It all changes...

I miss the days where he couldn’t shut me out no matter how hard he tried. I remember he would push me away. I would push back. And I would get into his head just a little bit. He was just a little bit attached to me. Why does it have to be this way, Robert? How did you find a way to permanently keep me away, to shut me out? I would still crawl over broken glass in order to be any part of his life that meant something, anything at all. I wish I could find a way in. Saturday he wouldn’t even hug me. A huge part of me tells me to completely give up, that he wasn’t mine to begin with. In what world could we have worked out? It hurts, just a little bit. Oh, who the hell am I kidding? It pretty much fucking kills me.

It was never supposed to be Robert. But he was all I had. And in that moment he reached me when no one else could. He forced me to smile when I swore I would never be able to laugh again. So, do I hate him? No, I love him (as a friend) because he saved me when no one else could… I’ll always be thankful for that, for the rest of my life…

I saw Joey yesterday. My heart stopped beating for a moment. You don’t understand. I hadn’t seen him in months. I hate to say this, but he looked really good. He sat next to me, we shared a cigarette, and then he left. He left without saying goodbye. He's never done that to me before. I was able to observe him for those moments. And in those moments I realized how much of a part of my life he used to be, how deeply he’s affected me. I miss the days when I could call him. He would drop everything he was doing just to make sure that I was alright.

Mr. Wrong would barely even look at me. I guess he went from having problems with Alyssa last weekend to practically being married to her. I don’t even know how to explain it all. I thought that no matter what has happened I would always have a hold of sorts on him. But, I don’t. I still know he cares about me. He gave me a huge hug.

I’m forced to look at my relationship with all three of these men and realize how it has effected and changed my life profoundly. They’ve all affected my life in different ways, forcing me to change. All I can say is it gets harder every day to keep that smile painted on. Eventually my face is gonna crack…



"Some of the men in my past are nothing but wounds that healed.
But, darling, you've left the scar that will never be erased."

It's like...

I think I know what I want and I think I know everything, and then some higher power out there throws me a curve ball. It's as if he's trying to say you don't know what you want and you don't know shit about anything. My problem is I always think the grass is going to be greener on the other side. It never is though. The problem is no matter what is really going to make me happy, life shows up. It has a really funny way of doing that.

The thing about life is its real. It's not a movie. It's painful. It's always changing. People never end up being who you want them to be or even who you thought they were. People always surprise you. The ones you love betray you. The ones who you thought would never understand you, you can't imagine your life without them...

I thought I got Robert. I thought I saw him for who he really was. I thought I had him wrapped around my finger just a little bit. You want to know what I know now? I never knew him. I knew who he let me see. No one ever sees Robert. But, maybe I did, for just a second. All I know is he didn't choose me. He didn't even choose his baby's mama... He lied to me... The twins are an enigma if not anything else...

Hold your head up high, gorgeous... There are those that would kill to see you feel

Well...

You know what they say. The ups go down... That's what's been happening. I'm home. I think coming home is the biggest mistake I've made. For the last two months I've had people breathing down my neck telling me what to do and how to do it. Not many people know I'm back, but Friday... that's when everyone will be there. I mean everyone from Mr. Wrong to Jessica. This ought to be interesting. I don't know what I am going to say or do when I see Robert in just a couple of days. God help us all. I think I've really found a way to bring meaning to the phrase shit's about to go down... In what world did I think Robert, baby, baby's mama, and me made for a happy ending. I'm a very silly girl in so many ways. I'm not all that nervous about seeing Mr. Wrong. But, Robert, (and his baby's mama) is a complete and total different story...

Mr. Wrong resurfaces...

In my mind once more... I don't know why and I don't know what it is. I heard him and Alyssa are on the rocks. I don't know. Someone told me that they are in love. I tried not to laugh at that. Mr. Wrong in love? Somebody tell me we've achieved world peace or that George Bush is the best president that we've ever had. Please. Both of those things are quite more believable. Mr. Wrong did something terrible to an almost enemy of mine. I just sighed. I wasn't surprised. There is absolutely nothing that Mr. Wrong could say or do that would shock me in the least. On some level I miss that fucked up asshole. No matter what he's done to me I will never be able to hate him for anything he's done. A part of me can't wait to visit home and shake things up.

There's a huge part of me that wants to visit looking hotter than shit, stir things up, fuck with Robert's mind, Mr. Wrong's mind, plant seeds of doubt in Alyssa's mind, and be the complete center of attention. It's what I lived for, but I'm trying to be different. I'm trying to change. Why do I want to break them up? Why do I even care? Mr. Wrong and I also have no place together. He's one step above his twin... Speaking of Robert...

I haven't talked to him since that night. It's kind of like it was with Mr. Wrong. I don't miss him as much as I thought that I would. But, there are moments... Believe me when I say there are moments where I wonder how things could have been different... With Robert......... or even MR WRONG..

Everything...

is going to be just fine. Someone told me to take three days to be upset with him and cry or do whatever I had to do. That's what I did. Well, by Saturday I was fine. I realized in what world would we fucking work? He doesn't have a car right now and neither do I. He's not even working right now and I am. What were we going to do? Meet for a date I pay for on the bus? That sounds so silly and rediculess that I laugh as I write this. Robert was a great fantasy just like his brother. Sounds wonderful. The gangster and the ex- (turned sometimes) princess. It makes for a worthwhile novel. Jackie Collins could write it. But, in real life? No, it just doesn't happen. I don't know what will happen when I see him next, but that'll come in time. I'll write more tommorow. I'm tired... In case anyone cares, I'm doing fantastic at my new job...

I don't even know what to say...

About Aanything. All I can ask at this point is why? What the hell was the point? Why did everything since January happen? I used to think it was because Robert and I were meant to be something, even a little anything... And now it's not going to happen no matter what I do. He didn't go to jail like he was supposed to . And now he's going to try to make things work with his baby's mama. Why, why, why? Why did this happen? In Robert's eyes no one could compare to me... but her. And now she gets him. It wouldn't have mattered what I did. I just was not going to win. His baby's mama will always win. He loves her. He liked me more than all the other girls. But, he loved her. And he still does. I can't compete with that. Yeah. I'm not going to win this one. I am so angry, not just because I liked him so much. I am furious because although he was all tough and shit I got to him. And now it's for nothing. We were friends and he never hurt me. And now I'm hurt by him. What did I expect though. The tears won't come, which is good. Because, when they do, who knows when they will stop. I don't... I hate this so, so, much. Why, Robert, why? WHY?!?!?!

He's gone...

And I don't know what to say, think, or do. At least he's supposedly gone. I don't want him to be gone. I cried as I walked home from work yesterday. I hate that job. I wanted to quit. Then I heard Robert in my head saying I needed to work. I cried more because it made me think of this huge fight we got into once...

"You need to be working..."

"I know. Just shut up Robert. Do not lecture me right now..."

"I love you, mama..."

"Obviously! I'm sick..."

"If I was there I would give you a huge hug."

"Did you not just hear me? I'm sick, as in I'm contagious," I responded as if I was talking to a five year old.

"I don't give a fuck. That just means I get to sleep for a couple of days..."

"You're unbelievable," I said.

"Well, I gotta go..."

"ALright, fool. I'll see you when I see you," I said before hanging up. We live by that saying.

I don't know what's going to happen when he gets back. Like I said before, I feel so lost. He didn't even call me or anything before he went. Oh, my God. Somebody stop this empty feeling. I feel hollow from the inside out. I hate to say it, but I feel as if a part of me is missing. He was never suppose to mean anything on that level to me, let alone become a part of my heart I don't want to be without. His brother never meant this to me

I want to just lay my cards on the table when he gets back. But, I'm scared. I'm scared that he'll just run away from me. But, more than anything I'm just scared that he's not gonna want to be with me. That look in his eyes used to be guarded. That's why I called it fearful desire. But, it's not guarded at all anymore. I guess I'm hoping against hope, though he's been burned, he'll takr a chance on me. Oh, well. Here's to hoping...