I realized I'm still really screwed up in the head. This whole year has honestly been about trying to change, trying to leave behind the person I was. I've said this once. I'll say it again. I used to do alot of drugs. I used to drink. Every teenager does, I suppose. But, not every teenager gets as out of control as I did. I've now been clean for a year. And, I realize I want that instant gratification.
I want to people to see how much I've changed, that I'm different now. But, more than anything I want my mother and I to have the relationship back that we did. It's not happening fast enough for me. I'm afraid we'll never being close again and to be honest it makes me want to break down and cry. To be honest just a step further I did break down and cry, all through today. I didn't even want to talk to her today... Fuck that I didn't want to talk to anyone. I went as far as to shut off my phone. I see that it's true what I heard someone once say to me...
"Wounds heal, but scars are forever..."
How did Alea being a fucking bitch and Joey a coward bring me to this realization? I'm not sure. Alea called Lea a whore last night, but I didn't find out about it until this morning. If it had been just that I would have let it go. But, I have been dealing with shit from Alea, Alyssa, and Jane for months. It's gotten to the point where enough is enough. I'm so sick of them acting like they love me to death and then fucking with me like this. It's fucking pathetic.
Alea didn't call Lea a whore because she really thought that. Ofcourse she didn't. She called her such a name because she wanted to get to me. If you have something to say to me come to my face and fucking say it or shut the hell up about it. But, don't you dare even think about hurting one of my Best friends to achieve it. She said alot of other fucked up shit about Lea that I don't even want to get into...
Joey, Joey, Joey... He was supposed to help me out with something yesterday. At the last moment he backed out because he was so worried about what Alyssa would say. There's nothing in this world I hate more than being vulnerable. But, I am just going to come out and say it. He really, really, hurt me, by not standing up for me... I thought he would, but he didn't. I'm dissapointed in him...
Sunday, January 6, 2008
Saturday, January 5, 2008
When there's nothing going on in my life...
I like to thank the stars in Hollywood for giving me something to talking about. First of all Britney Spears has absoloutely lost her fucking mind, assuming that she had one to begin with. Seriously, who shows up to a deposition so late and then refuses to give the father her kids, when he has custody of them. Read the story here. It will not dissapoint you. I can promise you that much...
Don't even get me started on Lindsay...
Don't even get me started on Lindsay...
Thursday, January 3, 2008
Mr. Unmentionable returns...
Lea and I used to call him the unmentionable because of all the things he has done. The two of us decided that he doesn't even deserve to be called by his given name. But, sometimes we can't help but talk about him. There's just so much to say where he is concerned that it's quite unbelievable. Well, it would be if we were discussing someone who isn't him. Until recently we called him the unmentionable, Mr. Unmentionable to be precise. A couple of weeks ago I realized calling him by that name gave a sense power to him and to everything he had done. So, I began calling him by his given name once more. But, on here... I'll just call him Mr. Unmentionable. It makes things so much easier on me. It really does.
I can't believe he has returned. Well, of course I can. I just didn't really want to know anything about it, at all. There is a first time for everything, I'll tell you. It was bound to happen sooner or later. People in the armed services have to have pay leave. Why they do, I'm sure that I will never understand. They should just make them stay there the entire four or eight years away from their family. I know it's cruel and completely unlawful but then he would have never hurt me so deeply. Alright, so they should give everyone else leave, just not him. If he did not have leave that year he never would have done what he did what that stupid girl. I can still remember that morning as if it were yesterday... I'm sure it will always be in my memory somewhere for the rest of my life... It's not the sort of thing a woman forgets very easily. I can't think of one woman who forgets a sense of betrayal very easily...
I walked into his room that morning. He wasn't exactly what you'd call alone. I expected him to be all on his own. We were casually dating after all. We had kissed for the first time in months. He actually regretted it. He should have told me right away he just considered me as a friend and wanted nothing else to do with me. Perhaps we could have saved our three year long friendship at that point. There would have been a chance at such a thing. But, he had to behave as a young boy did. He began avoiding me. He led me on. And that morning he wasn't exactly in his bed on his own.
I remember looking at her, sizing her up. I tried to find some sort of plausible reason why I had been replaced by her. If I could have found one I may have come to an understanding of sorts about the entire ordeal. I continued to look at her. But, the only thought that ran through my head was that I was a great deal prettier than her. If her beauty had over powered mine it probably would have hurt twice as much as it did. But, I would have understood it at least on some level. But, I couldn't understand anything except that there was a knife being drawn into my heart.
At first I didn't feel anything. I was in a complete state of shock. It's difficult to say who was more shocked Mr. Unmentionable, Lea, or me. Of course the girl laying in bed with him had absolutely no idea what was going on. I remember sitting in Lea's car that morning. I wanted to cry, but no tears would come. I couldn't fathom it. Why weren't they coming? I was overwhelmed. I wanted to get drunk and forget everything. But, at that point I had been sober for over sixty days. I wasn't going to give that up for him.
When I was drenched in that sense of betrayal, anger, and pain I realized why I wasn't crying and creating a scene for all to watch. A woman in pain knows the show must go on. And in that moment in time, though I didn't quite realize it, I was beginning to grow up. I was eighteen years old then. Even I didn't know it at that point in time. That was the day I began to grow up. That day I learned that life wouldn't always go my way. I could lie and manipulate things if I wanted to. Those two things still didn't guarantee that I would always get my way.
I believe that day I came to a place of self acceptance. Though he had hurt me beyond words I had kept that sense of dignity and pride. Sometimes those are the only two things that a woman has to hold onto. And hold onto those two things, I did with all my might.
When I came out of the sense of utter shock I looked him in the eyes. Then I picked up my purse that I had left on his table. I didn't say one more word to him before I walked out of his room, out of his life forever. I think he saw by the way I looked into his eyes that I wasn't coming back. Nothing he could say or do would ever fix what he had done to me...
I can't believe he has returned. Well, of course I can. I just didn't really want to know anything about it, at all. There is a first time for everything, I'll tell you. It was bound to happen sooner or later. People in the armed services have to have pay leave. Why they do, I'm sure that I will never understand. They should just make them stay there the entire four or eight years away from their family. I know it's cruel and completely unlawful but then he would have never hurt me so deeply. Alright, so they should give everyone else leave, just not him. If he did not have leave that year he never would have done what he did what that stupid girl. I can still remember that morning as if it were yesterday... I'm sure it will always be in my memory somewhere for the rest of my life... It's not the sort of thing a woman forgets very easily. I can't think of one woman who forgets a sense of betrayal very easily...
I walked into his room that morning. He wasn't exactly what you'd call alone. I expected him to be all on his own. We were casually dating after all. We had kissed for the first time in months. He actually regretted it. He should have told me right away he just considered me as a friend and wanted nothing else to do with me. Perhaps we could have saved our three year long friendship at that point. There would have been a chance at such a thing. But, he had to behave as a young boy did. He began avoiding me. He led me on. And that morning he wasn't exactly in his bed on his own.
I remember looking at her, sizing her up. I tried to find some sort of plausible reason why I had been replaced by her. If I could have found one I may have come to an understanding of sorts about the entire ordeal. I continued to look at her. But, the only thought that ran through my head was that I was a great deal prettier than her. If her beauty had over powered mine it probably would have hurt twice as much as it did. But, I would have understood it at least on some level. But, I couldn't understand anything except that there was a knife being drawn into my heart.
At first I didn't feel anything. I was in a complete state of shock. It's difficult to say who was more shocked Mr. Unmentionable, Lea, or me. Of course the girl laying in bed with him had absolutely no idea what was going on. I remember sitting in Lea's car that morning. I wanted to cry, but no tears would come. I couldn't fathom it. Why weren't they coming? I was overwhelmed. I wanted to get drunk and forget everything. But, at that point I had been sober for over sixty days. I wasn't going to give that up for him.
When I was drenched in that sense of betrayal, anger, and pain I realized why I wasn't crying and creating a scene for all to watch. A woman in pain knows the show must go on. And in that moment in time, though I didn't quite realize it, I was beginning to grow up. I was eighteen years old then. Even I didn't know it at that point in time. That was the day I began to grow up. That day I learned that life wouldn't always go my way. I could lie and manipulate things if I wanted to. Those two things still didn't guarantee that I would always get my way.
I believe that day I came to a place of self acceptance. Though he had hurt me beyond words I had kept that sense of dignity and pride. Sometimes those are the only two things that a woman has to hold onto. And hold onto those two things, I did with all my might.
When I came out of the sense of utter shock I looked him in the eyes. Then I picked up my purse that I had left on his table. I didn't say one more word to him before I walked out of his room, out of his life forever. I think he saw by the way I looked into his eyes that I wasn't coming back. Nothing he could say or do would ever fix what he had done to me...
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
And Baby Makes Three...
I suppose that no matter how you look at this situation a baby could not possibly make three. Let's look at all the parties involved shall we. First off there is my ex boyfriend Jeff. Then we have his current girlfriend Leeanna. It would be quite cruel of me to leave out her other boyfriend (that Jeff just found out about, by the way) out of this equation, don't you think? His name is Derek, incase anyone cares, not that I would expect them to...
Out of all my past lovers Jeffrey was by far the most pathetic. I take that back. Second most pathetic, I should say. He broke off our relationship the first time (out of one hundred) after two weeks because he loved me and I couldn't say it back. I thought he was simply going insane and thought good riddance. I've learned through our on again and definitely off again relationship that he is in love with every woman he ever dates. Give him about three days. That's enough time for him to write a love poem, a marriage proposal, oh and I can't possibly forget about how he scripted out the rest of our lives. And no, I'm not joking...
Jeff and Leeanna met at a party one night. He thought that she was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. Mind you, every girl he ever meets is the "most beautiful girl he has ever seen." He couldn't understand why I wasn't surprised in the least bit when he claimed he was madly in love and had never felt this way before. This entire situation has been going on for about two months. He now wants to marry her. I of course thought he had simply lost his mind. It's doubtful I would marry someone even if I had known them for two years. Then he had the gall to ask me if I was jealous...
It's quite impossible to be jealous of someone who means so very little to you and has absolutely nothing you want. He of course was offended. I asked him if he could please get on with his story before I fell asleep on the phone. At that point I knew I could be more interested in some mindless thing either Jane or Alyssa were going on about. How truly horrifying!
Then he tells me something that causes the plot to thicken. It was something I hadn't heard from him yet. Leeanna was pregnant. There's a chance that he's the father. Derek could also be the father. Who knows? If she was stupid enough to sleep with Jeff it could very well be anyone's child. This is too good to miss.
I might some sense of pity for Jeff if he hadn't slept with the mindless woman in the first place. But, the part of this entire story that is too much for me to possibly fathom is the fact that he wants to be known as the child's father whether he really is or not. One may call him noble. In my expert opinion we may label him as an utter idiot. Let’s not forget the fact that he is only nineteen years old...
Out of all my past lovers Jeffrey was by far the most pathetic. I take that back. Second most pathetic, I should say. He broke off our relationship the first time (out of one hundred) after two weeks because he loved me and I couldn't say it back. I thought he was simply going insane and thought good riddance. I've learned through our on again and definitely off again relationship that he is in love with every woman he ever dates. Give him about three days. That's enough time for him to write a love poem, a marriage proposal, oh and I can't possibly forget about how he scripted out the rest of our lives. And no, I'm not joking...
Jeff and Leeanna met at a party one night. He thought that she was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. Mind you, every girl he ever meets is the "most beautiful girl he has ever seen." He couldn't understand why I wasn't surprised in the least bit when he claimed he was madly in love and had never felt this way before. This entire situation has been going on for about two months. He now wants to marry her. I of course thought he had simply lost his mind. It's doubtful I would marry someone even if I had known them for two years. Then he had the gall to ask me if I was jealous...
It's quite impossible to be jealous of someone who means so very little to you and has absolutely nothing you want. He of course was offended. I asked him if he could please get on with his story before I fell asleep on the phone. At that point I knew I could be more interested in some mindless thing either Jane or Alyssa were going on about. How truly horrifying!
Then he tells me something that causes the plot to thicken. It was something I hadn't heard from him yet. Leeanna was pregnant. There's a chance that he's the father. Derek could also be the father. Who knows? If she was stupid enough to sleep with Jeff it could very well be anyone's child. This is too good to miss.
I might some sense of pity for Jeff if he hadn't slept with the mindless woman in the first place. But, the part of this entire story that is too much for me to possibly fathom is the fact that he wants to be known as the child's father whether he really is or not. One may call him noble. In my expert opinion we may label him as an utter idiot. Let’s not forget the fact that he is only nineteen years old...
Why on earth would I want another dog...
I already have a beautiful pit bull. I don't need the human version of her. I really don't. That much is for certain. I've mentioned Allen before. I know that I have. It would be impossible for me to avoid such a thing as that. He is the most convenient man I know to use, abuse, and completely discard at anyone's earliest convenience. Lately he's been calling me and following me around like a pathetic puppy that you just can't seem to get rid of no matter how hard you may try. At least if I pet my dog for awhile and throw her a bone she'll leave my presence. Allen is not the same case, unfortunately...
As I wrote yesterday, Alyssa called me. She wanted to know if the rumors were true, if I was in fact seeing Allen. What a silly bint! How could she begin to imagine such a thing as possibly being true! Who could have come up with such a silly rumor as that? The very idea of it it's simply ludicrous. There's more of a chance that I'd marry Joey than ever go on a date with Allen. Even thinking of myself as married to Joey makes me want to hurl and not leave my house for days on end. You can imagine how vexed Alyssa must have been when I told her who'd I'd rather marry then ever be seen with Allen.
Allen has so many characteristics of a stalker that it truly amazes me. How can one man be that pathetic, if not completely desperate? I can't seem to get rid of him. Verona called me the other day. I'm sure you can only imagine how annoyed I was with the entire ordeal in the first place. She assumed I was after her ex- boyfriend. She's simply lost her mind, that one. I told her that I would never want to be so much as near him. I ventured further to ask her if she had seen what he looked like lately (never mind how he's always looked)? Then I ended the phone call with informing her that I would never take part in her sloppy seconds. Any woman would be a fool to involve herself with any man this woman has been with. God only knows what kind of diseases this woman has.
I’ve been thinking of Jason a lot lately, more than is probably healthy. I look at him and I see all the potential he possesses. It almost makes me sad as I watch him waste it and squander it on women who don’t see what he can truly do with it. He surrounds himself with so many silly women to say the least. I can’t think of a better way to describe Alyssa and Alea. Don’t even get me started on Jane. She’s so young and naïve. She can’t fully appreciate Jason for all that he could possibly offer.
At one point in time I wanted to mentor the poor girl. I don’t think I would have been met with much success. She would have been a waste of my time, or God only knows what she would have done with the information I would bestow to her angelic soul. I love watching her from afar, seeming to think she knows everything and that no one will knock her from that pedestal that she has placed herself upon.
Oh, what am I saying? She would never have the mentality to place herself at such a place. If I am to honestly look at this situation for what it truly is, Jason has placed her there. He has caused her to believe that she is more than she could ever hope to be. It takes a soul as wicked, twisted, and manipulative as mine to appreciate Jason’s work of art, so to speak.
I watch Jason’s smile with these different women. He smiles at all of them. They’ve all reported to me how sweet, lovely, and innocent he really is. What stupid women they truly are! They never see the smirk at the end of his smile, or the evil twinkle in his eyes. Only I do. And he knows this. That is why I was the first person he shared his transgressions against Jane with. He knew I would laugh and simply congratulate him on a job well done.
Sometimes I have to wonder why he surrounds himself with those idiotic women, instead of allying himself with the likes of me. He likes having women in his life he can play for a fool. These women can never begin to guess what cards he is holding in his hands. He knows I always know all his cards, as well as the future ones he will draw. I suppose people as wicked as ourselves should never work together for common vengeance. God only knows what would happen. Goodbye for now my darlings…
As I wrote yesterday, Alyssa called me. She wanted to know if the rumors were true, if I was in fact seeing Allen. What a silly bint! How could she begin to imagine such a thing as possibly being true! Who could have come up with such a silly rumor as that? The very idea of it it's simply ludicrous. There's more of a chance that I'd marry Joey than ever go on a date with Allen. Even thinking of myself as married to Joey makes me want to hurl and not leave my house for days on end. You can imagine how vexed Alyssa must have been when I told her who'd I'd rather marry then ever be seen with Allen.
Allen has so many characteristics of a stalker that it truly amazes me. How can one man be that pathetic, if not completely desperate? I can't seem to get rid of him. Verona called me the other day. I'm sure you can only imagine how annoyed I was with the entire ordeal in the first place. She assumed I was after her ex- boyfriend. She's simply lost her mind, that one. I told her that I would never want to be so much as near him. I ventured further to ask her if she had seen what he looked like lately (never mind how he's always looked)? Then I ended the phone call with informing her that I would never take part in her sloppy seconds. Any woman would be a fool to involve herself with any man this woman has been with. God only knows what kind of diseases this woman has.
I’ve been thinking of Jason a lot lately, more than is probably healthy. I look at him and I see all the potential he possesses. It almost makes me sad as I watch him waste it and squander it on women who don’t see what he can truly do with it. He surrounds himself with so many silly women to say the least. I can’t think of a better way to describe Alyssa and Alea. Don’t even get me started on Jane. She’s so young and naïve. She can’t fully appreciate Jason for all that he could possibly offer.
At one point in time I wanted to mentor the poor girl. I don’t think I would have been met with much success. She would have been a waste of my time, or God only knows what she would have done with the information I would bestow to her angelic soul. I love watching her from afar, seeming to think she knows everything and that no one will knock her from that pedestal that she has placed herself upon.
Oh, what am I saying? She would never have the mentality to place herself at such a place. If I am to honestly look at this situation for what it truly is, Jason has placed her there. He has caused her to believe that she is more than she could ever hope to be. It takes a soul as wicked, twisted, and manipulative as mine to appreciate Jason’s work of art, so to speak.
I watch Jason’s smile with these different women. He smiles at all of them. They’ve all reported to me how sweet, lovely, and innocent he really is. What stupid women they truly are! They never see the smirk at the end of his smile, or the evil twinkle in his eyes. Only I do. And he knows this. That is why I was the first person he shared his transgressions against Jane with. He knew I would laugh and simply congratulate him on a job well done.
Sometimes I have to wonder why he surrounds himself with those idiotic women, instead of allying himself with the likes of me. He likes having women in his life he can play for a fool. These women can never begin to guess what cards he is holding in his hands. He knows I always know all his cards, as well as the future ones he will draw. I suppose people as wicked as ourselves should never work together for common vengeance. God only knows what would happen. Goodbye for now my darlings…
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
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