Fearful Desire...

That’s how I describe the look in Robert’s eye every time he gives me more than a simple glance. It was how he looked at me while we were closely dancing on Saturday. And it was how he looked at me last night. Usually when someone stares at me I’ll stare right back. Looking away is a sign of submission, or some form of fear. But, when Robert looks at me that way I have no choice but to look down or at least anywhere but him. It’s unnerving…

Saturday I had to glance away because I felt that if I kept looking back at him I would see something that I didn’t want to see, feel more things that I am far from ready to feel. It was an uncomfortable moment. But, then he had to ruin it by smacking my ass and accusing me of being too sentimental. He ruins every moment, because I think he’s afraid to let them exist, to go further.

I wrote in my last entry that I would let him go. Every time I am completely ready to go along with him, then he’ll do something like give me a huge hug or stand so close to me that I can feel his body heat radiating off of him. Sometimes I know what I would say to him…

“What the hell do you want from me? I think I scare the fucking shit out of you. You have this thing about not being vulnerable, about not caring about women. You’re scared to feel again, to be in love. You’re not in love with me, but you have feelings for me, ones that you don’t want to have. I look at you and can get you to do so many things. I think you’re scared that you’re gonna fall in love with me… You’re scared because I make you so vulnerable that you can’t help yourself. No, fuck it. You’re scared because you are falling in love with me. The more you’re around me the more you want me.”

Yes, that’s exactly what I would want to say to him, except I don’t want to know what he would say to all of it. He would close down on me, and all of the progress I’ve made with him wouldn’t mean a damn thing. And, even if he didn’t completely shut me down, I could start something that just cannot be. His brother and I cannot be. Robert and I most definitely can NEVER be. I just need to leave both of them alone. But, I can’t. For some reason I just can’t, no matter what anyone says. I’m going to tell everyone else that I will, but only you will know, that I refuse to leave them alone…

Mr. Wrong hasn’t called me. I wonder if he’s ever going to. I think I am going to see him in a couple of weeks. I’m not going to walk over to him in any capacity. If he wants me he’s going to have to come and get me. I just want him to fucking call me, god damn it. I went five months without any contact… I can last two more weeks…

I saw Robert tonight and he put his arms around me and gave me one of his tight hugs. When I claimed that he was suffocating me he eased up but was still hugging me. He gave me that look again. But, it seems, that he stays around each time just a little bit longer before shutting down on me.

My sponsor saw all of this transpiring. She watched as he stepped right up to me and gave me a smirk, just daring me to look away. This time I didn’t. I don’t even know how to explain it. She walked over to us.

“You need to leave my sponsee alone…”

“I could do that.”

“You can and you will...”

“How do I know that she’ll leave me alone,” questioned Robert.

“She will…”

“That brings us to our next problem. I could leave her alone, and she may go with it. But, I can’t guarantee that my brother will leave her alone,” finished off Robert with a grin.

Then he left all of us for the evening. I watched him go. He turned around one last time with that look of fearful desire. It’s a tortured look that I think will on some level always haunt me.