Once more...

I'm leaving. For rehab. I wonder what will be said about me when I'm gone. Probably absolutely everything and anything. So, let's see, what's going on for the minute before Rashelle comes to takes me to rehab...

Jessica came around as she always does in the end. What can I say? we seem to be stuck together as friends on some level. Anyway, lately she knows what's going on with everyone...

Jane came to Jessica's in tears. Apparently Jason said that he had things going on and that he couldn't see her right now. We all know what that means. He wants to fuck other girls, right? Obviously...

Anyway, she's been hanging out with Matthew pretty much everyday. Matthew been creating quite the stir lately. Everytime Mr. Wrong isn't around she is all over him. I saw that when I was in sober living a couple months ago. When I saw them I even asked her if her and Mr. Wrong ago. As Matthew grabs her ass she tells me that her and Mr. Wrong are doing really well. Unbelievable...

Jessica can't believe Alyssa turned out to be such a whore and Alyssa can't believe that I don't like her. What is wrong with everyone? It took both of them that long to figure out both things? My god...

Goodbye, my loves. You'll get an entry in about a month or two. It time to leave and truly take care of myself. Everything will be alright...

The gossip...

Since that was the original intention of this blog. Let's see what is going on in the world I live in...

I saw the girl Robert chose after things didn't work out with his child's mother. She couldn't believe that he had baby mama drama. I really wanted to ask her how she couldn't know that? How stupid can one person really get?

Alyssa didn't invite me to her party last weekend. That's shocking. I think she's still somewhat upset over the fact that I slept with Mr. Wrong last summer. Whatever. Speaking of Mr. Wrong...

I saw Mr. Wrong tonight and he looked at me with those eyes. Yeah, I'm throughly convinced that those eyes will draw me into him until the day I die, or at least until I no longer know him. Sometimes he gives me a look and I think he wishes that he had chose differently. Fuck, if I were with Alyssa, I'd wish I had chosen the girl working the corner...

Amos came out of the closet. Such a pity. I really wanted to have him for a night or so. It could have been fun. He told me even if he primarily wants men, he'd make an exception for me. Gee, how did I ever get so lucky?

Jasmine's in rehab. I do miss her quite a bit. She always was the younger version of me.

Jason hasn't been around lately. There is a rumor around that he's dealing crack. Interesting. But, not likely.

I haven't heard shit about Robert. There's probably not much to say there. Will he choose this new girl on the scene or his baby's mama? The soap opera will one day unfold. Sooner than later, I expect.

Alea is still pining for the one in jail. Boring. No one knows what's going on with Jane, really. They tel me she's doing well. Even more boring. They tell me how happy Alyssa is, well except she's unhappy with me. Do you think I care? Not a chance in hell?

Haven't heard a thing about Mr. X in forever. I think he's now in the Marines. No one cares about Mr. Unmentionable really. He became boring as well as useless after he settled down with his trailer trash. Someone get in a fight or cheat on your significant other, please. I need more gossip. Well, there are two bits I won't leave out...

The first one is that for some reason (from what I hear) Alyssa is worried that Mr. Wrong is cheating on her or will sleep with me again. He did give me that smile tonight. But, whatever. I doubt I would ever go there with him again. I'm not saying it would never happen... But, you know what they say... Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me...

Jeff and I are on speaking terms once more. We've been texting and talking alot more than we probably should. Oh, well, what can I say? In case you could not tell, I have difficulty allowing the past to be the past. We'll see what happens. One thing I can say, this summer should be interesting...

I'm only human...

And sometimes I get to this point where I don't want to deal with anything or anyone. I push everyone away because I don't want them to hurt me. I put this wall up that no one can get through. I used to be cynical, sarcastic, yet deadly beautiful. Everyone loved me. Now I'm just this hurt person who doesn't want to deal with anyone because I'm tired of getting smashed to the ground everytime.

I was the queen bee, and now Alyssa is. The one thing she doesn't know is that the tiara is made of glass. When you're running with our crowd, it slips off breaking into a million pieces taking your heart with it. I don't want to be the queen bitch anymore, but I don't want to be alone either.

I saw Joey tonight. I looked at him. All I could think was who the hell is this guy, now? I don't know him. Yeah, there's a pattern. Apparently I don't know any of these men I thought I did. Anyway, He's charming, somewhat standoffish, and he's become gorgeous. Then a sad smile made its way to my face. He's what I used to be. I probably made him that way. I hugged him and walked away. I ran to my car, drove home, and broke down in tears.

There's been so much pain in my life. All I wanted my entire life was someone to fix me, someone to love me. I just wanted someone to really accept me for who I am. I just wanted to feel like I belonged somewhere. And no matter how many people were around me, I was just this lonely girl, who did drugs. I've always looked to a guy to fix me. This whole getting clean journey. First it started with Jeff, then Mr. Unmentionable, Joey, Bob, Jason, Mr. Wrong, Robert, and the list goes on. You want to know the sick truth?

I never truly cared about any of them. I lied to myself and made myself believe I did because then it made what I was doing okay. And what I was doing was looking to them to fix what is so twisted inside of me. If I got them to be mine, to really care about me, then maybe I was worth something. I would have gone to hell and back if they had said it would impress them? You want to know why I'm angry, hurt, and have put myself in isolation. None of them are hurt by me at all. They are all living their lives, without me. I'm the one who has to deal with the guilt, shame, and humiliation. And the worst part is I have no one to blame for it, but myself. I do it to myself everytime because I want to be loved. I seek the one thing that humans want and deserve, but from all the wrong places.

I've seen women behave like this my entire life. I always told myself I was never going to be like that. I was going to be strong, independent, and I wasn't going to need or depend on anyone else. I just wasn't going to be like those other women, you know?

And now sitting in this room I'm left with me, you know? I am tired of writing out ym feelings and talking about them. Everything hurts. It hurts and it's shameful when you realize you failed the aspirations of that little girl who wanted the world on the platter, and became everything you promised yourself you would never be.

I let myself down. Why am I even posting this? I suppose because this is real life. And it's not pretty and glamorous all the time. Behind the money, the expensive clothing, is a girl dying to break free. That's who I am. But, nobody knows that...

"The courage to be who I truly am, may be the hardest thing that I have ever done in life..."

I don't know him...

I saw everyone last night. Everyone from Alea to fucking Jason was there. Well, except for Mr. Wrong and Jessica. Ooh! Maybe they're secretly fucking eachother behind everyone's back. I suppose that that makes for an excellent story except that Jessica is in a newly commited relationship and simply loathes Mr. Wrong. I suppose that she better take a number and get in line.

So, I saw Robert talking with Alea, Alyssa, and Jane. I gave them hugs and he gave this serious and unreadable look, so I dismissed him. He walked over to me looking rather upset.

"Why didn't you hug me?"

"I didn't think you'd want me to," I answered honestly.

All I wanted to do at that point was run into his arms and have him pick me up. I swore to myself at that moment if he'd just look at me the way he used to or even take me in his arms I could forgive him. I could over look the fact that he had hurt me deeply. I just wanted a piece of the man I used to know back.

"You act like you don't know me anymore."

It took everything in me not to deeply scoff, looking at him as if he had lost his mind. I wanted to yell at him, that I don't know him anymore, that I never knew him to begin with. How could I? No one ever really does. He makes damn sure of that one.

"No, I don't."

We hugged. And he pretty much ignored me the entire night. I wanted to go home and cry my eyes out. I really did. I wanted Joey to show up or even Mr. Wrong. I needed to see one of them because they are my friends. He used to ignore me like that at times, but it was never like this. It never hurt me to this degree.

I think I am so hurt because I honestly and truly realize this time that we're never going to be the way that we used to be no matter what he says and no matter what I do. There's absolutely nothing I can do about it anymore. And I'm tired of hanging on for the both of us. All I needed was one word or one look that would tell me he still cared just a little bit. But, he couldn't give me that much.

I'm fighting for something that's dead. It hurts because he became the thing I wanted the most. I wanted him the most because hewas going to be for me, something just mine. And I don't care how selfish it is. I didn't care that it made no sense. Because when all is said and done, it's over.

I have to realize that even if he apologized, something he never does, would we go back? We can't. He was my friend above everything else. I always wanted him around, but was afraid he'd get loaded and leave me behind. That's funny. He didn't get loaded. But, he still left me in a way that hurts anymore. And right now, I don't know how to get past the part where he turned my back on him. I never knew Robert as the guy who would turn on me like that. And in all honesty I really don't want to.

I used to look in his eyes and see desire, fear, potential, and 100 other things. And now when I look into his eyes I see nothing. When he looks into my eyes I know that he sees he hurt me in a way he can never fix, so what is the point of trying? I think it's time for me to realize there's got to be more for me than these men I choose?

You want to know a little secret? I'll always have a place for Robert. Because, despite everything that's happened between us, I still care. I always will. I really give up this time. There's no reason to keep hanging on to someone who won't hang on to me...


"I miss who I thought you were.
I miss the friend who'd never let me down.
That’s the guy I miss.
I can't miss you...
I don't even know who you are anymore..."

It's the going away for awhile...

that all but kills me. I know it's not that far. I'm acting as if I am going to some lock down rehabilitation center in fucking Utah. Now that would be enough for me to do so many drugs that I would overdose and fucking kill myself. I feel sorry for anyone who has been to Utah. What the hell am I talking about? That's where my future children will go if they decide they want to try to put me through the hell I put my mother through... No costly 60 day rehabs that don't do shit for them.

I am going to some sober living about a half an hour away. It's so structured that it might as well be a lock down facility. Half an hour might as well be the end of the world when your mother has taken your car away from you permanently. Who am I kidding? If I were my mother I'd take away the car and send me away too...

So, I will be without a computer after this weekend. It sucks. Robert promised that he would come and see me when I am off my first month restriction. I love that guy. I truly do. Things are about to change so dramatically and to be quite honest I am scared to death of that change. I truly am. I'm not gonna put on this brave face and say that I'm not. I'm terrified. But, I think that's okay...

Mr. Wrong and Alyssa are officially together now. You would think that that would have me in tears or what not, but to be perfectly honest it doesn't bother me. It's awkward being around them and watching them kiss. It's hard watching him hug her the way he did with me a couple of weeks ago. It's sometimes impossible not to wonder why he chose her over me. Sometimes I wonder why he didn't do anything with me when he had the chance. Tonight things weren't so strained between us.

I could look at him and feel this sense of greatfulness towards him. He walked away from me, but he left my dignity intact. How many women can say that about Mr. Wrong? A woman never leaves him with her disgnity intact. But, I did. And for that I am truly greatful to him. I no longer hate Alyssa. Alea and her have been there for me on a daily basis since I relapsed.

I feel somewhat sorry for Alyssa. How does she look like towards other people? One minute she's with one of the greatest guys I know and the next she's with Mr. Wrong. He has nothing. He doesn't have a job or a car. He has nothing to truly offer her. She's already telling him she loves him and everything. He says it back, but I can see he doesn't truly mean it. When does he ever? Him and I hugged tonight and I was no longer angry with him.

I love Alyssa, and all I could think was better her than me. I was spared all that. I get to work on myself and get someone who is worth so much more than Mr. Wrong. Thank God, is all I can say. Either things will work out with those two or they will end so fucking badly. Either way it is none of my fucking business. Thanks God, again. I wash my hands clean of that situation. I want no part in their downfall or that drama...

Speaking of Drama. Joey showed up tonight with his lady. And there was one moment where Joey had to walk by Mr. Wrong and Alyssa to talk to Jason. Kathryn and I waited for something to happen. Joey acted as if he couldn't even see Mr. Wrong. God damn. Kathryn and I were waiting for someone to throw a punch. Nothing happened. That is not a fight I would look forward to breaking up. Everyone would see where my loyalty lies. Joey. Hands down. No questions whatsoever.

I will miss all of you terribly. I really will. This blog has become like my child. Sometimes it feels as if when nothing is going right, or at least the way I want it to, I have this. I created this blog. I've nutured it. Yeah, you'll find I'm nothing more than a huge sap, or in Robert's words, too sentimental. I'll be blogging some more before I leave at the end of this weekend.

I royally screwed up (my longest entry)

I did alot of drugs and alcohol from Last Sunday to this Sunday. On Tuesday one of my ex sponsor’s best friend dragged me to a meeting. I thought I was done. Kathryn and Jasmine had picked me up and dragged me to a meeting Wednesday and sat there with me as I admitted to the group that I had messed up really badly.

Last Thursday I saw Mr. Wrong, but he didn't see me. For once my first thought wasn’t about how handsome he was or how he turned me on. My first thought was how I couldn’t believe how much he had hurt me and how I had put myself in a position to let it all happen.

You know what hurts the most? He said he had all of those feelings for me and that he meant them at least at the time. It hurts because he’s now all but with Alyssa. He may just be dating her to get what he wants from her, but it kills me from the inside out. It looks like I never could have won to begin with. I began crying as I walked away, making sure he couldn't see me.

Jessica had called me three times. I didn’t want to talk to her, especially since I was loaded. But, she kept calling and texting me off the hook. She was worried about me. I finally called her back on Friday.

“I love you, honey…”

“I don’t love myself right now,” I said as I felt a few tears run down my cheeks.

“Let’s get you to a meeting tonight, okay sweetie?” she gently asked me.

“I can’t go to a meeting like this…”

“Yes you can… They all know you got loaded, anyway. Shit like that doesn’t remain a secret. Right now this is about helping you save your life.” she said even more gently.

“Alright, come get me,” I said as I looked for something to wear.

We got to the meeting and Jessica helped me out of the car. I turned on the lights for the meeting and then went outside to smoke. I really needed a cigarette to get through this night. Jessica put an arm around me and stroked my back. I saw the love, sympathy, as well as fear in her eyes…

As if things could get worse Alyssa and Mr. Wrong came. From the corner of my eye I couldn’t tell if they had been holding hands or not. Mr. Wrong approached me and even though he tried to hide it I could tell he was relieved to see me at a meeting. Something happened that made me stop hating Alyssa forever.

She saw me and I saw how sad she looked. We stepped off to the side, away from everyone else. She pulled me into a tight hug, but I could barely hang on because I was really weak.

“Hey, mama, what’s cracking,” asked Robert as he approached me later that night. I watched a look of concern come across his face.

“Are you still sick,” he asked as he felt my forehead.

“No, Robert. I got loaded,” I said waiting for him to hate me, knowing I couldn’t stand it if he ever did.

“It happens, you know,” he said shrugging his shoulders.

When I went back inside I was not feeling well. Jessica came and brought me some water. I drank it down quickly. I went to the bathroom and sank to my knees. And then I began heaving into the toilet. I had forgotten to shut the stall. I looked up and there stood Jane looking as if she was going to cry. Before I left Jason gave me a huge hug.

It’s funny how I was so worried about Joey, Alyssa, and Robert getting loaded. But, out of all those people I was the only one who got loaded. I mean I hated Alyssa because I was prettier and she always got what I wanted. If I’m to be honest she has a better personality then me. She’s a lot nicer. I’m a little rough around the edges.

The next day I saw Joey at a meeting and he approached me, all concerned.

“This is so embarrassing,” I stated refusing to look anywhere but at him.

“You can do it again, just do whatever your sponsor says,” said Joey reaching his hand out to me. I took it and he helped me stand up, since the meeting was having a break.

I laid back on the sand and listened to him share once the meeting resumed. When he talked about his new girlfriend I had to sit up to make sure I wasn’t dreaming. I’m not just letting go of Mr. Wrong. I’m also letting Joey go. I have never been so proud of Joey then I was in that moment. I realized at that point, also, I feel honored to say he’s been in my life. I gave him a hug goodbye and a kiss on the cheek.

“My life has been dramatic since I met you...” I had to cut him off before he could say anything else.

“Thank you Joey, for everything you’ve done for me. You were one of my first friends when I got clean. Before you came into my life there had never been a guy who would never let me down,” I stated as I started bawling all over again.

“You’re not done getting loaded, are you,” he asked sadly.

I shook my head. I wanted to stay around Joey for a little bit longer, but I walked away. And I didn’t look back. I began crying once more hysterically. I had to mourn the loss of the man I was once madly in love with. I’ve denied it forever.

And as I cried over Joey I realized I was completely over Mr. Wrong because he would never measure up to Joey in one hundred years. He is incapable of being the man Joey is. And then I wiped my tears and wanted to get drunk.

I called my friend Jewel. We got wasted when one of her boy toys. Then we ditched him and went to the ghetto part of L.A to go get drugs. The night/morning ened with me fucked up on meth and doing lines of cocaine in her car. When I came down I called my mother crying and she came and got me. Then I called my sponsor crying hysterically. My, god, I’m ashamed… One day at a time, I suppose...

I think Jessica was right...

All I am doing is setting myself up for a fall that I am not ready or even willing to take. It's hard to know when you should let go or try harder. Well, I think I'm at the point where I know that I need to let go. But, at the same time I want to try harder because he's what I want for now...

So, I was talking with Kathryn at the meeting when Mr. Wrong approached us. He gave her a hug since he hadn't seen her in forever. Then Alea pulled up with Jane and Alyssa. He gives Alyssa the type of hug that he gave me the other day. I was simply spewing. He wouldn't hug me like that but he would with her? I thought he wasn't acting that way because his mother was around. Apparently that wasn't the case at all.

I realize why I can't stand Alyssa so much. It's not the fact that she irritates me to such a degree. Trust me. She does. It's the fact that every guy I ever like she gets her hooks into him. She deffinitely did it with Joey. Alyssa got him to be her boyfriend. And Jason did whatever she told him to. And now Mr. Wrong... It seems like he is falling for the same thing...

"If you're ever going to be hid girl you have to get used to him talking to other girls. He's a fine looking guy..."

"I know. And I wouldn't care if I was with him. It wouldn't bother me at all, but I'm not. And I don't think that I ever will be..."

She told me I have to mind fuck myself and make myself believe that I don't care, that it's not that he might not want me, but that I haven't decided if he's what I want, if he's good enough.

Later her and I were talking again. She told me she was going to discuss all of this with Mr. Wrong. I don't know why I went back inside and let her talk to him. She told him that I had feelings for him and that if he broke my heart that she would beat him up. He told her that he wouldn't. I don't know what that means now. Is he going to avoid me? What will happen?

"Be patient with him. He has high morals, high standards. I yelled at him about getting involved with Alyssa. I told him about how he and Joey did time together, and that he better not get with her. He'll leave her alone. Be his friend. He just got out of rehab. He needs a friend more than anything else..."

Now I just feel stuck. I don't know how to be his friend without asking him to hang out, or sounding just stupid. If I'm still gonna have anything to do with him I don't know how to stop the flirting. And if I can't do that my only choice is to get up and walk away from the situation. At that point if it's meant to be it'll happen. If it's not then it won't... Or maybe I'll just walk away to see if he'll try to stop me, and if he doesn't then fuck him...

I couldn't even talk to Robert that much tonight. It would have been too weird to flirt with Robert tonight. His baby's mama and his baby was there. Yeah, even I'm not that scandalous. I wouldn't put it past Alyssa, though. I fucking hate that bitch. I really do. I may deserve better than Joey, but Joey deserves better than Alyssa. I used to think him and Jessica should hook up...

He called me...

I was on the phone with Jessica earlier. I was so upset that he wasn't at the meeting. She was telling me to let him go, that I was inviting hell into my life that I was setting me up for a fall. I might be. But, incase you couldn't tell, that's not stopping any of this from happening...

She told me that he had gone to the other Wednesday meeting. That's the meeting almost everyone goes to except for Joey and I. Let's see. Jason goes with Jane. Alyssa goes with whoever will take her. Alea sometimes goes with Evan, who is her on and off again fuck buddy. I don't think I wrote about that one yet. My point is that all the girls I pretty much hate go to that meeting except for Jessica.

As she was telling me how good he looked and how well he seems to be doing I had all these images of Mr. Wrong being another guy these girls took from me. They took Joey and Jason... And the last thing I want is to lose Mr. Wrong to these rediculess girls...

After her and I hung up the phone I had all these images in my mind of them sucking him in and that my supposed hold on him would completely disappear. I could just imagine seeing him around them all the time and it would be as if I no longer existed. I imagined him being afraid to show such open affection towards me as he did Tuesday night. That thought made me so sad...

Anyway, I checked my voicemail and he had called me. The hugest smile made its way to my face. All thoughts of him forgetting about me disappeared as I heard him apologize for not showing up to the meeting. Then he said that he would call me back tomorrow...

I had to call him back, naturally. We had one of our normal conversations. By normal conversation I mean hidden sexual innuendos, arguing, insulting each other, which is always followed by us hysterically laughing. It sounds all so normal, right?

Nothing's changed between us. If anything when I see him tomorrow he'll be more affectionate than ever, at least it’s what I am hoping for. I am going to milk it for all its worth.

I just have to work on being a little bit nicer to Mr. Wrong. The physical attraction is definitely there. But, if I want him to like me more than that I have to work on a couple of things. I can’t wait until tomorrow…

He has feelings for me again...

Does Joey want a metal for realizing what everyone including his girlfriend already knew? He called me this morning to inform me of this nauseating information. If I wasn't so upset with him I would have had no choice but to show him pity, a sense of kindness not easily rendered from me.

"You had your chance with me. I believe that you blew it in every single way possible..."

"I know that. But, it doesn't make the feelings go away."

I sighed, somewhat annoyed. It was seven in the morning for Christ's sake. He woke me up for this particular reason. I thought it would be something important and dramatic. I don't know. Maybe Jane finally found out that Jason was cheating on her and she had killed him. But, no such luck. Or I would have even been satisfied with the fact that Alyssa had done the world a favor and killed herself.

"I don't have feelings for you anymore. You let me down by not standing up for me. I had faith that you would. You've never disappointed me to this degree before. I will always love you as a friend. I'm beginning to see that I have no choice in that matter. I still think you are a coward, though..."

"I can't really blame you for feeling that way."

"I deserve so much more than you. I really do. Goodbye..."

I hung up the phone with him. And for the first time in months I felt this sense of relief. I finally had the chance to tell him at least half of the things I wanted to say. I feel like I can finally move on from him and not resent him so harshly.

Resenting him is really the last thing I want to do. It doesn't help me. It doesn't really do anything for anyone, if you know what I mean. Besides, I can't seem to get Mr. Wrong out of my head lately...

Why on earth would I want another dog...

I already have a beautiful pit bull. I don't need the human version of her. I really don't. That much is for certain. I've mentioned Allen before. I know that I have. It would be impossible for me to avoid such a thing as that. He is the most convenient man I know to use, abuse, and completely discard at anyone's earliest convenience. Lately he's been calling me and following me around like a pathetic puppy that you just can't seem to get rid of no matter how hard you may try. At least if I pet my dog for awhile and throw her a bone she'll leave my presence. Allen is not the same case, unfortunately...

As I wrote yesterday, Alyssa called me. She wanted to know if the rumors were true, if I was in fact seeing Allen. What a silly bint! How could she begin to imagine such a thing as possibly being true! Who could have come up with such a silly rumor as that? The very idea of it it's simply ludicrous. There's more of a chance that I'd marry Joey than ever go on a date with Allen. Even thinking of myself as married to Joey makes me want to hurl and not leave my house for days on end. You can imagine how vexed Alyssa must have been when I told her who'd I'd rather marry then ever be seen with Allen.

Allen has so many characteristics of a stalker that it truly amazes me. How can one man be that pathetic, if not completely desperate? I can't seem to get rid of him. Verona called me the other day. I'm sure you can only imagine how annoyed I was with the entire ordeal in the first place. She assumed I was after her ex- boyfriend. She's simply lost her mind, that one. I told her that I would never want to be so much as near him. I ventured further to ask her if she had seen what he looked like lately (never mind how he's always looked)? Then I ended the phone call with informing her that I would never take part in her sloppy seconds. Any woman would be a fool to involve herself with any man this woman has been with. God only knows what kind of diseases this woman has.

I’ve been thinking of Jason a lot lately, more than is probably healthy. I look at him and I see all the potential he possesses. It almost makes me sad as I watch him waste it and squander it on women who don’t see what he can truly do with it. He surrounds himself with so many silly women to say the least. I can’t think of a better way to describe Alyssa and Alea. Don’t even get me started on Jane. She’s so young and naïve. She can’t fully appreciate Jason for all that he could possibly offer.

At one point in time I wanted to mentor the poor girl. I don’t think I would have been met with much success. She would have been a waste of my time, or God only knows what she would have done with the information I would bestow to her angelic soul. I love watching her from afar, seeming to think she knows everything and that no one will knock her from that pedestal that she has placed herself upon.

Oh, what am I saying? She would never have the mentality to place herself at such a place. If I am to honestly look at this situation for what it truly is, Jason has placed her there. He has caused her to believe that she is more than she could ever hope to be. It takes a soul as wicked, twisted, and manipulative as mine to appreciate Jason’s work of art, so to speak.

I watch Jason’s smile with these different women. He smiles at all of them. They’ve all reported to me how sweet, lovely, and innocent he really is. What stupid women they truly are! They never see the smirk at the end of his smile, or the evil twinkle in his eyes. Only I do. And he knows this. That is why I was the first person he shared his transgressions against Jane with. He knew I would laugh and simply congratulate him on a job well done.

Sometimes I have to wonder why he surrounds himself with those idiotic women, instead of allying himself with the likes of me. He likes having women in his life he can play for a fool. These women can never begin to guess what cards he is holding in his hands. He knows I always know all his cards, as well as the future ones he will draw. I suppose people as wicked as ourselves should never work together for common vengeance. God only knows what would happen. Goodbye for now my darlings…

It's a new year...

Happy New Years everyone... I hope you had an amazing new years eve. I sure as hell know that I did. I was so upset with my adoptive mother about so many things that I didn't think that I would go out and do anything at all. How silly does that sound. It was New Year's Eve for Christ's sake. Am I the only person who notices how we make a bigger deal over the eve of New Years, than the day itself? Anyway, so I went to this New year's Eve party my friend Shayla was hosting. Almost everyone I know was there. Well, everyone but Jason, that is. Jane did seem somewhat upset. I wonder if there's already trouble in paradise? Well, one can only hope...

It was a really good party. I am going to give you the short version because I am really tired. Joey got in trouble with Alyssa because he said I looked pretty. She was shooting me daggers all night. Jane looked uncomfortable. Alea was being overly nice. Whatever. Jasmine was there and we were dancing. Sid got it all on camera. Who cares? He hates me all of a sudden or something. I suppose it's Alyssa's doing. She makes everyone feel so sorry for her too much of the time. It makes me nautious. What the hell are we to feel sorry about?

It's not my fault that she's fat and white trash. I can't possibly be held responsible for that. I suppose she hates me for being gorgeous. Once again, that's no fault of mine. She can kindly blame that one on my genetics. I don't know. I am getting so tired of her and the shit she continually pulls. She's so boring and everyone loves her. In my opinion she's about as fascinating as going to the zoo... Yawn... Boring... This quote is so her...






I'll finish the story later. Alyssa is actually calling me. I should answer and see what the hell she wants...

I should write a book...

At least I can tell you I am bored enough to do such a thing. My mother and I had dinner and then got into the hugest fight ever. We're sitting there, with, what was supposed to be a nice dinner, and I began crying my eyes out. I just wish that she would see things the way they were and that I am so unhappy with everything. I can say that this is the most unhappy Christmas Eve of my life. At least this time last year I was plastered beyond belief.

Well, Sarah says I should write a book and unlike all those other people out there I wouldn't even have to make anything up. I would ofcourse change everyone's name like I do on here. That way no one can stop me from talking all the shit that I want to. I realize, though, that if the people I know read this they would at least suspect I was talking about them. They probably would. Some people call me mean for saying some of the shit I say about people on here. I'm not a mean person by nature. I'm just bluntly honest. If you don't want your name dragged through the dirt stop behaving in a manner that would cause others to want to do such a thing.

I've had dreams about Jason lately. Who wouldn't? If he hadn't gotten that god awful hair cut he could have done some modeling. But, hair cut or not, he's still gorgeous. He's that guy you know will never be yours so instead he becomes your fantasy boy. Jason's deffinitely that alright. His main problem is that he's too beautifully fucked up for his own good.

Well, everyone, happy early Christmas. Everything always is alright on Christmas. I get some sort of token of love or giftcard. And then I shop. For that moment all of my problems go away. Either way I'm seeing my sister tommorow...

so, you want a soap opera?

How's this for a soap opera? I told Jane, Alea, and Alyssa something about this man, George, I had certain doings with at one point in time. Now, I do see my one mistake. The entire story wasn't true. But, I wanted to keep them from making the same mistakes that I had made. Why I wanted to do so is far beyond me. Perhaps I had a moment of weakness and decided to turn the other cheek. I don't understand it at all. They told everyone including the guy. It was this huge game of he said and she said. I was so angry and all but dropped off the face of the planet. I didn't talk to anyone for weeks. Well, I would talk to Jessica, Rashelle, and Naomi, but that was all. They have always been my trusted confidantes...

People watched me and were shock. Some of them even got the silly notion that I was done with drama. I suppose they thought I was on my way to settling down for a happy and boring existence. Then I did something. So, I'm adopted. I went and found my real mom. I have a younger sister who is just like me. It's unbelievable. There's enough drama there to keep it going. I'm visiting my biological mother right now. We're so much alike. Well, at least, now we know where I get my dramatic nature from... My sister and I want to write our very own soap opera. We most have enough life experience that we'll never need to pay writers! It's amazing really.

Last weekend I went out to celebrate with Jessica. She warned me to say that Alea, Jane, and Alyssa would be there. I looked fabulous. They saw me and smiled. I gave them a wider smile. I hugged and kissed all three of them. I told them how much I had missed them, and that we had to go for coffee soon. I even went as far as to hug and kiss George. I put everyone in a state of shock. But, it is what I live for...

So, let's see. Jason and Jane are back together. It's enough to make someone want to barf. How naive she is! I give it a couple months. And to think at one time I wanted to take her under my wing, teach her to be more like myself. She's not smart nor cunning enough. I shall not waste my time, energy, and efforts on something lacking potential. She lacks, finesse. My sister on the other hand has the potential to possess all of these qualities. She has so much potential.

Alyssa and Joey got back together. It leaves such a vulgar taste in my mouth. But, I see what no one else can. He no longer loves her. He probably just couldn't find anyone else willing to sleep with him. How pathetic they both are! They do deserve each other after all I'd say.

Well, my darlings that's all for now...

Lies, Lies, lies...

There's so many lies going on. I don't want to deal with any of this going on. I told a lie about Joey and Alyssa. I told a lie about Sammy. Joey keeps calling me, asking me what's wrong and why I won't call him back. I don't want to look him in the eye, tell him the truth, and see the hurt that lies there. That's the last thing I want. I can be a cold hearted bitch, at least that's what people who don't know me peg me as, but hurting him would be the last thing I want. He's one of my best friends. I don't deserve to even say I know him. I really don't. Does he know what I said? I don't know. I don't want to know. And Jason is gonna hate me when he finds out what I said. He may never find out. I don't know. Jane may keep her mouth shut. She may not.

My life used to be simple. I miss the days when things were as simple as Bob, Joey, and I sitting down for coffee just trying to get one more day clean then we already had. All we wanted was to get away from the monster known as Crystal Meth. That's all we wanted. And then life showed up. Life has a really fucked up way of doing that.

I'd give my life to go back to those days. I truly would. I never say this out loud. But, they meant the world to me. None of my designer clothes could hold a candle to those times. Then again money doesn't buy happiness. It doesn't buy true love or true friends.

They didn't care where I came from or that I was just a little bit different than them. They saw that I was just an addict who would die if I didn't stay clean. They gave me the greatest gifts; friendship and love. I never tell anyone this, not even Joey, but there are times I miss Bob. He screwed us all over but I miss him. If I were to see him I would probably run in the other direction, not knowing what to say. Like I said, people peg me as a cold hearted bitch, or even a drama queen. You want the truth? Most of the time I'm nothing but a scared little girl...

Where do I start

There is just so much going on that I hardly even know where I could possibly begin. I suppose I will start with Joey and Alyssa. They broke up. It's not shocking, really. He called me twice today. I have him right back where I thought I wanted him. But, the funny thing is I don't want him anymore. What you think you want at one point, in the future, turns out to be the last thing you really want. A couple of months ago I would have been estatic if they had broken up. But, now? It's just sad. It really is.

Sammy is getting on my last nerve. She follows jason around like a lost puppy. It's all so rather pathetic, if you ask me. She sat next to him at dinner last night and gave all of the girls at the table a look that told all of us to back off. Her look told us if she couldn't have him none of us could. Well, it's true. No one is having him. He wants everyone. Well, maybe, Jane is the exception to this particular remark...

She told me last night that there is something between them, without a title. I don't know how much of this is what she would just want to be. Maybe there is still something there. But, I think I am slowly getting to the point where I don't think he's worth it.

He's the type you go out with. You have fun. But, nothing serious happens. We were dancing a little bit last night, bumping and grinding. He's fun. But, I don't think he's enough to make me happy for any considerable ammount of time. All he would do is leave me broken after stomping all over my heart. I truly deserve so much better than that.

Jason creates so much drama between the women and I doubt that he is aware of it at all. He flirts with all of the girls. We're all friends. I don't think he intentionally wants to hurt anyone. As bad as he can be, he canbe a very sweet guy. He doesn't see that his actions affect any of us. Maybe someone should say something. It won't be me... I think I will just remain silent on this one..

Musical chairs

I don't even know how to put everything that is going on in my life into words. I dropped out of college for now, work a job I simply loathe, and then some. But, where relationships are concerned my group of friends seem to be playing musical chairs. It would be amusing, I suppose, if you weren't me. At least that's what an observer has said. Amusing? I don't think so. Alyssa and Jason have been hanging out alot. I bet she's sleeping with him. All I can tell you is that I see Joey these days more than she does. How truly sad is that? People are starting to think that he likes me all over again. I will tell you one thing. There is absolutely no way I am going through that all over again. It's just not happening. Jason can do what he wants and so can Alyssa... But, if Joey gets hurt in the process I am going to be really upset. When push comes to shove I will defend Joey over Jason. There are no questions about it, none whatsoever...

Jason and I are going nowhere. We flirt, but he does that with alot of girls. He is nothing but a waste of time and energy. It's quite dissapointing because his level of potential is amazing. His words don't mean alot to me. He might as well just be a pretty boy and choose not to speak. It would make my life easier. So, let Jason and Alyssa do what they need to do. There's also another girl I believe Jason is interested in. Her name is Sammy. Let Alyssa deal with it, and see how it feels. I'm staying out of it. Who thought you would ever hear those words coming from me?

Sammy is alright. She's cute and quite friendly. She's really no match for me, but if Jason wants her, then I really don't want him anyway. I realize except for me he has no taste in women, at least not really. There's also a couple new girls who have joined our circle of friends. You won't be surprised to find that Jason was the first to welcome them with open arms. I mean that in a literal sense of the word.

One of them, Jane, happens to be Jason's ex girlfriend. I, surprisingly, adore her. She's a little bit awkward and rough around the edges, but her level of potential is what I see. I have taken her under my wing. Imagine what I can teach her. Jason seems less than thrilled with this turn of events. Do you think I really care? Ofcourse not. Then there is Alea. I like her a great deal. She is quite successful. She's just good friends with Alyssa. Not for long, though.

I have been nice to Alyssa, but she has got to watch her back. I'm not to be trifiled with. If she isn't careful I will take her man away, her friend, and even Jason. She's trying to take him from me. When it comes to taking things from me, I am simply ruthless. I will not apologize...

Being thrown into the Ocean is not my cup of tea

It really isn't. Jason and I had a spat of sorts on Friday. It was more as if we had come to a stand still. I decided to avoid him, that he just wasn't worth my time in any capacity. In any event, some of my friends were going to go to the beach on Sunday. I wasn't going to go. Then I realized how stupid it would be not to just because of him. I avoided him even though he saw me right away. I went towards the water with just the intention of putting my feet in the water. I saw him approach me. I turned towards the water.

I didn't hear anything at all. For a moment I wondered where he had gone. Well, I most deffinitely figured out where he had gone to when I felt myself being lifted off of the ground. Jason had picked me up and was carrying me towards the water. Ofcourse I was screaming numerous curses at him. Everyone was looking at us. I am quite used to it, and apparently by what Jason said so is he. He turns to the people who are watching us and says "Don't worry... This happens all the time..."

We flirted a bit throughout the day. I was even more confused then ever. But, I've decided I will flirt with him when I want to. I will leave him alone when I feel like it. I suppose that whatever happens happens. There's only one flaw in this plan. Lately I don't want to leave him alone. Tonight everyone is going to be there. I've invited Rashelle along, naturally. I do always need an opinion of another professional drama queen...

By, the way, I saw Joey for the first time in two weeks the other day. There were no feelings there at all. I was just happy to see my friend. I know I'm over him and have moved on to Jason. I just hope Jason isn't another disaster waiting to happen, or at least another dramatic scene. Oh, wait, my entire life is a dramatic scene. Rashelle likes to called it my personal Soap Opera. I love it. I truly do...

It's an upside down world...

It must be an alternate Universe I've arrive at if Alyssa and I text each other every day, constantly meeting up for coffee and dishing about the men in our lives. I even now hang out with Joey, and feel much less animosity towards him. And, you definitely know it's an Upside down World if Jessica and I are barely speaking and Lea and I have kissed and made up.

I've left home to start a life on my own. It's amazing how in one night everything in your life can change, and whatever is left of it is completely unrecognizable. Someone close to me thought that while I was forced to concentrate on what mattered my dramatic nature would be completely left behind. That, I must tell you, is not entirely true.

I have left Joey and Alyssa completely alone. When I was on vacation with Alyssa I realized how much she truly cared about him. If I didn't make him happy, or give him what he truly needed, did he not deserve to find it with someone else? Letting go is never easy, but in order to live again it is necessary. Living from and in the past is so unhealthy. Then there's this other guy. Jason is something else entirely...

I think I may have found my match where he is concerned. He's extremely good looking has a great job, prospects, comes from a well rounded family, and his intelligence rivals mine. When you meet someone of his nature you're either with him or against him. From the moment we met about two months ago a series of sarcastic quips and flirtation ensued. The only problem is he might beat me at my own game. I suppose one would be accurate in saying he's the Valmont or Casanova of our group. I can tell you for the first time I have absolutely no clue with this one. It's all hearsay at this point...

I may make the biggest mistake with Jason and take a genuine chance on him. I don't believe I have ever taken a genuine chance with someone in my life. One may argue and say I did with Joey, but not really. I could never bring myself to tell him the true nature of my feelings and act in an according manner. Isn't life about going after what you want? If it turns out to be a mistake, then I will learn from it. At least I will be taking a chance.

He's an enigma to me. He's a walking contradiction. There's something about him that makes me feel calm and secure, then there's something about him that makes me question everything. I completely trip over my words around him, as well as myself. It's quite embarrassing to say the least. We shall all see where this one goes...