I don't think...

I've cried as much as I have today in forever. I realize that this isn't goodbye forever, but it's goodbye to everything being the same. I realize once I leave nothing will ever be the same again. Things have already changed dramatically and I haven't left yet. Today I did so much packing and had to put away things I just can't take with me. It's hard to leave this place behind, this place that has become the soap opera that I'm one of the stars of.

I was with my mom tonight and I cried and cried and cried. Then my sponsor along with Mr. Wrong, Allen, Amos, Jasmine, Robert, and Alyssa were there. And when I saw all of them I cried even harder. I thought that I would never stop.

I wish my mother could have met the twins under different circumstances. I was surprised that she simply adored the both of them. They both gave her hugs and kisses on both cheeks. But, I think the reason why my mom liked them so much is how they handled me. They both gathered me in their arms and told me that it would all be okay, and they would see me when I got off my one month restriction at the place.

Tommorow will be even worse, I know it. I already know that I will be in complete tears the entire way there. There's no doubt in my mind about all of that. It's just hard saying goodbye to the place you swear you want to blow up, but will miss more than words. It's hard saying a temporary goodbye to the people half of the time you swear you hate, but know that deep down you'd be simply lost without them. The hardest thing, is to leave all you know to try something different. That's the hardest part, I'd say.

As a side note, that was the first time that Robert has ever seen me cry. I don't think he quite knew what to make of it all at first. I'll write one last entry tommorow. And then I won't be blogging for quite some time, and when I do, it will be here and there...

Dissapointment...

I feel sorely dissapointed right now. I expected Mr. Wrong to be at my meeting tonight and he didn't show up. Neither did his brother. I expected to see the both there. I don't even know why I am this upset over it. I didn't see Mr. Wrong for five months. Why the hell am I tripping so terribly over a day. I'm just worried that maybe he hung out with Esther or some other girl I don't even want to think about...

Then I sat here with my thoughts and wondered if he got loaded. That's probably the last thing that happened. I don't know why he didn't show up, but I'm worried that maybe it was me. Maybe he didn't want to see me. How rediculess does that sound?

We were all over eachother last night. How the hell is that going to change in less than 24 hours? I doubt that it's going to. We were acting like a couple last night. I spent time in his arms and I loved it. I don't want to lose that feeling. But, what if there's nothing I can do to stop that from happening? What if I can't have him no matter what I do? The thought of that practically kills me inside...

Allen made a sexual inuendo tonight and all I wanted was for the twins to be there. It wouldn't have mattered to me which one at that point. He behaves around them. I barely wanted any other guy to hug me tonight? You think Mr. Wrong feels like that for a second? Absolutely not. I'll bet I'm just another girl to him, another willing body to hold...

It sucks knowing someone means something to you and there is a low chance that you come anywhere near meaning that to them. I just want to mean alot to him. I want to be his. And I doubt that will happen. I want it to more than anything. But, are things really over with Esther? I want them to be, but you can't always have what you want. I just want to see him, god damn it...

The Silent Period...

I haven't heard from Mr.Wrong since I saw him. I want to talk to him so badly, god damn it. It's almost to the point where it is painful. He has this way of always making me smile. I didn't realize how much I missed the way he used to make me smile. I haven't seen him in five days. And it feels as if its been a lifetime. I want to see him more than words can stay. Rashelle had to help me do be positive afirmations today where Mr. Wrong is concerned.

Rashelle helped me realized that Mr. Wrong will never be able to do better than me. I am beautiful and he knows it. She told me that I have to go into this as if I am going to get exactly what I want from him, and act as if he's crazy to not want me on that level. Besides, Mr. Wrong is the only one who can stop this thing that is beginning to happen with Robert. I think it's beginning to go further than I ever intended it to go.

I wanted a flirtatous relationship with Robert from the beginning. He reminded me of his brother. I also wanted to use him to make Mr. Wrong jealous, if possible. I never meant to have real feelings for him. I never meant for him to be someone in my life that I would miss beyond words if they were no longer around.

I realize Joey and I have come to a place where we can completely become true friends again. I no longer resent him at all anymore. That makes me so happy. We were wrestling tonight when Robert pulled up. Robert gave me a small hug and then went to go with Jasmine's sister to go pick her up. I felt so sad that he barely acknowledged me. If I'm to be honest, I felt this sense of devestation over take me.

When he came back some new guy tried to hug me and I was not having it. If I don't feel safe around you, if you are not in my circle per ce I don't give you a real hug. That's just how it is. Robert was looking at me strangely, surprised that I was barely hugging him. So, then, I walked over to Robert and gave him a strong hug. He had a huge smile on his face. I felt as if the balance had been restored once more.

I walked with Robert to his car. I wanted to give Allen a hug. He may be a loser, but sadly he is in my circle. Plus, he got himself a girlfriend. What an accomplishment, I must say! Who is this girl? I'm putting my money on the fact that she was recently released from the mental hospital or prison.

"Bye, Robert..."

He gave me a longer hug. I began walking him back, attempting to trip him and he wouldn't let me. I lightly growled. He then started laughing as I tried harder. I was so frusterated. This was almost worse than my sparring match with Joey earlier. He then picked me up and I squealed.

"Stop that, Robert..."

"You love it."

"Says who?"

"I do."

Then we shared one of our smiles. He then shook his head. That's what he always does when he feels as if he's letting down his guard around me. But, it's less and less these days, I've noticed. That makes me happy.

"You better leave before I kidnap you..."

"Oh, really, Robert?"

"Then again you might like that..."

I had a flashback of a conversation I had had with Mr. Wrong once last summer. We had been talking about hurting eachother, and how painful sex was always the very best. I told him that I was going to beat him up. He grinned at me. And then I told him that he might like it. He smiled at me and told me that he would. Oh, god help me. I'm head over heels for the both of them. Why can't they be the same person?

Apparently I'm too Sentimental...

That’s what Robert told me last night when we were all out dancing. I wish that Mr. Wrong could have been there because I know he would have been on the floor with me. Anyway, when I got Robert out on the dance floor eventually he was behind me. He took my hand in his as we danced with each other. He told me that I needed not to be so sentimental. Then Allen practically asked me out later that night.

I gave Allen an innocent smile and told him no. I walked away and into Robert who was trying his hardest not to laugh at the entire situation. It was rather laughable if you ask me. Then I claimed my innocent nature towards Robert. I don’t think I’ll forget for a very long time what he told me.

“You can be as innocent as you want to be. I really don’t care about that. Just don’t forget that you were a dope fiend…”

His comment about me being sentimental really bothered me for some reason. Robert said it after he had smacked my ass. He even took my hand in his and lightly slapped it. It felt as if he was punishing a child. I don’t want him to see me in that way. I just felt really ashamed and embarrassed. It’s difficult to explain it.

It felt as if Robert was avoiding me last night. He hugged me at the beginning of the night, but after that it was as if he didn’t want to talk to me. I felt as if he was struggling to push me away, out of his life. He doesn’t want to let me in. I think I scare him on some level.

Then I thought about what if his brother views me the same way, as someone who is too emotional. What if his brother decides that he wants nothing to do with me as well? That is almost too much for me to think about…

I want Mr. Wrong in a very big way. I want him to call me this week. But, I’m not sure that he is going to. It doesn’t stop me from wanting him to. I realize that if I want a future with Mr. Wrong on any level I have to let Robert push me away too. It’s not what I want, but it’s the way that it has to be.

I really feel as if I’ve completely lost my mind. I thought that I didn’t know what I was doing before, but I realize that I truly don’t now. I may not get either one of them. I think I am going back to bed. I’m in such a terrible mood right now. I don’t know how to get out of it…

Things were so Weird last Night

I was so sick last night and Robert was acting strange. He would talk to me for a few seconds and then act as if I didn’t exist, as if he didn’t know me. The two of us were talking with Allen. He said he loved me, which caused Allen to raise his eyebrows in complete shock. Robert laughed.

“You love her,” questioned Allen in complete shock.

“No, I got love for her. You know the only person I love is my daughter…”

“Love will destroy someone,” I commented.

Robert looked somewhat impressed with my deduction. I knew he agreed. He looked at me for a moment.

“The two of us are talking…”

I smiled flirtatiously at Robert before walking away to allow them to discuss whatever it is they needed to talk about. It was all very strange. It was as if he wanted me around but at the same time wanted me to go as far away as humanly possible.

Jasmine said she thinks he’s trying to avoid me because he has feelings for me. I have feelings for him too, no matter what I want to think is true. But, it can’t go anywhere. It really can’t. As much as I have feelings… it’s just the last thing that either of us really need. Robert and Mr. Wrong know how to confuse a girl, twist her up from the inside out… They truly do…

By the end of the night I felt as if I was about to puke at the very least. I felt somewhat dizzy. It’s strange because I haven’t gotten sick in such a very long time. I hate it. I truly do. Someone make it go away. It sucks. Before I left Robert came up to me…

“You’re leaving without saying goodbye?”

“I’m not feeling well, so I am going to go home…”

“Okay…”

“Alright, I’ll see you.” I began to walk away from him.

“You’re not going to give me a hug goodbye?”

“I’m getting sick. I don’t want you to catch it…”

“Who cares?”

He gave me a tight hug as usual and I couldn’t help but smile, as I usually do when he hugs me. I realize I am way over my head with the both of them. What do I think I am doing?

I mean, have I even thought about what will happen when they are both in the same location, supposing that that ever happens? I’m sure I have, once or twice. But, what will be, will be. Alyssa told me that. How fucking funny is that?

What would I do without Nelly, who always shows and tells me how to live? She’s had to put up with all my dramatic antics. Poor girl. What am I saying? I believe she rather enjoys it all…

Why on earth would I want another dog...

I already have a beautiful pit bull. I don't need the human version of her. I really don't. That much is for certain. I've mentioned Allen before. I know that I have. It would be impossible for me to avoid such a thing as that. He is the most convenient man I know to use, abuse, and completely discard at anyone's earliest convenience. Lately he's been calling me and following me around like a pathetic puppy that you just can't seem to get rid of no matter how hard you may try. At least if I pet my dog for awhile and throw her a bone she'll leave my presence. Allen is not the same case, unfortunately...

As I wrote yesterday, Alyssa called me. She wanted to know if the rumors were true, if I was in fact seeing Allen. What a silly bint! How could she begin to imagine such a thing as possibly being true! Who could have come up with such a silly rumor as that? The very idea of it it's simply ludicrous. There's more of a chance that I'd marry Joey than ever go on a date with Allen. Even thinking of myself as married to Joey makes me want to hurl and not leave my house for days on end. You can imagine how vexed Alyssa must have been when I told her who'd I'd rather marry then ever be seen with Allen.

Allen has so many characteristics of a stalker that it truly amazes me. How can one man be that pathetic, if not completely desperate? I can't seem to get rid of him. Verona called me the other day. I'm sure you can only imagine how annoyed I was with the entire ordeal in the first place. She assumed I was after her ex- boyfriend. She's simply lost her mind, that one. I told her that I would never want to be so much as near him. I ventured further to ask her if she had seen what he looked like lately (never mind how he's always looked)? Then I ended the phone call with informing her that I would never take part in her sloppy seconds. Any woman would be a fool to involve herself with any man this woman has been with. God only knows what kind of diseases this woman has.

I’ve been thinking of Jason a lot lately, more than is probably healthy. I look at him and I see all the potential he possesses. It almost makes me sad as I watch him waste it and squander it on women who don’t see what he can truly do with it. He surrounds himself with so many silly women to say the least. I can’t think of a better way to describe Alyssa and Alea. Don’t even get me started on Jane. She’s so young and naïve. She can’t fully appreciate Jason for all that he could possibly offer.

At one point in time I wanted to mentor the poor girl. I don’t think I would have been met with much success. She would have been a waste of my time, or God only knows what she would have done with the information I would bestow to her angelic soul. I love watching her from afar, seeming to think she knows everything and that no one will knock her from that pedestal that she has placed herself upon.

Oh, what am I saying? She would never have the mentality to place herself at such a place. If I am to honestly look at this situation for what it truly is, Jason has placed her there. He has caused her to believe that she is more than she could ever hope to be. It takes a soul as wicked, twisted, and manipulative as mine to appreciate Jason’s work of art, so to speak.

I watch Jason’s smile with these different women. He smiles at all of them. They’ve all reported to me how sweet, lovely, and innocent he really is. What stupid women they truly are! They never see the smirk at the end of his smile, or the evil twinkle in his eyes. Only I do. And he knows this. That is why I was the first person he shared his transgressions against Jane with. He knew I would laugh and simply congratulate him on a job well done.

Sometimes I have to wonder why he surrounds himself with those idiotic women, instead of allying himself with the likes of me. He likes having women in his life he can play for a fool. These women can never begin to guess what cards he is holding in his hands. He knows I always know all his cards, as well as the future ones he will draw. I suppose people as wicked as ourselves should never work together for common vengeance. God only knows what would happen. Goodbye for now my darlings…

The weekend update... unless something devestating happens

It is Friday morning. I do not have much time to give you today. I still have yet to pack. My room is simply a fright. Don’t ask me how it happened once more. Later in the afternoon I am going to lunch with some of my girlfriends. In the early evening I have plans with my family. Friday late night belongs to a certain group of people, unfortunately. So I shall just give you an update on some of the people who we’ve already discussed…

Who knows what is going on with Alyssa? She was probably busy sucking off Joey last night. What other purpose could she possibly serve where he is concerned? I cannot think of one. If you can possibly come up with a plausible one do us all a favor and contact the media at your earliest convience.

I suppose that this would bring us to Joey. I called him last night when I was on the road. I needed directions to a particular location. He seemed somewhat hurt that that was the only reason I was calling. I do not care. Did he expect me to call and tell him all about the going ons in my life? I don’t think so…

Mr. X and his girlfriend, Rhea, are having problems. She suspects that he has not completely been faithful to her. What was the twit’s first clue? Don’t answer that question. I’m not sure that I am quite prepared to know the true level of her stupidity. Lea of course was very unsupportive towards his situation. He was surprised that she was being such a bitch. I could have told him that one…

I haven’t seen Verona since she dumped Allen. I did see Allen last night though. He looked completely devastated, even heartbroken. Perhaps he missed being yelled at and having to baby-sit her children at any given moment?

That is it for now. But, if something devestating happens I will be forced to make time in my busy weekend to tell you all about it...

The Distasteful Drama Queen

I never have quite comprehended how they go about it. Some drama queens just do not know how to carry themselves in a respectful manner. They cause those they are associated with to look down on them as well as their actions. Perhaps it’s because they lack beauty as well as poise. No matter what I do I gain an audience and the women involved, the ones that matter anyway, rally to my cause. Verona, as we will call her, is a distasteful drama queen. Some of the women in my life were talking about her this morning. She has children at such a young age. She has a boyfriend as well as a girlfriend. She has chosen to involve herself with Allen. She has included him in every single one of her affairs. She leaves her children at any given moment with this young man. I for one do not understand how men will put up with the bullshit of a young woman who doesn’t have any prospects. Perhaps, it is because they are so very similar. I do not know.

She has caused quite the uproar from what has been told to me. I think we should all ignore her, pass her by, and continue on with the quality of our lives. Yes, I am quite sure she is a backstabbing silly girl. No one is disputing this particular factor. There are so many these days that it is turning into a trend of sorts. It’s all so nauseating and simply boring, really. They are all quite the same. If you’re going to do something gravely inappropriate or behave in a scandalous manner, at least carry yourself in a way where everybody watching, cannot predict the ending. At least in that manner, people will be forced to admire you. Can we admire this distasteful drama queen? I think not. In this case I believe we may be forced to condemn her actions… If someone admires her I would be forced into considering the source of the admiration…