I'm only human...

And sometimes I get to this point where I don't want to deal with anything or anyone. I push everyone away because I don't want them to hurt me. I put this wall up that no one can get through. I used to be cynical, sarcastic, yet deadly beautiful. Everyone loved me. Now I'm just this hurt person who doesn't want to deal with anyone because I'm tired of getting smashed to the ground everytime.

I was the queen bee, and now Alyssa is. The one thing she doesn't know is that the tiara is made of glass. When you're running with our crowd, it slips off breaking into a million pieces taking your heart with it. I don't want to be the queen bitch anymore, but I don't want to be alone either.

I saw Joey tonight. I looked at him. All I could think was who the hell is this guy, now? I don't know him. Yeah, there's a pattern. Apparently I don't know any of these men I thought I did. Anyway, He's charming, somewhat standoffish, and he's become gorgeous. Then a sad smile made its way to my face. He's what I used to be. I probably made him that way. I hugged him and walked away. I ran to my car, drove home, and broke down in tears.

There's been so much pain in my life. All I wanted my entire life was someone to fix me, someone to love me. I just wanted someone to really accept me for who I am. I just wanted to feel like I belonged somewhere. And no matter how many people were around me, I was just this lonely girl, who did drugs. I've always looked to a guy to fix me. This whole getting clean journey. First it started with Jeff, then Mr. Unmentionable, Joey, Bob, Jason, Mr. Wrong, Robert, and the list goes on. You want to know the sick truth?

I never truly cared about any of them. I lied to myself and made myself believe I did because then it made what I was doing okay. And what I was doing was looking to them to fix what is so twisted inside of me. If I got them to be mine, to really care about me, then maybe I was worth something. I would have gone to hell and back if they had said it would impress them? You want to know why I'm angry, hurt, and have put myself in isolation. None of them are hurt by me at all. They are all living their lives, without me. I'm the one who has to deal with the guilt, shame, and humiliation. And the worst part is I have no one to blame for it, but myself. I do it to myself everytime because I want to be loved. I seek the one thing that humans want and deserve, but from all the wrong places.

I've seen women behave like this my entire life. I always told myself I was never going to be like that. I was going to be strong, independent, and I wasn't going to need or depend on anyone else. I just wasn't going to be like those other women, you know?

And now sitting in this room I'm left with me, you know? I am tired of writing out ym feelings and talking about them. Everything hurts. It hurts and it's shameful when you realize you failed the aspirations of that little girl who wanted the world on the platter, and became everything you promised yourself you would never be.

I let myself down. Why am I even posting this? I suppose because this is real life. And it's not pretty and glamorous all the time. Behind the money, the expensive clothing, is a girl dying to break free. That's who I am. But, nobody knows that...

"The courage to be who I truly am, may be the hardest thing that I have ever done in life..."

Lies, Lies, lies...

There's so many lies going on. I don't want to deal with any of this going on. I told a lie about Joey and Alyssa. I told a lie about Sammy. Joey keeps calling me, asking me what's wrong and why I won't call him back. I don't want to look him in the eye, tell him the truth, and see the hurt that lies there. That's the last thing I want. I can be a cold hearted bitch, at least that's what people who don't know me peg me as, but hurting him would be the last thing I want. He's one of my best friends. I don't deserve to even say I know him. I really don't. Does he know what I said? I don't know. I don't want to know. And Jason is gonna hate me when he finds out what I said. He may never find out. I don't know. Jane may keep her mouth shut. She may not.

My life used to be simple. I miss the days when things were as simple as Bob, Joey, and I sitting down for coffee just trying to get one more day clean then we already had. All we wanted was to get away from the monster known as Crystal Meth. That's all we wanted. And then life showed up. Life has a really fucked up way of doing that.

I'd give my life to go back to those days. I truly would. I never say this out loud. But, they meant the world to me. None of my designer clothes could hold a candle to those times. Then again money doesn't buy happiness. It doesn't buy true love or true friends.

They didn't care where I came from or that I was just a little bit different than them. They saw that I was just an addict who would die if I didn't stay clean. They gave me the greatest gifts; friendship and love. I never tell anyone this, not even Joey, but there are times I miss Bob. He screwed us all over but I miss him. If I were to see him I would probably run in the other direction, not knowing what to say. Like I said, people peg me as a cold hearted bitch, or even a drama queen. You want the truth? Most of the time I'm nothing but a scared little girl...

My Introduction

INTRODUCTION…. He betrayed me…

I am going to tell you exactly what is going on, no lies. I belong to a program of sorts. We’ll just call it that, alright? Fuck it. I’m a drug addict. It really isn’t that shocking. We’re getting off topic here, not that I really got into the topic in the first place. I did on some level, though. I was about to tell you what was really going on. Hold on. I should introduce myself first. I can’t give you my real name. You might know me. And if you don’t have my name you can go on thinking you do, when I could be just like someone you happen to know. Just call me your Dramatic Bullshit Queen.

Alright, so back to what I was originally going to tell you about. I am so tired of this new girl on the scene. She carries herself in a manner that one may find acceptable. She is even quite friendly. Or so she pretends to be. She’s with the guy I thought I once liked. Let me tell you EXACTLY what happened there. It was a classic once upon a time, never going to happen again type of deal. He turned out not to be smart or cool enough for me. Oh, well. At least through him I was able to create a situation worthy of the soaps.

We’re going to call this guy Joey, even though that’s the name of this other loser. Oh, well. I enjoy being catty. It’s in my dramatic and gossiping nature. We’ll call his friend Bob. That’s the name of my old dealer. He was an even bigger loser then the real Joey. Are you guys slightly following here? We’ll call the new girl/new girlfriend Alyssa. I once knew an Alyssa who was more dramatic and tearful then I can be. Oh, what a frightful thought that one is!

So first I met Bob. He was cool, freakin whatever. He had a girlfriend, but I flirted with him a little bit. Joey got dragged along for the ride in the beginning. Then I realized Bob had nothing but good looks, and even then… it was only his face. A lot of stuff happened in between, but I am far too tired to divulge completely. I will later, darlings. I promise. Though Joey wasn’t the cutest he had potential or at least I thought he did. I brought a friend of mine into the picture. What do you think she did? She was quite large and undesirable, if I do say so myself. She had sex with Bob and made a pass for Joey. I took the girl out of the picture. How? Never mind that one. A drama queen never reveals her secrets, because she truly has none. They are shouted from the roof tops. Alyssa entered. I was betrayed and left for someone who was less prettier than I am…

I knew she was trouble from the beginning. I said to myself she’s going to go for Joey. What happened a couple of weeks later? They’re holding hands. I was seething with rage. Did she not understand that I had property claims on this guy? I wanted to shout, yell, scream, cry, what fucking ever.

The drama queen remains silent. And you will be the only ones to know what has happened, and in the future what will happen… Enjoy… My life is a soap opera. The world is my stage. And my acquaintances are my publicity. What was it that Madonna said? I believe it was any publicity is good publicity…