Expectations are my downfall...

I place expectations on everyone. I expect people to behave a certain way or to be a certain thing for me. And they never turn out to be how I either percieved them or at least wanted them to be. It's truly my downfall. But, when all is said and done I just want people to love me and not dissapoint me so terribly. They always do.

I always end up loving all the wrong people and for all the wrong reasons. I give them everything I have until there's nothing left. I wish I was different in so many aspects of my personality. But, I'm not. I truly am a all or nothing type of girl. Either I love you or I don't. With me there is no middle ground. There needs to be but I simply can't seem to find it. I hate to say this, but it's tearing me up from the inside out.

Maybe my problem is I look for self acceptance in other people, and not from myself. Someone I loved more than anyone else once told me "Hang on tight, babygirl, this thing called life is a ride. You don't have to like it. The only requirement is that you live it..." All I can say at this point is that in the past nineteen and a half years I've done just that...

I should write a book...

At least I can tell you I am bored enough to do such a thing. My mother and I had dinner and then got into the hugest fight ever. We're sitting there, with, what was supposed to be a nice dinner, and I began crying my eyes out. I just wish that she would see things the way they were and that I am so unhappy with everything. I can say that this is the most unhappy Christmas Eve of my life. At least this time last year I was plastered beyond belief.

Well, Sarah says I should write a book and unlike all those other people out there I wouldn't even have to make anything up. I would ofcourse change everyone's name like I do on here. That way no one can stop me from talking all the shit that I want to. I realize, though, that if the people I know read this they would at least suspect I was talking about them. They probably would. Some people call me mean for saying some of the shit I say about people on here. I'm not a mean person by nature. I'm just bluntly honest. If you don't want your name dragged through the dirt stop behaving in a manner that would cause others to want to do such a thing.

I've had dreams about Jason lately. Who wouldn't? If he hadn't gotten that god awful hair cut he could have done some modeling. But, hair cut or not, he's still gorgeous. He's that guy you know will never be yours so instead he becomes your fantasy boy. Jason's deffinitely that alright. His main problem is that he's too beautifully fucked up for his own good.

Well, everyone, happy early Christmas. Everything always is alright on Christmas. I get some sort of token of love or giftcard. And then I shop. For that moment all of my problems go away. Either way I'm seeing my sister tommorow...

so, you want a soap opera?

How's this for a soap opera? I told Jane, Alea, and Alyssa something about this man, George, I had certain doings with at one point in time. Now, I do see my one mistake. The entire story wasn't true. But, I wanted to keep them from making the same mistakes that I had made. Why I wanted to do so is far beyond me. Perhaps I had a moment of weakness and decided to turn the other cheek. I don't understand it at all. They told everyone including the guy. It was this huge game of he said and she said. I was so angry and all but dropped off the face of the planet. I didn't talk to anyone for weeks. Well, I would talk to Jessica, Rashelle, and Naomi, but that was all. They have always been my trusted confidantes...

People watched me and were shock. Some of them even got the silly notion that I was done with drama. I suppose they thought I was on my way to settling down for a happy and boring existence. Then I did something. So, I'm adopted. I went and found my real mom. I have a younger sister who is just like me. It's unbelievable. There's enough drama there to keep it going. I'm visiting my biological mother right now. We're so much alike. Well, at least, now we know where I get my dramatic nature from... My sister and I want to write our very own soap opera. We most have enough life experience that we'll never need to pay writers! It's amazing really.

Last weekend I went out to celebrate with Jessica. She warned me to say that Alea, Jane, and Alyssa would be there. I looked fabulous. They saw me and smiled. I gave them a wider smile. I hugged and kissed all three of them. I told them how much I had missed them, and that we had to go for coffee soon. I even went as far as to hug and kiss George. I put everyone in a state of shock. But, it is what I live for...

So, let's see. Jason and Jane are back together. It's enough to make someone want to barf. How naive she is! I give it a couple months. And to think at one time I wanted to take her under my wing, teach her to be more like myself. She's not smart nor cunning enough. I shall not waste my time, energy, and efforts on something lacking potential. She lacks, finesse. My sister on the other hand has the potential to possess all of these qualities. She has so much potential.

Alyssa and Joey got back together. It leaves such a vulgar taste in my mouth. But, I see what no one else can. He no longer loves her. He probably just couldn't find anyone else willing to sleep with him. How pathetic they both are! They do deserve each other after all I'd say.

Well, my darlings that's all for now...

Lies, Lies, lies...

There's so many lies going on. I don't want to deal with any of this going on. I told a lie about Joey and Alyssa. I told a lie about Sammy. Joey keeps calling me, asking me what's wrong and why I won't call him back. I don't want to look him in the eye, tell him the truth, and see the hurt that lies there. That's the last thing I want. I can be a cold hearted bitch, at least that's what people who don't know me peg me as, but hurting him would be the last thing I want. He's one of my best friends. I don't deserve to even say I know him. I really don't. Does he know what I said? I don't know. I don't want to know. And Jason is gonna hate me when he finds out what I said. He may never find out. I don't know. Jane may keep her mouth shut. She may not.

My life used to be simple. I miss the days when things were as simple as Bob, Joey, and I sitting down for coffee just trying to get one more day clean then we already had. All we wanted was to get away from the monster known as Crystal Meth. That's all we wanted. And then life showed up. Life has a really fucked up way of doing that.

I'd give my life to go back to those days. I truly would. I never say this out loud. But, they meant the world to me. None of my designer clothes could hold a candle to those times. Then again money doesn't buy happiness. It doesn't buy true love or true friends.

They didn't care where I came from or that I was just a little bit different than them. They saw that I was just an addict who would die if I didn't stay clean. They gave me the greatest gifts; friendship and love. I never tell anyone this, not even Joey, but there are times I miss Bob. He screwed us all over but I miss him. If I were to see him I would probably run in the other direction, not knowing what to say. Like I said, people peg me as a cold hearted bitch, or even a drama queen. You want the truth? Most of the time I'm nothing but a scared little girl...

Where do I start

There is just so much going on that I hardly even know where I could possibly begin. I suppose I will start with Joey and Alyssa. They broke up. It's not shocking, really. He called me twice today. I have him right back where I thought I wanted him. But, the funny thing is I don't want him anymore. What you think you want at one point, in the future, turns out to be the last thing you really want. A couple of months ago I would have been estatic if they had broken up. But, now? It's just sad. It really is.

Sammy is getting on my last nerve. She follows jason around like a lost puppy. It's all so rather pathetic, if you ask me. She sat next to him at dinner last night and gave all of the girls at the table a look that told all of us to back off. Her look told us if she couldn't have him none of us could. Well, it's true. No one is having him. He wants everyone. Well, maybe, Jane is the exception to this particular remark...

She told me last night that there is something between them, without a title. I don't know how much of this is what she would just want to be. Maybe there is still something there. But, I think I am slowly getting to the point where I don't think he's worth it.

He's the type you go out with. You have fun. But, nothing serious happens. We were dancing a little bit last night, bumping and grinding. He's fun. But, I don't think he's enough to make me happy for any considerable ammount of time. All he would do is leave me broken after stomping all over my heart. I truly deserve so much better than that.

Jason creates so much drama between the women and I doubt that he is aware of it at all. He flirts with all of the girls. We're all friends. I don't think he intentionally wants to hurt anyone. As bad as he can be, he canbe a very sweet guy. He doesn't see that his actions affect any of us. Maybe someone should say something. It won't be me... I think I will just remain silent on this one..

Musical chairs

I don't even know how to put everything that is going on in my life into words. I dropped out of college for now, work a job I simply loathe, and then some. But, where relationships are concerned my group of friends seem to be playing musical chairs. It would be amusing, I suppose, if you weren't me. At least that's what an observer has said. Amusing? I don't think so. Alyssa and Jason have been hanging out alot. I bet she's sleeping with him. All I can tell you is that I see Joey these days more than she does. How truly sad is that? People are starting to think that he likes me all over again. I will tell you one thing. There is absolutely no way I am going through that all over again. It's just not happening. Jason can do what he wants and so can Alyssa... But, if Joey gets hurt in the process I am going to be really upset. When push comes to shove I will defend Joey over Jason. There are no questions about it, none whatsoever...

Jason and I are going nowhere. We flirt, but he does that with alot of girls. He is nothing but a waste of time and energy. It's quite dissapointing because his level of potential is amazing. His words don't mean alot to me. He might as well just be a pretty boy and choose not to speak. It would make my life easier. So, let Jason and Alyssa do what they need to do. There's also another girl I believe Jason is interested in. Her name is Sammy. Let Alyssa deal with it, and see how it feels. I'm staying out of it. Who thought you would ever hear those words coming from me?

Sammy is alright. She's cute and quite friendly. She's really no match for me, but if Jason wants her, then I really don't want him anyway. I realize except for me he has no taste in women, at least not really. There's also a couple new girls who have joined our circle of friends. You won't be surprised to find that Jason was the first to welcome them with open arms. I mean that in a literal sense of the word.

One of them, Jane, happens to be Jason's ex girlfriend. I, surprisingly, adore her. She's a little bit awkward and rough around the edges, but her level of potential is what I see. I have taken her under my wing. Imagine what I can teach her. Jason seems less than thrilled with this turn of events. Do you think I really care? Ofcourse not. Then there is Alea. I like her a great deal. She is quite successful. She's just good friends with Alyssa. Not for long, though.

I have been nice to Alyssa, but she has got to watch her back. I'm not to be trifiled with. If she isn't careful I will take her man away, her friend, and even Jason. She's trying to take him from me. When it comes to taking things from me, I am simply ruthless. I will not apologize...

Being thrown into the Ocean is not my cup of tea

It really isn't. Jason and I had a spat of sorts on Friday. It was more as if we had come to a stand still. I decided to avoid him, that he just wasn't worth my time in any capacity. In any event, some of my friends were going to go to the beach on Sunday. I wasn't going to go. Then I realized how stupid it would be not to just because of him. I avoided him even though he saw me right away. I went towards the water with just the intention of putting my feet in the water. I saw him approach me. I turned towards the water.

I didn't hear anything at all. For a moment I wondered where he had gone. Well, I most deffinitely figured out where he had gone to when I felt myself being lifted off of the ground. Jason had picked me up and was carrying me towards the water. Ofcourse I was screaming numerous curses at him. Everyone was looking at us. I am quite used to it, and apparently by what Jason said so is he. He turns to the people who are watching us and says "Don't worry... This happens all the time..."

We flirted a bit throughout the day. I was even more confused then ever. But, I've decided I will flirt with him when I want to. I will leave him alone when I feel like it. I suppose that whatever happens happens. There's only one flaw in this plan. Lately I don't want to leave him alone. Tonight everyone is going to be there. I've invited Rashelle along, naturally. I do always need an opinion of another professional drama queen...

By, the way, I saw Joey for the first time in two weeks the other day. There were no feelings there at all. I was just happy to see my friend. I know I'm over him and have moved on to Jason. I just hope Jason isn't another disaster waiting to happen, or at least another dramatic scene. Oh, wait, my entire life is a dramatic scene. Rashelle likes to called it my personal Soap Opera. I love it. I truly do...

It's an upside down world...

It must be an alternate Universe I've arrive at if Alyssa and I text each other every day, constantly meeting up for coffee and dishing about the men in our lives. I even now hang out with Joey, and feel much less animosity towards him. And, you definitely know it's an Upside down World if Jessica and I are barely speaking and Lea and I have kissed and made up.

I've left home to start a life on my own. It's amazing how in one night everything in your life can change, and whatever is left of it is completely unrecognizable. Someone close to me thought that while I was forced to concentrate on what mattered my dramatic nature would be completely left behind. That, I must tell you, is not entirely true.

I have left Joey and Alyssa completely alone. When I was on vacation with Alyssa I realized how much she truly cared about him. If I didn't make him happy, or give him what he truly needed, did he not deserve to find it with someone else? Letting go is never easy, but in order to live again it is necessary. Living from and in the past is so unhealthy. Then there's this other guy. Jason is something else entirely...

I think I may have found my match where he is concerned. He's extremely good looking has a great job, prospects, comes from a well rounded family, and his intelligence rivals mine. When you meet someone of his nature you're either with him or against him. From the moment we met about two months ago a series of sarcastic quips and flirtation ensued. The only problem is he might beat me at my own game. I suppose one would be accurate in saying he's the Valmont or Casanova of our group. I can tell you for the first time I have absolutely no clue with this one. It's all hearsay at this point...

I may make the biggest mistake with Jason and take a genuine chance on him. I don't believe I have ever taken a genuine chance with someone in my life. One may argue and say I did with Joey, but not really. I could never bring myself to tell him the true nature of my feelings and act in an according manner. Isn't life about going after what you want? If it turns out to be a mistake, then I will learn from it. At least I will be taking a chance.

He's an enigma to me. He's a walking contradiction. There's something about him that makes me feel calm and secure, then there's something about him that makes me question everything. I completely trip over my words around him, as well as myself. It's quite embarrassing to say the least. We shall all see where this one goes...

I love Happy Endings

I have been so sick lately. It was absolutely horrible. I assumed I was about to die, or something else of the similar nature. But, your dramatic bullshit queen is back and better than ever. The first day I was actually able to be seen in public I of course wanted to see Jessica. All she could do was talk about the trip next week and how much fun the three of us were going to have, how I needed to give Alyssa a chance. She even went as far as to say I owed it to her. I was not hearing it.

So, how, you may ask, did I get talked into going? After all, this is the girlfriend of the one who pretty much betrayed me. How did I get stuck in this? He thinks I’m his good friend while his girlfriend believes I’m her friend as well. How did all of that happen? I couldn’t tell you, really.

I told Jessica that I would go, so at this point I can’t really get out of it. Well, let’s be realistic. If I had to pull out, I could. Given the certain circumstances, let’s just hope I don’t kill the silly girl, lose my mind over some idiotic comment she may make. Let’s face it. She’s not exactly the smartest woman I know. No wonder he is with her! It did bother him a great deal that I was smarter than him, which, by the way, is a difficult thing not to be. But, he went and found someone with less sense then he happens to posess. How did he manage such a thing? Whatever you do, don’t answer that question. The answer might have me paralyzed for months.

But, I believe in turning every bad situation into a good one, benefiting myself. Since she believes that we are such good friends I could plan the seed of doubt in Alyssa’s head. Who knows? Maybe by the end of this trip I will have managed to unravel their entire relationship. You never know. But, it very well could be coming to an end already at this point…

Monday night Alyssa and Sid were hugging for about five minutes, and she seemed almost nervous when I approached the two. But, as quickly as it came it left. I acted as if nothing out of the ordinary were going on. I kissed her on both cheeks to settle her nerves. So, at this point she could very well be having an affair with Joey’s close friend. He doesn’t even know it. Oh, his idiotic nature never ceases to amaze me! It almost destroys my soul how blind and simple minded he truly can be!

What would Joey do if things ended? Where would he go? I wonder who on earth he would possibly be able to turn to for comfort and support. He is oh so predictable that it is quite boring. He’d come to me all hurt. Of course I would console his supposed broken heart. I would wait for the first given opportunity. Then I would do exactly what he did to me. This story’s ending has already been written. As boring and predictable as it may be, I do not deny that I love the foreseeable ending. How could I? I always love an ending where I land on top. I believe I am about to completely steal the spotlight from her. Oh, this is too delicious for words. They have yet to be invented, I’d say…

They never wrote about blow jobs in the Bible

Tonight I was having dinner with some friends as usual. Mira happened be there with Sid, her counter part (or who would be her counter part if she could gain his interest). So, of course, they sat with us, seeing as they are acquaintances of ours. I use that word in the loosest sense. Speaking of loose…

Mira has had sex with anyone willing. I’m sure that you have heard the saying that age is just a number? Well, whoever brought those words to life must have had her in mind. I remember this particular time Joey and I were sitting around and smoking a couple of cigarettes. She waltzes up to him, interrupts our conversation wanting to know if she could feel his biceps. As I write this I realize just how ludicrous that entire situation was. I wish I could report to you that this is a joke. But, alas it isn’t. Anyway, let’s get back to the current story at hand before I cause the lot of you to vomit. I would not like to be held responsible for such a terrible thing…

As we were eating Sid was hinting at how she likes to swallow, then they proceeded on to whisper about something. Perhaps Sid has partaken in what many a male has? Who knows? I’ll bet he has. He’s a bit on the desperate side, if you know what I mean. I have heard that desperate times call for desperate measures. As soon as he said those words it took me back to a particular situation of sorts…

A friend or two of mine caught her in front of a church parking lot giving head to someone. What was wrong with the back of the church, one may ask. We could almost deduce that she wanted to get caught. Perhaps she wanted to build up a cliental. Isn’t giving head at a church sacrilegious? She surely must have been breaking some rule against God…

But, low and behold it says absolutely nothing in the bible about fornication in (or pertaining to this situation out of) the house of the lord. People had sex out of wedlock and were severely punished. Also, a King killed someone else’s husband so he could sleep with his wife. But, there is not one passage I have ever read about someone giving out a blow job of sorts. This was not the kind of conversation I wanted to have as I ate. I’m sure anyone could imagine why…

The going ons within the middle of the week

I learned quite the valuable lesson Sunday night. Never allow your best friend to bowl when she is completely plastered. The ball may go against the near by wall instead of the lane itself. Since when do bowling alleys have bars? Have they always? Was it not enough that Rashelle drank at that party in West Hollywood a couple hours earlier? Why did we have to go bowling? Oh, yes. Now I remember. She knew her ex- girlfriend would be there. She wanted to prove to her that she was having a good time on her own. Naturally her ex-girlfriend wasn’t there. We did see some people we know. What was there left to do? I suppose drink, go bowling, and smoke a few cigarettes. I had my red bull, of course.

I simply adore Rashelle above anyone else. I truly do. There is not another soul I’ve come into contact with who understands my dramatic antics so well. It also doesn’t hurt that, like me, she always is up to date with exactly what is going on. Seeing as I was gone for five days, I was most appreciative of this factor. Who wouldn’t be?

Jennifer used to be someone I was very close to. She was almost like a sister to me. I noticed that every time she got into a new relationship she just got a little bit crazier, if you know what I mean. After awhile she just got a little bit too crazy and clingy for my liking. I had to dispose of her before it became a direct reflection upon me. I knew the moment Jennifer and Star hooked up it was going to be the biggest disaster of all. Of course I was right. This relationship turned out to be far more destructive than any of her past ones. Who starts planning their wedding after being together for two weeks? I know. Then there was the fact that Jennifer was only allowed to talk to me at certain times during the day. These were Star’s instructions. I was not going to be put under restrictions. And apparently, neither was anyone else in Jennifer’s life. After awhile Jennifer had no one except her relationship with Star.

It didn’t last forever as Jennifer had hoped it would. Then again, she always believes every relationship is going to. Star went on a cruise of sorts. When she returned she learned that Jennifer had betrayed her. She had slept with someone else. And, apparently, Jennifer is with this other girl now. From what has been told to me this other girl makes Star look like a super model. I must see this girl first hand. I find it rather difficult to believe that anyone could make Star look that way. But, if my information is correct, then what the hell was Jennifer thinking? All I can tell you is that Rashelle better keep me informed…

I’ve continued to keep a low profile lately. But, Jeff calls my insistently wanting to see me. I’m not interested. I don’t understand how I ever could have been. But, seeing as he’s my ex, that’s insinuates that at one time we were dating. He wants to see me this weekend. Too bad. I already have other plans. He’ll live. Or maybe I’ll get lucky and he’ll fall down and die. You never know…

Joey called me this week. Three times to be precise. Two out of the three times I chose not to answer his call. The third time I answered on the last ring and made a quick excuse not to talk to him. Talking to him for those few moments took me back to the days when things were very different between us.

At first when things were over I missed him. I missed being around him anytime I wanted. I missed our late night coffee chats. Something about him made me feel safe from the get go. I missed being able to depend on him. I missed so much about him that I probably could have written pages about it. Then I stopped missing him because he no longer missed me.

I remember that night. I laid awake until dawn wondering why things had changed so drastically. Then I realized that it didn't really matter. They had changed and he had let me go. Nothing in the world would be able to alter this particular factor. It was over with. We couldn't fix what had been broken over time.

When Alyssa came into the picture I had one last chance to save whatever was left and I chose not to. He wanted to see me. I remember him saying how he missed me. I made up an excuse, immediately dismissing him. I wasn’t going to hang on to him any longer, not when somebody else wanted him. And unbenounced to him at that point he wanted her as well. I wasn’t about to made a fool of. Not this time. Not again. Now I realize I don’t want things to be the way they were. We live separate lives that always collide with each other. They don’t have to intertwine, though. I believe that that is just fine by me. He can live his life while I live mine. It could never have worked out. In the words, of my friend Samantha, he will never maintain the same level of fabulous that I do…

My enemy's smile

My vacation was fabulous. I had a marvelous time. I may even move there one day. We shall see, won't we? Time can only tell. I flew home on Friday evening. I could have stayed a couple of more days and remained content. You will find this to be most unusual, but for the moment I am keeping a low profile... I've only been home for about two days. Not too much has happened. Well, to be completely honest...

The Friday before the Sunday I left for my trip I came into contact with Alyssa and Joey. I profusely thanked him for the directions he gave me. I told him I did not know what I would have done without him and so on. I believe you get the picture. I proceeded on to give him a hug as well as a kiss on the cheek. He must have been quite confused seeing as that night before I dismissed him completely. If he was confused in any form he covered it up well by declaring that I could always depend on him. Did I mention Alyssa was there when this entire exchange was going on? She did not look so happy with me. Do you think that bothered me? Of course not. I was completely delighted with this turn of events...

I chose to be so catty for one reason only. I wanted her to know her place. I CHOSE to step aside and allow her to be in the spotlight. If she isn't careful I can take it away. She won't tell Joey about all of this because she won't want to look bad in his eyes. She is aware that he considers me one of his friends. Why he does, I'm sure I do not know.

Can you believe that Jessica wants the three of us to vacation together? Oh, my God. Has Jessica absolutely lost her mind? She's on some sort of mission to save Alyssa's soul or something else equally as horrible. I've got to talk to Rachel about this. I don't know if I could survive being on the same trip with her. I do not care where it is...

She plays the girlfriend card as I've explained. I wanted to make it known to her that we are not friends. Do you want to know the most upsetting part in all of this? I'm not completely convinced that the message has been received. I know what she's doing. At this point it doesn't really matter if she knows that.

In any event, I saw her after I got back into town. She was all smiles. I returned her smile with a hint of a smirk. Then I warmly embraced her. I can see that no one has told her to be aware of your enemy's smile. You never know what they are planning next...

The weekend update... unless something devestating happens

It is Friday morning. I do not have much time to give you today. I still have yet to pack. My room is simply a fright. Don’t ask me how it happened once more. Later in the afternoon I am going to lunch with some of my girlfriends. In the early evening I have plans with my family. Friday late night belongs to a certain group of people, unfortunately. So I shall just give you an update on some of the people who we’ve already discussed…

Who knows what is going on with Alyssa? She was probably busy sucking off Joey last night. What other purpose could she possibly serve where he is concerned? I cannot think of one. If you can possibly come up with a plausible one do us all a favor and contact the media at your earliest convience.

I suppose that this would bring us to Joey. I called him last night when I was on the road. I needed directions to a particular location. He seemed somewhat hurt that that was the only reason I was calling. I do not care. Did he expect me to call and tell him all about the going ons in my life? I don’t think so…

Mr. X and his girlfriend, Rhea, are having problems. She suspects that he has not completely been faithful to her. What was the twit’s first clue? Don’t answer that question. I’m not sure that I am quite prepared to know the true level of her stupidity. Lea of course was very unsupportive towards his situation. He was surprised that she was being such a bitch. I could have told him that one…

I haven’t seen Verona since she dumped Allen. I did see Allen last night though. He looked completely devastated, even heartbroken. Perhaps he missed being yelled at and having to baby-sit her children at any given moment?

That is it for now. But, if something devestating happens I will be forced to make time in my busy weekend to tell you all about it...

The Distasteful Drama Queen

I never have quite comprehended how they go about it. Some drama queens just do not know how to carry themselves in a respectful manner. They cause those they are associated with to look down on them as well as their actions. Perhaps it’s because they lack beauty as well as poise. No matter what I do I gain an audience and the women involved, the ones that matter anyway, rally to my cause. Verona, as we will call her, is a distasteful drama queen. Some of the women in my life were talking about her this morning. She has children at such a young age. She has a boyfriend as well as a girlfriend. She has chosen to involve herself with Allen. She has included him in every single one of her affairs. She leaves her children at any given moment with this young man. I for one do not understand how men will put up with the bullshit of a young woman who doesn’t have any prospects. Perhaps, it is because they are so very similar. I do not know.

She has caused quite the uproar from what has been told to me. I think we should all ignore her, pass her by, and continue on with the quality of our lives. Yes, I am quite sure she is a backstabbing silly girl. No one is disputing this particular factor. There are so many these days that it is turning into a trend of sorts. It’s all so nauseating and simply boring, really. They are all quite the same. If you’re going to do something gravely inappropriate or behave in a scandalous manner, at least carry yourself in a way where everybody watching, cannot predict the ending. At least in that manner, people will be forced to admire you. Can we admire this distasteful drama queen? I think not. In this case I believe we may be forced to condemn her actions… If someone admires her I would be forced into considering the source of the admiration…

It could cause Devestation

I am simply terrible. I truly am. You can judge for yourself when I tell you what has happened now. There is a certain guy in my ex best friend’s past. We’ll call him Mr. X and the ex best friend, Lea. Mr. X was basically a man whore, who was a dear friend of mine. In any event, Lea wanted him. She hooked up with him. Before I explain the arising situation I should tell you more about Lea.

Lea was always quite the sex addict. I could see it before she even engaged in the act of sex itself. No one knew about it, of course. She always kept it very hush- hush. But, ofcourse, I knew all about it. What Did I tell you? I know everything. I wonder what her parents would say if they knew the truth about their adoring daughter’s hobbies? Where would I even begin? Where would it all end? Her parents just might die of a heart attack or something equally as awful. My knowledge about her life could blow it to pieces if I put the right information in the wrong hands.

I trusted her more than I have ever trusted another human being. I made her apart of every aspect of my life. What does she do in return? She turns around when I am not looking, and stabs me in the back! I don’t get over a grudge easily, at least not until I have had my revenge. And I will.

Mr. X has always showed a varied degree of interest in me. I could very well use it against him and Lea in one fall swoop. Everyone gets what they want except Lea. This would crush her. It would devastate as well as destroy her. I wonder if her new boyfriend knows what I know… If I go through with both parts of my plan… I don’t know if anything would ever be the same. I haven’t made a final decision yet. We’ll see what I decide…

Goodbye, Goodbye

A dear friend of mine, whom we shall call Sarah, thought it would be perfectly acceptable to go off to New York for about two months. I do not enjoy saying goodbye to people at all. I suppose that it would have been somewhat appropriate if I wasn’t going on a small trip myself. So, today was the last time I am to see her before she leaves. What did I do? I hugged her tightly and wished her a good trip. What is happening to me? I didn’t even cry. I didn’t moan. My body didn’t feel as if it was dissipating. I will miss her with a great sense of desperation though. Oh, I do hope she enjoys New York. Darling, makes sure you go shopping. You will make me so proud if you do that. What on earth do I think I am saying? You always make me proud. Goodbye, my friend. Goodbye. I shall await your return with baited breath…

The Romantic couple of the year

Sometimes I do talk a bit too much. I never quite know when to shut up because I tend to know what is going on with absolutely everyone. That is not my fault. It’s quite a gift, really. I spoke the truth as I saw it. I truly did. I just don’t know if Joey would see it that way or Alyssa.

I found myself wondering what attracts men to her. I believe it’s because she’s low maintenance. She doesn’t require a lot and she doesn’t have much class either. She’s not particularly brilliant. Her teeth, well, we won't even go there. Yet, all of the men in my program seem to pay a lot of attention to her, seem to think that she’s gorgeous, or at least something else equally as rediculess. It’s simply appalling. It truly is. But, most of those men are on General relief or in some sort of half way house. Of course they’d be attracted to white trash. How cruel I’ve been! How could I have possibly been this upset and somewhat angry with them? She’s within reach. She’s a working class girl. Oh Joey and Alyssa’s relationship is truly a Drug Addict’s love story.

Joey is on probation and this girl is doing community service. They met when she was just beginning the process of getting things together. Though, he is somewhat on his feet, it’s still like watching the blind leading the blind. Is this not the stuff romantic novels are based on? I truly hope they could come up with something just a little bit more exciting! They hang out at my program with each other. I’m sure the attraction is there, but I don’t see the fiery spark, the bolt of lighting as my mentor would put it. They’re boring to watch. Their relationship is like watching a slow movie that promises to have a riveting ending. You keep your eyes glued to the screen waiting for the movie to either pick up speed or just end, preferably with a sense of devastation, distraught, pain, and sorrow.

So, I’ve detained you long enough. I might as well as tell you what I was gossiping about. I was talking to a dear friend of mine. We shall call her Jessica. She hates gossiping on any level and I highly respect that about her. That is what makes us such good friends. In any event I brought up a situation that happened at our program last Saturday, in which Alyssa didn’t behave appropriately. In the beginning my thought process was not what it should have been, but I corrected it and took the right action. But, Alyssa carried on and on about the situation at hand. At that point, I saw her true colors. I shared with Jessica what happened and exactly how I viewed Joey’s situation with Alyssa. He doesn’t realize what he has gotten himself into. He really doesn’t. He seems to love dramatic women. Why do you think he used to have feelings for me?

I trust Jessica. I am just somewhat concerned that she will feel the need to rectify this particular situation, to either allow Alyssa to know she’s unhappy about how she chose to carry herself or else, to help her find her path. I think she should just let the silly girl fall flat on her face. No matter what Jessica decides it will happen. I will no longer say anything out loud about it. But when she falls, and she will, I will laugh. She wants to play the girlfriend card; wants to be friendly with us, she can go right ahead. I have absolutely no problem playing a role.

When things end with Joey, and they will, whose side are they going to take? They will take his. They always do. Since he is a good person (A factor I shall not deny), he can do no wrong in their eyes. It will be her fault. And who will she have to lean back on? Perhaps there will be a man, who wants nothing more than to use her. Being used by someone does nothing more than diminish the woman she could have been.

I will silently laugh at all of this. She wants to live her life in the program spotlight. I did it for awhile. I will not take her moment away from her. Who am I to deny her that right? If I really wanted to I think I could knock her off her high horse. But, why waste my time on those people? She’ll learn soon enough. You’ll see…

My Introduction

INTRODUCTION…. He betrayed me…

I am going to tell you exactly what is going on, no lies. I belong to a program of sorts. We’ll just call it that, alright? Fuck it. I’m a drug addict. It really isn’t that shocking. We’re getting off topic here, not that I really got into the topic in the first place. I did on some level, though. I was about to tell you what was really going on. Hold on. I should introduce myself first. I can’t give you my real name. You might know me. And if you don’t have my name you can go on thinking you do, when I could be just like someone you happen to know. Just call me your Dramatic Bullshit Queen.

Alright, so back to what I was originally going to tell you about. I am so tired of this new girl on the scene. She carries herself in a manner that one may find acceptable. She is even quite friendly. Or so she pretends to be. She’s with the guy I thought I once liked. Let me tell you EXACTLY what happened there. It was a classic once upon a time, never going to happen again type of deal. He turned out not to be smart or cool enough for me. Oh, well. At least through him I was able to create a situation worthy of the soaps.

We’re going to call this guy Joey, even though that’s the name of this other loser. Oh, well. I enjoy being catty. It’s in my dramatic and gossiping nature. We’ll call his friend Bob. That’s the name of my old dealer. He was an even bigger loser then the real Joey. Are you guys slightly following here? We’ll call the new girl/new girlfriend Alyssa. I once knew an Alyssa who was more dramatic and tearful then I can be. Oh, what a frightful thought that one is!

So first I met Bob. He was cool, freakin whatever. He had a girlfriend, but I flirted with him a little bit. Joey got dragged along for the ride in the beginning. Then I realized Bob had nothing but good looks, and even then… it was only his face. A lot of stuff happened in between, but I am far too tired to divulge completely. I will later, darlings. I promise. Though Joey wasn’t the cutest he had potential or at least I thought he did. I brought a friend of mine into the picture. What do you think she did? She was quite large and undesirable, if I do say so myself. She had sex with Bob and made a pass for Joey. I took the girl out of the picture. How? Never mind that one. A drama queen never reveals her secrets, because she truly has none. They are shouted from the roof tops. Alyssa entered. I was betrayed and left for someone who was less prettier than I am…

I knew she was trouble from the beginning. I said to myself she’s going to go for Joey. What happened a couple of weeks later? They’re holding hands. I was seething with rage. Did she not understand that I had property claims on this guy? I wanted to shout, yell, scream, cry, what fucking ever.

The drama queen remains silent. And you will be the only ones to know what has happened, and in the future what will happen… Enjoy… My life is a soap opera. The world is my stage. And my acquaintances are my publicity. What was it that Madonna said? I believe it was any publicity is good publicity…