It's a new year...

Happy New Years everyone... I hope you had an amazing new years eve. I sure as hell know that I did. I was so upset with my adoptive mother about so many things that I didn't think that I would go out and do anything at all. How silly does that sound. It was New Year's Eve for Christ's sake. Am I the only person who notices how we make a bigger deal over the eve of New Years, than the day itself? Anyway, so I went to this New year's Eve party my friend Shayla was hosting. Almost everyone I know was there. Well, everyone but Jason, that is. Jane did seem somewhat upset. I wonder if there's already trouble in paradise? Well, one can only hope...

It was a really good party. I am going to give you the short version because I am really tired. Joey got in trouble with Alyssa because he said I looked pretty. She was shooting me daggers all night. Jane looked uncomfortable. Alea was being overly nice. Whatever. Jasmine was there and we were dancing. Sid got it all on camera. Who cares? He hates me all of a sudden or something. I suppose it's Alyssa's doing. She makes everyone feel so sorry for her too much of the time. It makes me nautious. What the hell are we to feel sorry about?

It's not my fault that she's fat and white trash. I can't possibly be held responsible for that. I suppose she hates me for being gorgeous. Once again, that's no fault of mine. She can kindly blame that one on my genetics. I don't know. I am getting so tired of her and the shit she continually pulls. She's so boring and everyone loves her. In my opinion she's about as fascinating as going to the zoo... Yawn... Boring... This quote is so her...






I'll finish the story later. Alyssa is actually calling me. I should answer and see what the hell she wants...

Expectations are my downfall...

I place expectations on everyone. I expect people to behave a certain way or to be a certain thing for me. And they never turn out to be how I either percieved them or at least wanted them to be. It's truly my downfall. But, when all is said and done I just want people to love me and not dissapoint me so terribly. They always do.

I always end up loving all the wrong people and for all the wrong reasons. I give them everything I have until there's nothing left. I wish I was different in so many aspects of my personality. But, I'm not. I truly am a all or nothing type of girl. Either I love you or I don't. With me there is no middle ground. There needs to be but I simply can't seem to find it. I hate to say this, but it's tearing me up from the inside out.

Maybe my problem is I look for self acceptance in other people, and not from myself. Someone I loved more than anyone else once told me "Hang on tight, babygirl, this thing called life is a ride. You don't have to like it. The only requirement is that you live it..." All I can say at this point is that in the past nineteen and a half years I've done just that...

I should write a book...

At least I can tell you I am bored enough to do such a thing. My mother and I had dinner and then got into the hugest fight ever. We're sitting there, with, what was supposed to be a nice dinner, and I began crying my eyes out. I just wish that she would see things the way they were and that I am so unhappy with everything. I can say that this is the most unhappy Christmas Eve of my life. At least this time last year I was plastered beyond belief.

Well, Sarah says I should write a book and unlike all those other people out there I wouldn't even have to make anything up. I would ofcourse change everyone's name like I do on here. That way no one can stop me from talking all the shit that I want to. I realize, though, that if the people I know read this they would at least suspect I was talking about them. They probably would. Some people call me mean for saying some of the shit I say about people on here. I'm not a mean person by nature. I'm just bluntly honest. If you don't want your name dragged through the dirt stop behaving in a manner that would cause others to want to do such a thing.

I've had dreams about Jason lately. Who wouldn't? If he hadn't gotten that god awful hair cut he could have done some modeling. But, hair cut or not, he's still gorgeous. He's that guy you know will never be yours so instead he becomes your fantasy boy. Jason's deffinitely that alright. His main problem is that he's too beautifully fucked up for his own good.

Well, everyone, happy early Christmas. Everything always is alright on Christmas. I get some sort of token of love or giftcard. And then I shop. For that moment all of my problems go away. Either way I'm seeing my sister tommorow...

so, you want a soap opera?

How's this for a soap opera? I told Jane, Alea, and Alyssa something about this man, George, I had certain doings with at one point in time. Now, I do see my one mistake. The entire story wasn't true. But, I wanted to keep them from making the same mistakes that I had made. Why I wanted to do so is far beyond me. Perhaps I had a moment of weakness and decided to turn the other cheek. I don't understand it at all. They told everyone including the guy. It was this huge game of he said and she said. I was so angry and all but dropped off the face of the planet. I didn't talk to anyone for weeks. Well, I would talk to Jessica, Rashelle, and Naomi, but that was all. They have always been my trusted confidantes...

People watched me and were shock. Some of them even got the silly notion that I was done with drama. I suppose they thought I was on my way to settling down for a happy and boring existence. Then I did something. So, I'm adopted. I went and found my real mom. I have a younger sister who is just like me. It's unbelievable. There's enough drama there to keep it going. I'm visiting my biological mother right now. We're so much alike. Well, at least, now we know where I get my dramatic nature from... My sister and I want to write our very own soap opera. We most have enough life experience that we'll never need to pay writers! It's amazing really.

Last weekend I went out to celebrate with Jessica. She warned me to say that Alea, Jane, and Alyssa would be there. I looked fabulous. They saw me and smiled. I gave them a wider smile. I hugged and kissed all three of them. I told them how much I had missed them, and that we had to go for coffee soon. I even went as far as to hug and kiss George. I put everyone in a state of shock. But, it is what I live for...

So, let's see. Jason and Jane are back together. It's enough to make someone want to barf. How naive she is! I give it a couple months. And to think at one time I wanted to take her under my wing, teach her to be more like myself. She's not smart nor cunning enough. I shall not waste my time, energy, and efforts on something lacking potential. She lacks, finesse. My sister on the other hand has the potential to possess all of these qualities. She has so much potential.

Alyssa and Joey got back together. It leaves such a vulgar taste in my mouth. But, I see what no one else can. He no longer loves her. He probably just couldn't find anyone else willing to sleep with him. How pathetic they both are! They do deserve each other after all I'd say.

Well, my darlings that's all for now...

Lies, Lies, lies...

There's so many lies going on. I don't want to deal with any of this going on. I told a lie about Joey and Alyssa. I told a lie about Sammy. Joey keeps calling me, asking me what's wrong and why I won't call him back. I don't want to look him in the eye, tell him the truth, and see the hurt that lies there. That's the last thing I want. I can be a cold hearted bitch, at least that's what people who don't know me peg me as, but hurting him would be the last thing I want. He's one of my best friends. I don't deserve to even say I know him. I really don't. Does he know what I said? I don't know. I don't want to know. And Jason is gonna hate me when he finds out what I said. He may never find out. I don't know. Jane may keep her mouth shut. She may not.

My life used to be simple. I miss the days when things were as simple as Bob, Joey, and I sitting down for coffee just trying to get one more day clean then we already had. All we wanted was to get away from the monster known as Crystal Meth. That's all we wanted. And then life showed up. Life has a really fucked up way of doing that.

I'd give my life to go back to those days. I truly would. I never say this out loud. But, they meant the world to me. None of my designer clothes could hold a candle to those times. Then again money doesn't buy happiness. It doesn't buy true love or true friends.

They didn't care where I came from or that I was just a little bit different than them. They saw that I was just an addict who would die if I didn't stay clean. They gave me the greatest gifts; friendship and love. I never tell anyone this, not even Joey, but there are times I miss Bob. He screwed us all over but I miss him. If I were to see him I would probably run in the other direction, not knowing what to say. Like I said, people peg me as a cold hearted bitch, or even a drama queen. You want the truth? Most of the time I'm nothing but a scared little girl...

Where do I start

There is just so much going on that I hardly even know where I could possibly begin. I suppose I will start with Joey and Alyssa. They broke up. It's not shocking, really. He called me twice today. I have him right back where I thought I wanted him. But, the funny thing is I don't want him anymore. What you think you want at one point, in the future, turns out to be the last thing you really want. A couple of months ago I would have been estatic if they had broken up. But, now? It's just sad. It really is.

Sammy is getting on my last nerve. She follows jason around like a lost puppy. It's all so rather pathetic, if you ask me. She sat next to him at dinner last night and gave all of the girls at the table a look that told all of us to back off. Her look told us if she couldn't have him none of us could. Well, it's true. No one is having him. He wants everyone. Well, maybe, Jane is the exception to this particular remark...

She told me last night that there is something between them, without a title. I don't know how much of this is what she would just want to be. Maybe there is still something there. But, I think I am slowly getting to the point where I don't think he's worth it.

He's the type you go out with. You have fun. But, nothing serious happens. We were dancing a little bit last night, bumping and grinding. He's fun. But, I don't think he's enough to make me happy for any considerable ammount of time. All he would do is leave me broken after stomping all over my heart. I truly deserve so much better than that.

Jason creates so much drama between the women and I doubt that he is aware of it at all. He flirts with all of the girls. We're all friends. I don't think he intentionally wants to hurt anyone. As bad as he can be, he canbe a very sweet guy. He doesn't see that his actions affect any of us. Maybe someone should say something. It won't be me... I think I will just remain silent on this one..

Musical chairs

I don't even know how to put everything that is going on in my life into words. I dropped out of college for now, work a job I simply loathe, and then some. But, where relationships are concerned my group of friends seem to be playing musical chairs. It would be amusing, I suppose, if you weren't me. At least that's what an observer has said. Amusing? I don't think so. Alyssa and Jason have been hanging out alot. I bet she's sleeping with him. All I can tell you is that I see Joey these days more than she does. How truly sad is that? People are starting to think that he likes me all over again. I will tell you one thing. There is absolutely no way I am going through that all over again. It's just not happening. Jason can do what he wants and so can Alyssa... But, if Joey gets hurt in the process I am going to be really upset. When push comes to shove I will defend Joey over Jason. There are no questions about it, none whatsoever...

Jason and I are going nowhere. We flirt, but he does that with alot of girls. He is nothing but a waste of time and energy. It's quite dissapointing because his level of potential is amazing. His words don't mean alot to me. He might as well just be a pretty boy and choose not to speak. It would make my life easier. So, let Jason and Alyssa do what they need to do. There's also another girl I believe Jason is interested in. Her name is Sammy. Let Alyssa deal with it, and see how it feels. I'm staying out of it. Who thought you would ever hear those words coming from me?

Sammy is alright. She's cute and quite friendly. She's really no match for me, but if Jason wants her, then I really don't want him anyway. I realize except for me he has no taste in women, at least not really. There's also a couple new girls who have joined our circle of friends. You won't be surprised to find that Jason was the first to welcome them with open arms. I mean that in a literal sense of the word.

One of them, Jane, happens to be Jason's ex girlfriend. I, surprisingly, adore her. She's a little bit awkward and rough around the edges, but her level of potential is what I see. I have taken her under my wing. Imagine what I can teach her. Jason seems less than thrilled with this turn of events. Do you think I really care? Ofcourse not. Then there is Alea. I like her a great deal. She is quite successful. She's just good friends with Alyssa. Not for long, though.

I have been nice to Alyssa, but she has got to watch her back. I'm not to be trifiled with. If she isn't careful I will take her man away, her friend, and even Jason. She's trying to take him from me. When it comes to taking things from me, I am simply ruthless. I will not apologize...