I'm pretty much...

the deffinition of a lost girl right now. I used to always say I was lost in the back of my mind or that I didn't know who I was. We always know who we are. It's just that sometimes who we are is too much to face, so we go around saying we don't.

Let's see. I was the poor little rich girl. I was mommy's angel. I was the preppy girl. For a minute I was a metal head. But, always between those things I was an addict. Let's be honest, shall we? Crystal and coke were my lovers. They wer emy first, last, and always. People always said they would be the death of me. Sometimes I wonder if that's still true.

Lea's as good as gone. It's hard to talk to Rashelle. I can't call Robert or even Mr. Wrong. Jessica doesn't understand any of this. Kathryn and I rarely ever talk anymore. Hell, I'd settle for Joey, but these days he'd just shut me down. He used to never shut me down. I used to have his attention for hours on end. He'd listen to all my dramatic spews.

What happened to these people who loved me so much, or at least I thought they at least cared. They've all changed so much that it's like looking at strangers. I just want someone to listen to me, someone to care. So, I can say what I've been dying to say. I'm dieing inside and I'm drowning in the middle of the sea. Would you throw me a life jacket, please? But, even if they would listen I would never say that.

And the only person I can talk to out of all those people I listed is Mr. Wrong. But, things are so awkward between us. He kissed me. And instead of letting him like I used to I pulled away and asked him what he was doing.

"I missed you..."

"You don't get to miss me because you did this. I got to miss you for as long as I wanted to. But, I stopped missing you. You don't ever get to do this to me..."

"I'm still in love with you..."

"You were never in love with me to begin with. You don't love anyone. And I don't blame you. It's not your fault. You can't because you don't love yourself..."

"Well, neither do you?"

"What do you mean?"

"You walk everywhere holding your looks as a badge of honor so someone will notice, anyone..."

"Fuck you..." I said softly.

"You don't mean it..."

"You're right. I don't. I'm going to go before I say anything else I don't really mean..."

Sometimes I miss Robert. Sometimes I hate him. Sometimes I'm indifferent. I'm just tired of crying. It hurts. Maybe I'll call Jessica tommorow and tell her that she has no choice but to meet with me and at least hear me...

"Things change.
And friends leave.
And life doesn't stop for anybody..."

I'm only human...

And sometimes I get to this point where I don't want to deal with anything or anyone. I push everyone away because I don't want them to hurt me. I put this wall up that no one can get through. I used to be cynical, sarcastic, yet deadly beautiful. Everyone loved me. Now I'm just this hurt person who doesn't want to deal with anyone because I'm tired of getting smashed to the ground everytime.

I was the queen bee, and now Alyssa is. The one thing she doesn't know is that the tiara is made of glass. When you're running with our crowd, it slips off breaking into a million pieces taking your heart with it. I don't want to be the queen bitch anymore, but I don't want to be alone either.

I saw Joey tonight. I looked at him. All I could think was who the hell is this guy, now? I don't know him. Yeah, there's a pattern. Apparently I don't know any of these men I thought I did. Anyway, He's charming, somewhat standoffish, and he's become gorgeous. Then a sad smile made its way to my face. He's what I used to be. I probably made him that way. I hugged him and walked away. I ran to my car, drove home, and broke down in tears.

There's been so much pain in my life. All I wanted my entire life was someone to fix me, someone to love me. I just wanted someone to really accept me for who I am. I just wanted to feel like I belonged somewhere. And no matter how many people were around me, I was just this lonely girl, who did drugs. I've always looked to a guy to fix me. This whole getting clean journey. First it started with Jeff, then Mr. Unmentionable, Joey, Bob, Jason, Mr. Wrong, Robert, and the list goes on. You want to know the sick truth?

I never truly cared about any of them. I lied to myself and made myself believe I did because then it made what I was doing okay. And what I was doing was looking to them to fix what is so twisted inside of me. If I got them to be mine, to really care about me, then maybe I was worth something. I would have gone to hell and back if they had said it would impress them? You want to know why I'm angry, hurt, and have put myself in isolation. None of them are hurt by me at all. They are all living their lives, without me. I'm the one who has to deal with the guilt, shame, and humiliation. And the worst part is I have no one to blame for it, but myself. I do it to myself everytime because I want to be loved. I seek the one thing that humans want and deserve, but from all the wrong places.

I've seen women behave like this my entire life. I always told myself I was never going to be like that. I was going to be strong, independent, and I wasn't going to need or depend on anyone else. I just wasn't going to be like those other women, you know?

And now sitting in this room I'm left with me, you know? I am tired of writing out ym feelings and talking about them. Everything hurts. It hurts and it's shameful when you realize you failed the aspirations of that little girl who wanted the world on the platter, and became everything you promised yourself you would never be.

I let myself down. Why am I even posting this? I suppose because this is real life. And it's not pretty and glamorous all the time. Behind the money, the expensive clothing, is a girl dying to break free. That's who I am. But, nobody knows that...

"The courage to be who I truly am, may be the hardest thing that I have ever done in life..."

I don't know him...

I saw everyone last night. Everyone from Alea to fucking Jason was there. Well, except for Mr. Wrong and Jessica. Ooh! Maybe they're secretly fucking eachother behind everyone's back. I suppose that that makes for an excellent story except that Jessica is in a newly commited relationship and simply loathes Mr. Wrong. I suppose that she better take a number and get in line.

So, I saw Robert talking with Alea, Alyssa, and Jane. I gave them hugs and he gave this serious and unreadable look, so I dismissed him. He walked over to me looking rather upset.

"Why didn't you hug me?"

"I didn't think you'd want me to," I answered honestly.

All I wanted to do at that point was run into his arms and have him pick me up. I swore to myself at that moment if he'd just look at me the way he used to or even take me in his arms I could forgive him. I could over look the fact that he had hurt me deeply. I just wanted a piece of the man I used to know back.

"You act like you don't know me anymore."

It took everything in me not to deeply scoff, looking at him as if he had lost his mind. I wanted to yell at him, that I don't know him anymore, that I never knew him to begin with. How could I? No one ever really does. He makes damn sure of that one.

"No, I don't."

We hugged. And he pretty much ignored me the entire night. I wanted to go home and cry my eyes out. I really did. I wanted Joey to show up or even Mr. Wrong. I needed to see one of them because they are my friends. He used to ignore me like that at times, but it was never like this. It never hurt me to this degree.

I think I am so hurt because I honestly and truly realize this time that we're never going to be the way that we used to be no matter what he says and no matter what I do. There's absolutely nothing I can do about it anymore. And I'm tired of hanging on for the both of us. All I needed was one word or one look that would tell me he still cared just a little bit. But, he couldn't give me that much.

I'm fighting for something that's dead. It hurts because he became the thing I wanted the most. I wanted him the most because hewas going to be for me, something just mine. And I don't care how selfish it is. I didn't care that it made no sense. Because when all is said and done, it's over.

I have to realize that even if he apologized, something he never does, would we go back? We can't. He was my friend above everything else. I always wanted him around, but was afraid he'd get loaded and leave me behind. That's funny. He didn't get loaded. But, he still left me in a way that hurts anymore. And right now, I don't know how to get past the part where he turned my back on him. I never knew Robert as the guy who would turn on me like that. And in all honesty I really don't want to.

I used to look in his eyes and see desire, fear, potential, and 100 other things. And now when I look into his eyes I see nothing. When he looks into my eyes I know that he sees he hurt me in a way he can never fix, so what is the point of trying? I think it's time for me to realize there's got to be more for me than these men I choose?

You want to know a little secret? I'll always have a place for Robert. Because, despite everything that's happened between us, I still care. I always will. I really give up this time. There's no reason to keep hanging on to someone who won't hang on to me...


"I miss who I thought you were.
I miss the friend who'd never let me down.
That’s the guy I miss.
I can't miss you...
I don't even know who you are anymore..."

It all changes...

I miss the days where he couldn’t shut me out no matter how hard he tried. I remember he would push me away. I would push back. And I would get into his head just a little bit. He was just a little bit attached to me. Why does it have to be this way, Robert? How did you find a way to permanently keep me away, to shut me out? I would still crawl over broken glass in order to be any part of his life that meant something, anything at all. I wish I could find a way in. Saturday he wouldn’t even hug me. A huge part of me tells me to completely give up, that he wasn’t mine to begin with. In what world could we have worked out? It hurts, just a little bit. Oh, who the hell am I kidding? It pretty much fucking kills me.

It was never supposed to be Robert. But he was all I had. And in that moment he reached me when no one else could. He forced me to smile when I swore I would never be able to laugh again. So, do I hate him? No, I love him (as a friend) because he saved me when no one else could… I’ll always be thankful for that, for the rest of my life…

I saw Joey yesterday. My heart stopped beating for a moment. You don’t understand. I hadn’t seen him in months. I hate to say this, but he looked really good. He sat next to me, we shared a cigarette, and then he left. He left without saying goodbye. He's never done that to me before. I was able to observe him for those moments. And in those moments I realized how much of a part of my life he used to be, how deeply he’s affected me. I miss the days when I could call him. He would drop everything he was doing just to make sure that I was alright.

Mr. Wrong would barely even look at me. I guess he went from having problems with Alyssa last weekend to practically being married to her. I don’t even know how to explain it all. I thought that no matter what has happened I would always have a hold of sorts on him. But, I don’t. I still know he cares about me. He gave me a huge hug.

I’m forced to look at my relationship with all three of these men and realize how it has effected and changed my life profoundly. They’ve all affected my life in different ways, forcing me to change. All I can say is it gets harder every day to keep that smile painted on. Eventually my face is gonna crack…



"Some of the men in my past are nothing but wounds that healed.
But, darling, you've left the scar that will never be erased."

It's the going away for awhile...

that all but kills me. I know it's not that far. I'm acting as if I am going to some lock down rehabilitation center in fucking Utah. Now that would be enough for me to do so many drugs that I would overdose and fucking kill myself. I feel sorry for anyone who has been to Utah. What the hell am I talking about? That's where my future children will go if they decide they want to try to put me through the hell I put my mother through... No costly 60 day rehabs that don't do shit for them.

I am going to some sober living about a half an hour away. It's so structured that it might as well be a lock down facility. Half an hour might as well be the end of the world when your mother has taken your car away from you permanently. Who am I kidding? If I were my mother I'd take away the car and send me away too...

So, I will be without a computer after this weekend. It sucks. Robert promised that he would come and see me when I am off my first month restriction. I love that guy. I truly do. Things are about to change so dramatically and to be quite honest I am scared to death of that change. I truly am. I'm not gonna put on this brave face and say that I'm not. I'm terrified. But, I think that's okay...

Mr. Wrong and Alyssa are officially together now. You would think that that would have me in tears or what not, but to be perfectly honest it doesn't bother me. It's awkward being around them and watching them kiss. It's hard watching him hug her the way he did with me a couple of weeks ago. It's sometimes impossible not to wonder why he chose her over me. Sometimes I wonder why he didn't do anything with me when he had the chance. Tonight things weren't so strained between us.

I could look at him and feel this sense of greatfulness towards him. He walked away from me, but he left my dignity intact. How many women can say that about Mr. Wrong? A woman never leaves him with her disgnity intact. But, I did. And for that I am truly greatful to him. I no longer hate Alyssa. Alea and her have been there for me on a daily basis since I relapsed.

I feel somewhat sorry for Alyssa. How does she look like towards other people? One minute she's with one of the greatest guys I know and the next she's with Mr. Wrong. He has nothing. He doesn't have a job or a car. He has nothing to truly offer her. She's already telling him she loves him and everything. He says it back, but I can see he doesn't truly mean it. When does he ever? Him and I hugged tonight and I was no longer angry with him.

I love Alyssa, and all I could think was better her than me. I was spared all that. I get to work on myself and get someone who is worth so much more than Mr. Wrong. Thank God, is all I can say. Either things will work out with those two or they will end so fucking badly. Either way it is none of my fucking business. Thanks God, again. I wash my hands clean of that situation. I want no part in their downfall or that drama...

Speaking of Drama. Joey showed up tonight with his lady. And there was one moment where Joey had to walk by Mr. Wrong and Alyssa to talk to Jason. Kathryn and I waited for something to happen. Joey acted as if he couldn't even see Mr. Wrong. God damn. Kathryn and I were waiting for someone to throw a punch. Nothing happened. That is not a fight I would look forward to breaking up. Everyone would see where my loyalty lies. Joey. Hands down. No questions whatsoever.

I will miss all of you terribly. I really will. This blog has become like my child. Sometimes it feels as if when nothing is going right, or at least the way I want it to, I have this. I created this blog. I've nutured it. Yeah, you'll find I'm nothing more than a huge sap, or in Robert's words, too sentimental. I'll be blogging some more before I leave at the end of this weekend.

I royally screwed up (my longest entry)

I did alot of drugs and alcohol from Last Sunday to this Sunday. On Tuesday one of my ex sponsor’s best friend dragged me to a meeting. I thought I was done. Kathryn and Jasmine had picked me up and dragged me to a meeting Wednesday and sat there with me as I admitted to the group that I had messed up really badly.

Last Thursday I saw Mr. Wrong, but he didn't see me. For once my first thought wasn’t about how handsome he was or how he turned me on. My first thought was how I couldn’t believe how much he had hurt me and how I had put myself in a position to let it all happen.

You know what hurts the most? He said he had all of those feelings for me and that he meant them at least at the time. It hurts because he’s now all but with Alyssa. He may just be dating her to get what he wants from her, but it kills me from the inside out. It looks like I never could have won to begin with. I began crying as I walked away, making sure he couldn't see me.

Jessica had called me three times. I didn’t want to talk to her, especially since I was loaded. But, she kept calling and texting me off the hook. She was worried about me. I finally called her back on Friday.

“I love you, honey…”

“I don’t love myself right now,” I said as I felt a few tears run down my cheeks.

“Let’s get you to a meeting tonight, okay sweetie?” she gently asked me.

“I can’t go to a meeting like this…”

“Yes you can… They all know you got loaded, anyway. Shit like that doesn’t remain a secret. Right now this is about helping you save your life.” she said even more gently.

“Alright, come get me,” I said as I looked for something to wear.

We got to the meeting and Jessica helped me out of the car. I turned on the lights for the meeting and then went outside to smoke. I really needed a cigarette to get through this night. Jessica put an arm around me and stroked my back. I saw the love, sympathy, as well as fear in her eyes…

As if things could get worse Alyssa and Mr. Wrong came. From the corner of my eye I couldn’t tell if they had been holding hands or not. Mr. Wrong approached me and even though he tried to hide it I could tell he was relieved to see me at a meeting. Something happened that made me stop hating Alyssa forever.

She saw me and I saw how sad she looked. We stepped off to the side, away from everyone else. She pulled me into a tight hug, but I could barely hang on because I was really weak.

“Hey, mama, what’s cracking,” asked Robert as he approached me later that night. I watched a look of concern come across his face.

“Are you still sick,” he asked as he felt my forehead.

“No, Robert. I got loaded,” I said waiting for him to hate me, knowing I couldn’t stand it if he ever did.

“It happens, you know,” he said shrugging his shoulders.

When I went back inside I was not feeling well. Jessica came and brought me some water. I drank it down quickly. I went to the bathroom and sank to my knees. And then I began heaving into the toilet. I had forgotten to shut the stall. I looked up and there stood Jane looking as if she was going to cry. Before I left Jason gave me a huge hug.

It’s funny how I was so worried about Joey, Alyssa, and Robert getting loaded. But, out of all those people I was the only one who got loaded. I mean I hated Alyssa because I was prettier and she always got what I wanted. If I’m to be honest she has a better personality then me. She’s a lot nicer. I’m a little rough around the edges.

The next day I saw Joey at a meeting and he approached me, all concerned.

“This is so embarrassing,” I stated refusing to look anywhere but at him.

“You can do it again, just do whatever your sponsor says,” said Joey reaching his hand out to me. I took it and he helped me stand up, since the meeting was having a break.

I laid back on the sand and listened to him share once the meeting resumed. When he talked about his new girlfriend I had to sit up to make sure I wasn’t dreaming. I’m not just letting go of Mr. Wrong. I’m also letting Joey go. I have never been so proud of Joey then I was in that moment. I realized at that point, also, I feel honored to say he’s been in my life. I gave him a hug goodbye and a kiss on the cheek.

“My life has been dramatic since I met you...” I had to cut him off before he could say anything else.

“Thank you Joey, for everything you’ve done for me. You were one of my first friends when I got clean. Before you came into my life there had never been a guy who would never let me down,” I stated as I started bawling all over again.

“You’re not done getting loaded, are you,” he asked sadly.

I shook my head. I wanted to stay around Joey for a little bit longer, but I walked away. And I didn’t look back. I began crying once more hysterically. I had to mourn the loss of the man I was once madly in love with. I’ve denied it forever.

And as I cried over Joey I realized I was completely over Mr. Wrong because he would never measure up to Joey in one hundred years. He is incapable of being the man Joey is. And then I wiped my tears and wanted to get drunk.

I called my friend Jewel. We got wasted when one of her boy toys. Then we ditched him and went to the ghetto part of L.A to go get drugs. The night/morning ened with me fucked up on meth and doing lines of cocaine in her car. When I came down I called my mother crying and she came and got me. Then I called my sponsor crying hysterically. My, god, I’m ashamed… One day at a time, I suppose...

I never thought I'd have to say this...

But, I'm on the edge of a nervous breakdown. I don't want to sound so weak but that's just where I'm at. Everything is getting to me in every way possible. I wish with all of my heart I could call Joey and beg him to save me from myself, but at this point he is nowhere to be found.

He changed all of his numbers so that no one can reach him. I heard he shaved off all of his hair. I haven't seen him in over a week. Obviously he's not doing so well I'm so worried about him.

Alyssa can fuck Mr. Wrong. I'll get over that. Besides, at this point, she can have him. But, if Joey does drugs again because of her a side of me most people don't know will come out. I will go after her with avengence and no one will be able to stop me. No one wants to be on my bad side when that happens.

Most of the time I am the true deffinition of a lady. I dress nicely, I have perfect posture, and have impecable manners. But, when you screw with one of the pieces of my heart all my mannerisms fade away and I'm coming after you. Joey and I have a rocky relationship half the time but he's one of the pieces of my heart.

Yesterday was just one of those days that changes everything and you don't know who you are anymore. You don't know what you think or what's truly going on. All you want to do at the end of the day is run away from everything you know...

Robert called me and asked if I wanted to come by the shop he works at and hang out for awhile. I knew Mr. Wrong wouldn't be there, so I didn't see the harm in the situation. I went there and he greeted me by picking me up and giving me the hugest hug. I smiled against him and knew the feelings weren't gone at all.

We went and got some sandwiches. We were sitting in his car yelling at eachother back and forth as usual about how many rights women should have. Then he gave me a lazy smile before looking serious...

"My way of thinking may be fucked up, but at least I always take care of you. I'm making sure your getting fed..."

I couldn't say much because it was true. I just nodded my head as we pulled back into the shop's parking lot. Then I looked inside and there was Mr. Wrong. I shook my head. He walks over to the car and asks us if we have cigarettes. We both shake our heads no. I asked him what was going on and he said nothing. Then he walked away from me. Later we were all smoking and he gave me this small hug and all but ignored me.

I could do this as long as Robert didn't leave my side. Then the worst happened. Alea called and wanted him to go get food with him. I sighed. Unlike Mr. Wrong Robert always knows when something is wrong with me.

"Don't worry. I'm not cheating on you."

"We're not together..."

"You're learning fast, princess..."

I rolled my eyes and went to get cigarettes. When I came back Mr. Wrong was gone and Robert had come back. Things were different for some reason. We were outside and I was so tired. My car was in the shop. So I asked if he could take me home. He wasn't supposed to leave the shop, but I gave him one of my looks and he caved in...

"Do you trust me," he asked as we were near my house.

"I trust you to get me home in one piece... But, do I trust you? Absolutely not. Do you trust me?"

"No," he answered with a smile.

I knew in that moment that was the most he had ever let his guard down. I also knew as of then, he wasn't so scared of me as he used to. We pulled up to my house.

"Will you smoke one last cigarette with me?" I asked.

He smiled that smile once more and nodded his head as he took out a cigarette. That smile never left his face. I felt my heart stop all over again. We were not done, and I knew it was only gonna get worse from here.

"So you don't trust me?"

"Robert, I don't trust anyone..."

"You're smart," he replied still giving me that heart stopping smile.

"No man, no cry," I sufficed.

"Yes..."

"I've made a few deductions about you," I informed.

"Let's hear it..."

I told him my theory about him about not wanting to be vulnerable. I then told him that I knew I'm special to him and that he's afraid to get burned by people because they leave. He told me I'm more special to him then I could ever know. Then he told me that he's not afraid of getting burned by people, but he is afraid of them leaving. I gave him a huge hug before I left.

"Bye, beautiful..."

When I got in the house I fell apart and began crying my eyes out. I wasn't sure that I would ever be able to stop. Even if Mr. Wrong did want to be with me I just couldn't do it. I care about Robert so much that sometimes it hurts me from the inside out. Mr. Wrong has probably gotten over me, but I still have feelings for him. But, Robert... I'm more sexually attracted to Mr. Wrong then Robert. But, I've formed this emotional attachment to Robert that won't go away no matter what I say or do.

He's decided not to get attached to me, but it's there. I see it in his eyes. He'll do anything for me. I think he's slowly falling in love with me. And when push comes to shove I'd do anything in this world for him except give up this deadly addiction I have towards his brother... God, help me... I'm in love with them both...

I've made a decision...

And I'm sticking to it. I've decided to take my sponsor's direction and go on a 60 day man restriction. Jasmine's sister talked to Mr. Wrong on Monday. He told her that he wasn't lieing if he told any girl he liked her. He just didn't want to hurt her, because all he wanted was to get laid. Him and I talked last night. He said he meant everything he said to me on Friday, but that he's not in any place to be in a relationship. He has nothing to offer anyone at this point. We both agreed on all of this.

I ofcourse had to hurt myself a step further and ask how he felt about Alyssa. He said he didn't know, but that he wasn't fucking her yet. I think he wants to, though. I found out she left Joey for him, so she could fuck around with him. What a whore. He said it bothers him that she flirts with alot of guys. I asked him if he'd ever want to be with her when he was ready to be in a relationship. He once again didn't know. Then I asked him if one day he'd want to be with me. Mr. Wrong told me he didn't know. It felt like a knife going through my heart because I realize the extent of how powerless I am over this situation.

I am just worried that Alyssa will wedge her way into this no matter what I say or do at this point. But, I realize he probably will fuck her and I am powerless over that too. I doubt he'll have a meaningful relationship with her. And if he does it won't last as long as it did with Joey. I jut have to let go right now and realize if it's meant to be it will happen and if it isn't it won't... It sucks like that... But, that's life on life's terms for you...

Bring on the pain...

There's nothing left to do or say at this point. I called Jessica last night. She confirmed everything Jasmine had told me. I got off the phone with her and broke down in tears no matter how much I told myself that I wasn't going to. Lila had to come and get me I was so hysterical. Somebody make this go away. There's something going on between Mr. Wrong and Alyssa. She's not with Joey anymore. My heart feels like it is shattered. I don't mean anything to him. He didn't mean any of those things he said to me. I feel so stupid for crying. But, I can't help it. I have to hold tight and know that one day all of this will make sense, even though I don't understand any of it at this point... At this point I am just crushed and completely devestated... It's going to take awhile for me to get over this one, if I ever do...

I'm so twisted up...

from the inside out. I don't know what to do, who to believe, or what the fuck is going on anymore. I really don't. I want to believe that Mr. Wrong meant all of those wonderful things that he said to me on Friday, but right now I just don't know. I thought things were going to be better between us, that things were about to change dramatically. Well, they're deffinitely about to change dramatically either way is all I can say at this point...

First off Mr. Wrong didn't call me all day yesterday. I was fine with that. Whatever. Now that I knew how he felt I didn't need to hear from him. I had the assurance that he cared about me. I got all dressed up tonight, thinking I would see him. He wasn't there. I texted him. He responded asking me what was up? Then I called him. His phone was off. I tried one more time. I got his voicemail. By the way, he still hasn't called me back... Then when the meeting had a break Jasmine came and talked to me...

"You need to stay away from the twins. He is just like Robert..."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"Alyssa and Mr. Wrong were all over eachother last night, hugging and kissing..."

"What the fuck?"

"Well, they weren't kissing, but you know what I mean..."

"I don't want to hear any more of this..."

"You can't be upset. He's not your man..."

I walked away feeling completely crushed. That's still how I feel. I feel as if I don't know anything anymore. Why would he do this? At least try and get me into bed again first. What the fuck? Alyssa is with Joey... I thought he gave a shit for real about me... And the fact that he hasn't called me back completely crushes my soul. I don't know if he's going to call me back, and if he does what am I going to say? When I see him what will I do or say? God, I need help...

I think Jessica was right...

All I am doing is setting myself up for a fall that I am not ready or even willing to take. It's hard to know when you should let go or try harder. Well, I think I'm at the point where I know that I need to let go. But, at the same time I want to try harder because he's what I want for now...

So, I was talking with Kathryn at the meeting when Mr. Wrong approached us. He gave her a hug since he hadn't seen her in forever. Then Alea pulled up with Jane and Alyssa. He gives Alyssa the type of hug that he gave me the other day. I was simply spewing. He wouldn't hug me like that but he would with her? I thought he wasn't acting that way because his mother was around. Apparently that wasn't the case at all.

I realize why I can't stand Alyssa so much. It's not the fact that she irritates me to such a degree. Trust me. She does. It's the fact that every guy I ever like she gets her hooks into him. She deffinitely did it with Joey. Alyssa got him to be her boyfriend. And Jason did whatever she told him to. And now Mr. Wrong... It seems like he is falling for the same thing...

"If you're ever going to be hid girl you have to get used to him talking to other girls. He's a fine looking guy..."

"I know. And I wouldn't care if I was with him. It wouldn't bother me at all, but I'm not. And I don't think that I ever will be..."

She told me I have to mind fuck myself and make myself believe that I don't care, that it's not that he might not want me, but that I haven't decided if he's what I want, if he's good enough.

Later her and I were talking again. She told me she was going to discuss all of this with Mr. Wrong. I don't know why I went back inside and let her talk to him. She told him that I had feelings for him and that if he broke my heart that she would beat him up. He told her that he wouldn't. I don't know what that means now. Is he going to avoid me? What will happen?

"Be patient with him. He has high morals, high standards. I yelled at him about getting involved with Alyssa. I told him about how he and Joey did time together, and that he better not get with her. He'll leave her alone. Be his friend. He just got out of rehab. He needs a friend more than anything else..."

Now I just feel stuck. I don't know how to be his friend without asking him to hang out, or sounding just stupid. If I'm still gonna have anything to do with him I don't know how to stop the flirting. And if I can't do that my only choice is to get up and walk away from the situation. At that point if it's meant to be it'll happen. If it's not then it won't... Or maybe I'll just walk away to see if he'll try to stop me, and if he doesn't then fuck him...

I couldn't even talk to Robert that much tonight. It would have been too weird to flirt with Robert tonight. His baby's mama and his baby was there. Yeah, even I'm not that scandalous. I wouldn't put it past Alyssa, though. I fucking hate that bitch. I really do. I may deserve better than Joey, but Joey deserves better than Alyssa. I used to think him and Jessica should hook up...

He called me...

I was on the phone with Jessica earlier. I was so upset that he wasn't at the meeting. She was telling me to let him go, that I was inviting hell into my life that I was setting me up for a fall. I might be. But, incase you couldn't tell, that's not stopping any of this from happening...

She told me that he had gone to the other Wednesday meeting. That's the meeting almost everyone goes to except for Joey and I. Let's see. Jason goes with Jane. Alyssa goes with whoever will take her. Alea sometimes goes with Evan, who is her on and off again fuck buddy. I don't think I wrote about that one yet. My point is that all the girls I pretty much hate go to that meeting except for Jessica.

As she was telling me how good he looked and how well he seems to be doing I had all these images of Mr. Wrong being another guy these girls took from me. They took Joey and Jason... And the last thing I want is to lose Mr. Wrong to these rediculess girls...

After her and I hung up the phone I had all these images in my mind of them sucking him in and that my supposed hold on him would completely disappear. I could just imagine seeing him around them all the time and it would be as if I no longer existed. I imagined him being afraid to show such open affection towards me as he did Tuesday night. That thought made me so sad...

Anyway, I checked my voicemail and he had called me. The hugest smile made its way to my face. All thoughts of him forgetting about me disappeared as I heard him apologize for not showing up to the meeting. Then he said that he would call me back tomorrow...

I had to call him back, naturally. We had one of our normal conversations. By normal conversation I mean hidden sexual innuendos, arguing, insulting each other, which is always followed by us hysterically laughing. It sounds all so normal, right?

Nothing's changed between us. If anything when I see him tomorrow he'll be more affectionate than ever, at least it’s what I am hoping for. I am going to milk it for all its worth.

I just have to work on being a little bit nicer to Mr. Wrong. The physical attraction is definitely there. But, if I want him to like me more than that I have to work on a couple of things. I can’t wait until tomorrow…

A piece about addiction...

I want to go see Mr. Wrong so badly next Friday, but I've resolved to stay completely away from him until he comes home. I refuse to see him. It's just not a good idea. Besides, I am more than sure that Esther will play the dutiful ex- girlfriend and go visit him. If he wants to, he can call me when he gets home. Hmm, let me rephrase that. He had better call me when he gets home. But, it's not supposed to be this hard to stay away...

One here is the only time that I am ever completely honest. I think that I have co dependency issues as does Mr. Wrong. I want what I can't have, or at least shouldn't have. And if that's not enough I know that I am seeking validation from both Robert and Mr. Wrong because I don't know how to give it to myself.

I never had to deal with all these god damn feelings before. It still feels so new to me. Sometimes life seems as if it was easier when I was still getting loaded. My life, in all honesty, was about getting dope at all cost. There was no such thing as a consequence too high to pay.

I come from a family that doesn't have drug addicts as children. It just doesn't happen. I was a spoiled bitch who was used to always getting her way. I went to private schools my entire life for Christ's sake. Before I fucked everything up everyone said I was bound for the top UC schools.

I suppose that my point that I am making is that the disease of addiction doesn't give a fuck who the hell you are or where the fuck you come from. It just doesn't. Once it gets its claws inside of you it owns you for life. It doesn't matter if you are still using or not.

I heard someone at a speaker meeting once say that if you want to get loaded you better not leave the room without telling someone how you feel. And if you choose to use again you better pray to god you’re not an addict. Those words have stuck with me throughout this year of being clean...

I don't usually write all that much about my addiction on here. I started this blog because I was so angry with Joey for choosing Alyssa over me. I was so furious with him that I hardly knew what to do with myself. So, I started writing on this. And, somehow, slowly, this blog is sort of taking on a life of its own... You never know what may be written on here... You never do...

The Silent Period...

I haven't heard from Mr.Wrong since I saw him. I want to talk to him so badly, god damn it. It's almost to the point where it is painful. He has this way of always making me smile. I didn't realize how much I missed the way he used to make me smile. I haven't seen him in five days. And it feels as if its been a lifetime. I want to see him more than words can stay. Rashelle had to help me do be positive afirmations today where Mr. Wrong is concerned.

Rashelle helped me realized that Mr. Wrong will never be able to do better than me. I am beautiful and he knows it. She told me that I have to go into this as if I am going to get exactly what I want from him, and act as if he's crazy to not want me on that level. Besides, Mr. Wrong is the only one who can stop this thing that is beginning to happen with Robert. I think it's beginning to go further than I ever intended it to go.

I wanted a flirtatous relationship with Robert from the beginning. He reminded me of his brother. I also wanted to use him to make Mr. Wrong jealous, if possible. I never meant to have real feelings for him. I never meant for him to be someone in my life that I would miss beyond words if they were no longer around.

I realize Joey and I have come to a place where we can completely become true friends again. I no longer resent him at all anymore. That makes me so happy. We were wrestling tonight when Robert pulled up. Robert gave me a small hug and then went to go with Jasmine's sister to go pick her up. I felt so sad that he barely acknowledged me. If I'm to be honest, I felt this sense of devestation over take me.

When he came back some new guy tried to hug me and I was not having it. If I don't feel safe around you, if you are not in my circle per ce I don't give you a real hug. That's just how it is. Robert was looking at me strangely, surprised that I was barely hugging him. So, then, I walked over to Robert and gave him a strong hug. He had a huge smile on his face. I felt as if the balance had been restored once more.

I walked with Robert to his car. I wanted to give Allen a hug. He may be a loser, but sadly he is in my circle. Plus, he got himself a girlfriend. What an accomplishment, I must say! Who is this girl? I'm putting my money on the fact that she was recently released from the mental hospital or prison.

"Bye, Robert..."

He gave me a longer hug. I began walking him back, attempting to trip him and he wouldn't let me. I lightly growled. He then started laughing as I tried harder. I was so frusterated. This was almost worse than my sparring match with Joey earlier. He then picked me up and I squealed.

"Stop that, Robert..."

"You love it."

"Says who?"

"I do."

Then we shared one of our smiles. He then shook his head. That's what he always does when he feels as if he's letting down his guard around me. But, it's less and less these days, I've noticed. That makes me happy.

"You better leave before I kidnap you..."

"Oh, really, Robert?"

"Then again you might like that..."

I had a flashback of a conversation I had had with Mr. Wrong once last summer. We had been talking about hurting eachother, and how painful sex was always the very best. I told him that I was going to beat him up. He grinned at me. And then I told him that he might like it. He smiled at me and told me that he would. Oh, god help me. I'm head over heels for the both of them. Why can't they be the same person?

I know that I should just let go...

But, I don’t want to. I’ve talked to so many people today about Mr. Wrong and Robert. People have all told me all kinds of different things. It seems as if all I can do today is talk about them, blog about them, oh and when I smoke I’m even thinking about them. What the hell is wrong with me?

I shouldn’t torture myself to this extent with thoughts of them. Why do I do this to myself? I could do so much better than either one of them. I really could. I could have done better than Joey too. Did I ever tell you that Joey and Mr. Wrong were in jail together at one point in time? I probably did, but even if I didn’t I wanted to write it again. Most of the men in my life have one thing in common. They are all losers that I care about way too much for my own good.

What it comes down to is he has two months clean. He doesn’t know what he wants. Robert has how many more days? Maybe 15? I don’t know. All I know is neither one of them are going to want a relationship with anyone right now. I’m sure I could get laid out of this, but if I’m to stop lying to myself, I want so much more than sex…

Sex is the easiest thing in the world to get, it really is. But, then again, being rather attractive has never let me down on that level. I’m going to get somewhat personal here, but it’s hard for me to have an orgasm. The guy really has to know what the fuck he is doing. It’s so sad that most men these days just don’t…

I finally got honest with my sponsor and told her that I saw Mr. Wrong. She was less than thrilled to put it nicely. Well, okay, I didn’t tell her I saw Mr. Wrong. I told her I was interested in someone in rehab and that he had about two months clean? I’m apparently on man restriction. I don’t know how to do that. I’ve never done it before.

It probably would be the best idea to stay away from Mr. Wrong and Robert for two months. In fact it sounds like the best one I have heard in forever. I’m just afraid that if I don’t see him then he’ll choose someone else. And just the thought of that happening almost kills me…

So, it's not Just Me

I thought I was the only one out of our group of friends who didn’t just adore Alyssa. I can’t believe that I just wrote about someone adoring Alyssa. The very thought of it is enough to make me want to kill myself. It truly is. I hate to say it, but almost everyone loves her. Except Jasmine. She hates Alyssa for two reasons.

Jasmine cannot stand the heinous things that she continues to pull all for the sake of being in the spot like. Really, all you have to do is stop putting on as much make up as Mimi does (Drew Carey). And Alyssa, it wouldn’t kill you to lose a couple of pounds. Oh, what am I saying? She needs to lose a lot more than a couple of pounds, for God’s sake. Who the fuck am I trying to fool?

Jasmine can’t stand the fact that Alyssa is with Joey. Apparently no one can. You would think all of us girls were fighting over Brad Pitt the way we carry on about him. I’m sorry to say that he is nothing more than an average American male. If only I could say that. The average American male probably deserves our attention more than Joey does.

I thought that it was all about the outward appearance these days. But, no of course that’s not how it is at all. It seems as if we are putting all those skills we learned from Sunday school as children into effect. Now we are looking within someone’s soul for who they truly are or something equally as rediculess. That’s probably not true. But, it’s the only explanation that I can come up with why all of us seem to lose it over this guy. He’s not even all that attractive, for God’s sake.

It’s simply embarrassing to say that I was so deeply attracted and attached to him at one point in time. God, what was I thinking exactly? I possibly wasn’t. Or, like my earlier theory, I was looking within his soul. That causes me to slightly laugh. Oh, what is becoming of me?

Apparently when Joey and Alyssa split I wasn’t the only one he was trying so hard to talk to. Apparently he wanted to be with Jasmine right before he was with Alyssa. This all happened right before he ended things with me, not that we were together at any given point.

He has feelings for me again...

Does Joey want a metal for realizing what everyone including his girlfriend already knew? He called me this morning to inform me of this nauseating information. If I wasn't so upset with him I would have had no choice but to show him pity, a sense of kindness not easily rendered from me.

"You had your chance with me. I believe that you blew it in every single way possible..."

"I know that. But, it doesn't make the feelings go away."

I sighed, somewhat annoyed. It was seven in the morning for Christ's sake. He woke me up for this particular reason. I thought it would be something important and dramatic. I don't know. Maybe Jane finally found out that Jason was cheating on her and she had killed him. But, no such luck. Or I would have even been satisfied with the fact that Alyssa had done the world a favor and killed herself.

"I don't have feelings for you anymore. You let me down by not standing up for me. I had faith that you would. You've never disappointed me to this degree before. I will always love you as a friend. I'm beginning to see that I have no choice in that matter. I still think you are a coward, though..."

"I can't really blame you for feeling that way."

"I deserve so much more than you. I really do. Goodbye..."

I hung up the phone with him. And for the first time in months I felt this sense of relief. I finally had the chance to tell him at least half of the things I wanted to say. I feel like I can finally move on from him and not resent him so harshly.

Resenting him is really the last thing I want to do. It doesn't help me. It doesn't really do anything for anyone, if you know what I mean. Besides, I can't seem to get Mr. Wrong out of my head lately...

How one would analyze Joey

It's quite simple really when all is said and done. He believes he's in love with Alyssa because that's what he needs to. He stays with her because she's easy. If he stopped lying to himself and admitted that he didn't love her he would have to admit that that he's just using her for sex. That's the last thing that he wants to admit. And he talks to me when he knows I've absolutely had it with him because he doesn't want to lose me. He also knows that now he'll never have me. That probably kills him. He probably knows that he should have had me when he could have.

He admitted to me the other day that the only reason why he didn't help me out that day was because he was so worried about what Alyssa would think, what she would say. He actually had the gall to ask me if I understood.

"The only thing that I can possibly understand is that you're a coward."

"You don't understand..."

"Joey, at this point I don't believe I care to."

"I'm in love. You would understand if you were as well..."
I sighed deeply before hanging up on him. There was no point in continuing this conversation. There was something else I did understand that I didn't bother to share with him. He's still a boy trying so desperately to be a man.

I won't fault him for trying so hard to change. I can't. I do feel a sense of pity or sympathy for him. How could I feel that way towards him after everything that the two of us have been through? I'm only human. Even I have my weak spots...

On a personal note...

I realized I'm still really screwed up in the head. This whole year has honestly been about trying to change, trying to leave behind the person I was. I've said this once. I'll say it again. I used to do alot of drugs. I used to drink. Every teenager does, I suppose. But, not every teenager gets as out of control as I did. I've now been clean for a year. And, I realize I want that instant gratification.

I want to people to see how much I've changed, that I'm different now. But, more than anything I want my mother and I to have the relationship back that we did. It's not happening fast enough for me. I'm afraid we'll never being close again and to be honest it makes me want to break down and cry. To be honest just a step further I did break down and cry, all through today. I didn't even want to talk to her today... Fuck that I didn't want to talk to anyone. I went as far as to shut off my phone. I see that it's true what I heard someone once say to me...

"Wounds heal, but scars are forever..."

How did Alea being a fucking bitch and Joey a coward bring me to this realization? I'm not sure. Alea called Lea a whore last night, but I didn't find out about it until this morning. If it had been just that I would have let it go. But, I have been dealing with shit from Alea, Alyssa, and Jane for months. It's gotten to the point where enough is enough. I'm so sick of them acting like they love me to death and then fucking with me like this. It's fucking pathetic.

Alea didn't call Lea a whore because she really thought that. Ofcourse she didn't. She called her such a name because she wanted to get to me. If you have something to say to me come to my face and fucking say it or shut the hell up about it. But, don't you dare even think about hurting one of my Best friends to achieve it. She said alot of other fucked up shit about Lea that I don't even want to get into...

Joey, Joey, Joey... He was supposed to help me out with something yesterday. At the last moment he backed out because he was so worried about what Alyssa would say. There's nothing in this world I hate more than being vulnerable. But, I am just going to come out and say it. He really, really, hurt me, by not standing up for me... I thought he would, but he didn't. I'm dissapointed in him...

It's a new year...

Happy New Years everyone... I hope you had an amazing new years eve. I sure as hell know that I did. I was so upset with my adoptive mother about so many things that I didn't think that I would go out and do anything at all. How silly does that sound. It was New Year's Eve for Christ's sake. Am I the only person who notices how we make a bigger deal over the eve of New Years, than the day itself? Anyway, so I went to this New year's Eve party my friend Shayla was hosting. Almost everyone I know was there. Well, everyone but Jason, that is. Jane did seem somewhat upset. I wonder if there's already trouble in paradise? Well, one can only hope...

It was a really good party. I am going to give you the short version because I am really tired. Joey got in trouble with Alyssa because he said I looked pretty. She was shooting me daggers all night. Jane looked uncomfortable. Alea was being overly nice. Whatever. Jasmine was there and we were dancing. Sid got it all on camera. Who cares? He hates me all of a sudden or something. I suppose it's Alyssa's doing. She makes everyone feel so sorry for her too much of the time. It makes me nautious. What the hell are we to feel sorry about?

It's not my fault that she's fat and white trash. I can't possibly be held responsible for that. I suppose she hates me for being gorgeous. Once again, that's no fault of mine. She can kindly blame that one on my genetics. I don't know. I am getting so tired of her and the shit she continually pulls. She's so boring and everyone loves her. In my opinion she's about as fascinating as going to the zoo... Yawn... Boring... This quote is so her...






I'll finish the story later. Alyssa is actually calling me. I should answer and see what the hell she wants...