It's the going away for awhile...

that all but kills me. I know it's not that far. I'm acting as if I am going to some lock down rehabilitation center in fucking Utah. Now that would be enough for me to do so many drugs that I would overdose and fucking kill myself. I feel sorry for anyone who has been to Utah. What the hell am I talking about? That's where my future children will go if they decide they want to try to put me through the hell I put my mother through... No costly 60 day rehabs that don't do shit for them.

I am going to some sober living about a half an hour away. It's so structured that it might as well be a lock down facility. Half an hour might as well be the end of the world when your mother has taken your car away from you permanently. Who am I kidding? If I were my mother I'd take away the car and send me away too...

So, I will be without a computer after this weekend. It sucks. Robert promised that he would come and see me when I am off my first month restriction. I love that guy. I truly do. Things are about to change so dramatically and to be quite honest I am scared to death of that change. I truly am. I'm not gonna put on this brave face and say that I'm not. I'm terrified. But, I think that's okay...

Mr. Wrong and Alyssa are officially together now. You would think that that would have me in tears or what not, but to be perfectly honest it doesn't bother me. It's awkward being around them and watching them kiss. It's hard watching him hug her the way he did with me a couple of weeks ago. It's sometimes impossible not to wonder why he chose her over me. Sometimes I wonder why he didn't do anything with me when he had the chance. Tonight things weren't so strained between us.

I could look at him and feel this sense of greatfulness towards him. He walked away from me, but he left my dignity intact. How many women can say that about Mr. Wrong? A woman never leaves him with her disgnity intact. But, I did. And for that I am truly greatful to him. I no longer hate Alyssa. Alea and her have been there for me on a daily basis since I relapsed.

I feel somewhat sorry for Alyssa. How does she look like towards other people? One minute she's with one of the greatest guys I know and the next she's with Mr. Wrong. He has nothing. He doesn't have a job or a car. He has nothing to truly offer her. She's already telling him she loves him and everything. He says it back, but I can see he doesn't truly mean it. When does he ever? Him and I hugged tonight and I was no longer angry with him.

I love Alyssa, and all I could think was better her than me. I was spared all that. I get to work on myself and get someone who is worth so much more than Mr. Wrong. Thank God, is all I can say. Either things will work out with those two or they will end so fucking badly. Either way it is none of my fucking business. Thanks God, again. I wash my hands clean of that situation. I want no part in their downfall or that drama...

Speaking of Drama. Joey showed up tonight with his lady. And there was one moment where Joey had to walk by Mr. Wrong and Alyssa to talk to Jason. Kathryn and I waited for something to happen. Joey acted as if he couldn't even see Mr. Wrong. God damn. Kathryn and I were waiting for someone to throw a punch. Nothing happened. That is not a fight I would look forward to breaking up. Everyone would see where my loyalty lies. Joey. Hands down. No questions whatsoever.

I will miss all of you terribly. I really will. This blog has become like my child. Sometimes it feels as if when nothing is going right, or at least the way I want it to, I have this. I created this blog. I've nutured it. Yeah, you'll find I'm nothing more than a huge sap, or in Robert's words, too sentimental. I'll be blogging some more before I leave at the end of this weekend.