A piece about addiction...

I want to go see Mr. Wrong so badly next Friday, but I've resolved to stay completely away from him until he comes home. I refuse to see him. It's just not a good idea. Besides, I am more than sure that Esther will play the dutiful ex- girlfriend and go visit him. If he wants to, he can call me when he gets home. Hmm, let me rephrase that. He had better call me when he gets home. But, it's not supposed to be this hard to stay away...

One here is the only time that I am ever completely honest. I think that I have co dependency issues as does Mr. Wrong. I want what I can't have, or at least shouldn't have. And if that's not enough I know that I am seeking validation from both Robert and Mr. Wrong because I don't know how to give it to myself.

I never had to deal with all these god damn feelings before. It still feels so new to me. Sometimes life seems as if it was easier when I was still getting loaded. My life, in all honesty, was about getting dope at all cost. There was no such thing as a consequence too high to pay.

I come from a family that doesn't have drug addicts as children. It just doesn't happen. I was a spoiled bitch who was used to always getting her way. I went to private schools my entire life for Christ's sake. Before I fucked everything up everyone said I was bound for the top UC schools.

I suppose that my point that I am making is that the disease of addiction doesn't give a fuck who the hell you are or where the fuck you come from. It just doesn't. Once it gets its claws inside of you it owns you for life. It doesn't matter if you are still using or not.

I heard someone at a speaker meeting once say that if you want to get loaded you better not leave the room without telling someone how you feel. And if you choose to use again you better pray to god you’re not an addict. Those words have stuck with me throughout this year of being clean...

I don't usually write all that much about my addiction on here. I started this blog because I was so angry with Joey for choosing Alyssa over me. I was so furious with him that I hardly knew what to do with myself. So, I started writing on this. And, somehow, slowly, this blog is sort of taking on a life of its own... You never know what may be written on here... You never do...