The gossip...

Since that was the original intention of this blog. Let's see what is going on in the world I live in...

I saw the girl Robert chose after things didn't work out with his child's mother. She couldn't believe that he had baby mama drama. I really wanted to ask her how she couldn't know that? How stupid can one person really get?

Alyssa didn't invite me to her party last weekend. That's shocking. I think she's still somewhat upset over the fact that I slept with Mr. Wrong last summer. Whatever. Speaking of Mr. Wrong...

I saw Mr. Wrong tonight and he looked at me with those eyes. Yeah, I'm throughly convinced that those eyes will draw me into him until the day I die, or at least until I no longer know him. Sometimes he gives me a look and I think he wishes that he had chose differently. Fuck, if I were with Alyssa, I'd wish I had chosen the girl working the corner...

Amos came out of the closet. Such a pity. I really wanted to have him for a night or so. It could have been fun. He told me even if he primarily wants men, he'd make an exception for me. Gee, how did I ever get so lucky?

Jasmine's in rehab. I do miss her quite a bit. She always was the younger version of me.

Jason hasn't been around lately. There is a rumor around that he's dealing crack. Interesting. But, not likely.

I haven't heard shit about Robert. There's probably not much to say there. Will he choose this new girl on the scene or his baby's mama? The soap opera will one day unfold. Sooner than later, I expect.

Alea is still pining for the one in jail. Boring. No one knows what's going on with Jane, really. They tel me she's doing well. Even more boring. They tell me how happy Alyssa is, well except she's unhappy with me. Do you think I care? Not a chance in hell?

Haven't heard a thing about Mr. X in forever. I think he's now in the Marines. No one cares about Mr. Unmentionable really. He became boring as well as useless after he settled down with his trailer trash. Someone get in a fight or cheat on your significant other, please. I need more gossip. Well, there are two bits I won't leave out...

The first one is that for some reason (from what I hear) Alyssa is worried that Mr. Wrong is cheating on her or will sleep with me again. He did give me that smile tonight. But, whatever. I doubt I would ever go there with him again. I'm not saying it would never happen... But, you know what they say... Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me...

Jeff and I are on speaking terms once more. We've been texting and talking alot more than we probably should. Oh, well, what can I say? In case you could not tell, I have difficulty allowing the past to be the past. We'll see what happens. One thing I can say, this summer should be interesting...

I'm only human...

And sometimes I get to this point where I don't want to deal with anything or anyone. I push everyone away because I don't want them to hurt me. I put this wall up that no one can get through. I used to be cynical, sarcastic, yet deadly beautiful. Everyone loved me. Now I'm just this hurt person who doesn't want to deal with anyone because I'm tired of getting smashed to the ground everytime.

I was the queen bee, and now Alyssa is. The one thing she doesn't know is that the tiara is made of glass. When you're running with our crowd, it slips off breaking into a million pieces taking your heart with it. I don't want to be the queen bitch anymore, but I don't want to be alone either.

I saw Joey tonight. I looked at him. All I could think was who the hell is this guy, now? I don't know him. Yeah, there's a pattern. Apparently I don't know any of these men I thought I did. Anyway, He's charming, somewhat standoffish, and he's become gorgeous. Then a sad smile made its way to my face. He's what I used to be. I probably made him that way. I hugged him and walked away. I ran to my car, drove home, and broke down in tears.

There's been so much pain in my life. All I wanted my entire life was someone to fix me, someone to love me. I just wanted someone to really accept me for who I am. I just wanted to feel like I belonged somewhere. And no matter how many people were around me, I was just this lonely girl, who did drugs. I've always looked to a guy to fix me. This whole getting clean journey. First it started with Jeff, then Mr. Unmentionable, Joey, Bob, Jason, Mr. Wrong, Robert, and the list goes on. You want to know the sick truth?

I never truly cared about any of them. I lied to myself and made myself believe I did because then it made what I was doing okay. And what I was doing was looking to them to fix what is so twisted inside of me. If I got them to be mine, to really care about me, then maybe I was worth something. I would have gone to hell and back if they had said it would impress them? You want to know why I'm angry, hurt, and have put myself in isolation. None of them are hurt by me at all. They are all living their lives, without me. I'm the one who has to deal with the guilt, shame, and humiliation. And the worst part is I have no one to blame for it, but myself. I do it to myself everytime because I want to be loved. I seek the one thing that humans want and deserve, but from all the wrong places.

I've seen women behave like this my entire life. I always told myself I was never going to be like that. I was going to be strong, independent, and I wasn't going to need or depend on anyone else. I just wasn't going to be like those other women, you know?

And now sitting in this room I'm left with me, you know? I am tired of writing out ym feelings and talking about them. Everything hurts. It hurts and it's shameful when you realize you failed the aspirations of that little girl who wanted the world on the platter, and became everything you promised yourself you would never be.

I let myself down. Why am I even posting this? I suppose because this is real life. And it's not pretty and glamorous all the time. Behind the money, the expensive clothing, is a girl dying to break free. That's who I am. But, nobody knows that...

"The courage to be who I truly am, may be the hardest thing that I have ever done in life..."

I'm still in a state of shock...

I cannot remember the last time I was this shocked. I think I would have been less shock if someone told me that for a living Alyssa was a stripper. What am I talking about? If anything that is to be expected.

Every single Sunday night I go to this one meeting with my sponsor. I was talking to Nelly on the phone before the meeting as I smoked a cigarette. And from the corner of my eye I thought I saw Robert in the dark talking with some of my other friends. He comes out of the shadows. And low and behold its Mr. mother fucking Wrong. I of course ended my phone call with Nelly. I had to make sure I was not seeing things.

As you might imagine my heart came to a complete stop. I just looked at him and he looked at me. He didn't come over but just kept on staring at me in the most unnerving way. He then smirked at me and walked on over.

"Hello..."

"What you aren't going to give me a hug," I asked.

He scooped me up in his arms and he hugged me. Then we began wrestling like we did in his treatment facility.

"I can get you back properly since I'm not at the facility right now..."

Then he pulled me into his arms and I was struggling my hardest against him. I ended up propelling him against my friend's car. There we were in that moment. He was up against the car and I was against him, almost as close as humanly possible. My friend made a comment and I was forced to put away.

"You better watch it. I'm going to kick your ass..."

"You keep saying that," he insisted.

"I will. Oh, wait you might like that."

I smiled as I noticed recognition light up in his eyes. He remembered that conversation we had had. I had to get out of there for a minute. I seriously felt as if I was suffocating at that point in time. I called Nelly as I walked away far enough so that he could not here me.

"He's here..."

"Who's here?"

I quickly explained to Nelly what was going on. I told her I may have to come see her sooner than I thought I would have. I also told her about the fact that he would be home in fifteen days. Fifteen mother fucking days! What happened to May? I liked the sound of May... I really did.

"I love you too," mimicked Mr. Wrong from a couple feet away.

"Oh, god I hope you don't," I chastised.

He followed me as I walked into the meeting. He even sat across from my sponsor and I. All throughout the meeting he would give me these looks where I swore I couldn't breathe. They were worse than the ones that Robert would give me. They are too much to handle.

Anyway, during the meeting Mr. Wrong shared. And then Robert shared. Then something happened that I never thought would. Mr. Wrong broke down in tears. He had his hands over his eyes so that no one could see him. As Robert shared I could tell he was on the verge of tears. He told Mr. Wrong that he loved him and that he was proud of him. It almost brought me to tears. I was happy when the smoke break came.

I went to talk to two girls that I had never seen at the meeting. I figured that if I can't completely obey my 60 day man restriction I could at least show my sponsor that I was reaching out to women, and wanted them in my life.

"Hi, I'm Esther. It's so good to see him do well. I'm his ex girlfriend. I've visited him a couple of times at his treatment facility..."

As Esther told me all of this my heart literally stopped beating once more. I closely inspected her as I made sure I had a warm and welcoming expression on my face. This was an ex girlfriend of his? Which one? There had been so many in his past.

Then I noticed she was somewhat heavy weight. I looked at her car and that she clearly had money by the way she was dressed. It all finally made some sort of sense to me. This was the girl he had lived with. This was who I was running against. It shouldn't be that difficult. I am a great deal more beautiful than she is. But, if anything I've learned from Alyssa and Jane that looks are not always everything. Sometimes feelings go past that.

After the meeting she took my number. Then she gave Mr. Wrong two huge hugs before leaving. She told him to call her when he got out. He said that he would. As she left I did the same thing. He smiled because he knew what I was doing. I told him I am looking forward to hanging out with him. He actually called me baby. Then I gave him one final long hug and a kiss on the cheek. He got in the car and waved at me. I winked. I've made up my mind...

I haven't made a true play for someone in three years. When I pull out all the stops I get the man every time. I am going to make the biggest play for Mr. Wrong. If Esther wants to compete go ahead. I've decided he's going to be mine. She's going to actually find out what happens when you cross me and I deal with you.

I've made it clear to Mr. Wrong I am interested. I am well aware that he is also interested. I'm going to fight this time for what I want. Winner takes all. This could be the biggest game of all in the end. What's the ending goal? A player's heart. I already know what I am going to tell Mr. Wrong.

"I like you and I know you like me. I can see it in your eyes every time you look at me. You want me. Whatever is going on with Esther has to end. If you need to figure things out with her, if you want to start things up with her you need to do that. Just leave me out of it. Either you get me or you get her. And if you choose me I want you for myself. I'm not going to share you with anyone. If you can't do that, then you can't. We can still be friends. I think we're good as friends as well. But, if you want me that's how it has to be. I'll accept nothing less, because I know what I deserve..."

Those are my conditions. He gets me or he just doesn't. It's entirely up to him. I feel good. For once I am not going to place expectations on a person because they'll know up front where I stand. No preconceptions or miscommunications.

I'm not even expecting that he will choose me. I am hoping he will. This time I am not going to accept less than I want from a guy. I did that with Joey, Bob, Mr. X, Mr. Unmentionable, and believe me the list could go on or not.

I'm letting go...

I've come to a place in my life where I realize I can't have either Mr. Wrong or Robert. So, as of this moment I am going to leave the both of them alone. Neither one of them are in a place as of now to give me what I want or deserve. And if they can't give me either of those two things what is the point? I realize flirting with the both of them is playing with fire to the greatest degree. All I am going to do in the end is get hurt. I don't want to get hurt, you know? I don't want what happened with Mr. Unmentionable to happen. All of that occured about a year ago...

I put so much emotional energy into him. I really thought that he was what I wanted. I was willing to put it all on the line for him. I never once stopped to think about him. Was he going to do the same? Would he care about me in the same capacity that I was going to care about me in the same fashion? Did he want what I wanted, or was I going to have to be forced to settle for what he wanted, instead of what I deserved, because he was unwilling to give me those things? To tell you the truth I never once thought about any of those things.

I suppose it's the here and now that counts. I'm thinking about those things now. I'm thinking about what will happen in the future. I am going to take my sponsor's suggestion and go on a 60 day man restriction. Holy shit. Can I actually do it? Well, we're all about to find out. Stay tuned. Shit's about to go down around here

Mr. Unmentionable returns...

Lea and I used to call him the unmentionable because of all the things he has done. The two of us decided that he doesn't even deserve to be called by his given name. But, sometimes we can't help but talk about him. There's just so much to say where he is concerned that it's quite unbelievable. Well, it would be if we were discussing someone who isn't him. Until recently we called him the unmentionable, Mr. Unmentionable to be precise. A couple of weeks ago I realized calling him by that name gave a sense power to him and to everything he had done. So, I began calling him by his given name once more. But, on here... I'll just call him Mr. Unmentionable. It makes things so much easier on me. It really does.

I can't believe he has returned. Well, of course I can. I just didn't really want to know anything about it, at all. There is a first time for everything, I'll tell you. It was bound to happen sooner or later. People in the armed services have to have pay leave. Why they do, I'm sure that I will never understand. They should just make them stay there the entire four or eight years away from their family. I know it's cruel and completely unlawful but then he would have never hurt me so deeply. Alright, so they should give everyone else leave, just not him. If he did not have leave that year he never would have done what he did what that stupid girl. I can still remember that morning as if it were yesterday... I'm sure it will always be in my memory somewhere for the rest of my life... It's not the sort of thing a woman forgets very easily. I can't think of one woman who forgets a sense of betrayal very easily...

I walked into his room that morning. He wasn't exactly what you'd call alone. I expected him to be all on his own. We were casually dating after all. We had kissed for the first time in months. He actually regretted it. He should have told me right away he just considered me as a friend and wanted nothing else to do with me. Perhaps we could have saved our three year long friendship at that point. There would have been a chance at such a thing. But, he had to behave as a young boy did. He began avoiding me. He led me on. And that morning he wasn't exactly in his bed on his own.

I remember looking at her, sizing her up. I tried to find some sort of plausible reason why I had been replaced by her. If I could have found one I may have come to an understanding of sorts about the entire ordeal. I continued to look at her. But, the only thought that ran through my head was that I was a great deal prettier than her. If her beauty had over powered mine it probably would have hurt twice as much as it did. But, I would have understood it at least on some level. But, I couldn't understand anything except that there was a knife being drawn into my heart.


At first I didn't feel anything. I was in a complete state of shock. It's difficult to say who was more shocked Mr. Unmentionable, Lea, or me. Of course the girl laying in bed with him had absolutely no idea what was going on. I remember sitting in Lea's car that morning. I wanted to cry, but no tears would come. I couldn't fathom it. Why weren't they coming? I was overwhelmed. I wanted to get drunk and forget everything. But, at that point I had been sober for over sixty days. I wasn't going to give that up for him.

When I was drenched in that sense of betrayal, anger, and pain I realized why I wasn't crying and creating a scene for all to watch. A woman in pain knows the show must go on. And in that moment in time, though I didn't quite realize it, I was beginning to grow up. I was eighteen years old then. Even I didn't know it at that point in time. That was the day I began to grow up. That day I learned that life wouldn't always go my way. I could lie and manipulate things if I wanted to. Those two things still didn't guarantee that I would always get my way.

I believe that day I came to a place of self acceptance. Though he had hurt me beyond words I had kept that sense of dignity and pride. Sometimes those are the only two things that a woman has to hold onto. And hold onto those two things, I did with all my might.

When I came out of the sense of utter shock I looked him in the eyes. Then I picked up my purse that I had left on his table. I didn't say one more word to him before I walked out of his room, out of his life forever. I think he saw by the way I looked into his eyes that I wasn't coming back. Nothing he could say or do would ever fix what he had done to me...