Where do I even begin?

Me and Dom stopped talknig for awhile and I suppose that somewhere along the way I fell in love. I thought that I would never take another chance on someone again, especially after Mr. Wrong and Robert. But, I did. And I am still taking that chance. We are now very much together. it's crazy to say this but I have never really had sex with someone that meant something to me. We'll see where this all goes...

Everything unfolds...

I had the wrong email address. This guy scares me and he makes me feel vulnerable. I've liked him for a year and nothing has been able to happen. He makes me feel like I could want a guy again and learn to trust him. Not just meet a guy and trust him from the very beginning. What can I say? I can be a silly girl, if not a completely stupid one.

I've changed so much. I'm not as dramatic as I used to be. I've simmered down a bit. Would I wait for this guy until the time is right, where it can happen? I don't know. He'd have to ask me and then I'd have to know what I'm waiting for. I just know I will never allow another guy to ever treat me as I've been treated before. What shall we name this guy? I think we will call him Dom.

Dom reminds me of Robert, except he wants to change. Robert is out there getting loaded all over again. Five months ago it made me sad, but it also made me realize that I had completely let him go. I just didn't care anymore.

Sometimes when someone hurts you enough, after awhile, you feel nothing. You eventually get over the pain, the tears, the heartache, and you're just tired. Exhausted. I was sick of trying to make something work that had died. I woke up one day and realized he's never going to care about me the way I deserve. I can't make him. He will always want to be with the mother of his child. I can't change that. And that's okay. I don't want to change it. I just don't care...

Mr. Wrong and Alyssa had their baby. He's a beautiful baby. I don't hate them anymore either. I just don't. I realized hating them took time out of my busy life. They were living their lives, happily, not knowing I hated them. Alyssa's stressed out because she thinks he's cheating. No matter how much he denies it she won't let go of that notion. I didn't tell her this, but ofcourse he's cheating on her. It's what he does.

I'm going to school so that I can work in the medical field. It's a bottom position. But, if there's anything I've learned this year is it's okay to start with nothing. It's okay to start from the bottom and work your way back up. I'm broke most of the time. For God's sake, I clean houses when I'm not in school. Can I tell you a secret? I'm the happiest I've ever been. I never thought I'd say this. But, material things don't make me happy. I have real friends today. I love my life despite my own bullshit. I'M FUCKING HAPPY AGAIN...

I'm pretty much...

the deffinition of a lost girl right now. I used to always say I was lost in the back of my mind or that I didn't know who I was. We always know who we are. It's just that sometimes who we are is too much to face, so we go around saying we don't.

Let's see. I was the poor little rich girl. I was mommy's angel. I was the preppy girl. For a minute I was a metal head. But, always between those things I was an addict. Let's be honest, shall we? Crystal and coke were my lovers. They wer emy first, last, and always. People always said they would be the death of me. Sometimes I wonder if that's still true.

Lea's as good as gone. It's hard to talk to Rashelle. I can't call Robert or even Mr. Wrong. Jessica doesn't understand any of this. Kathryn and I rarely ever talk anymore. Hell, I'd settle for Joey, but these days he'd just shut me down. He used to never shut me down. I used to have his attention for hours on end. He'd listen to all my dramatic spews.

What happened to these people who loved me so much, or at least I thought they at least cared. They've all changed so much that it's like looking at strangers. I just want someone to listen to me, someone to care. So, I can say what I've been dying to say. I'm dieing inside and I'm drowning in the middle of the sea. Would you throw me a life jacket, please? But, even if they would listen I would never say that.

And the only person I can talk to out of all those people I listed is Mr. Wrong. But, things are so awkward between us. He kissed me. And instead of letting him like I used to I pulled away and asked him what he was doing.

"I missed you..."

"You don't get to miss me because you did this. I got to miss you for as long as I wanted to. But, I stopped missing you. You don't ever get to do this to me..."

"I'm still in love with you..."

"You were never in love with me to begin with. You don't love anyone. And I don't blame you. It's not your fault. You can't because you don't love yourself..."

"Well, neither do you?"

"What do you mean?"

"You walk everywhere holding your looks as a badge of honor so someone will notice, anyone..."

"Fuck you..." I said softly.

"You don't mean it..."

"You're right. I don't. I'm going to go before I say anything else I don't really mean..."

Sometimes I miss Robert. Sometimes I hate him. Sometimes I'm indifferent. I'm just tired of crying. It hurts. Maybe I'll call Jessica tommorow and tell her that she has no choice but to meet with me and at least hear me...

"Things change.
And friends leave.
And life doesn't stop for anybody..."

Saying goodbye...

I said goodbye forever to Robert. Ofcourse not face to face. I wrote a three page letter to myself that will never reach him. I kept thinknig one day we'd have this great conversation that would fix us, the situation. Nothing can fix the situation. Words have yet to be invented. And we will never have this conversation, because he doesn't deserve to hear how I really feel. Not now. Not ever. I deserved so much better than he could give. I'm done. With him. With his brother. Goodbye to that chapter in my life. Here's to a new one...

"This is my goodbye to you because I can’t do this anymore.
I may not be strong enough to stay around, but I’m wise enough…
To know it’s way past time to let you go.
I am going to miss you so much…"

The gossip...

Since that was the original intention of this blog. Let's see what is going on in the world I live in...

I saw the girl Robert chose after things didn't work out with his child's mother. She couldn't believe that he had baby mama drama. I really wanted to ask her how she couldn't know that? How stupid can one person really get?

Alyssa didn't invite me to her party last weekend. That's shocking. I think she's still somewhat upset over the fact that I slept with Mr. Wrong last summer. Whatever. Speaking of Mr. Wrong...

I saw Mr. Wrong tonight and he looked at me with those eyes. Yeah, I'm throughly convinced that those eyes will draw me into him until the day I die, or at least until I no longer know him. Sometimes he gives me a look and I think he wishes that he had chose differently. Fuck, if I were with Alyssa, I'd wish I had chosen the girl working the corner...

Amos came out of the closet. Such a pity. I really wanted to have him for a night or so. It could have been fun. He told me even if he primarily wants men, he'd make an exception for me. Gee, how did I ever get so lucky?

Jasmine's in rehab. I do miss her quite a bit. She always was the younger version of me.

Jason hasn't been around lately. There is a rumor around that he's dealing crack. Interesting. But, not likely.

I haven't heard shit about Robert. There's probably not much to say there. Will he choose this new girl on the scene or his baby's mama? The soap opera will one day unfold. Sooner than later, I expect.

Alea is still pining for the one in jail. Boring. No one knows what's going on with Jane, really. They tel me she's doing well. Even more boring. They tell me how happy Alyssa is, well except she's unhappy with me. Do you think I care? Not a chance in hell?

Haven't heard a thing about Mr. X in forever. I think he's now in the Marines. No one cares about Mr. Unmentionable really. He became boring as well as useless after he settled down with his trailer trash. Someone get in a fight or cheat on your significant other, please. I need more gossip. Well, there are two bits I won't leave out...

The first one is that for some reason (from what I hear) Alyssa is worried that Mr. Wrong is cheating on her or will sleep with me again. He did give me that smile tonight. But, whatever. I doubt I would ever go there with him again. I'm not saying it would never happen... But, you know what they say... Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me...

Jeff and I are on speaking terms once more. We've been texting and talking alot more than we probably should. Oh, well, what can I say? In case you could not tell, I have difficulty allowing the past to be the past. We'll see what happens. One thing I can say, this summer should be interesting...

I'm only human...

And sometimes I get to this point where I don't want to deal with anything or anyone. I push everyone away because I don't want them to hurt me. I put this wall up that no one can get through. I used to be cynical, sarcastic, yet deadly beautiful. Everyone loved me. Now I'm just this hurt person who doesn't want to deal with anyone because I'm tired of getting smashed to the ground everytime.

I was the queen bee, and now Alyssa is. The one thing she doesn't know is that the tiara is made of glass. When you're running with our crowd, it slips off breaking into a million pieces taking your heart with it. I don't want to be the queen bitch anymore, but I don't want to be alone either.

I saw Joey tonight. I looked at him. All I could think was who the hell is this guy, now? I don't know him. Yeah, there's a pattern. Apparently I don't know any of these men I thought I did. Anyway, He's charming, somewhat standoffish, and he's become gorgeous. Then a sad smile made its way to my face. He's what I used to be. I probably made him that way. I hugged him and walked away. I ran to my car, drove home, and broke down in tears.

There's been so much pain in my life. All I wanted my entire life was someone to fix me, someone to love me. I just wanted someone to really accept me for who I am. I just wanted to feel like I belonged somewhere. And no matter how many people were around me, I was just this lonely girl, who did drugs. I've always looked to a guy to fix me. This whole getting clean journey. First it started with Jeff, then Mr. Unmentionable, Joey, Bob, Jason, Mr. Wrong, Robert, and the list goes on. You want to know the sick truth?

I never truly cared about any of them. I lied to myself and made myself believe I did because then it made what I was doing okay. And what I was doing was looking to them to fix what is so twisted inside of me. If I got them to be mine, to really care about me, then maybe I was worth something. I would have gone to hell and back if they had said it would impress them? You want to know why I'm angry, hurt, and have put myself in isolation. None of them are hurt by me at all. They are all living their lives, without me. I'm the one who has to deal with the guilt, shame, and humiliation. And the worst part is I have no one to blame for it, but myself. I do it to myself everytime because I want to be loved. I seek the one thing that humans want and deserve, but from all the wrong places.

I've seen women behave like this my entire life. I always told myself I was never going to be like that. I was going to be strong, independent, and I wasn't going to need or depend on anyone else. I just wasn't going to be like those other women, you know?

And now sitting in this room I'm left with me, you know? I am tired of writing out ym feelings and talking about them. Everything hurts. It hurts and it's shameful when you realize you failed the aspirations of that little girl who wanted the world on the platter, and became everything you promised yourself you would never be.

I let myself down. Why am I even posting this? I suppose because this is real life. And it's not pretty and glamorous all the time. Behind the money, the expensive clothing, is a girl dying to break free. That's who I am. But, nobody knows that...

"The courage to be who I truly am, may be the hardest thing that I have ever done in life..."

I don't know him...

I saw everyone last night. Everyone from Alea to fucking Jason was there. Well, except for Mr. Wrong and Jessica. Ooh! Maybe they're secretly fucking eachother behind everyone's back. I suppose that that makes for an excellent story except that Jessica is in a newly commited relationship and simply loathes Mr. Wrong. I suppose that she better take a number and get in line.

So, I saw Robert talking with Alea, Alyssa, and Jane. I gave them hugs and he gave this serious and unreadable look, so I dismissed him. He walked over to me looking rather upset.

"Why didn't you hug me?"

"I didn't think you'd want me to," I answered honestly.

All I wanted to do at that point was run into his arms and have him pick me up. I swore to myself at that moment if he'd just look at me the way he used to or even take me in his arms I could forgive him. I could over look the fact that he had hurt me deeply. I just wanted a piece of the man I used to know back.

"You act like you don't know me anymore."

It took everything in me not to deeply scoff, looking at him as if he had lost his mind. I wanted to yell at him, that I don't know him anymore, that I never knew him to begin with. How could I? No one ever really does. He makes damn sure of that one.

"No, I don't."

We hugged. And he pretty much ignored me the entire night. I wanted to go home and cry my eyes out. I really did. I wanted Joey to show up or even Mr. Wrong. I needed to see one of them because they are my friends. He used to ignore me like that at times, but it was never like this. It never hurt me to this degree.

I think I am so hurt because I honestly and truly realize this time that we're never going to be the way that we used to be no matter what he says and no matter what I do. There's absolutely nothing I can do about it anymore. And I'm tired of hanging on for the both of us. All I needed was one word or one look that would tell me he still cared just a little bit. But, he couldn't give me that much.

I'm fighting for something that's dead. It hurts because he became the thing I wanted the most. I wanted him the most because hewas going to be for me, something just mine. And I don't care how selfish it is. I didn't care that it made no sense. Because when all is said and done, it's over.

I have to realize that even if he apologized, something he never does, would we go back? We can't. He was my friend above everything else. I always wanted him around, but was afraid he'd get loaded and leave me behind. That's funny. He didn't get loaded. But, he still left me in a way that hurts anymore. And right now, I don't know how to get past the part where he turned my back on him. I never knew Robert as the guy who would turn on me like that. And in all honesty I really don't want to.

I used to look in his eyes and see desire, fear, potential, and 100 other things. And now when I look into his eyes I see nothing. When he looks into my eyes I know that he sees he hurt me in a way he can never fix, so what is the point of trying? I think it's time for me to realize there's got to be more for me than these men I choose?

You want to know a little secret? I'll always have a place for Robert. Because, despite everything that's happened between us, I still care. I always will. I really give up this time. There's no reason to keep hanging on to someone who won't hang on to me...


"I miss who I thought you were.
I miss the friend who'd never let me down.
That’s the guy I miss.
I can't miss you...
I don't even know who you are anymore..."

I know...

Sometimes the trick is just to keep breathing no matter what. I have to remember that sometimes certain things fall apart so that other ones can fall together. At least that's what I am going to keep telling myself. If I say it enough times I may even believe it.

I was coming home from work the other day and I just started crying. He's such a loser and a waste of my time. It's not even that I still want him. It's that he was my friend, and now he's really not. It's that he hurt me, whether he wanted to or not. You want to know the part that hurts me the very most?

I did this to myself. There was never one point in time where he actually said he wanted to be with me or even had feelings for me. All of his actions indicated such a thing, but he never voiced any of this. Once again I placed expectations and pre conceptions on someone, just to be let down.

And so I cried. I cried because I lost my friend. We were always friends. I can't lie and say I don't miss my friend, because I do, very much so. I wish things weren't the way they were. But, like I said I did this to myself. I put myself where I knew it just wasn't gonna work. How was I gonna win? I couldn't have. And I feel this sense of loss and anger.

At least with Mr. Wrong I could very rightly point the finger at him and blame the entire situation on him. I could easily get away with it. Maybe I share some of the blame... Oh, who am I kidding? It was his fault. He deffinitely wanted me, even if for a night. But, with Robert....
I haven't seen Robert in about a week. That's good. I'm in no hurry to run into him. I bumped into Mr. Wrong yesterday at the beach. He came up to me soaking wet and hugged me, pretty much against my will. Then he pretty much ignored me...

"It's really time for me to move away from him.
From all this.
I don't even know who he is anymore..."

It all changes...

I miss the days where he couldn’t shut me out no matter how hard he tried. I remember he would push me away. I would push back. And I would get into his head just a little bit. He was just a little bit attached to me. Why does it have to be this way, Robert? How did you find a way to permanently keep me away, to shut me out? I would still crawl over broken glass in order to be any part of his life that meant something, anything at all. I wish I could find a way in. Saturday he wouldn’t even hug me. A huge part of me tells me to completely give up, that he wasn’t mine to begin with. In what world could we have worked out? It hurts, just a little bit. Oh, who the hell am I kidding? It pretty much fucking kills me.

It was never supposed to be Robert. But he was all I had. And in that moment he reached me when no one else could. He forced me to smile when I swore I would never be able to laugh again. So, do I hate him? No, I love him (as a friend) because he saved me when no one else could… I’ll always be thankful for that, for the rest of my life…

I saw Joey yesterday. My heart stopped beating for a moment. You don’t understand. I hadn’t seen him in months. I hate to say this, but he looked really good. He sat next to me, we shared a cigarette, and then he left. He left without saying goodbye. He's never done that to me before. I was able to observe him for those moments. And in those moments I realized how much of a part of my life he used to be, how deeply he’s affected me. I miss the days when I could call him. He would drop everything he was doing just to make sure that I was alright.

Mr. Wrong would barely even look at me. I guess he went from having problems with Alyssa last weekend to practically being married to her. I don’t even know how to explain it all. I thought that no matter what has happened I would always have a hold of sorts on him. But, I don’t. I still know he cares about me. He gave me a huge hug.

I’m forced to look at my relationship with all three of these men and realize how it has effected and changed my life profoundly. They’ve all affected my life in different ways, forcing me to change. All I can say is it gets harder every day to keep that smile painted on. Eventually my face is gonna crack…



"Some of the men in my past are nothing but wounds that healed.
But, darling, you've left the scar that will never be erased."

It's like...

I think I know what I want and I think I know everything, and then some higher power out there throws me a curve ball. It's as if he's trying to say you don't know what you want and you don't know shit about anything. My problem is I always think the grass is going to be greener on the other side. It never is though. The problem is no matter what is really going to make me happy, life shows up. It has a really funny way of doing that.

The thing about life is its real. It's not a movie. It's painful. It's always changing. People never end up being who you want them to be or even who you thought they were. People always surprise you. The ones you love betray you. The ones who you thought would never understand you, you can't imagine your life without them...

I thought I got Robert. I thought I saw him for who he really was. I thought I had him wrapped around my finger just a little bit. You want to know what I know now? I never knew him. I knew who he let me see. No one ever sees Robert. But, maybe I did, for just a second. All I know is he didn't choose me. He didn't even choose his baby's mama... He lied to me... The twins are an enigma if not anything else...

Hold your head up high, gorgeous... There are those that would kill to see you feel

Well...

You know what they say. The ups go down... That's what's been happening. I'm home. I think coming home is the biggest mistake I've made. For the last two months I've had people breathing down my neck telling me what to do and how to do it. Not many people know I'm back, but Friday... that's when everyone will be there. I mean everyone from Mr. Wrong to Jessica. This ought to be interesting. I don't know what I am going to say or do when I see Robert in just a couple of days. God help us all. I think I've really found a way to bring meaning to the phrase shit's about to go down... In what world did I think Robert, baby, baby's mama, and me made for a happy ending. I'm a very silly girl in so many ways. I'm not all that nervous about seeing Mr. Wrong. But, Robert, (and his baby's mama) is a complete and total different story...

Mr. Wrong resurfaces...

In my mind once more... I don't know why and I don't know what it is. I heard him and Alyssa are on the rocks. I don't know. Someone told me that they are in love. I tried not to laugh at that. Mr. Wrong in love? Somebody tell me we've achieved world peace or that George Bush is the best president that we've ever had. Please. Both of those things are quite more believable. Mr. Wrong did something terrible to an almost enemy of mine. I just sighed. I wasn't surprised. There is absolutely nothing that Mr. Wrong could say or do that would shock me in the least. On some level I miss that fucked up asshole. No matter what he's done to me I will never be able to hate him for anything he's done. A part of me can't wait to visit home and shake things up.

There's a huge part of me that wants to visit looking hotter than shit, stir things up, fuck with Robert's mind, Mr. Wrong's mind, plant seeds of doubt in Alyssa's mind, and be the complete center of attention. It's what I lived for, but I'm trying to be different. I'm trying to change. Why do I want to break them up? Why do I even care? Mr. Wrong and I also have no place together. He's one step above his twin... Speaking of Robert...

I haven't talked to him since that night. It's kind of like it was with Mr. Wrong. I don't miss him as much as I thought that I would. But, there are moments... Believe me when I say there are moments where I wonder how things could have been different... With Robert......... or even MR WRONG..

Everything...

is going to be just fine. Someone told me to take three days to be upset with him and cry or do whatever I had to do. That's what I did. Well, by Saturday I was fine. I realized in what world would we fucking work? He doesn't have a car right now and neither do I. He's not even working right now and I am. What were we going to do? Meet for a date I pay for on the bus? That sounds so silly and rediculess that I laugh as I write this. Robert was a great fantasy just like his brother. Sounds wonderful. The gangster and the ex- (turned sometimes) princess. It makes for a worthwhile novel. Jackie Collins could write it. But, in real life? No, it just doesn't happen. I don't know what will happen when I see him next, but that'll come in time. I'll write more tommorow. I'm tired... In case anyone cares, I'm doing fantastic at my new job...

I don't even know what to say...

About Aanything. All I can ask at this point is why? What the hell was the point? Why did everything since January happen? I used to think it was because Robert and I were meant to be something, even a little anything... And now it's not going to happen no matter what I do. He didn't go to jail like he was supposed to . And now he's going to try to make things work with his baby's mama. Why, why, why? Why did this happen? In Robert's eyes no one could compare to me... but her. And now she gets him. It wouldn't have mattered what I did. I just was not going to win. His baby's mama will always win. He loves her. He liked me more than all the other girls. But, he loved her. And he still does. I can't compete with that. Yeah. I'm not going to win this one. I am so angry, not just because I liked him so much. I am furious because although he was all tough and shit I got to him. And now it's for nothing. We were friends and he never hurt me. And now I'm hurt by him. What did I expect though. The tears won't come, which is good. Because, when they do, who knows when they will stop. I don't... I hate this so, so, much. Why, Robert, why? WHY?!?!?!

He's gone...

And I don't know what to say, think, or do. At least he's supposedly gone. I don't want him to be gone. I cried as I walked home from work yesterday. I hate that job. I wanted to quit. Then I heard Robert in my head saying I needed to work. I cried more because it made me think of this huge fight we got into once...

"You need to be working..."

"I know. Just shut up Robert. Do not lecture me right now..."

"I love you, mama..."

"Obviously! I'm sick..."

"If I was there I would give you a huge hug."

"Did you not just hear me? I'm sick, as in I'm contagious," I responded as if I was talking to a five year old.

"I don't give a fuck. That just means I get to sleep for a couple of days..."

"You're unbelievable," I said.

"Well, I gotta go..."

"ALright, fool. I'll see you when I see you," I said before hanging up. We live by that saying.

I don't know what's going to happen when he gets back. Like I said before, I feel so lost. He didn't even call me or anything before he went. Oh, my God. Somebody stop this empty feeling. I feel hollow from the inside out. I hate to say it, but I feel as if a part of me is missing. He was never suppose to mean anything on that level to me, let alone become a part of my heart I don't want to be without. His brother never meant this to me

I want to just lay my cards on the table when he gets back. But, I'm scared. I'm scared that he'll just run away from me. But, more than anything I'm just scared that he's not gonna want to be with me. That look in his eyes used to be guarded. That's why I called it fearful desire. But, it's not guarded at all anymore. I guess I'm hoping against hope, though he's been burned, he'll takr a chance on me. Oh, well. Here's to hoping...

I caved in...

I didn't mean to, but I did. My sponsor told me not to see Robert, text him, or talk to him on the phone. And I did it for almost two weeks. That's a long time. It felt like forever. It killed me to not answer his texts and to press the ignore button when he would call me. I can honestly say that I had never done that before. He called me yesterday. I don't know what made yesterday different than the other times he had left me messages. But, I found myself dialing the number I knew by heart.

"Hey beautiful, what's up?"

"I don't know. You tell me," I said icily, trying to play it cool.

"What have you been up to," he asked, completely ignoring my cold demeanor. Really shocking. NOT!

"I don't know. Staying clean, staying away from guys..."

"I miss you... I want to see you tonight..."

"I can't. You know I can't."

"Do you want to?"

"I can't..."

"That's not what I asked you," he said somewhat harshly.

"Ofcourse I do... But, I'm trying to not be around guys..."

"She gave you that stipulation because she doesn't want you to get high. Do I make you want to get loaded?"

"Are you trying to say everything's my fault?"

"It's always the woman's fault."

"Excuse me? What? So men, have no part in anything..."

"Exactly. "

"You need to shut up before I really beat your ass..."

"I look forward to it..."

"Robert, you are impossible!"

"I'll see you at your meeting tonight."

"No... I can't."

"Well, what are they going to do if I show up? They can't stop me from seeing you. I'll be there..."

I hung up with him feeling irritated, annoyed, but at the same time completely excited. I had missed him more than words can say. I gave you all the shortened version of the conversation. He got his car completely totaled last week. I wondered for a moment how he was going to get there. Then I remembered that this was Robert. If he wanted something he'd get it. I found myself smiling.

I went to my meeting. I cut my hair really short. I was worried if Robert would like it. Alea showed up. We embraced. I didn't see Robert. I told myself over and over again that I didn't care, that I wasn't dissapointed. I had even convinced myself. At the smoke break there he was. He smiled at me, but Alea embraced him first so I tried to get lost in the crowd of people.

"Where the fuck are you going," asked Robert gaining up on me.

"She's on man restriction," laughed Alea, we shared matching smiles.

"I didn't think you were going to come," I said.

"I told you that I would," he explained.

Then I was in his arms and I never wanted to be anywhere else. I clung onto him. I was safe and nothing and no one in this world could hurt me. And if they tried he'd kill them. I pulled him as close to me as possible. I laughed as he picked me up. God, I had missed him.

I studied him throughout the meeting when he wasn't looking at me. A voice in my head told me to be careful, that he would never be mine. That voice kept going and going. Then I asked it why not. It old me because if he was ever mine I wouldn't be able to keep him. I felt so sad. Then he texted me saying that I was beautiful and that he's glad he came to see me. Suddenly the voice in my head shut off because I had a stupid smile on my face.

After the meeting I was back in his arms. I knew in that moment it would kill me if I couldn't keep him. It would kill me ten times worse than it ever did with Mr. Wrong, whom I'm good friends with now, by the way. How the hell does that happen? Don't ask me. I couldn't tell you. Anyway we just stayed like that for a few moments.

"You need to go before I drag you into the bathroom..."

"Okay," I whispered as I stepped back from him.

He just stared at me as I stared at him. I wanted to remember him like this forever. I didn't want him to forget me. Did I tell you he's going away for about a month and a half. I am going to miss him so much.

"Goodbye, Robert..."

Then the wall was up as he nodded his head as he turned to talk with Alea and the man that she is dating. But, I knew he cared more than he ever meant to. I mean something to him. He came to see me. I don't even know how he got there. It doesn't matter. I'm going to miss him so, so, so much. I won't apologize for seeing him. I am greatful that I got to say goodbye. It would have killed me if I hadn't.

All I wanted was to say goodbye, to be in his arms again before he left, and to known that he still cared about me, that I still meant something to him. I got all of those things. It's all smoke and mirrors from here on out...

I miss him...

So much that sometimes it hurts from the inside out. I left my home and couldn't get Robert out of my head. I think about him so much and our memories together. I knew that it would hurt me beyond words if I saw him and it felt as if he forgot about me. No one told me that it would hurt even more if it felt as if nothing had changed when I saw him again. It took me three months to break him down, to make him just a little bit vulnerable. I worked over time to make him see that I wasn't like everyone else. And now I'm not around so much to see the change. But, I know it's there...

Last weekend I saw him and he just stared at me. He didn't even bother to hide his desire for me. It was written all over his face. I could do nothing but stare back at him. If he wasn't able to run and cover up his feelings, then why should I be able to?

It was him all along for me. I wish it wasn't, but it was. Mr. Wrong and I had a sexual chemistry as did RObert and I. But, with Robert, it went beyond that. I didn't have to pretend to be someone I wasn't. I could be a fucked up bitch to him, and he still wanted me. I didn't have to put off this facade.

The entire time I wanted Mr. Wrong the thought of giving up Robert tore me up completely on the inside. The thought of being without him, the thought of him not being in my life is like a slow death. I didn't want to want him because I knew it couldn't work that I avoided it at all costs. But, it was as if I just couldn't stay away from no matter what I said or did. I was his. And something tells me a part of him is mine.


Will it always be like this? The looks, the heated gazes we shoot at eachother kill me. Nothing has actually happened, but everytime we see eachother the fire has gotten bigger. We're friends. Bullshit. Friends don't talk like we do. They don't. They don't look at eachother like we do.

I remember that day he came the closest to saying he cared about me, even though things weren't completely over with his brother. I cried and cried my eyes out that day because no matter how I've fought it, how I've attempted to deny it, I love him...

I don't think...

I've cried as much as I have today in forever. I realize that this isn't goodbye forever, but it's goodbye to everything being the same. I realize once I leave nothing will ever be the same again. Things have already changed dramatically and I haven't left yet. Today I did so much packing and had to put away things I just can't take with me. It's hard to leave this place behind, this place that has become the soap opera that I'm one of the stars of.

I was with my mom tonight and I cried and cried and cried. Then my sponsor along with Mr. Wrong, Allen, Amos, Jasmine, Robert, and Alyssa were there. And when I saw all of them I cried even harder. I thought that I would never stop.

I wish my mother could have met the twins under different circumstances. I was surprised that she simply adored the both of them. They both gave her hugs and kisses on both cheeks. But, I think the reason why my mom liked them so much is how they handled me. They both gathered me in their arms and told me that it would all be okay, and they would see me when I got off my one month restriction at the place.

Tommorow will be even worse, I know it. I already know that I will be in complete tears the entire way there. There's no doubt in my mind about all of that. It's just hard saying goodbye to the place you swear you want to blow up, but will miss more than words. It's hard saying a temporary goodbye to the people half of the time you swear you hate, but know that deep down you'd be simply lost without them. The hardest thing, is to leave all you know to try something different. That's the hardest part, I'd say.

As a side note, that was the first time that Robert has ever seen me cry. I don't think he quite knew what to make of it all at first. I'll write one last entry tommorow. And then I won't be blogging for quite some time, and when I do, it will be here and there...

It's the going away for awhile...

that all but kills me. I know it's not that far. I'm acting as if I am going to some lock down rehabilitation center in fucking Utah. Now that would be enough for me to do so many drugs that I would overdose and fucking kill myself. I feel sorry for anyone who has been to Utah. What the hell am I talking about? That's where my future children will go if they decide they want to try to put me through the hell I put my mother through... No costly 60 day rehabs that don't do shit for them.

I am going to some sober living about a half an hour away. It's so structured that it might as well be a lock down facility. Half an hour might as well be the end of the world when your mother has taken your car away from you permanently. Who am I kidding? If I were my mother I'd take away the car and send me away too...

So, I will be without a computer after this weekend. It sucks. Robert promised that he would come and see me when I am off my first month restriction. I love that guy. I truly do. Things are about to change so dramatically and to be quite honest I am scared to death of that change. I truly am. I'm not gonna put on this brave face and say that I'm not. I'm terrified. But, I think that's okay...

Mr. Wrong and Alyssa are officially together now. You would think that that would have me in tears or what not, but to be perfectly honest it doesn't bother me. It's awkward being around them and watching them kiss. It's hard watching him hug her the way he did with me a couple of weeks ago. It's sometimes impossible not to wonder why he chose her over me. Sometimes I wonder why he didn't do anything with me when he had the chance. Tonight things weren't so strained between us.

I could look at him and feel this sense of greatfulness towards him. He walked away from me, but he left my dignity intact. How many women can say that about Mr. Wrong? A woman never leaves him with her disgnity intact. But, I did. And for that I am truly greatful to him. I no longer hate Alyssa. Alea and her have been there for me on a daily basis since I relapsed.

I feel somewhat sorry for Alyssa. How does she look like towards other people? One minute she's with one of the greatest guys I know and the next she's with Mr. Wrong. He has nothing. He doesn't have a job or a car. He has nothing to truly offer her. She's already telling him she loves him and everything. He says it back, but I can see he doesn't truly mean it. When does he ever? Him and I hugged tonight and I was no longer angry with him.

I love Alyssa, and all I could think was better her than me. I was spared all that. I get to work on myself and get someone who is worth so much more than Mr. Wrong. Thank God, is all I can say. Either things will work out with those two or they will end so fucking badly. Either way it is none of my fucking business. Thanks God, again. I wash my hands clean of that situation. I want no part in their downfall or that drama...

Speaking of Drama. Joey showed up tonight with his lady. And there was one moment where Joey had to walk by Mr. Wrong and Alyssa to talk to Jason. Kathryn and I waited for something to happen. Joey acted as if he couldn't even see Mr. Wrong. God damn. Kathryn and I were waiting for someone to throw a punch. Nothing happened. That is not a fight I would look forward to breaking up. Everyone would see where my loyalty lies. Joey. Hands down. No questions whatsoever.

I will miss all of you terribly. I really will. This blog has become like my child. Sometimes it feels as if when nothing is going right, or at least the way I want it to, I have this. I created this blog. I've nutured it. Yeah, you'll find I'm nothing more than a huge sap, or in Robert's words, too sentimental. I'll be blogging some more before I leave at the end of this weekend.

I royally screwed up (my longest entry)

I did alot of drugs and alcohol from Last Sunday to this Sunday. On Tuesday one of my ex sponsor’s best friend dragged me to a meeting. I thought I was done. Kathryn and Jasmine had picked me up and dragged me to a meeting Wednesday and sat there with me as I admitted to the group that I had messed up really badly.

Last Thursday I saw Mr. Wrong, but he didn't see me. For once my first thought wasn’t about how handsome he was or how he turned me on. My first thought was how I couldn’t believe how much he had hurt me and how I had put myself in a position to let it all happen.

You know what hurts the most? He said he had all of those feelings for me and that he meant them at least at the time. It hurts because he’s now all but with Alyssa. He may just be dating her to get what he wants from her, but it kills me from the inside out. It looks like I never could have won to begin with. I began crying as I walked away, making sure he couldn't see me.

Jessica had called me three times. I didn’t want to talk to her, especially since I was loaded. But, she kept calling and texting me off the hook. She was worried about me. I finally called her back on Friday.

“I love you, honey…”

“I don’t love myself right now,” I said as I felt a few tears run down my cheeks.

“Let’s get you to a meeting tonight, okay sweetie?” she gently asked me.

“I can’t go to a meeting like this…”

“Yes you can… They all know you got loaded, anyway. Shit like that doesn’t remain a secret. Right now this is about helping you save your life.” she said even more gently.

“Alright, come get me,” I said as I looked for something to wear.

We got to the meeting and Jessica helped me out of the car. I turned on the lights for the meeting and then went outside to smoke. I really needed a cigarette to get through this night. Jessica put an arm around me and stroked my back. I saw the love, sympathy, as well as fear in her eyes…

As if things could get worse Alyssa and Mr. Wrong came. From the corner of my eye I couldn’t tell if they had been holding hands or not. Mr. Wrong approached me and even though he tried to hide it I could tell he was relieved to see me at a meeting. Something happened that made me stop hating Alyssa forever.

She saw me and I saw how sad she looked. We stepped off to the side, away from everyone else. She pulled me into a tight hug, but I could barely hang on because I was really weak.

“Hey, mama, what’s cracking,” asked Robert as he approached me later that night. I watched a look of concern come across his face.

“Are you still sick,” he asked as he felt my forehead.

“No, Robert. I got loaded,” I said waiting for him to hate me, knowing I couldn’t stand it if he ever did.

“It happens, you know,” he said shrugging his shoulders.

When I went back inside I was not feeling well. Jessica came and brought me some water. I drank it down quickly. I went to the bathroom and sank to my knees. And then I began heaving into the toilet. I had forgotten to shut the stall. I looked up and there stood Jane looking as if she was going to cry. Before I left Jason gave me a huge hug.

It’s funny how I was so worried about Joey, Alyssa, and Robert getting loaded. But, out of all those people I was the only one who got loaded. I mean I hated Alyssa because I was prettier and she always got what I wanted. If I’m to be honest she has a better personality then me. She’s a lot nicer. I’m a little rough around the edges.

The next day I saw Joey at a meeting and he approached me, all concerned.

“This is so embarrassing,” I stated refusing to look anywhere but at him.

“You can do it again, just do whatever your sponsor says,” said Joey reaching his hand out to me. I took it and he helped me stand up, since the meeting was having a break.

I laid back on the sand and listened to him share once the meeting resumed. When he talked about his new girlfriend I had to sit up to make sure I wasn’t dreaming. I’m not just letting go of Mr. Wrong. I’m also letting Joey go. I have never been so proud of Joey then I was in that moment. I realized at that point, also, I feel honored to say he’s been in my life. I gave him a hug goodbye and a kiss on the cheek.

“My life has been dramatic since I met you...” I had to cut him off before he could say anything else.

“Thank you Joey, for everything you’ve done for me. You were one of my first friends when I got clean. Before you came into my life there had never been a guy who would never let me down,” I stated as I started bawling all over again.

“You’re not done getting loaded, are you,” he asked sadly.

I shook my head. I wanted to stay around Joey for a little bit longer, but I walked away. And I didn’t look back. I began crying once more hysterically. I had to mourn the loss of the man I was once madly in love with. I’ve denied it forever.

And as I cried over Joey I realized I was completely over Mr. Wrong because he would never measure up to Joey in one hundred years. He is incapable of being the man Joey is. And then I wiped my tears and wanted to get drunk.

I called my friend Jewel. We got wasted when one of her boy toys. Then we ditched him and went to the ghetto part of L.A to go get drugs. The night/morning ened with me fucked up on meth and doing lines of cocaine in her car. When I came down I called my mother crying and she came and got me. Then I called my sponsor crying hysterically. My, god, I’m ashamed… One day at a time, I suppose...