I miss him...

So much that sometimes it hurts from the inside out. I left my home and couldn't get Robert out of my head. I think about him so much and our memories together. I knew that it would hurt me beyond words if I saw him and it felt as if he forgot about me. No one told me that it would hurt even more if it felt as if nothing had changed when I saw him again. It took me three months to break him down, to make him just a little bit vulnerable. I worked over time to make him see that I wasn't like everyone else. And now I'm not around so much to see the change. But, I know it's there...

Last weekend I saw him and he just stared at me. He didn't even bother to hide his desire for me. It was written all over his face. I could do nothing but stare back at him. If he wasn't able to run and cover up his feelings, then why should I be able to?

It was him all along for me. I wish it wasn't, but it was. Mr. Wrong and I had a sexual chemistry as did RObert and I. But, with Robert, it went beyond that. I didn't have to pretend to be someone I wasn't. I could be a fucked up bitch to him, and he still wanted me. I didn't have to put off this facade.

The entire time I wanted Mr. Wrong the thought of giving up Robert tore me up completely on the inside. The thought of being without him, the thought of him not being in my life is like a slow death. I didn't want to want him because I knew it couldn't work that I avoided it at all costs. But, it was as if I just couldn't stay away from no matter what I said or did. I was his. And something tells me a part of him is mine.


Will it always be like this? The looks, the heated gazes we shoot at eachother kill me. Nothing has actually happened, but everytime we see eachother the fire has gotten bigger. We're friends. Bullshit. Friends don't talk like we do. They don't. They don't look at eachother like we do.

I remember that day he came the closest to saying he cared about me, even though things weren't completely over with his brother. I cried and cried my eyes out that day because no matter how I've fought it, how I've attempted to deny it, I love him...