Lies, Lies, lies...

There's so many lies going on. I don't want to deal with any of this going on. I told a lie about Joey and Alyssa. I told a lie about Sammy. Joey keeps calling me, asking me what's wrong and why I won't call him back. I don't want to look him in the eye, tell him the truth, and see the hurt that lies there. That's the last thing I want. I can be a cold hearted bitch, at least that's what people who don't know me peg me as, but hurting him would be the last thing I want. He's one of my best friends. I don't deserve to even say I know him. I really don't. Does he know what I said? I don't know. I don't want to know. And Jason is gonna hate me when he finds out what I said. He may never find out. I don't know. Jane may keep her mouth shut. She may not.

My life used to be simple. I miss the days when things were as simple as Bob, Joey, and I sitting down for coffee just trying to get one more day clean then we already had. All we wanted was to get away from the monster known as Crystal Meth. That's all we wanted. And then life showed up. Life has a really fucked up way of doing that.

I'd give my life to go back to those days. I truly would. I never say this out loud. But, they meant the world to me. None of my designer clothes could hold a candle to those times. Then again money doesn't buy happiness. It doesn't buy true love or true friends.

They didn't care where I came from or that I was just a little bit different than them. They saw that I was just an addict who would die if I didn't stay clean. They gave me the greatest gifts; friendship and love. I never tell anyone this, not even Joey, but there are times I miss Bob. He screwed us all over but I miss him. If I were to see him I would probably run in the other direction, not knowing what to say. Like I said, people peg me as a cold hearted bitch, or even a drama queen. You want the truth? Most of the time I'm nothing but a scared little girl...

Where do I start

There is just so much going on that I hardly even know where I could possibly begin. I suppose I will start with Joey and Alyssa. They broke up. It's not shocking, really. He called me twice today. I have him right back where I thought I wanted him. But, the funny thing is I don't want him anymore. What you think you want at one point, in the future, turns out to be the last thing you really want. A couple of months ago I would have been estatic if they had broken up. But, now? It's just sad. It really is.

Sammy is getting on my last nerve. She follows jason around like a lost puppy. It's all so rather pathetic, if you ask me. She sat next to him at dinner last night and gave all of the girls at the table a look that told all of us to back off. Her look told us if she couldn't have him none of us could. Well, it's true. No one is having him. He wants everyone. Well, maybe, Jane is the exception to this particular remark...

She told me last night that there is something between them, without a title. I don't know how much of this is what she would just want to be. Maybe there is still something there. But, I think I am slowly getting to the point where I don't think he's worth it.

He's the type you go out with. You have fun. But, nothing serious happens. We were dancing a little bit last night, bumping and grinding. He's fun. But, I don't think he's enough to make me happy for any considerable ammount of time. All he would do is leave me broken after stomping all over my heart. I truly deserve so much better than that.

Jason creates so much drama between the women and I doubt that he is aware of it at all. He flirts with all of the girls. We're all friends. I don't think he intentionally wants to hurt anyone. As bad as he can be, he canbe a very sweet guy. He doesn't see that his actions affect any of us. Maybe someone should say something. It won't be me... I think I will just remain silent on this one..

Musical chairs

I don't even know how to put everything that is going on in my life into words. I dropped out of college for now, work a job I simply loathe, and then some. But, where relationships are concerned my group of friends seem to be playing musical chairs. It would be amusing, I suppose, if you weren't me. At least that's what an observer has said. Amusing? I don't think so. Alyssa and Jason have been hanging out alot. I bet she's sleeping with him. All I can tell you is that I see Joey these days more than she does. How truly sad is that? People are starting to think that he likes me all over again. I will tell you one thing. There is absolutely no way I am going through that all over again. It's just not happening. Jason can do what he wants and so can Alyssa... But, if Joey gets hurt in the process I am going to be really upset. When push comes to shove I will defend Joey over Jason. There are no questions about it, none whatsoever...

Jason and I are going nowhere. We flirt, but he does that with alot of girls. He is nothing but a waste of time and energy. It's quite dissapointing because his level of potential is amazing. His words don't mean alot to me. He might as well just be a pretty boy and choose not to speak. It would make my life easier. So, let Jason and Alyssa do what they need to do. There's also another girl I believe Jason is interested in. Her name is Sammy. Let Alyssa deal with it, and see how it feels. I'm staying out of it. Who thought you would ever hear those words coming from me?

Sammy is alright. She's cute and quite friendly. She's really no match for me, but if Jason wants her, then I really don't want him anyway. I realize except for me he has no taste in women, at least not really. There's also a couple new girls who have joined our circle of friends. You won't be surprised to find that Jason was the first to welcome them with open arms. I mean that in a literal sense of the word.

One of them, Jane, happens to be Jason's ex girlfriend. I, surprisingly, adore her. She's a little bit awkward and rough around the edges, but her level of potential is what I see. I have taken her under my wing. Imagine what I can teach her. Jason seems less than thrilled with this turn of events. Do you think I really care? Ofcourse not. Then there is Alea. I like her a great deal. She is quite successful. She's just good friends with Alyssa. Not for long, though.

I have been nice to Alyssa, but she has got to watch her back. I'm not to be trifiled with. If she isn't careful I will take her man away, her friend, and even Jason. She's trying to take him from me. When it comes to taking things from me, I am simply ruthless. I will not apologize...

Being thrown into the Ocean is not my cup of tea

It really isn't. Jason and I had a spat of sorts on Friday. It was more as if we had come to a stand still. I decided to avoid him, that he just wasn't worth my time in any capacity. In any event, some of my friends were going to go to the beach on Sunday. I wasn't going to go. Then I realized how stupid it would be not to just because of him. I avoided him even though he saw me right away. I went towards the water with just the intention of putting my feet in the water. I saw him approach me. I turned towards the water.

I didn't hear anything at all. For a moment I wondered where he had gone. Well, I most deffinitely figured out where he had gone to when I felt myself being lifted off of the ground. Jason had picked me up and was carrying me towards the water. Ofcourse I was screaming numerous curses at him. Everyone was looking at us. I am quite used to it, and apparently by what Jason said so is he. He turns to the people who are watching us and says "Don't worry... This happens all the time..."

We flirted a bit throughout the day. I was even more confused then ever. But, I've decided I will flirt with him when I want to. I will leave him alone when I feel like it. I suppose that whatever happens happens. There's only one flaw in this plan. Lately I don't want to leave him alone. Tonight everyone is going to be there. I've invited Rashelle along, naturally. I do always need an opinion of another professional drama queen...

By, the way, I saw Joey for the first time in two weeks the other day. There were no feelings there at all. I was just happy to see my friend. I know I'm over him and have moved on to Jason. I just hope Jason isn't another disaster waiting to happen, or at least another dramatic scene. Oh, wait, my entire life is a dramatic scene. Rashelle likes to called it my personal Soap Opera. I love it. I truly do...

It's an upside down world...

It must be an alternate Universe I've arrive at if Alyssa and I text each other every day, constantly meeting up for coffee and dishing about the men in our lives. I even now hang out with Joey, and feel much less animosity towards him. And, you definitely know it's an Upside down World if Jessica and I are barely speaking and Lea and I have kissed and made up.

I've left home to start a life on my own. It's amazing how in one night everything in your life can change, and whatever is left of it is completely unrecognizable. Someone close to me thought that while I was forced to concentrate on what mattered my dramatic nature would be completely left behind. That, I must tell you, is not entirely true.

I have left Joey and Alyssa completely alone. When I was on vacation with Alyssa I realized how much she truly cared about him. If I didn't make him happy, or give him what he truly needed, did he not deserve to find it with someone else? Letting go is never easy, but in order to live again it is necessary. Living from and in the past is so unhealthy. Then there's this other guy. Jason is something else entirely...

I think I may have found my match where he is concerned. He's extremely good looking has a great job, prospects, comes from a well rounded family, and his intelligence rivals mine. When you meet someone of his nature you're either with him or against him. From the moment we met about two months ago a series of sarcastic quips and flirtation ensued. The only problem is he might beat me at my own game. I suppose one would be accurate in saying he's the Valmont or Casanova of our group. I can tell you for the first time I have absolutely no clue with this one. It's all hearsay at this point...

I may make the biggest mistake with Jason and take a genuine chance on him. I don't believe I have ever taken a genuine chance with someone in my life. One may argue and say I did with Joey, but not really. I could never bring myself to tell him the true nature of my feelings and act in an according manner. Isn't life about going after what you want? If it turns out to be a mistake, then I will learn from it. At least I will be taking a chance.

He's an enigma to me. He's a walking contradiction. There's something about him that makes me feel calm and secure, then there's something about him that makes me question everything. I completely trip over my words around him, as well as myself. It's quite embarrassing to say the least. We shall all see where this one goes...

I love Happy Endings

I have been so sick lately. It was absolutely horrible. I assumed I was about to die, or something else of the similar nature. But, your dramatic bullshit queen is back and better than ever. The first day I was actually able to be seen in public I of course wanted to see Jessica. All she could do was talk about the trip next week and how much fun the three of us were going to have, how I needed to give Alyssa a chance. She even went as far as to say I owed it to her. I was not hearing it.

So, how, you may ask, did I get talked into going? After all, this is the girlfriend of the one who pretty much betrayed me. How did I get stuck in this? He thinks I’m his good friend while his girlfriend believes I’m her friend as well. How did all of that happen? I couldn’t tell you, really.

I told Jessica that I would go, so at this point I can’t really get out of it. Well, let’s be realistic. If I had to pull out, I could. Given the certain circumstances, let’s just hope I don’t kill the silly girl, lose my mind over some idiotic comment she may make. Let’s face it. She’s not exactly the smartest woman I know. No wonder he is with her! It did bother him a great deal that I was smarter than him, which, by the way, is a difficult thing not to be. But, he went and found someone with less sense then he happens to posess. How did he manage such a thing? Whatever you do, don’t answer that question. The answer might have me paralyzed for months.

But, I believe in turning every bad situation into a good one, benefiting myself. Since she believes that we are such good friends I could plan the seed of doubt in Alyssa’s head. Who knows? Maybe by the end of this trip I will have managed to unravel their entire relationship. You never know. But, it very well could be coming to an end already at this point…

Monday night Alyssa and Sid were hugging for about five minutes, and she seemed almost nervous when I approached the two. But, as quickly as it came it left. I acted as if nothing out of the ordinary were going on. I kissed her on both cheeks to settle her nerves. So, at this point she could very well be having an affair with Joey’s close friend. He doesn’t even know it. Oh, his idiotic nature never ceases to amaze me! It almost destroys my soul how blind and simple minded he truly can be!

What would Joey do if things ended? Where would he go? I wonder who on earth he would possibly be able to turn to for comfort and support. He is oh so predictable that it is quite boring. He’d come to me all hurt. Of course I would console his supposed broken heart. I would wait for the first given opportunity. Then I would do exactly what he did to me. This story’s ending has already been written. As boring and predictable as it may be, I do not deny that I love the foreseeable ending. How could I? I always love an ending where I land on top. I believe I am about to completely steal the spotlight from her. Oh, this is too delicious for words. They have yet to be invented, I’d say…

They never wrote about blow jobs in the Bible

Tonight I was having dinner with some friends as usual. Mira happened be there with Sid, her counter part (or who would be her counter part if she could gain his interest). So, of course, they sat with us, seeing as they are acquaintances of ours. I use that word in the loosest sense. Speaking of loose…

Mira has had sex with anyone willing. I’m sure that you have heard the saying that age is just a number? Well, whoever brought those words to life must have had her in mind. I remember this particular time Joey and I were sitting around and smoking a couple of cigarettes. She waltzes up to him, interrupts our conversation wanting to know if she could feel his biceps. As I write this I realize just how ludicrous that entire situation was. I wish I could report to you that this is a joke. But, alas it isn’t. Anyway, let’s get back to the current story at hand before I cause the lot of you to vomit. I would not like to be held responsible for such a terrible thing…

As we were eating Sid was hinting at how she likes to swallow, then they proceeded on to whisper about something. Perhaps Sid has partaken in what many a male has? Who knows? I’ll bet he has. He’s a bit on the desperate side, if you know what I mean. I have heard that desperate times call for desperate measures. As soon as he said those words it took me back to a particular situation of sorts…

A friend or two of mine caught her in front of a church parking lot giving head to someone. What was wrong with the back of the church, one may ask. We could almost deduce that she wanted to get caught. Perhaps she wanted to build up a cliental. Isn’t giving head at a church sacrilegious? She surely must have been breaking some rule against God…

But, low and behold it says absolutely nothing in the bible about fornication in (or pertaining to this situation out of) the house of the lord. People had sex out of wedlock and were severely punished. Also, a King killed someone else’s husband so he could sleep with his wife. But, there is not one passage I have ever read about someone giving out a blow job of sorts. This was not the kind of conversation I wanted to have as I ate. I’m sure anyone could imagine why…