It's quite simple really when all is said and done. He believes he's in love with Alyssa because that's what he needs to. He stays with her because she's easy. If he stopped lying to himself and admitted that he didn't love her he would have to admit that that he's just using her for sex. That's the last thing that he wants to admit. And he talks to me when he knows I've absolutely had it with him because he doesn't want to lose me. He also knows that now he'll never have me. That probably kills him. He probably knows that he should have had me when he could have.
He admitted to me the other day that the only reason why he didn't help me out that day was because he was so worried about what Alyssa would think, what she would say. He actually had the gall to ask me if I understood.
"The only thing that I can possibly understand is that you're a coward."
"You don't understand..."
"Joey, at this point I don't believe I care to."
"I'm in love. You would understand if you were as well..."
I sighed deeply before hanging up on him. There was no point in continuing this conversation. There was something else I did understand that I didn't bother to share with him. He's still a boy trying so desperately to be a man.
I won't fault him for trying so hard to change. I can't. I do feel a sense of pity or sympathy for him. How could I feel that way towards him after everything that the two of us have been through? I'm only human. Even I have my weak spots...
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