I wanted this...

But, I never thought that it would happen. I didn’t think that it would happen after Thursday and if it happened, not the way it has. Life feels so surreal right now, like a dream of sorts. I feel like a young teenager who has a crush for the first time all over again…

On Friday Mr. Wrong and I went on a walk. I wanted to talk to him about how upset I was over a family member who has passed away. We ended up talking about our Sobriety and just how far we’ve come from where we were once upon a time. He was talking about his relationships with the opposite sex.

How I didn’t know where the conversation was going is beyond me. He told me about how he had talked to Kathryn. My heart stopped beating for a moment. I was so embarrassed. I turned away from him for a moment. This was the last thing I really wanted to discuss.

“I know,” I replied.

“And I’m thinking that you and she had the exact same conversation…”

“I don’t want to discuss it,” I said facing him.

“Why not?”

“I don’t want things to be awkward between us…”

“Why would things be awkward between us?”

“I don’t know…”

“We’re both adults. We should be able to talk about it. How old are you?”

“Nineteen…”

“Besides it could make things better between us…”

He pulled me into a hug. I held on to him tightly as I wrestled inside myself. I sighed deeply as I gently pulled away from him.

“Are my feelings one sided?”

He looked at me in a way that he never has before. It sort of scared me. He looked somewhat emotional and not as cautious as he usually is. I couldn’t believe that any of this was happening…

“No… I’m going to let my guard down a little bit here…”

I just stared at him, waiting for him to continue. Now this really wasn’t happening. I couldn’t stop the small smile that made its way onto my face. He had fucking feelings for me.

“I got burned in a past relationship. All the rumors you have heard about me are true. But, I’m not like that anymore. I’m not going to hurt you.”

“Good. I don’t want to be hurt by you. Kathryn would kick your ass if you kicked my ass…”

“Yeah she would…” he laughed.

“You can trust me. I’m not going to hurt you,” I promised.

“She’s like our councilor…”

I looked at him as if he had slightly lost his mind. He grinned at me as he pulled me into another hug. This was our longest hug thus far. When he pulled away he had this unreadable expression on his face. I thought he was going to kiss me but he didn’t.

“You take my breath away,” was all he said.

I can’t get that out of my head. I take his fucking breath away from him. I don’t know what’s going to happen. I realize that neither one of us is ready to be together, so we’ll have to see what happens. I wanted him to feel the same way. I wanted him to care. But, I wasn’t sure that he could or that I would ever be enough to make it happen… I don’t know if we’ll ever be in a relationship, we’ll see what happens… All I know is I get the chills when I am around him…