This cannot be goodbye...

I saw Robert this evening when I was with my girlfriends. My heart started beating erratically. I prayed that he wouldn’t ignore me as he did last night. For some reason when he acted as if I didn’t exist the other night it crushed me. I don’t know how to explain it. I need to be noticed by him. I need to mean something to him, anything at all.

Robert tries his hardest to be a rough guy. He closes himself off more than his brother does. He pretends as if he cares for no one outside of his family. He believes to love someone is the deadliest sin, more so than even I do. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t completely infatuated with him.

I want him to trust me, to open up to me, to see that I am not going to hurt him. What am I saying? I am going to hurt him. I am seeing his brother tomorrow. And I think he knows that. I want him to lower his walls and to let me in. I want to see that he doesn’t have as much to be scared of as he thinks he does. Like his brother, he’s an enigma. I always seem to find the guys who are that, who are different from all the others. My only problem is I fall hopelessly for them. They are always the ones I cannot keep.

He looked at me for a moment. It was an unreadable expression that made its way on his face. I did my best to mask my emotions. Now was not the time for him to see everything I had inside of me. Now was not the time for him to see my true feelings. I didn’t even notice as my friends walked a ways away. He just kept on looking. I didn’t want him to see what he meant to me.

He doesn’t mean what his brother does to me. But, he means something. I couldn’t tell you what exactly. But, it matters to me. He matters to me. If he wasn’t around tomorrow I couldn’t promise someone that I would be okay. What it comes down to is I want him in my life; I need him to be there. I need our unhealthy arguments, his presence, and his thuggish mannerisms. It may make me sound like a sick individual but I don’t want to be without it.

“I see that you’re not still ignoring me,” I started out, dying inside to break his stare. It was making me insanely nervous.

“I never was. You’re an impossible person to ignore…”

“Yes, I know…”

Then he took a couple of steps towards me and hugged me. He held me close for awhile. I love his suffocating hugs. I held onto him. I couldn’t shake the feeling that something had changed forever, that I was losing him. I didn’t want this to be goodbye. It felt as if he was hugging him goodbye.

“You hugged me as if this is goodbye…”

“Maybe it is,” he said with an air of finality.

He didn’t say anything else to me. Robert went to talk with some of his friends. And once again that mask was up. This can’t be goodbye, now can’t it? Things can’t end like this, right? They can’t… I won’t let them…

This is going to sound so childish and immature on my part but I wish I had a twin as well. I wish I could give that twin to Robert, so things would be alright. I could find out what’s truly going on between Mr. Wrong and I. And Robert would still be happy. But, you want to know what? I’d fucking want to kill my twin for even thinking of taking Robert away from me. Oh, dear God. What am I even saying anymore? I’ve gotten to the point where I’ve completely lost my ground…