not. One may call him noble. In my expert opinion we may label him as an utter idiot. Let’s not forget the fact that he is only nineteen years old...

Why on earth would I want another dog...

2008-01-02T19:11:00.000-08:00

I already have a beautiful pit bull. I don't need the human version of her. I really don't. That much is for certain. I've mentioned Allen before. I know that I have. It would be impossible for me to avoid such a thing as that. He is the most convenient man I know to use, abuse, and completely discard at anyone's earliest convenience. Lately he's been calling me and following me around like a pathetic puppy that you just can't seem to get rid of no matter how hard you may try. At least if I pet my dog for awhile and throw her a bone she'll leave my presence. Allen is not the same case, unfortunately...

As I wrote yesterday, Alyssa called me. She wanted to know if the rumors were true, if I was in fact seeing Allen. What a silly bint! How could she begin to imagine such a thing as possibly being true! Who could have come up with such a silly rumor as that? The very idea of it it's simply ludicrous. There's more of a chance that I'd marry Joey than ever go on a date with Allen. Even thinking of myself as married to Joey makes me want to hurl and not leave my house for days on end. You can imagine how vexed Alyssa must have been when I told her who'd I'd rather marry then ever be seen with Allen.

Allen has so many characteristics of a stalker that it truly amazes me. How can one man be that pathetic, if not completely desperate? I can't seem to get rid of him. Verona called me the other day. I'm sure you can only imagine how annoyed I was with the entire ordeal in the first place. She assumed I was after her ex- boyfriend. She's simply lost her mind, that one. I told her that I would never want to be so much as near him. I ventured further to ask her if she had seen what he looked like lately (never mind how he's always looked)? Then I ended the phone call with informing her that I would never take part in her sloppy seconds. Any woman would be a fool to involve herself with any man this woman has been with. God only knows what kind of diseases this woman has.

I’ve been thinking of Jason a lot lately, more than is probably healthy. I look at him and I see all the potential he possesses. It almost makes me sad as I watch him waste it and squander it on women who don’t see what he can truly do with it. He surrounds himself with so many silly women to say the least. I can’t think of a better way to describe Alyssa and Alea. Don’t even get me started on Jane. She’s so young and naïve. She can’t fully appreciate Jason for all that he could possibly offer.

At one point in time I wanted to mentor the poor girl. I don’t think I would have been met with much success. She would have been a waste of my time, or God only knows what she would have done with the information I would bestow to her angelic soul. I love watching her from afar, seeming to think she knows everything and that no one will knock her from that pedestal that she has placed herself upon.

Oh, what am I saying? She would never have the mentality to place herself at such a place. If I am to honestly look at this situation for what it truly is, Jason has placed her there. He has caused her to believe that she is more than she could ever hope to be. It takes a soul as wicked, twisted, and manipulative as mine to appreciate Jason’s work of art, so to speak.

I watch Jason’s smile with these different women. He smiles at all of them. They’ve all reported to me how sweet, lovely, and innocent he really is. What stupid women they truly are! They never see the smirk at the end of his smile, or the evil twinkle in his eyes. Only I do. And he knows this. That is why I was the first person he shared his transgressions against Jane with. He knew I would laugh and simply congratulate him on a job well done.

Sometimes I have to wonder why he surrounds himself with those idiotic women, instead of allying himself with the likes of me. He likes having women in his life he can play for a fool. These women can never begin to guess what cards he is holding in his hands. He knows I always know all his cards, as well as the future ones he will draw. I suppose people as wicked as ourselves should never work together for common vengeance. God only knows what would happen. Goodbye for now my darlings…

Sex is not the answer...

2008-01-01T21:06:00.000-08:00

So, I want to get laid... Fucking sue me...

It's a new year...

2008-01-01T17:31:00.000-08:00

Happy New Years everyone... I hope you had an amazing new years eve. I sure as hell know that I did. I was so upset with my adoptive mother about so many things that I didn't think that I would go out and do anything at all. How silly does that sound. It was New Year's Eve for Christ's sake. Am I the only person who notices how we make a bigger deal over the eve of New Years, than the day itself? Anyway, so I went to this New year's Eve party my friend Shayla was hosting. Almost everyone I know was there. Well, everyone but Jason, that is. Jane did seem somewhat upset. I wonder if there's already trouble in paradise? Well, one can only hope...

It was a really good party. I am going to give you the short version because I am really tired. Joey got in trouble with Alyssa because he said I looked pretty. She was shooting me daggers all night. Jane looked uncomfortable. Alea was being overly nice. Whatever. Jasmine was there and we were dancing. Sid got it all on camera. Who cares? He hates me all of a sudden or something. I suppose it's Alyssa's doing. She makes everyone feel so sorry for her too much of the time. It makes me nautious. What the hell are we to feel sorry about?

It's not my fault that she's fat and white trash. I can't possibly be held responsible for that. I suppose she hates me for being gorgeous. Once again, that's no fault of mine. She can kindly blame that one on my genetics. I don't know. I am getting so tired of her and the shit she continually pulls. She's so boring and everyone loves her. In my opinion she's about as fascinating as going to the zoo... Yawn... Boring... This quote is so her...

I'll finish the story later. Alyssa is actually calling me. I should answer and see what the hell she wants...

Expectations are my downfall...

2007-12-29T22:54:00.000-08:00

I place expectations on everyone. I expect people to behave a certain way or to be a certain thing for me. And they never turn out to be how I either percieved them or at least wanted them to be. It's truly my downfall. But, when all is said and done I just want people to love me and not dissapoint me so terribly. They always do.

I always end up loving all the wrong people and for all the wrong reasons. I give them everything I have until there's nothing left. I wish I was different in so many aspects of my personality. But, I'm not. I truly am a all or nothing type of girl. Either I love you or I don't. With me there is no middle ground. There needs to be but I simply can't seem to find it. I hate to say this, but it's tearing me up from the inside out.

Maybe my problem is I look for self acceptance in other people, and not from myself. Someone I loved more than anyone else once told me "Hang on tight, babygirl, this thing called life is a ride. You don't have to like it. The only requirement is that you live it..." All I can say at this point is that in the past nineteen and a half years I've done just that...

I should write a book...

2007-12-24T22:03:00.000-08:00

At least I can tell you I am bored enough to do such a thing. My mother and I had dinner and then got into the hugest fight ever. We're sitting there, with, what was supposed to be a nice dinner, and I began crying my eyes out. I just wish that she would see things the way they were and that I am so unhappy with everything. I can say that this is the most unhappy Christmas Eve of my life. At least this time last year I was plastered beyond belief.

Well, Sarah says I should write a book and unlike all those other people out there I wouldn't even have to make anything up. I would ofcourse change everyone's name like I do on here. That way no one can stop me from talking all the shit that I want to. I realize, though, that if the people I know read this they would at least suspect I was talking about them. They probably would. Some people call me mean for saying some of the shit I say about people on here. I'm not a mean person by nature. I'm just bluntly honest. If you don't want your name dragged through the dirt stop behaving in a manner that would cause others to want to do such a thing.

I've had dreams about Jason lately. Who wouldn't? If he hadn't gotten that god awful hair cut he could have done some modeling. But, hair cut or not, he's still gorgeous. He's that guy you know will never be yours so instead he becomes your fantasy boy. Jason's deffinitely that alright. His main problem is that he's too beautifully fucked up for his own good.

Well, everyone, happy early Christmas. Everything always is alright on Christmas. I get some sort of token of love or giftcard. And then I shop. For that moment all of my problems go away. Either way I'm seeing my sister tommorow...

so, you want a soap opera?

2007-12-20T17:45:00.000-08:00

How's this for a soap opera? I told Jane, Alea, and Alyssa something about this man, George, I had certain doings with at one point in time. Now, I do see my one mistake. The entire story wasn't true. But, I wanted to keep them from making the same mistakes that I had made. Why I wanted to do so is far beyond me. Perhaps I had a moment of weakness and decided to turn the other cheek. I don't understand it at all. They told everyone including the guy. It was this huge game of he said and she said. I was so angry and all but dropped off the face of the planet. I didn't talk to anyone for weeks. Well, I would talk to Jessica, Rashelle, and Naomi, but that was all. They have always been my trusted confidantes...

People watched me and were shock. Some of them even got the silly notion that I was done with drama. I suppose they thought I was on my way to settling down for a happy and boring existence. Then I did something. So, I'm adopted. I went and found my real mom. I have a younger sister who is just like me. It's unbelievable. There's enough drama there to keep it going. I'm visiting my biological mother right now. We're so much alike. Well, at least, now we know where I get my dramatic nature from... My sister and I want to write our very own soap opera. We most have enough life experience that we'll never need to pay writers! It's amazing really.

Last weekend I went out to celebrate with Jessica. She warned me to say that Alea, Jane, and Alyssa would be there. I looked fabulous. They saw me and smiled. I gave them a wider smile. I hugged and kissed all three of them. I told them how much I had missed them, and that we had to go for coffee soon. I even went as far as to hug and kiss George. I put everyone in a state of shock. But, it is what I live for...

So, let's see. Jason and Jane are back together. It's enough to make someone want to barf. How naive she is! I give it a couple months. And to think at one time I wanted to take her under my wing, teach her to be more like myself. She's not smart nor cunning enough. I shall not waste my time, energy, and efforts on something lacking potential. She lacks, finesse. My sister on the other hand has the potential to possess all of these qualities. She has so much potential.

Alyssa and Joey got back together. It leaves such a vulgar taste in my mouth. But, I see what no one else can. He no longer loves her. He probably just couldn't find anyone else willing to sleep with him. How pathetic they both are! They do deserve each other after all I'd say.

Well, my darlings that's all for now...

Lies, Lies, lies...

2007-10-14T19:51:00.000-07:00

There's so many lies going on. I don't want to deal with any of this going on. I told a lie about Joey and Alyssa. I told a lie about Sammy. Joey keeps calling me, asking me what's wrong and why I won't call him back. I don't want to look him in the eye, tell him the truth, and see the hurt that lies there. That's the last thing I want. I can be a cold hearted bitch, at least that's what people who don't know me peg me as, but hurting him would be the last thing I want. He's one of my best friends. I don't deserve to even say I know him. I really don't. Does he know what I said? I don't know. I don't want to know. And Jason is gonna hate me when he finds out what I said. He may never find out. I don't know. Jane may keep her mouth shut. She may not.

My life used to be simple. I miss the days when things were as simple as Bob, Joey, and I sitting down for coffee just trying to get one more day clean then we already had. All we wanted was to get away from the monster known as Crystal Meth. That's all we wanted. And then life showed up. Life has a really fucked up way of doing that.

I'd give my life to go back to those days. I truly would. I never say this out loud. But, they meant the world to me. None of my designer clothes could hold a candle to those times. Then again money doesn't buy happiness. It doesn't buy true love or true friends.

They didn't care where I came from or that I was just a little bit different than them. They saw that I was just an addict who would die if I didn't stay clean. They gave me the greatest gifts; friendship and love. I never tell anyone this, not even Joey, but there are times I miss Bob. He screwed us all over but I miss him. If I were to see him I would probably run in the other direction, not knowing what to say. Like I said, people peg me as a cold hearted bitch, or even a drama queen. You want the truth? Most of the time I'm nothing but a scared little girl...

Where do I start

2007-10-13T02:15:00.000-07:00

There is just so much going on that I hardly even know where I could possibly begin. I suppose I will start with Joey and Alyssa. They broke up. It's not shocking, really. He called me twice today. I have him right back where I thought I wanted him. But, the funny thing is I don't want him anymore. What you think you want at one point, in the future, turns out to be the last thing you really want. A couple of months ago I would have been estatic if they had broken up. But, now? It's just sad. It really is.

Sammy is getting on my last nerve. She follows jason around like a lost puppy. It's all so rather pathetic, if you ask me. She sat next to him at dinner last night and gave all of the girls at the table a look that told all of us to back off. Her look told us if she couldn't have him none of us could. Well, it's true. No one is having him. He wants everyone. Well, maybe, Jane is the exception to this particular remark...

She told me last night that there is something between them, without a title. I don't know how much of this is what she would just want to be. Maybe there is still something there. But, I think I am slowly getting to the point where I don't think he's worth it.

He's the type you go out with. You have fun. But, nothing serious happens. We were dancing a little bit last night, bumping and grinding. He's fun. But, I don't think he's enough to make me happy for any considerable ammount of time. All he would do is leave me broken after stomping all over my heart. I truly deserve so much better than that.

Jason creates so much drama between the women and I doubt that he is aware of it at all. He flirts with all of the girls. We're all friends. I don't think he intentionally wants to hurt anyone. As bad as he can be, he canbe a very sweet guy. He doesn't see that his actions affect any of us. Maybe someone should say something. It won't be me... I think I will just remain silent on this one..

Musical chairs

2007-10-07T18:53:00.000-07:00

I don't even know how to put everything that is going on in my life into words. I dropped out of college for now, work a job I simply loathe, and then some. But, where relationships are concerned my group of friends seem to be playing musical chairs. It would be amusing, I suppose, if you weren't me. At least that's what an observer has said. Amusing? I don't think so. Alyssa and Jason have been hanging out alot. I bet she's sleeping with him. All I can tell you is that I see Joey these days more than she does. How truly sad is that? People are starting to think that he likes me all over again. I will tell you one thing. There is absolutely no way I am going through that all over again. It's just not happening. Jason can do what he wants and so can Alyssa... But, if Joey gets hurt in the process I am going to be really upset. When push comes to shove I will defend Joey over Jason. There are no questions about it, none whatsoever...

Jason and I are going nowhere. We flirt, but he does that with alot of girls. He is nothing but a waste of time and energy. It's quite dissapointing because his level of potential is amazing. His words don't mean alot to me. He might as well just be a pretty boy and choose not to speak. It would make my life easier. So, let Jason and Alyssa do what they need to do. There's also another girl I believe Jason is interested in. Her name is Sammy. Let Alyssa deal with it, and see how it feels. I'm staying out of it. Who thought you would ever hear those words coming from me?

Sammy is alright. She's cute and quite friendly. She's really no match for me, but if Jason wants her, then I really don't want him anyway. I realize except for me he has no taste in women, at least not really. There's also a couple new girls who have joined our circle of friends. You won't be surprised to find that Jason was the first to welcome them with open arms. I mean that in a literal sense of the word.

One of them, Jane, happens to be Jason's ex girlfriend. I, surprisingly, adore her. She's a little bit awkward and rough around the edges, but her level of potential is what I see. I have taken her under my wing. Imagine what I can teach her. Jason seems less than thrilled with this turn of events. Do you think I really care? Ofcourse not. Then there is Alea. I like her a great deal. She is quite successful. She's just good friends with Alyssa. Not for long, though.

I have been nice to Alyssa, but she has got to watch her back. I'm not to be trifiled with. If she isn't careful I will take her man away, her friend, and even Jason. She's trying to take him from me. When it comes to taking things from me, I am simply ruthless. I will not apologize...

Being thrown into the Ocean is not my cup of tea

2007-09-12T16:48:00.000-07:00

It really isn't. Jason and I had a spat of sorts on Friday. It was more as if we had come to a stand still. I decided to avoid him, that he just wasn't worth my time in any capacity. In any event, some of my friends were going to go to the beach on Sunday. I wasn't going to go. Then I realized how stupid it would be not to just because of him. I avoided him even though he saw me right away. I went towards the water with just the intention of putting my feet in the water. I saw him approach me. I turned towards the water.

I didn't hear anything at all. For a moment I wondered where he had gone. Well, I most deffinitely figured out where he had gone to when I felt myself being lifted off of the ground. Jason had picked me up and was carrying me towards the water. Ofcourse I was screaming numerous curses at him. Everyone was looking at us. I am quite used to it, and apparently by what Jason said so is he. He turns to the people who are watching us and says "Don't worry... This happens all the time..."

We flirted a bit throughout the day. I was even more confused then ever. But, I've decided I will flirt with him when I want to. I will leave him alone when I feel like it. I suppose that whatever happens happens. There's only one flaw in this plan. Lately I don't want to leave him alone. Tonight everyone is going to be there. I've invited Rashelle along, naturally. I do always need an opinion of another professional drama queen...

By, the way, I saw Joey for the first time in two weeks the other day. There were no feelings there at all. I was just happy to see my friend. I know I'm over him and have moved on to Jason. I just hope Jason isn't another disaster waiting to happen, or at least another dramatic scene. Oh, wait, my entire life is a dramatic scene. Rashelle likes to called it my personal Soap Opera. I love it. I truly do...

It's an upside down world...

2007-09-04T11:10:00.000-07:00

It must be an alternate Universe I've arrive at if Alyssa and I text each other every day, constantly meeting up for coffee and dishing about the men in our lives. I even now hang out with Joey, and feel much less animosity towards him. And, you definitely know it's an Upside down World if Jessica and I are barely speaking and Lea and I have kissed and made up.

I've left home to start a life on my own. It's amazing how in one night everything in your life can change, and whatever is left of it is completely unrecognizable. Someone close to me thought that while I was forced to concentrate on what mattered my dramatic nature would be completely left behind. That, I must tell you, is not entirely true.

I have left Joey and Alyssa completely alone. When I was on vacation with Alyssa I realized how much she truly cared about him. If I didn't make him happy, or give him what he truly needed, did he not deserve to find it with someone else? Letting go is never easy, but in order to live again it is necessary. Living from and in the past is so unhealthy. Then there's this other guy. Jason is something else entirely...

I think I may have found my match where he is concerned. He's extremely good looking has a great job, prospects, comes from a well rounded family, and his intelligence rivals mine. When you meet someone of his nature you're either with him or against him. From the moment we met about two months ago a series of sarcastic quips and flirtation ensued. The only problem is he might beat me at my own game. I suppose one would be accurate in saying he's the Valmont or Casanova of our group. I can tell you for the first time I have absolutely no clue with this one. It's all hearsay at this point...

I may make the biggest mistake with Jason and take a genuine chance on him. I don't believe I have ever taken a genuine chance with someone in my life. One may argue and say I did with Joey, but not really. I could never bring myself to tell him the true nature of my feelings and act in an according manner. Isn't life about going after what you want? If it turns out to be a mistake, then I will learn from it. At least I will be taking a chance.

He's an enigma to me. He's a walking contradiction. There's something about him that makes me feel calm and secure, then there's something about him that makes me question everything. I completely trip over my words around him, as well as myself. It's quite embarrassing to say the least. We shall all see where this one goes...

I love Happy Endings

2007-08-11T02:49:00.000-07:00

I have been so sick lately. It was absolutely horrible. I assumed I was about to die, or something else of the similar nature. But, your dramatic bullshit queen is back and better than ever. The first day I was actually able to be seen in public I of course wanted to see Jessica. All she could do was talk about the trip next week and how much fun the three of us were going to have, how I needed to give Alyssa a chance. She even went as far as to say I owed it to her. I was not hearing it.

So, how, you may ask, did I get talked into going? After all, this is the girlfriend of the one who pretty much betrayed me. How did I get stuck in this? He thinks I’m his good friend while his girlfriend believes I’m her friend as well. How did all of that happen? I couldn’t tell you, really.

I told Jessica that I would go, so at this point I can’t really get out of it. Well, let’s be realistic. If I had to pull out, I could. Given the certain circumstances, let’s just hope I don’t kill the silly girl, lose my mind over some idiotic comment she may make. Let’s face it. She’s not exactly the smartest woman I know. No wonder he is with her! It did bother him a great deal that I was smarter than him, which, by the way, is a difficult thing not to be. But, he went and found someone with less sense then he happens to posess. How did he manage such a thing? Whatever you do, don’t answer that question. The answer might have me paralyzed for months.

But, I believe in turning every bad situation into a good one, benefiting myself. Since she believes that we are such good friends I could plan the seed of doubt in Alyssa’s head. Who knows? Maybe by the end of this trip I will have managed to unravel their entire relationship. You never know. But, it very well could be coming to an end already at this point…

Monday night Alyssa and Sid were hugging for about five minutes, and she seemed almost nervous when I approached the two. But, as quickly as it came it left. I acted as if nothing out of the ordinary were going on. I kissed her on both cheeks to settle her nerves. So, at this point she could very well be having an affair with Joey’s close friend. He doesn’t even know it. Oh, his idiotic nature never ceases to amaze me! It almost destroys my soul how blind and simple minded he truly can be!

What would Joey do if things ended? Where would he go? I wonder who on earth he would possibly be able to turn to for comfort and support. He is oh so predictable that it is quite boring. He’d come to me all hurt. Of course I would console his supposed broken heart. I would wait for the first given opportunity. Then I would do exactly what he did to me. This story’s ending has already been written. As boring and predictable as it may be, I do not deny that I love the foreseeable ending. How could I? I always love an ending where I land on top. I believe I am about to completely steal the spotlight from her. Oh, this is too delicious for words. They have yet to be invented, I’d say…

They never wrote about blow jobs in the Bible

2007-08-04T02:49:00.000-07:00

Tonight I was having dinner with some friends as usual. Mira happened be there with Sid, her counter part (or who would be her counter part if she could gain his interest). So, of course, they sat with us, seeing as they are acquaintances of ours. I use that word in the loosest sense. Speaking of loose…

Mira has had sex with anyone willing. I’m sure that you have heard the saying that age is just a number? Well, whoever brought those words to life must have had her in mind. I remember this particular time Joey and I were sitting around and smoking a couple of cigarettes. She waltzes up to him, interrupts our conversation wanting to know if she could feel his biceps. As I write this I realize just how ludicrous that entire situation was. I wish I could report to you that this is a joke. But, alas it isn’t. Anyway, let’s get back to the current story at hand before I cause the lot of you to vomit. I would not like to be held responsible for such a terrible thing…

As we were eating Sid was hinting at how she likes to swallow, then they proceeded on to whisper about something. Perhaps Sid has partaken in what many a male has? Who knows? I’ll bet he has. He’s a bit on the desperate side, if you know what I mean. I have heard that desperate times call for desperate measures. As soon as he said those words it took me back to a particular situation of sorts…

A friend or two of mine caught her in front of a church parking lot giving head to someone. What was wrong with the back of the church, one may ask. We could almost deduce that she wanted to get caught. Perhaps she wanted to build up a cliental. Isn’t giving head at a church sacrilegious? She surely must have been breaking some rule against God…

But, low and behold it says absolutely nothing in the bible about fornication in (or pertaining to this situation out of) the house of the lord. People had sex out of wedlock and were severely punished. Also, a King killed someone else’s husband so he could sleep with his wife. But, there is not one passage I have ever read about someone giving out a blow job of sorts. This was not the kind of conversation I wanted to have as I ate. I’m sure anyone could imagine why…

The going ons within the middle of the week

2007-08-01T22:15:00.000-07:00

I learned quite the valuable lesson Sunday night. Never allow your best friend to bowl when she is completely plastered. The ball may go against the near by wall instead of the lane itself. Since when do bowling alleys have bars? Have they always? Was it not enough that Rashelle drank at that party in West Hollywood a couple hours earlier? Why did we have to go bowling? Oh, yes. Now I remember. She knew her ex- girlfriend would be there. She wanted to prove to her that she was having a good time on her own. Naturally her ex-girlfriend wasn’t there. We did see some people we know. What was there left to do? I suppose drink, go bowling, and smoke a few cigarettes. I had my red bull, of course.

I simply adore Rashelle above anyone else. I truly do. There is not another soul I’ve come into contact with who understands my dramatic antics so well. It also doesn’t hurt that, like me, she always is up to date with exactly what is going on. Seeing as I was gone for five days, I was most appreciative of this factor. Who wouldn’t be?

Jennifer used to be someone I was very close to. She was almost like a sister to me. I noticed that every time she got into a new relationship she just got a little bit crazier, if you know what I mean. After awhile she just got a little bit too crazy and clingy for my liking. I had to dispose of her before it became a direct reflection upon me. I knew the moment Jennifer and Star hooked up it was going to be the biggest disaster of all. Of course I was right. This relationship turned out to be far more destructive than any of her past ones. Who starts planning their wedding after being together for two weeks? I know. Then there was the fact that Jennifer was only allowed to talk to me at certain times during the day. These were Star’s instructions. I was not going to be put under restrictions. And apparently, neither was anyone else in Jennifer’s life. After awhile Jennifer had no one except her relationship with Star.

It didn’t last forever as Jennifer had hoped it would. Then again, she always believes every relationship is going to. Star went on a cruise of sorts. When she returned she learned that Jennifer had betrayed her. She had slept with someone else. And, apparently, Jennifer is with this other girl now. From what has been told to me this other girl makes Star look like a super model. I must see this girl first hand. I find it rather difficult to believe that anyone could make Star look that way. But, if my information is correct, then what the hell was Jennifer thinking? All I can tell you is that Rashelle better keep me informed…

I’ve continued to keep a low profile lately. But, Jeff calls my insistently wanting to see me. I’m not interested. I don’t understand how I ever could have been. But, seeing as he’s my ex, that’s insinuates that at one time we were dating. He wants to see me this weekend. Too bad. I already have other plans. He’ll live. Or maybe I’ll get lucky and he’ll fall down and die. You never know…

Joey called me this week. Three times to be precise. Two out of the three times I chose not to answer his call. The third time I answered on the last ring and made a quick excuse not to talk to him. Talking to him for those few moments took me back to the days when things were very different between us.

At first when things were over I missed him. I missed being around him anytime I wanted. I missed our late night coffee chats. Something about him made me feel safe from the get go. I missed being able to depend on him. I missed so much about him that I probably could have written pages about it. Then I stopped missing him because he no longer missed me.

I remember that night. I laid awake until dawn wondering why things had changed so drastically. Then I realized that it didn't really matter. They had changed and he had let me go. Nothing in the world would be able to alter this particular factor. It was over with. We couldn't fix what had been broken over time.

When Alyssa came into the picture I had one last chance to save whatever was left and I chose not to. He wanted to see me. I remember him saying how he missed me. I made up an excuse, immediately dismissing him. I wasn’t going to hang on to him any longer, not when somebody else wanted him. And unbenounced to him at that point he wanted her as well. I wasn’t about to made a fool of. Not this time. Not again. Now I realize I don’t want things to be the way they were. We live separate lives that always collide with each other. They don’t have to intertwine, though. I believe that that is just fine by me. He can live his life while I live mine. It could never have worked out. In the words, of my friend Samantha, he will never maintain the same level of fabulous that I do…

My enemy's smile

2007-07-29T12:47:00.000-07:00

My vacation was fabulous. I had a marvelous time. I may even move there one day. We shall see, won't we? Time can only tell. I flew home on Friday evening. I could have stayed a couple of more days and remained content. You will find this to be most unusual, but for the moment I am keeping a low profile... I've only been home for about two days. Not too much has happened. Well, to be completely honest...

The Friday before the Sunday I left for my trip I came into contact with Alyssa and Joey. I profusely thanked him for the directions he gave me. I told him I did not know what I would have done without him and so on. I believe you get the picture. I proceeded on to give him a hug as well as a kiss on the cheek. He must have been quite confused seeing as that night before I dismissed him completely. If he was confused in any form he covered it up well by declaring that I could always depend on him. Did I mention Alyssa was there when this entire exchange was going on? She did not look so happy with me. Do you think that bothered me? Of course not. I was completely delighted with this turn of events...

I chose to be so catty for one reason only. I wanted her to know her place. I CHOSE to step aside and allow her to be in the spotlight. If she isn't careful I can take it away. She won't tell Joey about all of this because she won't want to look bad in his eyes. She is aware that he considers me one of his friends. Why he does, I'm sure I do not know.

Can you believe that Jessica wants the three of us to vacation together? Oh, my God. Has Jessica absolutely lost her mind? She's on some sort of mission to save Alyssa's soul or something else equally as horrible. I've got to talk to Rachel about this. I don't know if I could survive being on the same trip with her. I do not care where it is...

She plays the girlfriend card as I've explained. I wanted to make it known to her that we are not friends. Do you want to know the most upsetting part in all of this? I'm not completely convinced that the message has been received. I know what she's doing. At this point it doesn't really matter if she knows that.

In any event, I saw her after I got back into town. She was all smiles. I returned her smile with a hint of a smirk. Then I warmly embraced her. I can see that no one has told her to be aware of your enemy's smile. You never know what they are planning next...

The weekend update... unless something devestating happens

2007-07-20T11:38:00.000-07:00

It is Friday morning. I do not have much time to give you today. I still have yet to pack. My room is simply a fright. Don’t ask me how it happened once more. Later in the afternoon I am going to lunch with some of my girlfriends. In the early evening I have plans with my family. Friday late night belongs to a certain group of people, unfortunately. So I shall just give you an update on some of the people who we’ve already discussed…

Who knows what is going on with Alyssa? She was probably busy sucking off Joey last night. What other purpose could she possibly serve where he is concerned? I cannot think of one. If you can possibly come up with a plausible one do us all a favor and contact the media at your earliest convience.

I suppose that this would bring us to Joey. I called him last night when I was on the road. I needed directions to a particular location. He seemed somewhat hurt that that was the only reason I was calling. I do not care. Did he expect me to call and tell him all about the going ons in my life? I don’t think so…

Mr. X and his girlfriend, Rhea, are having problems. She suspects that he has not completely been faithful to her. What was the twit’s first clue? Don’t answer that question. I’m not sure that I am quite prepared to know the true level of her stupidity. Lea of course was very unsupportive towards his situation. He was surprised that she was being such a bitch. I could have told him that one…

I haven’t seen Verona since she dumped Allen. I did see Allen last night though. He looked completely devastated, even heartbroken. Perhaps he missed being yelled at and having to baby-sit her children at any given moment?

That is it for now. But, if something devestating happens I will be forced to make time in my busy weekend to tell you all about it...

The Distasteful Drama Queen

2007-07-19T11:05:00.000-07:00

I never have quite comprehended how they go about it. Some drama queens just do not know how to carry themselves in a respectful manner. They cause those they are associated with to look down on them as well as their actions. Perhaps it’s because they lack beauty as well as poise. No matter what I do I gain an audience and the women involved, the ones that matter anyway, rally to my cause. Verona, as we will call her, is a distasteful drama queen. Some of the women in my life were talking about her this morning. She has children at such a young age. She has a boyfriend as well as a girlfriend. She has chosen to involve herself with Allen. She has included him in every single one of her affairs. She leaves her children at any given moment with this young man. I for one do not understand how men will put up with the bullshit of a young woman who doesn’t have any prospects. Perhaps, it is because they are so very similar. I do not know.

She has caused quite the uproar from what has been told to me. I think we should all ignore her, pass her by, and continue on with the quality of our lives. Yes, I am quite sure she is a backstabbing silly girl. No one is disputing this particular factor. There are so many these days that it is turning into a trend of sorts. It’s all so nauseating and simply boring, really. They are all quite the same. If you’re going to do something gravely inappropriate or behave in a scandalous manner, at least carry yourself in a way where everybody watching, cannot predict the ending. At least in that manner, people will be forced to admire you. Can we admire this distasteful drama queen? I think not. In this case I believe we may be forced to condemn her actions… If someone admires her I would be forced into considering the source of the admiration…

It could cause Devestation

2007-07-19T00:55:00.000-07:00

I am simply terrible. I truly am. You can judge for yourself when I tell you what has happened now. There is a certain guy in my ex best friend’s past. We’ll call him Mr. X and the ex best friend, Lea. Mr. X was basically a man whore, who was a dear friend of mine. In any event, Lea wanted him. She hooked up with him. Before I explain the arising situation I should tell you more about Lea.

Lea was always quite the sex addict. I could see it before she even engaged in the act of sex itself. No one knew about it, of course. She always kept it very hush- hush. But, ofcourse, I knew all about it. What Did I tell you? I know everything. I wonder what her parents would say if they knew the truth about their adoring daughter’s hobbies? Where would I even begin? Where would it all end? Her parents just might die of a heart attack or something equally as awful. My knowledge about her life could blow it to pieces if I put the right information in the wrong hands.

I trusted her more than I have ever trusted another human being. I made her apart of every aspect of my life. What does she do in return? She turns around when I am not looking, and stabs me in the back! I don’t get over a grudge easily, at least not until I have had my revenge. And I will.

Mr. X has always showed a varied degree of interest in me. I could very well use it against him and Lea in one fall swoop. Everyone gets what they want except Lea. This would crush her. It would devastate as well as destroy her. I wonder if her new boyfriend knows what I know… If I go through with both parts of my plan… I don’t know if anything would ever be the same. I haven’t made a final decision yet. We’ll see what I decide…

Goodbye, Goodbye

2007-07-18T21:50:00.000-07:00

A dear friend of mine, whom we shall call Sarah, thought it would be perfectly acceptable to go off to New York for about two months. I do not enjoy saying goodbye to people at all. I suppose that it would have been somewhat appropriate if I wasn’t going on a small trip myself. So, today was the last time I am to see her before she leaves. What did I do? I hugged her tightly and wished her a good trip. What is happening to me? I didn’t even cry. I didn’t moan. My body didn’t feel as if it was dissipating. I will miss her with a great sense of desperation though. Oh, I do hope she enjoys New York. Darling, makes sure you go shopping. You will make me so proud if you do that. What on earth do I think I am saying? You always make me proud. Goodbye, my friend. Goodbye. I shall await your return with baited breath…

The Romantic couple of the year

2007-07-18T00:02:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I do talk a bit too much. I never quite know when to shut up because I tend to know what is going on with absolutely everyone. That is not my fault. It’s quite a gift, really. I spoke the truth as I saw it. I truly did. I just don’t know if Joey would see it that way or Alyssa.

I found myself wondering what attracts men to her. I believe it’s because she’s low maintenance. She doesn’t require a lot and she doesn’t have much class either. She’s not particularly brilliant. Her teeth, well, we won't even go there. Yet, all of the men in my program seem to pay a lot of attention to her, seem to think that she’s gorgeous, or at least something else equally as rediculess. It’s simply appalling. It truly is. But, most of those men are on General relief or in some sort of half way house. Of course they’d be attracted to white trash. How cruel I’ve been! How could I have possibly been this upset and somewhat angry with them? She’s within reach. She’s a working class girl. Oh Joey and Alyssa’s relationship is truly a Drug Addict’s love story.

Joey is on probation and this girl is doing community service. They met when she was just beginning the process of getting things together. Though, he is somewhat on his feet, it’s still like watching the blind leading the blind. Is this not the stuff romantic novels are based on? I truly hope they could come up with something just a little bit more exciting! They hang out at my program with each other. I’m sure the attraction is there, but I don’t see the fiery spark, the bolt of lighting as my mentor would put it. They’re boring to watch. Their relationship is like watching a slow movie that promises to have a riveting ending. You keep your eyes glued to the screen waiting for the movie to either pick up speed or just end, preferably with a sense of devastation, distraught, pain, and sorrow.

So, I’ve detained you long enough. I might as well as tell you what I was gossiping about. I was talking to a dear friend of mine. We shall call her Jessica. She hates gossiping on any level and I highly respect that about her. That is what makes us such good friends. In any event I brought up a situation that happened at our program last Saturday, in which Alyssa didn’t behave appropriately. In the beginning my thought process was not what it should have been, but I corrected it and took the right action. But, Alyssa carried on and on about the situation at hand. At that point, I saw her true colors. I shared with Jessica what happened and exactly how I viewed Joey’s situation with Alyssa. He doesn’t realize what he has gotten himself into. He really doesn’t. He seems to love dramatic women. Why do you think he used to have feelings for me?

I trust Jessica. I am just somewhat concerned that she will feel the need to rectify this particular situation, to either allow Alyssa to know she’s unhappy about how she chose to carry herself or else, to help her find her path. I think she should just let the silly girl fall flat on her face. No matter what Jessica decides it will happen. I will no longer say anything out loud about it. But when she falls, and she will, I will laugh. She wants to play the girlfriend card; wants to be friendly with us, she can go right ahead. I have absolutely no problem playing a role.

When things end with Joey, and they will, whose side are they going to take? They will take his. They always do. Since he is a good person (A factor I shall not deny), he can do no wrong in their eyes. It will be her fault. And who will she have to lean back on? Perhaps there will be a man, who wants nothing more than to use her. Being used by someone does nothing more than diminish the woman she could have been.

I will silently laugh at all of this. She wants to live her life in the program spotlight. I did it for awhile. I will not take her moment away from her. Who am I to deny her that right? If I really wanted to I think I could knock her off her high horse. But, why waste my time on those people? She’ll learn soon enough. You’ll see…

My Introduction

2007-07-17T11:32:00.000-07:00

INTRODUCTION…. He betrayed me…

I am going to tell you exactly what is going on, no lies. I belong to a program of sorts. We’ll just call it that, alright? Fuck it. I’m a drug addict. It really isn’t that shocking. We’re getting off topic here, not that I really got into the topic in the first place. I did on some level, though. I was about to tell you what was really going on. Hold on. I should introduce myself first. I can’t give you my real name. You might know me. And if you don’t have my name you can go on thinking you do, when I could be just like someone you happen to know. Just call me your Dramatic Bullshit Queen.

Alright, so back to what I was originally going to tell you about. I am so tired of this new girl on the scene. She carries herself in a manner that one may find acceptable. She is even quite friendly. Or so she pretends to be. She’s with the guy I thought I once liked. Let me tell you EXACTLY what happened there. It was a classic once upon a time, never going to happen again type of deal. He turned out not to be smart or cool enough for me. Oh, well. At least through him I was able to create a situation worthy of the soaps.

We’re going to call this guy Joey, even though that’s the name of this other loser. Oh, well. I enjoy being catty. It’s in my dramatic and gossiping nature. We’ll call his friend Bob. That’s the name of my old dealer. He was an even bigger loser then the real Joey. Are you guys slightly following here? We’ll call the new girl/new girlfriend Alyssa. I once knew an Alyssa who was more dramatic and tearful then I can be. Oh, what a frightful thought that one is!

So first I met Bob. He was cool, freakin whatever. He had a girlfriend, but I flirted with him a little bit. Joey got dragged along for the ride in the beginning. Then I realized Bob had nothing but good looks, and even then… it was only his face. A lot of stuff happened in between, but I am far too tired to divulge completely. I will later, darlings. I promise. Though Joey wasn’t the cutest he had potential or at least I thought he did. I brought a friend of mine into the picture. What do you think she did? She was quite large and undesirable, if I do say so myself. She had sex with Bob and made a pass for Joey. I took the girl out of the picture. How? Never mind that one. A drama queen never reveals her secrets, because she truly has none. They are shouted from the roof tops. Alyssa entered. I was betrayed and left for someone who was less prettier than I am…

I knew she was trouble from the beginning. I said to myself she’s going to go for Joey. What happened a couple of weeks later? They’re holding hands. I was seething with rage. Did she not understand that I had property claims on this guy? I wanted to shout, yell, scream, cry, what fucking ever.

The drama queen remains silent. And you will be the only ones to know what has happened, and in the future what will happen… Enjoy… My life is a soap opera. The world is my stage. And my acquaintances are my publicity. What was it that Madonna said? I believe it was any publicity is good publicity…