The gossip...

Since that was the original intention of this blog. Let's see what is going on in the world I live in...

I saw the girl Robert chose after things didn't work out with his child's mother. She couldn't believe that he had baby mama drama. I really wanted to ask her how she couldn't know that? How stupid can one person really get?

Alyssa didn't invite me to her party last weekend. That's shocking. I think she's still somewhat upset over the fact that I slept with Mr. Wrong last summer. Whatever. Speaking of Mr. Wrong...

I saw Mr. Wrong tonight and he looked at me with those eyes. Yeah, I'm throughly convinced that those eyes will draw me into him until the day I die, or at least until I no longer know him. Sometimes he gives me a look and I think he wishes that he had chose differently. Fuck, if I were with Alyssa, I'd wish I had chosen the girl working the corner...

Amos came out of the closet. Such a pity. I really wanted to have him for a night or so. It could have been fun. He told me even if he primarily wants men, he'd make an exception for me. Gee, how did I ever get so lucky?

Jasmine's in rehab. I do miss her quite a bit. She always was the younger version of me.

Jason hasn't been around lately. There is a rumor around that he's dealing crack. Interesting. But, not likely.

I haven't heard shit about Robert. There's probably not much to say there. Will he choose this new girl on the scene or his baby's mama? The soap opera will one day unfold. Sooner than later, I expect.

Alea is still pining for the one in jail. Boring. No one knows what's going on with Jane, really. They tel me she's doing well. Even more boring. They tell me how happy Alyssa is, well except she's unhappy with me. Do you think I care? Not a chance in hell?

Haven't heard a thing about Mr. X in forever. I think he's now in the Marines. No one cares about Mr. Unmentionable really. He became boring as well as useless after he settled down with his trailer trash. Someone get in a fight or cheat on your significant other, please. I need more gossip. Well, there are two bits I won't leave out...

The first one is that for some reason (from what I hear) Alyssa is worried that Mr. Wrong is cheating on her or will sleep with me again. He did give me that smile tonight. But, whatever. I doubt I would ever go there with him again. I'm not saying it would never happen... But, you know what they say... Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me...

Jeff and I are on speaking terms once more. We've been texting and talking alot more than we probably should. Oh, well, what can I say? In case you could not tell, I have difficulty allowing the past to be the past. We'll see what happens. One thing I can say, this summer should be interesting...

I don't know him...

I saw everyone last night. Everyone from Alea to fucking Jason was there. Well, except for Mr. Wrong and Jessica. Ooh! Maybe they're secretly fucking eachother behind everyone's back. I suppose that that makes for an excellent story except that Jessica is in a newly commited relationship and simply loathes Mr. Wrong. I suppose that she better take a number and get in line.

So, I saw Robert talking with Alea, Alyssa, and Jane. I gave them hugs and he gave this serious and unreadable look, so I dismissed him. He walked over to me looking rather upset.

"Why didn't you hug me?"

"I didn't think you'd want me to," I answered honestly.

All I wanted to do at that point was run into his arms and have him pick me up. I swore to myself at that moment if he'd just look at me the way he used to or even take me in his arms I could forgive him. I could over look the fact that he had hurt me deeply. I just wanted a piece of the man I used to know back.

"You act like you don't know me anymore."

It took everything in me not to deeply scoff, looking at him as if he had lost his mind. I wanted to yell at him, that I don't know him anymore, that I never knew him to begin with. How could I? No one ever really does. He makes damn sure of that one.

"No, I don't."

We hugged. And he pretty much ignored me the entire night. I wanted to go home and cry my eyes out. I really did. I wanted Joey to show up or even Mr. Wrong. I needed to see one of them because they are my friends. He used to ignore me like that at times, but it was never like this. It never hurt me to this degree.

I think I am so hurt because I honestly and truly realize this time that we're never going to be the way that we used to be no matter what he says and no matter what I do. There's absolutely nothing I can do about it anymore. And I'm tired of hanging on for the both of us. All I needed was one word or one look that would tell me he still cared just a little bit. But, he couldn't give me that much.

I'm fighting for something that's dead. It hurts because he became the thing I wanted the most. I wanted him the most because hewas going to be for me, something just mine. And I don't care how selfish it is. I didn't care that it made no sense. Because when all is said and done, it's over.

I have to realize that even if he apologized, something he never does, would we go back? We can't. He was my friend above everything else. I always wanted him around, but was afraid he'd get loaded and leave me behind. That's funny. He didn't get loaded. But, he still left me in a way that hurts anymore. And right now, I don't know how to get past the part where he turned my back on him. I never knew Robert as the guy who would turn on me like that. And in all honesty I really don't want to.

I used to look in his eyes and see desire, fear, potential, and 100 other things. And now when I look into his eyes I see nothing. When he looks into my eyes I know that he sees he hurt me in a way he can never fix, so what is the point of trying? I think it's time for me to realize there's got to be more for me than these men I choose?

You want to know a little secret? I'll always have a place for Robert. Because, despite everything that's happened between us, I still care. I always will. I really give up this time. There's no reason to keep hanging on to someone who won't hang on to me...


"I miss who I thought you were.
I miss the friend who'd never let me down.
That’s the guy I miss.
I can't miss you...
I don't even know who you are anymore..."

I caved in...

I didn't mean to, but I did. My sponsor told me not to see Robert, text him, or talk to him on the phone. And I did it for almost two weeks. That's a long time. It felt like forever. It killed me to not answer his texts and to press the ignore button when he would call me. I can honestly say that I had never done that before. He called me yesterday. I don't know what made yesterday different than the other times he had left me messages. But, I found myself dialing the number I knew by heart.

"Hey beautiful, what's up?"

"I don't know. You tell me," I said icily, trying to play it cool.

"What have you been up to," he asked, completely ignoring my cold demeanor. Really shocking. NOT!

"I don't know. Staying clean, staying away from guys..."

"I miss you... I want to see you tonight..."

"I can't. You know I can't."

"Do you want to?"

"I can't..."

"That's not what I asked you," he said somewhat harshly.

"Ofcourse I do... But, I'm trying to not be around guys..."

"She gave you that stipulation because she doesn't want you to get high. Do I make you want to get loaded?"

"Are you trying to say everything's my fault?"

"It's always the woman's fault."

"Excuse me? What? So men, have no part in anything..."

"Exactly. "

"You need to shut up before I really beat your ass..."

"I look forward to it..."

"Robert, you are impossible!"

"I'll see you at your meeting tonight."

"No... I can't."

"Well, what are they going to do if I show up? They can't stop me from seeing you. I'll be there..."

I hung up with him feeling irritated, annoyed, but at the same time completely excited. I had missed him more than words can say. I gave you all the shortened version of the conversation. He got his car completely totaled last week. I wondered for a moment how he was going to get there. Then I remembered that this was Robert. If he wanted something he'd get it. I found myself smiling.

I went to my meeting. I cut my hair really short. I was worried if Robert would like it. Alea showed up. We embraced. I didn't see Robert. I told myself over and over again that I didn't care, that I wasn't dissapointed. I had even convinced myself. At the smoke break there he was. He smiled at me, but Alea embraced him first so I tried to get lost in the crowd of people.

"Where the fuck are you going," asked Robert gaining up on me.

"She's on man restriction," laughed Alea, we shared matching smiles.

"I didn't think you were going to come," I said.

"I told you that I would," he explained.

Then I was in his arms and I never wanted to be anywhere else. I clung onto him. I was safe and nothing and no one in this world could hurt me. And if they tried he'd kill them. I pulled him as close to me as possible. I laughed as he picked me up. God, I had missed him.

I studied him throughout the meeting when he wasn't looking at me. A voice in my head told me to be careful, that he would never be mine. That voice kept going and going. Then I asked it why not. It old me because if he was ever mine I wouldn't be able to keep him. I felt so sad. Then he texted me saying that I was beautiful and that he's glad he came to see me. Suddenly the voice in my head shut off because I had a stupid smile on my face.

After the meeting I was back in his arms. I knew in that moment it would kill me if I couldn't keep him. It would kill me ten times worse than it ever did with Mr. Wrong, whom I'm good friends with now, by the way. How the hell does that happen? Don't ask me. I couldn't tell you. Anyway we just stayed like that for a few moments.

"You need to go before I drag you into the bathroom..."

"Okay," I whispered as I stepped back from him.

He just stared at me as I stared at him. I wanted to remember him like this forever. I didn't want him to forget me. Did I tell you he's going away for about a month and a half. I am going to miss him so much.

"Goodbye, Robert..."

Then the wall was up as he nodded his head as he turned to talk with Alea and the man that she is dating. But, I knew he cared more than he ever meant to. I mean something to him. He came to see me. I don't even know how he got there. It doesn't matter. I'm going to miss him so, so, so much. I won't apologize for seeing him. I am greatful that I got to say goodbye. It would have killed me if I hadn't.

All I wanted was to say goodbye, to be in his arms again before he left, and to known that he still cared about me, that I still meant something to him. I got all of those things. It's all smoke and mirrors from here on out...

It's the going away for awhile...

that all but kills me. I know it's not that far. I'm acting as if I am going to some lock down rehabilitation center in fucking Utah. Now that would be enough for me to do so many drugs that I would overdose and fucking kill myself. I feel sorry for anyone who has been to Utah. What the hell am I talking about? That's where my future children will go if they decide they want to try to put me through the hell I put my mother through... No costly 60 day rehabs that don't do shit for them.

I am going to some sober living about a half an hour away. It's so structured that it might as well be a lock down facility. Half an hour might as well be the end of the world when your mother has taken your car away from you permanently. Who am I kidding? If I were my mother I'd take away the car and send me away too...

So, I will be without a computer after this weekend. It sucks. Robert promised that he would come and see me when I am off my first month restriction. I love that guy. I truly do. Things are about to change so dramatically and to be quite honest I am scared to death of that change. I truly am. I'm not gonna put on this brave face and say that I'm not. I'm terrified. But, I think that's okay...

Mr. Wrong and Alyssa are officially together now. You would think that that would have me in tears or what not, but to be perfectly honest it doesn't bother me. It's awkward being around them and watching them kiss. It's hard watching him hug her the way he did with me a couple of weeks ago. It's sometimes impossible not to wonder why he chose her over me. Sometimes I wonder why he didn't do anything with me when he had the chance. Tonight things weren't so strained between us.

I could look at him and feel this sense of greatfulness towards him. He walked away from me, but he left my dignity intact. How many women can say that about Mr. Wrong? A woman never leaves him with her disgnity intact. But, I did. And for that I am truly greatful to him. I no longer hate Alyssa. Alea and her have been there for me on a daily basis since I relapsed.

I feel somewhat sorry for Alyssa. How does she look like towards other people? One minute she's with one of the greatest guys I know and the next she's with Mr. Wrong. He has nothing. He doesn't have a job or a car. He has nothing to truly offer her. She's already telling him she loves him and everything. He says it back, but I can see he doesn't truly mean it. When does he ever? Him and I hugged tonight and I was no longer angry with him.

I love Alyssa, and all I could think was better her than me. I was spared all that. I get to work on myself and get someone who is worth so much more than Mr. Wrong. Thank God, is all I can say. Either things will work out with those two or they will end so fucking badly. Either way it is none of my fucking business. Thanks God, again. I wash my hands clean of that situation. I want no part in their downfall or that drama...

Speaking of Drama. Joey showed up tonight with his lady. And there was one moment where Joey had to walk by Mr. Wrong and Alyssa to talk to Jason. Kathryn and I waited for something to happen. Joey acted as if he couldn't even see Mr. Wrong. God damn. Kathryn and I were waiting for someone to throw a punch. Nothing happened. That is not a fight I would look forward to breaking up. Everyone would see where my loyalty lies. Joey. Hands down. No questions whatsoever.

I will miss all of you terribly. I really will. This blog has become like my child. Sometimes it feels as if when nothing is going right, or at least the way I want it to, I have this. I created this blog. I've nutured it. Yeah, you'll find I'm nothing more than a huge sap, or in Robert's words, too sentimental. I'll be blogging some more before I leave at the end of this weekend.

I think Jessica was right...

All I am doing is setting myself up for a fall that I am not ready or even willing to take. It's hard to know when you should let go or try harder. Well, I think I'm at the point where I know that I need to let go. But, at the same time I want to try harder because he's what I want for now...

So, I was talking with Kathryn at the meeting when Mr. Wrong approached us. He gave her a hug since he hadn't seen her in forever. Then Alea pulled up with Jane and Alyssa. He gives Alyssa the type of hug that he gave me the other day. I was simply spewing. He wouldn't hug me like that but he would with her? I thought he wasn't acting that way because his mother was around. Apparently that wasn't the case at all.

I realize why I can't stand Alyssa so much. It's not the fact that she irritates me to such a degree. Trust me. She does. It's the fact that every guy I ever like she gets her hooks into him. She deffinitely did it with Joey. Alyssa got him to be her boyfriend. And Jason did whatever she told him to. And now Mr. Wrong... It seems like he is falling for the same thing...

"If you're ever going to be hid girl you have to get used to him talking to other girls. He's a fine looking guy..."

"I know. And I wouldn't care if I was with him. It wouldn't bother me at all, but I'm not. And I don't think that I ever will be..."

She told me I have to mind fuck myself and make myself believe that I don't care, that it's not that he might not want me, but that I haven't decided if he's what I want, if he's good enough.

Later her and I were talking again. She told me she was going to discuss all of this with Mr. Wrong. I don't know why I went back inside and let her talk to him. She told him that I had feelings for him and that if he broke my heart that she would beat him up. He told her that he wouldn't. I don't know what that means now. Is he going to avoid me? What will happen?

"Be patient with him. He has high morals, high standards. I yelled at him about getting involved with Alyssa. I told him about how he and Joey did time together, and that he better not get with her. He'll leave her alone. Be his friend. He just got out of rehab. He needs a friend more than anything else..."

Now I just feel stuck. I don't know how to be his friend without asking him to hang out, or sounding just stupid. If I'm still gonna have anything to do with him I don't know how to stop the flirting. And if I can't do that my only choice is to get up and walk away from the situation. At that point if it's meant to be it'll happen. If it's not then it won't... Or maybe I'll just walk away to see if he'll try to stop me, and if he doesn't then fuck him...

I couldn't even talk to Robert that much tonight. It would have been too weird to flirt with Robert tonight. His baby's mama and his baby was there. Yeah, even I'm not that scandalous. I wouldn't put it past Alyssa, though. I fucking hate that bitch. I really do. I may deserve better than Joey, but Joey deserves better than Alyssa. I used to think him and Jessica should hook up...

He called me...

I was on the phone with Jessica earlier. I was so upset that he wasn't at the meeting. She was telling me to let him go, that I was inviting hell into my life that I was setting me up for a fall. I might be. But, incase you couldn't tell, that's not stopping any of this from happening...

She told me that he had gone to the other Wednesday meeting. That's the meeting almost everyone goes to except for Joey and I. Let's see. Jason goes with Jane. Alyssa goes with whoever will take her. Alea sometimes goes with Evan, who is her on and off again fuck buddy. I don't think I wrote about that one yet. My point is that all the girls I pretty much hate go to that meeting except for Jessica.

As she was telling me how good he looked and how well he seems to be doing I had all these images of Mr. Wrong being another guy these girls took from me. They took Joey and Jason... And the last thing I want is to lose Mr. Wrong to these rediculess girls...

After her and I hung up the phone I had all these images in my mind of them sucking him in and that my supposed hold on him would completely disappear. I could just imagine seeing him around them all the time and it would be as if I no longer existed. I imagined him being afraid to show such open affection towards me as he did Tuesday night. That thought made me so sad...

Anyway, I checked my voicemail and he had called me. The hugest smile made its way to my face. All thoughts of him forgetting about me disappeared as I heard him apologize for not showing up to the meeting. Then he said that he would call me back tomorrow...

I had to call him back, naturally. We had one of our normal conversations. By normal conversation I mean hidden sexual innuendos, arguing, insulting each other, which is always followed by us hysterically laughing. It sounds all so normal, right?

Nothing's changed between us. If anything when I see him tomorrow he'll be more affectionate than ever, at least it’s what I am hoping for. I am going to milk it for all its worth.

I just have to work on being a little bit nicer to Mr. Wrong. The physical attraction is definitely there. But, if I want him to like me more than that I have to work on a couple of things. I can’t wait until tomorrow…

On a personal note...

I realized I'm still really screwed up in the head. This whole year has honestly been about trying to change, trying to leave behind the person I was. I've said this once. I'll say it again. I used to do alot of drugs. I used to drink. Every teenager does, I suppose. But, not every teenager gets as out of control as I did. I've now been clean for a year. And, I realize I want that instant gratification.

I want to people to see how much I've changed, that I'm different now. But, more than anything I want my mother and I to have the relationship back that we did. It's not happening fast enough for me. I'm afraid we'll never being close again and to be honest it makes me want to break down and cry. To be honest just a step further I did break down and cry, all through today. I didn't even want to talk to her today... Fuck that I didn't want to talk to anyone. I went as far as to shut off my phone. I see that it's true what I heard someone once say to me...

"Wounds heal, but scars are forever..."

How did Alea being a fucking bitch and Joey a coward bring me to this realization? I'm not sure. Alea called Lea a whore last night, but I didn't find out about it until this morning. If it had been just that I would have let it go. But, I have been dealing with shit from Alea, Alyssa, and Jane for months. It's gotten to the point where enough is enough. I'm so sick of them acting like they love me to death and then fucking with me like this. It's fucking pathetic.

Alea didn't call Lea a whore because she really thought that. Ofcourse she didn't. She called her such a name because she wanted to get to me. If you have something to say to me come to my face and fucking say it or shut the hell up about it. But, don't you dare even think about hurting one of my Best friends to achieve it. She said alot of other fucked up shit about Lea that I don't even want to get into...

Joey, Joey, Joey... He was supposed to help me out with something yesterday. At the last moment he backed out because he was so worried about what Alyssa would say. There's nothing in this world I hate more than being vulnerable. But, I am just going to come out and say it. He really, really, hurt me, by not standing up for me... I thought he would, but he didn't. I'm dissapointed in him...

Why on earth would I want another dog...

I already have a beautiful pit bull. I don't need the human version of her. I really don't. That much is for certain. I've mentioned Allen before. I know that I have. It would be impossible for me to avoid such a thing as that. He is the most convenient man I know to use, abuse, and completely discard at anyone's earliest convenience. Lately he's been calling me and following me around like a pathetic puppy that you just can't seem to get rid of no matter how hard you may try. At least if I pet my dog for awhile and throw her a bone she'll leave my presence. Allen is not the same case, unfortunately...

As I wrote yesterday, Alyssa called me. She wanted to know if the rumors were true, if I was in fact seeing Allen. What a silly bint! How could she begin to imagine such a thing as possibly being true! Who could have come up with such a silly rumor as that? The very idea of it it's simply ludicrous. There's more of a chance that I'd marry Joey than ever go on a date with Allen. Even thinking of myself as married to Joey makes me want to hurl and not leave my house for days on end. You can imagine how vexed Alyssa must have been when I told her who'd I'd rather marry then ever be seen with Allen.

Allen has so many characteristics of a stalker that it truly amazes me. How can one man be that pathetic, if not completely desperate? I can't seem to get rid of him. Verona called me the other day. I'm sure you can only imagine how annoyed I was with the entire ordeal in the first place. She assumed I was after her ex- boyfriend. She's simply lost her mind, that one. I told her that I would never want to be so much as near him. I ventured further to ask her if she had seen what he looked like lately (never mind how he's always looked)? Then I ended the phone call with informing her that I would never take part in her sloppy seconds. Any woman would be a fool to involve herself with any man this woman has been with. God only knows what kind of diseases this woman has.

I’ve been thinking of Jason a lot lately, more than is probably healthy. I look at him and I see all the potential he possesses. It almost makes me sad as I watch him waste it and squander it on women who don’t see what he can truly do with it. He surrounds himself with so many silly women to say the least. I can’t think of a better way to describe Alyssa and Alea. Don’t even get me started on Jane. She’s so young and naïve. She can’t fully appreciate Jason for all that he could possibly offer.

At one point in time I wanted to mentor the poor girl. I don’t think I would have been met with much success. She would have been a waste of my time, or God only knows what she would have done with the information I would bestow to her angelic soul. I love watching her from afar, seeming to think she knows everything and that no one will knock her from that pedestal that she has placed herself upon.

Oh, what am I saying? She would never have the mentality to place herself at such a place. If I am to honestly look at this situation for what it truly is, Jason has placed her there. He has caused her to believe that she is more than she could ever hope to be. It takes a soul as wicked, twisted, and manipulative as mine to appreciate Jason’s work of art, so to speak.

I watch Jason’s smile with these different women. He smiles at all of them. They’ve all reported to me how sweet, lovely, and innocent he really is. What stupid women they truly are! They never see the smirk at the end of his smile, or the evil twinkle in his eyes. Only I do. And he knows this. That is why I was the first person he shared his transgressions against Jane with. He knew I would laugh and simply congratulate him on a job well done.

Sometimes I have to wonder why he surrounds himself with those idiotic women, instead of allying himself with the likes of me. He likes having women in his life he can play for a fool. These women can never begin to guess what cards he is holding in his hands. He knows I always know all his cards, as well as the future ones he will draw. I suppose people as wicked as ourselves should never work together for common vengeance. God only knows what would happen. Goodbye for now my darlings…

It's a new year...

Happy New Years everyone... I hope you had an amazing new years eve. I sure as hell know that I did. I was so upset with my adoptive mother about so many things that I didn't think that I would go out and do anything at all. How silly does that sound. It was New Year's Eve for Christ's sake. Am I the only person who notices how we make a bigger deal over the eve of New Years, than the day itself? Anyway, so I went to this New year's Eve party my friend Shayla was hosting. Almost everyone I know was there. Well, everyone but Jason, that is. Jane did seem somewhat upset. I wonder if there's already trouble in paradise? Well, one can only hope...

It was a really good party. I am going to give you the short version because I am really tired. Joey got in trouble with Alyssa because he said I looked pretty. She was shooting me daggers all night. Jane looked uncomfortable. Alea was being overly nice. Whatever. Jasmine was there and we were dancing. Sid got it all on camera. Who cares? He hates me all of a sudden or something. I suppose it's Alyssa's doing. She makes everyone feel so sorry for her too much of the time. It makes me nautious. What the hell are we to feel sorry about?

It's not my fault that she's fat and white trash. I can't possibly be held responsible for that. I suppose she hates me for being gorgeous. Once again, that's no fault of mine. She can kindly blame that one on my genetics. I don't know. I am getting so tired of her and the shit she continually pulls. She's so boring and everyone loves her. In my opinion she's about as fascinating as going to the zoo... Yawn... Boring... This quote is so her...






I'll finish the story later. Alyssa is actually calling me. I should answer and see what the hell she wants...

so, you want a soap opera?

How's this for a soap opera? I told Jane, Alea, and Alyssa something about this man, George, I had certain doings with at one point in time. Now, I do see my one mistake. The entire story wasn't true. But, I wanted to keep them from making the same mistakes that I had made. Why I wanted to do so is far beyond me. Perhaps I had a moment of weakness and decided to turn the other cheek. I don't understand it at all. They told everyone including the guy. It was this huge game of he said and she said. I was so angry and all but dropped off the face of the planet. I didn't talk to anyone for weeks. Well, I would talk to Jessica, Rashelle, and Naomi, but that was all. They have always been my trusted confidantes...

People watched me and were shock. Some of them even got the silly notion that I was done with drama. I suppose they thought I was on my way to settling down for a happy and boring existence. Then I did something. So, I'm adopted. I went and found my real mom. I have a younger sister who is just like me. It's unbelievable. There's enough drama there to keep it going. I'm visiting my biological mother right now. We're so much alike. Well, at least, now we know where I get my dramatic nature from... My sister and I want to write our very own soap opera. We most have enough life experience that we'll never need to pay writers! It's amazing really.

Last weekend I went out to celebrate with Jessica. She warned me to say that Alea, Jane, and Alyssa would be there. I looked fabulous. They saw me and smiled. I gave them a wider smile. I hugged and kissed all three of them. I told them how much I had missed them, and that we had to go for coffee soon. I even went as far as to hug and kiss George. I put everyone in a state of shock. But, it is what I live for...

So, let's see. Jason and Jane are back together. It's enough to make someone want to barf. How naive she is! I give it a couple months. And to think at one time I wanted to take her under my wing, teach her to be more like myself. She's not smart nor cunning enough. I shall not waste my time, energy, and efforts on something lacking potential. She lacks, finesse. My sister on the other hand has the potential to possess all of these qualities. She has so much potential.

Alyssa and Joey got back together. It leaves such a vulgar taste in my mouth. But, I see what no one else can. He no longer loves her. He probably just couldn't find anyone else willing to sleep with him. How pathetic they both are! They do deserve each other after all I'd say.

Well, my darlings that's all for now...

Musical chairs

I don't even know how to put everything that is going on in my life into words. I dropped out of college for now, work a job I simply loathe, and then some. But, where relationships are concerned my group of friends seem to be playing musical chairs. It would be amusing, I suppose, if you weren't me. At least that's what an observer has said. Amusing? I don't think so. Alyssa and Jason have been hanging out alot. I bet she's sleeping with him. All I can tell you is that I see Joey these days more than she does. How truly sad is that? People are starting to think that he likes me all over again. I will tell you one thing. There is absolutely no way I am going through that all over again. It's just not happening. Jason can do what he wants and so can Alyssa... But, if Joey gets hurt in the process I am going to be really upset. When push comes to shove I will defend Joey over Jason. There are no questions about it, none whatsoever...

Jason and I are going nowhere. We flirt, but he does that with alot of girls. He is nothing but a waste of time and energy. It's quite dissapointing because his level of potential is amazing. His words don't mean alot to me. He might as well just be a pretty boy and choose not to speak. It would make my life easier. So, let Jason and Alyssa do what they need to do. There's also another girl I believe Jason is interested in. Her name is Sammy. Let Alyssa deal with it, and see how it feels. I'm staying out of it. Who thought you would ever hear those words coming from me?

Sammy is alright. She's cute and quite friendly. She's really no match for me, but if Jason wants her, then I really don't want him anyway. I realize except for me he has no taste in women, at least not really. There's also a couple new girls who have joined our circle of friends. You won't be surprised to find that Jason was the first to welcome them with open arms. I mean that in a literal sense of the word.

One of them, Jane, happens to be Jason's ex girlfriend. I, surprisingly, adore her. She's a little bit awkward and rough around the edges, but her level of potential is what I see. I have taken her under my wing. Imagine what I can teach her. Jason seems less than thrilled with this turn of events. Do you think I really care? Ofcourse not. Then there is Alea. I like her a great deal. She is quite successful. She's just good friends with Alyssa. Not for long, though.

I have been nice to Alyssa, but she has got to watch her back. I'm not to be trifiled with. If she isn't careful I will take her man away, her friend, and even Jason. She's trying to take him from me. When it comes to taking things from me, I am simply ruthless. I will not apologize...