I just want to die...

It's hard loving someone and just knowing it's over, not because you want it to be but because it has to be. I love this person more than anything and I can't be with them anymore because it's destroying my life. I was a different person before I met Domonic. I had loved before, but never to the point where I all but became that person. It's the kind of love that destroys you because there's nothing you wouldn't do for that person. It hurts so bad when you know someone's been lying to you for a long time. It's hard when you know all of this and you let it go on because you love the person, because you want to be with them no matter what...

I love you Domonic, but I can't do this anymore. I can't. I can't accept the lies anymore. I can't accept the bullshit and half of you. Can't you see that you're killing me and that I deserve so much better?

I know that he's getting high. There might be other women involved. I do know that he hasn't bothered to call or text me in four days. I know that he lied to me. I know lately he doesn't call me the way he used to or treat me the way he used to. It's hard going from being someone's princess to trash to them. I feel abandoned by him. You want to know the worst part? We're having a child together.

I think he's lost to me forever, but I don't know what to do if he ever tries to come back... It's so hard not to believe a lie because you want it to be the truth so badly... It's hard not to believe that somehow this time will be different because you want it to be. This is so fucking hard.

Here's what I want to do. It's just going to be hard to stick to it because it's really hard. No matter what Dom says or does things have to be over between us because I deserve so much better. I need to give my daughter up for adoption when she's born because she deserves a family that has their shit together, want to be parents, and are emotionally stable. I need to really get back into 12 step meetings. My mom would help me rebuild a normal life if I gave up my daughter for adoption.

That's what the plan should be. That's what it needs to be. It's just so hard when you love someone. Your head and your heart are two different things. It's like all of this sounds great until I talk to Dom. And somehow I convince myself that it's us against the world and that the world is lieing to me. I convince myself that he loves me and that we can get through anything, that it's all going to change because he said so. But, that's a lie. He's not going to change. His actions don't show that he loves me anymore. Remember, love is an action word. I know in my gut at one point in time he did love me, but the guy who used to love me doesn't exist right now... His addict self does...

Where do I even begin?

Me and Dom stopped talknig for awhile and I suppose that somewhere along the way I fell in love. I thought that I would never take another chance on someone again, especially after Mr. Wrong and Robert. But, I did. And I am still taking that chance. We are now very much together. it's crazy to say this but I have never really had sex with someone that meant something to me. We'll see where this all goes...

Everything unfolds...

I had the wrong email address. This guy scares me and he makes me feel vulnerable. I've liked him for a year and nothing has been able to happen. He makes me feel like I could want a guy again and learn to trust him. Not just meet a guy and trust him from the very beginning. What can I say? I can be a silly girl, if not a completely stupid one.

I've changed so much. I'm not as dramatic as I used to be. I've simmered down a bit. Would I wait for this guy until the time is right, where it can happen? I don't know. He'd have to ask me and then I'd have to know what I'm waiting for. I just know I will never allow another guy to ever treat me as I've been treated before. What shall we name this guy? I think we will call him Dom.

Dom reminds me of Robert, except he wants to change. Robert is out there getting loaded all over again. Five months ago it made me sad, but it also made me realize that I had completely let him go. I just didn't care anymore.

Sometimes when someone hurts you enough, after awhile, you feel nothing. You eventually get over the pain, the tears, the heartache, and you're just tired. Exhausted. I was sick of trying to make something work that had died. I woke up one day and realized he's never going to care about me the way I deserve. I can't make him. He will always want to be with the mother of his child. I can't change that. And that's okay. I don't want to change it. I just don't care...

Mr. Wrong and Alyssa had their baby. He's a beautiful baby. I don't hate them anymore either. I just don't. I realized hating them took time out of my busy life. They were living their lives, happily, not knowing I hated them. Alyssa's stressed out because she thinks he's cheating. No matter how much he denies it she won't let go of that notion. I didn't tell her this, but ofcourse he's cheating on her. It's what he does.

I'm going to school so that I can work in the medical field. It's a bottom position. But, if there's anything I've learned this year is it's okay to start with nothing. It's okay to start from the bottom and work your way back up. I'm broke most of the time. For God's sake, I clean houses when I'm not in school. Can I tell you a secret? I'm the happiest I've ever been. I never thought I'd say this. But, material things don't make me happy. I have real friends today. I love my life despite my own bullshit. I'M FUCKING HAPPY AGAIN...

I haven't

Wrote anything in a very long time. I've been so very busy lately, just trying to figure out this thing called life. In any event, I am very stressed out about a situation right now. Remember I wrote about a guy I couldn't have in my last entry? Well, he gave me his email address. I wrote him yesterday. It shows that he opened the email. I am just afraid that he didn't read it and that someone else from his program did. I'm afraid he's in trouble. Anyway, I guess I won't ever know... Sooner or later I will. It's killing me. I hate waiting to know something. I suppose the accurate thing to say is I hate not being in the know. I should post more from now on. I'm not sure if anyone even reads this anymore. Doubtful. I think this is more for me now...

No one Understands...

They really fucking don't. How can they when I barely understand anything. I feel slightly depressed right now. It's Christmas eve and for the first christmas even in probably my entire life I'm virtually alone. There's only one person I want to spend it with and I can't... No one gets it. They just don't.

They always tell me you guys can't ever be together. You don't meet in rehab and end up with someone. It doesn't happen that way. They don't see what I see in him. All they see is someone with not alot of money, younger than me, and not that cute. They don't see what I see. Because, if they did, they'd want him too. But, their right in all they say. He is younger. Mr. Wrong was way hotter. And he has nothing. He's in rehab. But, he gets me. With one look he just knows. You know when you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that someone has seen past your pretty face? That you're more than that to them? Like you just know? That's how it was from that day.

It's not as if we were in the same program. We were in two different programs, one a male program and the other, the one I was in, was a female program. But, they had this event one day in the summer. It's like the one day where they can really talk to women. He infuriated me from the second we introduced. I thought he was completely off the hook. But, I can tell you one thing. He made me laugh. He made me smile. And I'll never forget that for the rest of my life.

You know those people that you know that you will never forget? He'll always be one of them. I miss him more than words could ever state. I haven't seen him in a month. I have to see him before I go crazy.

Progress report

A really long time. I've missed writing in here, but like I said I was going to rehab. And I've been there. And I'm almost done with it. One month to go. I had four months clean when I put myself there. I just felt like everything was falling apart and there were days when I wanted to kill myself. I've learned so much in treatment. I've grown so much. I'm alive again, like right before Mr. Wrong got out of rehab. I'm that girl again. I'm beautiful. I'm alive. And I know it. It's not perfect. I've got alot to sort out, but it's gonna be okay. I'm gonna be okay.

Alyssa's pregnant. Shocking. I saw her and Mr. Wrong a month ago. I was dressed to kill. I was home on a pass. She's fat, pregnant, and her baby's daddy is off the hook... And me, I'm recovering and can do anything I want to do once more. I want to live, be happy, and survive today... There's this guy I like in another program... but I respect that he's not supposed to talk to me... I know, I know, my downfall

Once more...

I'm leaving. For rehab. I wonder what will be said about me when I'm gone. Probably absolutely everything and anything. So, let's see, what's going on for the minute before Rashelle comes to takes me to rehab...

Jessica came around as she always does in the end. What can I say? we seem to be stuck together as friends on some level. Anyway, lately she knows what's going on with everyone...

Jane came to Jessica's in tears. Apparently Jason said that he had things going on and that he couldn't see her right now. We all know what that means. He wants to fuck other girls, right? Obviously...

Anyway, she's been hanging out with Matthew pretty much everyday. Matthew been creating quite the stir lately. Everytime Mr. Wrong isn't around she is all over him. I saw that when I was in sober living a couple months ago. When I saw them I even asked her if her and Mr. Wrong ago. As Matthew grabs her ass she tells me that her and Mr. Wrong are doing really well. Unbelievable...

Jessica can't believe Alyssa turned out to be such a whore and Alyssa can't believe that I don't like her. What is wrong with everyone? It took both of them that long to figure out both things? My god...

Goodbye, my loves. You'll get an entry in about a month or two. It time to leave and truly take care of myself. Everything will be alright...