I'm pretty much...

the deffinition of a lost girl right now. I used to always say I was lost in the back of my mind or that I didn't know who I was. We always know who we are. It's just that sometimes who we are is too much to face, so we go around saying we don't.

Let's see. I was the poor little rich girl. I was mommy's angel. I was the preppy girl. For a minute I was a metal head. But, always between those things I was an addict. Let's be honest, shall we? Crystal and coke were my lovers. They wer emy first, last, and always. People always said they would be the death of me. Sometimes I wonder if that's still true.

Lea's as good as gone. It's hard to talk to Rashelle. I can't call Robert or even Mr. Wrong. Jessica doesn't understand any of this. Kathryn and I rarely ever talk anymore. Hell, I'd settle for Joey, but these days he'd just shut me down. He used to never shut me down. I used to have his attention for hours on end. He'd listen to all my dramatic spews.

What happened to these people who loved me so much, or at least I thought they at least cared. They've all changed so much that it's like looking at strangers. I just want someone to listen to me, someone to care. So, I can say what I've been dying to say. I'm dieing inside and I'm drowning in the middle of the sea. Would you throw me a life jacket, please? But, even if they would listen I would never say that.

And the only person I can talk to out of all those people I listed is Mr. Wrong. But, things are so awkward between us. He kissed me. And instead of letting him like I used to I pulled away and asked him what he was doing.

"I missed you..."

"You don't get to miss me because you did this. I got to miss you for as long as I wanted to. But, I stopped missing you. You don't ever get to do this to me..."

"I'm still in love with you..."

"You were never in love with me to begin with. You don't love anyone. And I don't blame you. It's not your fault. You can't because you don't love yourself..."

"Well, neither do you?"

"What do you mean?"

"You walk everywhere holding your looks as a badge of honor so someone will notice, anyone..."

"Fuck you..." I said softly.

"You don't mean it..."

"You're right. I don't. I'm going to go before I say anything else I don't really mean..."

Sometimes I miss Robert. Sometimes I hate him. Sometimes I'm indifferent. I'm just tired of crying. It hurts. Maybe I'll call Jessica tommorow and tell her that she has no choice but to meet with me and at least hear me...

"Things change.
And friends leave.
And life doesn't stop for anybody..."

Everything feels so messed up...

I can't stop crying even as I write this. It feels like everything I ever built is falling to pieces. The people I love aren't being who I want them to be, or how they're supposed to be. I don't even know Lea anymore. It's like talking to a stone wall. We used to do everything together and now we don't. We've fought before. We've had big fights. I wish that's what it was. With a fight you can say things you don't mean. And then you can say sorry. And then things can maybe one day be the way they used to be. But, when there's no fight, and no one's done anything there's nothing to apologize for. We're just not going to be friend's forever, like we used to be. We've been friends, best friends, since I was fourteen. Well, if anything, this is the year where I'm learning forever is impossible.

Oh, who the hell am I kidding? I've known forever was impossible since the day I was born. But, I guess there's this part of me that wants to believe in it so badly, that I'll let people knock me to the ground everytime. Ever heard of the queen who fell from grace? Welcome to my world...

On a personal note...

I realized I'm still really screwed up in the head. This whole year has honestly been about trying to change, trying to leave behind the person I was. I've said this once. I'll say it again. I used to do alot of drugs. I used to drink. Every teenager does, I suppose. But, not every teenager gets as out of control as I did. I've now been clean for a year. And, I realize I want that instant gratification.

I want to people to see how much I've changed, that I'm different now. But, more than anything I want my mother and I to have the relationship back that we did. It's not happening fast enough for me. I'm afraid we'll never being close again and to be honest it makes me want to break down and cry. To be honest just a step further I did break down and cry, all through today. I didn't even want to talk to her today... Fuck that I didn't want to talk to anyone. I went as far as to shut off my phone. I see that it's true what I heard someone once say to me...

"Wounds heal, but scars are forever..."

How did Alea being a fucking bitch and Joey a coward bring me to this realization? I'm not sure. Alea called Lea a whore last night, but I didn't find out about it until this morning. If it had been just that I would have let it go. But, I have been dealing with shit from Alea, Alyssa, and Jane for months. It's gotten to the point where enough is enough. I'm so sick of them acting like they love me to death and then fucking with me like this. It's fucking pathetic.

Alea didn't call Lea a whore because she really thought that. Ofcourse she didn't. She called her such a name because she wanted to get to me. If you have something to say to me come to my face and fucking say it or shut the hell up about it. But, don't you dare even think about hurting one of my Best friends to achieve it. She said alot of other fucked up shit about Lea that I don't even want to get into...

Joey, Joey, Joey... He was supposed to help me out with something yesterday. At the last moment he backed out because he was so worried about what Alyssa would say. There's nothing in this world I hate more than being vulnerable. But, I am just going to come out and say it. He really, really, hurt me, by not standing up for me... I thought he would, but he didn't. I'm dissapointed in him...

Mr. Unmentionable returns...

Lea and I used to call him the unmentionable because of all the things he has done. The two of us decided that he doesn't even deserve to be called by his given name. But, sometimes we can't help but talk about him. There's just so much to say where he is concerned that it's quite unbelievable. Well, it would be if we were discussing someone who isn't him. Until recently we called him the unmentionable, Mr. Unmentionable to be precise. A couple of weeks ago I realized calling him by that name gave a sense power to him and to everything he had done. So, I began calling him by his given name once more. But, on here... I'll just call him Mr. Unmentionable. It makes things so much easier on me. It really does.

I can't believe he has returned. Well, of course I can. I just didn't really want to know anything about it, at all. There is a first time for everything, I'll tell you. It was bound to happen sooner or later. People in the armed services have to have pay leave. Why they do, I'm sure that I will never understand. They should just make them stay there the entire four or eight years away from their family. I know it's cruel and completely unlawful but then he would have never hurt me so deeply. Alright, so they should give everyone else leave, just not him. If he did not have leave that year he never would have done what he did what that stupid girl. I can still remember that morning as if it were yesterday... I'm sure it will always be in my memory somewhere for the rest of my life... It's not the sort of thing a woman forgets very easily. I can't think of one woman who forgets a sense of betrayal very easily...

I walked into his room that morning. He wasn't exactly what you'd call alone. I expected him to be all on his own. We were casually dating after all. We had kissed for the first time in months. He actually regretted it. He should have told me right away he just considered me as a friend and wanted nothing else to do with me. Perhaps we could have saved our three year long friendship at that point. There would have been a chance at such a thing. But, he had to behave as a young boy did. He began avoiding me. He led me on. And that morning he wasn't exactly in his bed on his own.

I remember looking at her, sizing her up. I tried to find some sort of plausible reason why I had been replaced by her. If I could have found one I may have come to an understanding of sorts about the entire ordeal. I continued to look at her. But, the only thought that ran through my head was that I was a great deal prettier than her. If her beauty had over powered mine it probably would have hurt twice as much as it did. But, I would have understood it at least on some level. But, I couldn't understand anything except that there was a knife being drawn into my heart.


At first I didn't feel anything. I was in a complete state of shock. It's difficult to say who was more shocked Mr. Unmentionable, Lea, or me. Of course the girl laying in bed with him had absolutely no idea what was going on. I remember sitting in Lea's car that morning. I wanted to cry, but no tears would come. I couldn't fathom it. Why weren't they coming? I was overwhelmed. I wanted to get drunk and forget everything. But, at that point I had been sober for over sixty days. I wasn't going to give that up for him.

When I was drenched in that sense of betrayal, anger, and pain I realized why I wasn't crying and creating a scene for all to watch. A woman in pain knows the show must go on. And in that moment in time, though I didn't quite realize it, I was beginning to grow up. I was eighteen years old then. Even I didn't know it at that point in time. That was the day I began to grow up. That day I learned that life wouldn't always go my way. I could lie and manipulate things if I wanted to. Those two things still didn't guarantee that I would always get my way.

I believe that day I came to a place of self acceptance. Though he had hurt me beyond words I had kept that sense of dignity and pride. Sometimes those are the only two things that a woman has to hold onto. And hold onto those two things, I did with all my might.

When I came out of the sense of utter shock I looked him in the eyes. Then I picked up my purse that I had left on his table. I didn't say one more word to him before I walked out of his room, out of his life forever. I think he saw by the way I looked into his eyes that I wasn't coming back. Nothing he could say or do would ever fix what he had done to me...

The weekend update... unless something devestating happens

It is Friday morning. I do not have much time to give you today. I still have yet to pack. My room is simply a fright. Don’t ask me how it happened once more. Later in the afternoon I am going to lunch with some of my girlfriends. In the early evening I have plans with my family. Friday late night belongs to a certain group of people, unfortunately. So I shall just give you an update on some of the people who we’ve already discussed…

Who knows what is going on with Alyssa? She was probably busy sucking off Joey last night. What other purpose could she possibly serve where he is concerned? I cannot think of one. If you can possibly come up with a plausible one do us all a favor and contact the media at your earliest convience.

I suppose that this would bring us to Joey. I called him last night when I was on the road. I needed directions to a particular location. He seemed somewhat hurt that that was the only reason I was calling. I do not care. Did he expect me to call and tell him all about the going ons in my life? I don’t think so…

Mr. X and his girlfriend, Rhea, are having problems. She suspects that he has not completely been faithful to her. What was the twit’s first clue? Don’t answer that question. I’m not sure that I am quite prepared to know the true level of her stupidity. Lea of course was very unsupportive towards his situation. He was surprised that she was being such a bitch. I could have told him that one…

I haven’t seen Verona since she dumped Allen. I did see Allen last night though. He looked completely devastated, even heartbroken. Perhaps he missed being yelled at and having to baby-sit her children at any given moment?

That is it for now. But, if something devestating happens I will be forced to make time in my busy weekend to tell you all about it...

It could cause Devestation

I am simply terrible. I truly am. You can judge for yourself when I tell you what has happened now. There is a certain guy in my ex best friend’s past. We’ll call him Mr. X and the ex best friend, Lea. Mr. X was basically a man whore, who was a dear friend of mine. In any event, Lea wanted him. She hooked up with him. Before I explain the arising situation I should tell you more about Lea.

Lea was always quite the sex addict. I could see it before she even engaged in the act of sex itself. No one knew about it, of course. She always kept it very hush- hush. But, ofcourse, I knew all about it. What Did I tell you? I know everything. I wonder what her parents would say if they knew the truth about their adoring daughter’s hobbies? Where would I even begin? Where would it all end? Her parents just might die of a heart attack or something equally as awful. My knowledge about her life could blow it to pieces if I put the right information in the wrong hands.

I trusted her more than I have ever trusted another human being. I made her apart of every aspect of my life. What does she do in return? She turns around when I am not looking, and stabs me in the back! I don’t get over a grudge easily, at least not until I have had my revenge. And I will.

Mr. X has always showed a varied degree of interest in me. I could very well use it against him and Lea in one fall swoop. Everyone gets what they want except Lea. This would crush her. It would devastate as well as destroy her. I wonder if her new boyfriend knows what I know… If I go through with both parts of my plan… I don’t know if anything would ever be the same. I haven’t made a final decision yet. We’ll see what I decide…