He called me...

I was on the phone with Jessica earlier. I was so upset that he wasn't at the meeting. She was telling me to let him go, that I was inviting hell into my life that I was setting me up for a fall. I might be. But, incase you couldn't tell, that's not stopping any of this from happening...

She told me that he had gone to the other Wednesday meeting. That's the meeting almost everyone goes to except for Joey and I. Let's see. Jason goes with Jane. Alyssa goes with whoever will take her. Alea sometimes goes with Evan, who is her on and off again fuck buddy. I don't think I wrote about that one yet. My point is that all the girls I pretty much hate go to that meeting except for Jessica.

As she was telling me how good he looked and how well he seems to be doing I had all these images of Mr. Wrong being another guy these girls took from me. They took Joey and Jason... And the last thing I want is to lose Mr. Wrong to these rediculess girls...

After her and I hung up the phone I had all these images in my mind of them sucking him in and that my supposed hold on him would completely disappear. I could just imagine seeing him around them all the time and it would be as if I no longer existed. I imagined him being afraid to show such open affection towards me as he did Tuesday night. That thought made me so sad...

Anyway, I checked my voicemail and he had called me. The hugest smile made its way to my face. All thoughts of him forgetting about me disappeared as I heard him apologize for not showing up to the meeting. Then he said that he would call me back tomorrow...

I had to call him back, naturally. We had one of our normal conversations. By normal conversation I mean hidden sexual innuendos, arguing, insulting each other, which is always followed by us hysterically laughing. It sounds all so normal, right?

Nothing's changed between us. If anything when I see him tomorrow he'll be more affectionate than ever, at least it’s what I am hoping for. I am going to milk it for all its worth.

I just have to work on being a little bit nicer to Mr. Wrong. The physical attraction is definitely there. But, if I want him to like me more than that I have to work on a couple of things. I can’t wait until tomorrow…

Dissapointment...

I feel sorely dissapointed right now. I expected Mr. Wrong to be at my meeting tonight and he didn't show up. Neither did his brother. I expected to see the both there. I don't even know why I am this upset over it. I didn't see Mr. Wrong for five months. Why the hell am I tripping so terribly over a day. I'm just worried that maybe he hung out with Esther or some other girl I don't even want to think about...

Then I sat here with my thoughts and wondered if he got loaded. That's probably the last thing that happened. I don't know why he didn't show up, but I'm worried that maybe it was me. Maybe he didn't want to see me. How rediculess does that sound?

We were all over eachother last night. How the hell is that going to change in less than 24 hours? I doubt that it's going to. We were acting like a couple last night. I spent time in his arms and I loved it. I don't want to lose that feeling. But, what if there's nothing I can do to stop that from happening? What if I can't have him no matter what I do? The thought of that practically kills me inside...

Allen made a sexual inuendo tonight and all I wanted was for the twins to be there. It wouldn't have mattered to me which one at that point. He behaves around them. I barely wanted any other guy to hug me tonight? You think Mr. Wrong feels like that for a second? Absolutely not. I'll bet I'm just another girl to him, another willing body to hold...

It sucks knowing someone means something to you and there is a low chance that you come anywhere near meaning that to them. I just want to mean alot to him. I want to be his. And I doubt that will happen. I want it to more than anything. But, are things really over with Esther? I want them to be, but you can't always have what you want. I just want to see him, god damn it...

Welcome Home Mr. Wrong...

You got it. He is back for good. He just seems to keep popping up out of nowhere over and over again these days. I can't lie and say that I am not happy that he's back. I'm fucking ecstatic. Words can barely describe how I feel at this point. I am so confused...

Around 4 p.m I get a text from Jasmine saying that she is sitting next to Mr. Wrong and that he told me hello. All I could think was what in God's name was going on? She told me that he was visiting or something. I knew that meant he would be at the meeting later. I quickly came home from the beach and set about getting ready.

I looked fucking hot when he saw me. He gave me a huge hug and told me that he was here to stay. You might be able to imagine how shocked I was at all of this. Does anyone tell me anything anymore? I'm the Dramatic Bullshit Queen for God's sake. I used to know everything.

So, ten minutes later we were still hugging and it stayed that way until the meeting started. He would look at me here and there throughout the meeting. He got quite upset when Robert showed up late and sat next to me. At the break I was freezing and he pulled me into his arms to warm me up. People passed by and said that we were hugging for too long. Neither one of us stopped.

"You've only been home for one day..." admonished his aunt.

She had a small smile on her face as he all but ignored her and picked me up. I don't think she minded as much. But, his mother... Oh, fuck. What the hell will his mother say if this goes any further? I don't even want to think about it. She's gonna kill me. And killing me is the nicest way of putting it...

So we all went out to eat and he sat next to me. Before that we were in front of the restaurant holding eachother again. He had his arms wrapped tightly around me and I was as close to him as humanly possible. On the way home he had his arm around me. I felt safe. I think I will always chase after the feelings I get from being in his arms.

I'm seeing him on Friday. I can't wait. I've decided something. I will not have sex with him again unless he makes me his girlfriend. He doesn't get what he wants unless I get what I want. It's just that simple at this point.

A piece about addiction...

I want to go see Mr. Wrong so badly next Friday, but I've resolved to stay completely away from him until he comes home. I refuse to see him. It's just not a good idea. Besides, I am more than sure that Esther will play the dutiful ex- girlfriend and go visit him. If he wants to, he can call me when he gets home. Hmm, let me rephrase that. He had better call me when he gets home. But, it's not supposed to be this hard to stay away...

One here is the only time that I am ever completely honest. I think that I have co dependency issues as does Mr. Wrong. I want what I can't have, or at least shouldn't have. And if that's not enough I know that I am seeking validation from both Robert and Mr. Wrong because I don't know how to give it to myself.

I never had to deal with all these god damn feelings before. It still feels so new to me. Sometimes life seems as if it was easier when I was still getting loaded. My life, in all honesty, was about getting dope at all cost. There was no such thing as a consequence too high to pay.

I come from a family that doesn't have drug addicts as children. It just doesn't happen. I was a spoiled bitch who was used to always getting her way. I went to private schools my entire life for Christ's sake. Before I fucked everything up everyone said I was bound for the top UC schools.

I suppose that my point that I am making is that the disease of addiction doesn't give a fuck who the hell you are or where the fuck you come from. It just doesn't. Once it gets its claws inside of you it owns you for life. It doesn't matter if you are still using or not.

I heard someone at a speaker meeting once say that if you want to get loaded you better not leave the room without telling someone how you feel. And if you choose to use again you better pray to god you’re not an addict. Those words have stuck with me throughout this year of being clean...

I don't usually write all that much about my addiction on here. I started this blog because I was so angry with Joey for choosing Alyssa over me. I was so furious with him that I hardly knew what to do with myself. So, I started writing on this. And, somehow, slowly, this blog is sort of taking on a life of its own... You never know what may be written on here... You never do...

I'm still in a state of shock...

I cannot remember the last time I was this shocked. I think I would have been less shock if someone told me that for a living Alyssa was a stripper. What am I talking about? If anything that is to be expected.

Every single Sunday night I go to this one meeting with my sponsor. I was talking to Nelly on the phone before the meeting as I smoked a cigarette. And from the corner of my eye I thought I saw Robert in the dark talking with some of my other friends. He comes out of the shadows. And low and behold its Mr. mother fucking Wrong. I of course ended my phone call with Nelly. I had to make sure I was not seeing things.

As you might imagine my heart came to a complete stop. I just looked at him and he looked at me. He didn't come over but just kept on staring at me in the most unnerving way. He then smirked at me and walked on over.

"Hello..."

"What you aren't going to give me a hug," I asked.

He scooped me up in his arms and he hugged me. Then we began wrestling like we did in his treatment facility.

"I can get you back properly since I'm not at the facility right now..."

Then he pulled me into his arms and I was struggling my hardest against him. I ended up propelling him against my friend's car. There we were in that moment. He was up against the car and I was against him, almost as close as humanly possible. My friend made a comment and I was forced to put away.

"You better watch it. I'm going to kick your ass..."

"You keep saying that," he insisted.

"I will. Oh, wait you might like that."

I smiled as I noticed recognition light up in his eyes. He remembered that conversation we had had. I had to get out of there for a minute. I seriously felt as if I was suffocating at that point in time. I called Nelly as I walked away far enough so that he could not here me.

"He's here..."

"Who's here?"

I quickly explained to Nelly what was going on. I told her I may have to come see her sooner than I thought I would have. I also told her about the fact that he would be home in fifteen days. Fifteen mother fucking days! What happened to May? I liked the sound of May... I really did.

"I love you too," mimicked Mr. Wrong from a couple feet away.

"Oh, god I hope you don't," I chastised.

He followed me as I walked into the meeting. He even sat across from my sponsor and I. All throughout the meeting he would give me these looks where I swore I couldn't breathe. They were worse than the ones that Robert would give me. They are too much to handle.

Anyway, during the meeting Mr. Wrong shared. And then Robert shared. Then something happened that I never thought would. Mr. Wrong broke down in tears. He had his hands over his eyes so that no one could see him. As Robert shared I could tell he was on the verge of tears. He told Mr. Wrong that he loved him and that he was proud of him. It almost brought me to tears. I was happy when the smoke break came.

I went to talk to two girls that I had never seen at the meeting. I figured that if I can't completely obey my 60 day man restriction I could at least show my sponsor that I was reaching out to women, and wanted them in my life.

"Hi, I'm Esther. It's so good to see him do well. I'm his ex girlfriend. I've visited him a couple of times at his treatment facility..."

As Esther told me all of this my heart literally stopped beating once more. I closely inspected her as I made sure I had a warm and welcoming expression on my face. This was an ex girlfriend of his? Which one? There had been so many in his past.

Then I noticed she was somewhat heavy weight. I looked at her car and that she clearly had money by the way she was dressed. It all finally made some sort of sense to me. This was the girl he had lived with. This was who I was running against. It shouldn't be that difficult. I am a great deal more beautiful than she is. But, if anything I've learned from Alyssa and Jane that looks are not always everything. Sometimes feelings go past that.

After the meeting she took my number. Then she gave Mr. Wrong two huge hugs before leaving. She told him to call her when he got out. He said that he would. As she left I did the same thing. He smiled because he knew what I was doing. I told him I am looking forward to hanging out with him. He actually called me baby. Then I gave him one final long hug and a kiss on the cheek. He got in the car and waved at me. I winked. I've made up my mind...

I haven't made a true play for someone in three years. When I pull out all the stops I get the man every time. I am going to make the biggest play for Mr. Wrong. If Esther wants to compete go ahead. I've decided he's going to be mine. She's going to actually find out what happens when you cross me and I deal with you.

I've made it clear to Mr. Wrong I am interested. I am well aware that he is also interested. I'm going to fight this time for what I want. Winner takes all. This could be the biggest game of all in the end. What's the ending goal? A player's heart. I already know what I am going to tell Mr. Wrong.

"I like you and I know you like me. I can see it in your eyes every time you look at me. You want me. Whatever is going on with Esther has to end. If you need to figure things out with her, if you want to start things up with her you need to do that. Just leave me out of it. Either you get me or you get her. And if you choose me I want you for myself. I'm not going to share you with anyone. If you can't do that, then you can't. We can still be friends. I think we're good as friends as well. But, if you want me that's how it has to be. I'll accept nothing less, because I know what I deserve..."

Those are my conditions. He gets me or he just doesn't. It's entirely up to him. I feel good. For once I am not going to place expectations on a person because they'll know up front where I stand. No preconceptions or miscommunications.

I'm not even expecting that he will choose me. I am hoping he will. This time I am not going to accept less than I want from a guy. I did that with Joey, Bob, Mr. X, Mr. Unmentionable, and believe me the list could go on or not.

I'm letting go...

I've come to a place in my life where I realize I can't have either Mr. Wrong or Robert. So, as of this moment I am going to leave the both of them alone. Neither one of them are in a place as of now to give me what I want or deserve. And if they can't give me either of those two things what is the point? I realize flirting with the both of them is playing with fire to the greatest degree. All I am going to do in the end is get hurt. I don't want to get hurt, you know? I don't want what happened with Mr. Unmentionable to happen. All of that occured about a year ago...

I put so much emotional energy into him. I really thought that he was what I wanted. I was willing to put it all on the line for him. I never once stopped to think about him. Was he going to do the same? Would he care about me in the same capacity that I was going to care about me in the same fashion? Did he want what I wanted, or was I going to have to be forced to settle for what he wanted, instead of what I deserved, because he was unwilling to give me those things? To tell you the truth I never once thought about any of those things.

I suppose it's the here and now that counts. I'm thinking about those things now. I'm thinking about what will happen in the future. I am going to take my sponsor's suggestion and go on a 60 day man restriction. Holy shit. Can I actually do it? Well, we're all about to find out. Stay tuned. Shit's about to go down around here

The Silent Period...

I haven't heard from Mr.Wrong since I saw him. I want to talk to him so badly, god damn it. It's almost to the point where it is painful. He has this way of always making me smile. I didn't realize how much I missed the way he used to make me smile. I haven't seen him in five days. And it feels as if its been a lifetime. I want to see him more than words can stay. Rashelle had to help me do be positive afirmations today where Mr. Wrong is concerned.

Rashelle helped me realized that Mr. Wrong will never be able to do better than me. I am beautiful and he knows it. She told me that I have to go into this as if I am going to get exactly what I want from him, and act as if he's crazy to not want me on that level. Besides, Mr. Wrong is the only one who can stop this thing that is beginning to happen with Robert. I think it's beginning to go further than I ever intended it to go.

I wanted a flirtatous relationship with Robert from the beginning. He reminded me of his brother. I also wanted to use him to make Mr. Wrong jealous, if possible. I never meant to have real feelings for him. I never meant for him to be someone in my life that I would miss beyond words if they were no longer around.

I realize Joey and I have come to a place where we can completely become true friends again. I no longer resent him at all anymore. That makes me so happy. We were wrestling tonight when Robert pulled up. Robert gave me a small hug and then went to go with Jasmine's sister to go pick her up. I felt so sad that he barely acknowledged me. If I'm to be honest, I felt this sense of devestation over take me.

When he came back some new guy tried to hug me and I was not having it. If I don't feel safe around you, if you are not in my circle per ce I don't give you a real hug. That's just how it is. Robert was looking at me strangely, surprised that I was barely hugging him. So, then, I walked over to Robert and gave him a strong hug. He had a huge smile on his face. I felt as if the balance had been restored once more.

I walked with Robert to his car. I wanted to give Allen a hug. He may be a loser, but sadly he is in my circle. Plus, he got himself a girlfriend. What an accomplishment, I must say! Who is this girl? I'm putting my money on the fact that she was recently released from the mental hospital or prison.

"Bye, Robert..."

He gave me a longer hug. I began walking him back, attempting to trip him and he wouldn't let me. I lightly growled. He then started laughing as I tried harder. I was so frusterated. This was almost worse than my sparring match with Joey earlier. He then picked me up and I squealed.

"Stop that, Robert..."

"You love it."

"Says who?"

"I do."

Then we shared one of our smiles. He then shook his head. That's what he always does when he feels as if he's letting down his guard around me. But, it's less and less these days, I've noticed. That makes me happy.

"You better leave before I kidnap you..."

"Oh, really, Robert?"

"Then again you might like that..."

I had a flashback of a conversation I had had with Mr. Wrong once last summer. We had been talking about hurting eachother, and how painful sex was always the very best. I told him that I was going to beat him up. He grinned at me. And then I told him that he might like it. He smiled at me and told me that he would. Oh, god help me. I'm head over heels for the both of them. Why can't they be the same person?

Fearful Desire...

That’s how I describe the look in Robert’s eye every time he gives me more than a simple glance. It was how he looked at me while we were closely dancing on Saturday. And it was how he looked at me last night. Usually when someone stares at me I’ll stare right back. Looking away is a sign of submission, or some form of fear. But, when Robert looks at me that way I have no choice but to look down or at least anywhere but him. It’s unnerving…

Saturday I had to glance away because I felt that if I kept looking back at him I would see something that I didn’t want to see, feel more things that I am far from ready to feel. It was an uncomfortable moment. But, then he had to ruin it by smacking my ass and accusing me of being too sentimental. He ruins every moment, because I think he’s afraid to let them exist, to go further.

I wrote in my last entry that I would let him go. Every time I am completely ready to go along with him, then he’ll do something like give me a huge hug or stand so close to me that I can feel his body heat radiating off of him. Sometimes I know what I would say to him…

“What the hell do you want from me? I think I scare the fucking shit out of you. You have this thing about not being vulnerable, about not caring about women. You’re scared to feel again, to be in love. You’re not in love with me, but you have feelings for me, ones that you don’t want to have. I look at you and can get you to do so many things. I think you’re scared that you’re gonna fall in love with me… You’re scared because I make you so vulnerable that you can’t help yourself. No, fuck it. You’re scared because you are falling in love with me. The more you’re around me the more you want me.”

Yes, that’s exactly what I would want to say to him, except I don’t want to know what he would say to all of it. He would close down on me, and all of the progress I’ve made with him wouldn’t mean a damn thing. And, even if he didn’t completely shut me down, I could start something that just cannot be. His brother and I cannot be. Robert and I most definitely can NEVER be. I just need to leave both of them alone. But, I can’t. For some reason I just can’t, no matter what anyone says. I’m going to tell everyone else that I will, but only you will know, that I refuse to leave them alone…

Mr. Wrong hasn’t called me. I wonder if he’s ever going to. I think I am going to see him in a couple of weeks. I’m not going to walk over to him in any capacity. If he wants me he’s going to have to come and get me. I just want him to fucking call me, god damn it. I went five months without any contact… I can last two more weeks…

I saw Robert tonight and he put his arms around me and gave me one of his tight hugs. When I claimed that he was suffocating me he eased up but was still hugging me. He gave me that look again. But, it seems, that he stays around each time just a little bit longer before shutting down on me.

My sponsor saw all of this transpiring. She watched as he stepped right up to me and gave me a smirk, just daring me to look away. This time I didn’t. I don’t even know how to explain it. She walked over to us.

“You need to leave my sponsee alone…”

“I could do that.”

“You can and you will...”

“How do I know that she’ll leave me alone,” questioned Robert.

“She will…”

“That brings us to our next problem. I could leave her alone, and she may go with it. But, I can’t guarantee that my brother will leave her alone,” finished off Robert with a grin.

Then he left all of us for the evening. I watched him go. He turned around one last time with that look of fearful desire. It’s a tortured look that I think will on some level always haunt me.

I have to look...

at the fact that I care about them both very much, too much for my own good. I wish I could just say that I had a small thing for Robert and that I was head over heels for Mr. Wrong. But, that's just not true. I care about Robert on so many levels that I can hardly distinguish between any of them anymore. The truth of the matter is I don't want to choose between either one of them. If I could find a way to have both of them, I would probably do it...

I'm the sort of girl who could probably eventually have Mr. Wrong because I demand his respect. And I can tell that I'm the one girl that causes Robert to be vulnerable. I look at him a certain way and I can get him to do so many things that other people can't...

I know I'll run into Robert tonight. I don't know what to say to him, how to act around him. Maybe, I'll just walk in the other direction. Sometimes the best thing that you can do is just walk away from someone...

I know that I should just let go...

But, I don’t want to. I’ve talked to so many people today about Mr. Wrong and Robert. People have all told me all kinds of different things. It seems as if all I can do today is talk about them, blog about them, oh and when I smoke I’m even thinking about them. What the hell is wrong with me?

I shouldn’t torture myself to this extent with thoughts of them. Why do I do this to myself? I could do so much better than either one of them. I really could. I could have done better than Joey too. Did I ever tell you that Joey and Mr. Wrong were in jail together at one point in time? I probably did, but even if I didn’t I wanted to write it again. Most of the men in my life have one thing in common. They are all losers that I care about way too much for my own good.

What it comes down to is he has two months clean. He doesn’t know what he wants. Robert has how many more days? Maybe 15? I don’t know. All I know is neither one of them are going to want a relationship with anyone right now. I’m sure I could get laid out of this, but if I’m to stop lying to myself, I want so much more than sex…

Sex is the easiest thing in the world to get, it really is. But, then again, being rather attractive has never let me down on that level. I’m going to get somewhat personal here, but it’s hard for me to have an orgasm. The guy really has to know what the fuck he is doing. It’s so sad that most men these days just don’t…

I finally got honest with my sponsor and told her that I saw Mr. Wrong. She was less than thrilled to put it nicely. Well, okay, I didn’t tell her I saw Mr. Wrong. I told her I was interested in someone in rehab and that he had about two months clean? I’m apparently on man restriction. I don’t know how to do that. I’ve never done it before.

It probably would be the best idea to stay away from Mr. Wrong and Robert for two months. In fact it sounds like the best one I have heard in forever. I’m just afraid that if I don’t see him then he’ll choose someone else. And just the thought of that happening almost kills me…

All I need...

These lyrics by Within Temptation remind me of Mr. Wrong so, so, so, much...

I'm dying to catch my breath
oh why don't i ever learn
I've lost all my trust that i'm sure we try to
Turn it around

Can you still see the heart of me
all my agony fades away
when you hold me in your embrace

Don't turn me down
for all i need
make my heart a better place
give me something I can believe
Don't turn me down
you're far from the door now
don't let it close

He only had to go
I wish I could let it go
I know that I'm only one step away
From turning around

Can you still see the heart of me
all my agony fades away
when you hold me in your embrace

Don't turn me down
for all i need
make my heart a better place
give me something I can believe
Don't turn it down
what's left of me
make my heart a better place

i've tried many times but nothing was real
make it fade away
don't break me down
I want to believe that this is for real
save me from my fear
don't turn me down

don't turn me down
for all i need
make my heart a better place

don't tear me down
for all i need
make my heart a better place
give me something i can believe
don't tear it down
what's left of me
make my heart a better place

Apparently I'm too Sentimental...

That’s what Robert told me last night when we were all out dancing. I wish that Mr. Wrong could have been there because I know he would have been on the floor with me. Anyway, when I got Robert out on the dance floor eventually he was behind me. He took my hand in his as we danced with each other. He told me that I needed not to be so sentimental. Then Allen practically asked me out later that night.

I gave Allen an innocent smile and told him no. I walked away and into Robert who was trying his hardest not to laugh at the entire situation. It was rather laughable if you ask me. Then I claimed my innocent nature towards Robert. I don’t think I’ll forget for a very long time what he told me.

“You can be as innocent as you want to be. I really don’t care about that. Just don’t forget that you were a dope fiend…”

His comment about me being sentimental really bothered me for some reason. Robert said it after he had smacked my ass. He even took my hand in his and lightly slapped it. It felt as if he was punishing a child. I don’t want him to see me in that way. I just felt really ashamed and embarrassed. It’s difficult to explain it.

It felt as if Robert was avoiding me last night. He hugged me at the beginning of the night, but after that it was as if he didn’t want to talk to me. I felt as if he was struggling to push me away, out of his life. He doesn’t want to let me in. I think I scare him on some level.

Then I thought about what if his brother views me the same way, as someone who is too emotional. What if his brother decides that he wants nothing to do with me as well? That is almost too much for me to think about…

I want Mr. Wrong in a very big way. I want him to call me this week. But, I’m not sure that he is going to. It doesn’t stop me from wanting him to. I realize that if I want a future with Mr. Wrong on any level I have to let Robert push me away too. It’s not what I want, but it’s the way that it has to be.

I really feel as if I’ve completely lost my mind. I thought that I didn’t know what I was doing before, but I realize that I truly don’t now. I may not get either one of them. I think I am going back to bed. I’m in such a terrible mood right now. I don’t know how to get out of it…

My visit with Mr. Wrong part 2 (the short version)

I have been emotionally exaughsted for the last two days because of Mr. Wrong and his brother, Robert. I am going to give you the short version for now about what else happened when I saw Mr. Wrong because there is something else I need to write about in here that is bothering me really badly…

I saw Robert when I went outside to smoke and he hugged me. At first he was really surprised, but then he smiled. The meeting had a break and we were all standing around having a cigarette. They were both flirting with me and I was cracking up. It was funny. We all went back into the meeting…

After the meeting I was talking with Mr. Wrong. He gave me a long hug goodbye before I left. It was a longer hug than when we first saw each other. He also wanted my number, which I gave. And at this point, I am more confused about him then ever. You will probably understand it all better after the next entry. I am so confused and I don’t know what’s going to happen. I hate not knowing what will happen in my life…

My Visit with Mr. Wrong...

was probably almost everything that I could have hoped that it would be. It took me two hours to get ready. It never takes me that long. Ever! But, I wanted to look perfect for him. I wanted Mr. Wrong to take one look at me and realize how much he had missed me. I wanted to be someone in his life worth missing...

My heart was pounding all the way down to the treatment facility. It was as if my oxygen had been completely cut off. Then when I got there for some reason I couldn't seem to make myself go inside. This would be the first time in five months that I would see him. I seriously thought about just leaving. What if he didn't want to see me? I had never even considered the idea before.

I tried calling Nelly for moral support. Her phone was off or something else. I hadn't heard from her all day. She needs to call me so we can dish about what happened last night. I called Mariah. She told me to just go in there.

"Girl, you've been waiting for this. You can't back out now..."

"I just can't do this. You don't understand."

"Yes, you can. I'll be there in just a bit. Go in. He's going to be happy that you're here."

"How do you even know all of this?"

"Just trust me..."

I hung up the phone, took a deep breath, and walked in through that door. I knew that everything would either go well or the night would end with me trying my hardest to hold back my tears, realizing I had done nothing but waste my time.

I watched him walk into the room from a different door than I had. He looked somewhat different. His hair was a great deal shorter. He had lost some weight, due to his previous drug usage I'm sure, but he was still deathly handsome. He was still the Mr. Wrong I knew and cared about so much. There's only one of him. Thank God. I would not be able to handle another one.

He looked up in my direction. His facial expression was that of complete shock. Then instead of his infamous smirk, a genuine smile spread across his face. I think both of us were at a loss for words because neither one of us said anything as he walked towards me.

Before I knew what was happening he had gathered me in his arms, pulling me into a strong embrace. I hung onto him for dear life. It's funny how before a situation arises you plan out everything you're going to say. You know exactly what you're going to do. But, in that moment I couldn't seem to say a god damn thing. So, instead, I hugged him for a few minutes longer. I hadn't realized until then just how much I had truly missed him. I felt as if I was going to start crying. We finally stopped hugging...

"It's so good to see you. Let's go outside. I need a cigarette like yesterday..." I insisted.

"I'll go with you. But, I don't feel like smoking."

"What, you skipped over to sainthood and decided to quit," I deadpanned.

"Have you lost your mind woman?"

"Don't even get me started..."

"But, it's so much fun," he insisted as he followed me outside.

I introduced him to some of my girlfriends who had made the trip with me. He was extremely polite. I was shocked that he wasn't flirting with all of them. Who was this man standing next to me? But, none the less, he had all three of them eating out of the palm of his hand. He's always possessed such a natural talent for such a thing as that. It was as if he'd change. The next thing he would say was 'Yes please' or even 'No, thank you...' Naturally he had to prove me wrong when my friends walked away for a moment...

"Your hair is so short," I commented.

"When I was using I shaved it all off. This is definitely a vast improvement...”

"Is that what you’re telling yourself these days," I asked sarcastically.

"How would you like it if I cut off all of your hair?"

"I'd murder you," I stated slowly as I ran my fingers through my silky hair.

"Princess, you wouldn't be able to..."

"Don't be so sure..."

"Are you pregnant," he asked as he touched my stomach. What the fuck? I looked nowhere near pregnant. He just knew that it would piss me off.

"Mother fucker..." I said as I tried to take a swing at him.

He overpowered me by gathering me in his arms. We struggled back and forth for a minute before I realized fighting against him was futile. I was just not going to win this one. That much was clear

"Let me go..."

"Only because you insisted..."

He allowed me to step out of his embrace. We had matching smiles as we faced each other. In that moment there was no possible way for me to deny just how happy I was. I watched as his surrogate aunt and uncle approached the building. I hoped to god that they didn't see us acting in that manner. They both warmly embraced me.

"How are you darling? What are you doing here? You've met my nephew?"

My god, does anyone in his family think I know him? I've known all of them for at least three years. It always comes as a shock when they find I know of him. But, then again, maybe it is somewhat surprising.

"Unfortunately..."

"No, she's been so lucky," insisted Mr. Wrong as we all walked into the meeting.

I sat in the back of the room with my friends and slightly studied Mr. Wrong. I watched as another one of his uncles walked in. He was still handsome, even though it would take him awhile to get back to where he was. I sighed dramatically.

“Oh, my God…”

“What,” I asked my friend as I turned to her.

She turned to the doorway and there stood Robert. As he sat down next to his brother I swear that my heart completely stopped beating for a moment in time. How the hell could it have not occurred to me even one time that his brother just might show up? Why did Robert have to care to see his brother tonight of all nights? What the fuck. At least he didn’t see me yet.

I'm really tired and this is kind of a long story. I want to get all the details out. I'm going to go to sleep for awhile, but I will write the second part in a couple hours. I promise...

This cannot be goodbye...

I saw Robert this evening when I was with my girlfriends. My heart started beating erratically. I prayed that he wouldn’t ignore me as he did last night. For some reason when he acted as if I didn’t exist the other night it crushed me. I don’t know how to explain it. I need to be noticed by him. I need to mean something to him, anything at all.

Robert tries his hardest to be a rough guy. He closes himself off more than his brother does. He pretends as if he cares for no one outside of his family. He believes to love someone is the deadliest sin, more so than even I do. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t completely infatuated with him.

I want him to trust me, to open up to me, to see that I am not going to hurt him. What am I saying? I am going to hurt him. I am seeing his brother tomorrow. And I think he knows that. I want him to lower his walls and to let me in. I want to see that he doesn’t have as much to be scared of as he thinks he does. Like his brother, he’s an enigma. I always seem to find the guys who are that, who are different from all the others. My only problem is I fall hopelessly for them. They are always the ones I cannot keep.

He looked at me for a moment. It was an unreadable expression that made its way on his face. I did my best to mask my emotions. Now was not the time for him to see everything I had inside of me. Now was not the time for him to see my true feelings. I didn’t even notice as my friends walked a ways away. He just kept on looking. I didn’t want him to see what he meant to me.

He doesn’t mean what his brother does to me. But, he means something. I couldn’t tell you what exactly. But, it matters to me. He matters to me. If he wasn’t around tomorrow I couldn’t promise someone that I would be okay. What it comes down to is I want him in my life; I need him to be there. I need our unhealthy arguments, his presence, and his thuggish mannerisms. It may make me sound like a sick individual but I don’t want to be without it.

“I see that you’re not still ignoring me,” I started out, dying inside to break his stare. It was making me insanely nervous.

“I never was. You’re an impossible person to ignore…”

“Yes, I know…”

Then he took a couple of steps towards me and hugged me. He held me close for awhile. I love his suffocating hugs. I held onto him. I couldn’t shake the feeling that something had changed forever, that I was losing him. I didn’t want this to be goodbye. It felt as if he was hugging him goodbye.

“You hugged me as if this is goodbye…”

“Maybe it is,” he said with an air of finality.

He didn’t say anything else to me. Robert went to talk with some of his friends. And once again that mask was up. This can’t be goodbye, now can’t it? Things can’t end like this, right? They can’t… I won’t let them…

This is going to sound so childish and immature on my part but I wish I had a twin as well. I wish I could give that twin to Robert, so things would be alright. I could find out what’s truly going on between Mr. Wrong and I. And Robert would still be happy. But, you want to know what? I’d fucking want to kill my twin for even thinking of taking Robert away from me. Oh, dear God. What am I even saying anymore? I’ve gotten to the point where I’ve completely lost my ground…

The Plan has been stepped Up...

I am going to his treatment facility for that meeting tomorrow evening. I haven’t seen him in months. I don’t think I could possibly be more nervous than I am at this point in time. I almost don’t even know what to do with myself. I haven’t seen Mr. Wrong since that morning. All I’ve had is what I’ve heard about him. You know how gossip is. It’s all hearsay really. But, underneath it all I am really excited about it all. I just don’t want to be disappointed…

I was talking with my friend Kathryn this afternoon. She made me remember the good things about Mr. Wrong, the stuff I didn’t want to remember. If I could hold onto all of the bad things then there was a chance I could come out of this alright. But, she had to force me to remember all of the good things.

“There are not as many girls in his past as everyone says. A lot of it is just gossip. What man in his right mind would deny such a rumor as that? I cannot think of one. Do you remember how he would have done anything for someone he cared about?”

I slightly nodded my head. I didn’t want to think about that. She looked as if she was waiting for my response. I was at a loss of words. What was I supposed to say to any of that?

“You care about him, don’t you?”

I didn’t trust my voice. I just nodded my head like an idiot.

“Just make sure when you go there you tell him we haven’t forgotten about him, that people back here still care about him. Will you do that for me?”

I promised her that I would. I never thought of it like that. I felt a sense of compassion for Mr. Wrong. As much as he tries to pretend nothing affects him, it must hurt that he’s far from home. It would hurt me. So, that’s why I’m not as nervous about seeing him as I was earlier. Kathryn accused me of the strangest thing.

“Don’t fall in love with him…”

“I’m not. We’re friends…”

“Why am I telling you not to fall in love with him? You already are…”

I turned the other direction and walked away. I wanted nothing to do with that conversation in any capacity. I am not in love with him. It is beneath me. Love will only destroy you. Let me tell you something. I refuse to love him…

My Dramatic Antics have rubbed off on Nelly...

In two weeks I plan on visiting Mr. Wrong at his treatment facility. Nelly believes that she will accompany me. I realize that I really should not involve her in all of this but I can’t seem to help it. I wish I could change my mind and just let things be, but I can’t.

What do I plan to happen? What do I hope to accomplish by seeing him? Do I think he’ll take one look at me and decide that I am the girl of his dreams? If that did in fact happen, it would be the worst thing. I already know that no one accept the fact that he is with me.

He is a well known man whore, if you will. He has sex with women and then pretends as if they mean nothing to him. Do I expect to be anything more to him, just because he didn’t treat me like garbage the next day? I’ve said this before. And I will say it now. I am way over my head. He may still be with that undeseriable woman. I do not know what I am doing. I need a plan of action. Why am I putting myself through all of this for one man?

I know the rules. Every girl really should. You never give one man everything. If you don’t give one man everything there’s not a way to be left with nothing. He does not deserve to have everything I could possibly offer. But, I take one look at him. And as much as I’ll deny it one hundred times I would put everything on the line to be everything to him.

I take one look at him and I care nothing for my reputation. He kisses me and the rest of the world fades away. I realize how corny this may sound, but it’s the truth. Maybe I don’t have genuine feelings for him. Perhaps I just want to feel again. I just want that feeling I get in his arms.

Then again maybe I’m just one of many girls he took a liking too. Who knows? He may not even remember me. I’m going to that treatment facility because I need to know. I need to know if this is all in my head or not. I need to know if I mean anything at all to him, or if I am just like all the other girls in his life…

I saw Robert tonight. He looked at me, hugged all of those around him and walked right passed me. I have to admit something. I have feelings for him. I do. But, I want his brother. I don’t want Robert to get hurt in all of this. As long as I don’t allow myself to get wrapped up in him everything will turn out okay, right? They have to be. Then again if things have to turn out alright, why do I feel as if the opposite will be the ending result?

Mr. Wrong's Mother...

I saw Mr. Wrong and Robert’s mother this evening. I suppose anyone who would read this would make the deduction that they share the same mother, seeing that they are fraternal twins. Well, one would have to be a complete moron not to see that they would share the same mother and father. But, then again, people these days don’t seem to have a great deal of intelligence if you know what I mean…

She warmly embraced me and asked how I’ve been. I smiled before deciding to answer that question. I mean, really, how do you answer that question? I wasn’t going to tell her how I’ve really been. So, I did what seems to be second nature to me. I lied. It’s really what I seem to do the best…

“I’ve been doing quite well. There have been a few bumps in the road lately, but that’s to be expected. It’s part of life. Also, I think it has to do with me being at the age I am…”

“Of course, honey… I just wish my sons could have gotten it at the age you have, staying clean…”

“Well, they’re clean now,” I said somewhat sharply, not being able to stop myself from defending them.

“Who knows how long it will last. I’ve seen you around Robert a few times, lately. You’ve met my other son?”

For a moment my heart literally stopped beating. Of course I had met her other son. It was nice of her to put it in such a delicate fashion. If you wanted to place it in those terms one might say I had met her other son quite a few times.

“Yes, I have. I’m glad he’s doing well. Excuse me, I see Jessica. I’ve been meaning to have a word with her all night…”

I excused myself and walked away. I didn’t want to tell her anything, what had been really going on. If she really knew the woman would not openly embrace me. Good God no! So, I talked with Jessica about one hundred meaningless sons when I was thinking about Mr. Wrong’s mother and the one thing I couldn’t tell her…

I couldn’t walk over to her and tell her how much I care about both of her sons and how one means more than the other. I could never tell her how it would kill me to have to ever choose one over the other, because they both mean so much to me.

But, there will come the day where I won’t have either of them, or I will have to choose one of them. The thought of not having them both in my life, the way I want them to be, kind of kills me. I guess my problem in life is I want everything to go my way and for everyone to not only accept that, but be perfectly happy with it…

Things were so Weird last Night

I was so sick last night and Robert was acting strange. He would talk to me for a few seconds and then act as if I didn’t exist, as if he didn’t know me. The two of us were talking with Allen. He said he loved me, which caused Allen to raise his eyebrows in complete shock. Robert laughed.

“You love her,” questioned Allen in complete shock.

“No, I got love for her. You know the only person I love is my daughter…”

“Love will destroy someone,” I commented.

Robert looked somewhat impressed with my deduction. I knew he agreed. He looked at me for a moment.

“The two of us are talking…”

I smiled flirtatiously at Robert before walking away to allow them to discuss whatever it is they needed to talk about. It was all very strange. It was as if he wanted me around but at the same time wanted me to go as far away as humanly possible.

Jasmine said she thinks he’s trying to avoid me because he has feelings for me. I have feelings for him too, no matter what I want to think is true. But, it can’t go anywhere. It really can’t. As much as I have feelings… it’s just the last thing that either of us really need. Robert and Mr. Wrong know how to confuse a girl, twist her up from the inside out… They truly do…

By the end of the night I felt as if I was about to puke at the very least. I felt somewhat dizzy. It’s strange because I haven’t gotten sick in such a very long time. I hate it. I truly do. Someone make it go away. It sucks. Before I left Robert came up to me…

“You’re leaving without saying goodbye?”

“I’m not feeling well, so I am going to go home…”

“Okay…”

“Alright, I’ll see you.” I began to walk away from him.

“You’re not going to give me a hug goodbye?”

“I’m getting sick. I don’t want you to catch it…”

“Who cares?”

He gave me a tight hug as usual and I couldn’t help but smile, as I usually do when he hugs me. I realize I am way over my head with the both of them. What do I think I am doing?

I mean, have I even thought about what will happen when they are both in the same location, supposing that that ever happens? I’m sure I have, once or twice. But, what will be, will be. Alyssa told me that. How fucking funny is that?

What would I do without Nelly, who always shows and tells me how to live? She’s had to put up with all my dramatic antics. Poor girl. What am I saying? I believe she rather enjoys it all…

I thought I had already lost my mind...

I had to go and prove myself wrong, of course. People have always called me crazy. But, if they knew about yesterday they would consider me perfectly sane before what I did. Normal people don’t do these things. They just don’t. It doesn’t occur to them to do such things and even if it did they would not follow those particular thoughts to conclusion.

Mr. Wrong’s mother had told me a couple of weeks ago where he was in rehab. I wasn’t sure if that was the name of the treatment facility or just the city it happened to be in. I decided to put the internet to good usage. I looked it up, did some research if you will. I wish I hadn’t done it, but I did.

Perhaps one would think I was just curious about his where a bouts. That is in fact the truth. Naturally, I was curious about where he was. Who wouldn’t be? A lot of people are. But, they didn’t find the place. I suppose I wouldn’t be labeled as insane if the next steps hadn’t taken place.

I went online and found out when there were meetings there, for people who weren’t just in the treatment facility. I even found out what day they were. Then I called some friends I knew of who go to that meeting. I asked them if they knew who he was. They were sure that they did. And in two weeks I think I am planning to go there. I realize I’ve completely lost my mind… I’ve completely gone off the deep end… But, you want to know something? I have to know.

I wish I could tell you what I have to know exactly, but I can’t put it into words. I just have to see him again; even it’s just one more time. I want to see him smile at me, while I pretend to be aloof, as if I don’t care. You want to know a secret? I care more about him than I am willing to admit.

The Last Time I Saw Mr. Wrong...

Evan, one of my platonic friends called me the other night, wanting to know if we could get together. I knew that it was rather late, but I was so bored. I didn’t see any harm in the situation. We went over to his house to watch movies. That really was my first mistake in my opinion. We almost had sex, but we didn’t.

From the second his lips touched mine I was able to kiss him back. I have never really been interested in Evan but it had been so long since I had had human contact of that nature. Then before I could help it I started thinking about Mr. Wrong. Evan could never be him. I asked him to take me home.

As he drove me home some sad song came on the radio. I leaned back and all I could think about was that he wasn’t Mr. Wrong. No one could be, no matter how much I wanted them to be. And then I couldn’t help but remember the last time I saw Mr. Wrong…

“What movies do you have?”

I looked at Mr. Wrong grinning. He wore a smirk of sorts on his face and in that moment I had never found him more attractive.

“What do you want to watch,” I asked him, giggling.

“You smile. Whenever you smile there’s no possible way for you to be prettier,” he quietly stated.

He suddenly looked so sad. I knew this could very well be the last time I would see him for a very long time. I knew that he needed help, needed to clean his life up. I also knew that there was a chance he was going to screw it all up again.

I turned away from him. I felt like I was going to cry. That was the last thing that I wanted him to see. There was no real reason for me to cry over him. We were barely even friends. Kissing him one time didn’t really mean anything.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” I said, refusing to turn around.

Suddenly I felt a pair of arms wrap around me. I leaned against him and sighed deeply. I knew maybe in another life time this could be. Definitely not in this one, though. There was also that girl…

“Does your girlfriend know that you’re here,” I asked still in his embrace.

“She’s not my girlfriend. She calls herself that. I’m fucking her. I live with her. She has money…”

“You’re using her,” I accused, turning around. His arms were still wrapped around me. Our faces were about an inch apart.

“Sometimes you do what you gotta do…”

“You’re fucked up. You’re supposed to be with someone who cares about you. Well, I’m sure she cares about you, since she’s having you live with her. But, you don’t care about her!”

“Who do I care about, then? You,” he challenged.

I didn’t even want to know that answer to that question. It was the last thing in the world I wanted to deal with.

“Why did you tell me the truth, about your relapse,” I questioned.

“Because I wanted to…”

Then he kissed me and then all I can say is that he gave me the best sex I’ve ever had. We hung out for a little bit the next morning. It was kind of strange because there was nothing awkward about it.

I remember watching him leave that morning. I knew even at that point that it would be a very long time before I saw him again. I still think of that morning from time to time, wondering if things could have been different. I want to see him again…

So, it's not Just Me

I thought I was the only one out of our group of friends who didn’t just adore Alyssa. I can’t believe that I just wrote about someone adoring Alyssa. The very thought of it is enough to make me want to kill myself. It truly is. I hate to say it, but almost everyone loves her. Except Jasmine. She hates Alyssa for two reasons.

Jasmine cannot stand the heinous things that she continues to pull all for the sake of being in the spot like. Really, all you have to do is stop putting on as much make up as Mimi does (Drew Carey). And Alyssa, it wouldn’t kill you to lose a couple of pounds. Oh, what am I saying? She needs to lose a lot more than a couple of pounds, for God’s sake. Who the fuck am I trying to fool?

Jasmine can’t stand the fact that Alyssa is with Joey. Apparently no one can. You would think all of us girls were fighting over Brad Pitt the way we carry on about him. I’m sorry to say that he is nothing more than an average American male. If only I could say that. The average American male probably deserves our attention more than Joey does.

I thought that it was all about the outward appearance these days. But, no of course that’s not how it is at all. It seems as if we are putting all those skills we learned from Sunday school as children into effect. Now we are looking within someone’s soul for who they truly are or something equally as rediculess. That’s probably not true. But, it’s the only explanation that I can come up with why all of us seem to lose it over this guy. He’s not even all that attractive, for God’s sake.

It’s simply embarrassing to say that I was so deeply attracted and attached to him at one point in time. God, what was I thinking exactly? I possibly wasn’t. Or, like my earlier theory, I was looking within his soul. That causes me to slightly laugh. Oh, what is becoming of me?

Apparently when Joey and Alyssa split I wasn’t the only one he was trying so hard to talk to. Apparently he wanted to be with Jasmine right before he was with Alyssa. This all happened right before he ended things with me, not that we were together at any given point.

Everyone Notices when they walk into a Room

The minute I saw Robert last night my heart started beating much faster than it really should have. All I know is that I walked by him, acting as if I had no idea that he was there. I knew that if he was like his brother he would make it impossible for me to not notice his presence. If there was anything that Mr. Wrong couldn’t stand it was being ignored.

Of course I was right. I usually am on these types of things. He pulled me into a close embrace. I couldn’t help but smile against him. I knew others were looking at us with a disapproving glance. I live for such things as these. I truly do. I pulled away from his embrace, feigning that he had hurt me.

“No, it didn’t! You’re tough as nails…”

“Are you gonna give me a ride…”

“Maybe…”

“I think you will. In fact, I know that you’re going to…”

“Don’t be so sure of yourself, princess.”

“I can’t help it, really.”

Naturally, he gave me a ride home. At one point I was on the phone with Mr. X. He said something that made me smile. Of course Robert assumed that I was on the phone with some phantom boyfriend, that I neither have the time or the energy to put up with on any level.

“Are you on the phone with your boyfriend?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know?”

“I asked, didn’t I?”

“Maybe…”

“You’re cheating on me already?”

I of course laughed at him before looking at him as if he had absolutely lost his mind. And the part that causes me a great sense of amusement is that he probably had. I doubt that this will be the last time this occurs either.

Robert reminds me of Mr. Wrong in so many ways. But, at the same time, he will never be his brother. It doesn’t matter that I want him to be. Robert makes me laugh and they have so many of the same mannerisms that it’s shocking really. He reminds me of how much I really miss Mr. Wrong.

There was just always something about him that I could never seem to resist, didn’t want to. They both possess such magnetic personalities that it’s quite surprising. It doesn’t matter what they say or do, really. You just want to be in their company, whatever may be going on is of very little relevance. You want to know more about who they could possibly be and why they do the things that they do.

I don’t suppose that I have real feelings for either one of them. I won’t lie to myself and pretend I do. Mr. Wrong and I had amazing sex. We share an amazing chemistry of sorts, one could say. Something about their essence captivates me, more Mr. Wrong then his brother.

All day long I thought of Mr. Wrong. I wish I could tell you I didn’t, but I did. I can’t wait until he gets out of rehab. I cannot deny the fact that I look forward to that day very much so. It plagues my mind a great deal. I just want to see him again. I’m just worried that he won’t come back when he gets out of rehab. I’ll let you in on a little secret. The thought of him not coming back is more than I can possibly bear. Here’s another secret. I don’t want to know why the idea of him not returning causes me to feel a sense of immeasurable sorrow…

He has feelings for me again...

Does Joey want a metal for realizing what everyone including his girlfriend already knew? He called me this morning to inform me of this nauseating information. If I wasn't so upset with him I would have had no choice but to show him pity, a sense of kindness not easily rendered from me.

"You had your chance with me. I believe that you blew it in every single way possible..."

"I know that. But, it doesn't make the feelings go away."

I sighed, somewhat annoyed. It was seven in the morning for Christ's sake. He woke me up for this particular reason. I thought it would be something important and dramatic. I don't know. Maybe Jane finally found out that Jason was cheating on her and she had killed him. But, no such luck. Or I would have even been satisfied with the fact that Alyssa had done the world a favor and killed herself.

"I don't have feelings for you anymore. You let me down by not standing up for me. I had faith that you would. You've never disappointed me to this degree before. I will always love you as a friend. I'm beginning to see that I have no choice in that matter. I still think you are a coward, though..."

"I can't really blame you for feeling that way."

"I deserve so much more than you. I really do. Goodbye..."

I hung up the phone with him. And for the first time in months I felt this sense of relief. I finally had the chance to tell him at least half of the things I wanted to say. I feel like I can finally move on from him and not resent him so harshly.

Resenting him is really the last thing I want to do. It doesn't help me. It doesn't really do anything for anyone, if you know what I mean. Besides, I can't seem to get Mr. Wrong out of my head lately...

How one would analyze Joey

It's quite simple really when all is said and done. He believes he's in love with Alyssa because that's what he needs to. He stays with her because she's easy. If he stopped lying to himself and admitted that he didn't love her he would have to admit that that he's just using her for sex. That's the last thing that he wants to admit. And he talks to me when he knows I've absolutely had it with him because he doesn't want to lose me. He also knows that now he'll never have me. That probably kills him. He probably knows that he should have had me when he could have.

He admitted to me the other day that the only reason why he didn't help me out that day was because he was so worried about what Alyssa would think, what she would say. He actually had the gall to ask me if I understood.

"The only thing that I can possibly understand is that you're a coward."

"You don't understand..."

"Joey, at this point I don't believe I care to."

"I'm in love. You would understand if you were as well..."
I sighed deeply before hanging up on him. There was no point in continuing this conversation. There was something else I did understand that I didn't bother to share with him. He's still a boy trying so desperately to be a man.

I won't fault him for trying so hard to change. I can't. I do feel a sense of pity or sympathy for him. How could I feel that way towards him after everything that the two of us have been through? I'm only human. Even I have my weak spots...

The Story of Mr. Wrong

I haven’t thought about him in a very long time. At first I wondered what made me think of him again. I think it’s because his twin brother, Robert is back in the picture. I believe that they are fraternal twins because they don’t look all that much alike. But, then again, you never know these days…

Mr. Wrong is every mother’s worse nightmare about whom their daughter could possibly end up with. Well, maybe not every mother’s nightmare, but if my mother knew that I had slept with him she would probably kill herself. I don’t suppose she would see that there could possibly be worse choices out there for me.

My mother would take one look at his many tattoos and his outstanding criminal record. Then it would be off to the convent for me, or confession at the very least. The point that I am making here is that she can never find out about my past with Mr. Wrong. He was the worst kind of man for me, so of course that meant that I had to be around him. There was something forbidden about him if not completely intoxicating.

I met him for the first time when I was about sixteen years old. I didn’t remember much about him. At the beginning of last year he was all any of my friends could seem to talk about. At first I was bored. But, then when they went on to tell me all about his past and reputation with the opposite sex I was intrigued to say the least. How could I possibly not be?

At first I didn’t even know who they were talking about. But, I did know that I had to meet him and see his actions first hand. I deduced that either I would be sorely disappointed or vaguely impressed. It all depended how he went about his different affairs with women.

I’ll never forget how when I saw him for the first time last summer since I was sixteen. I knew immediately who he was. My first thought was that he looked pretty good for someone who couldn’t seem to keep themselves out of prison. He dressed with a sense of class that slightly shocked me. He was a thug, for God’s sake. I’ll always remember that arrogant smirk on his face as he approached me. He liked what he saw. But, then again, most men in their right mind do. Hell, I’ve even been known to attract a couple of ones who weren’t.

I pretended as if I had absolutely no idea who he could possibly be. He seemed almost appalled that I couldn’t recall the fact that we had in fact met a couple years ago. Men of his nature always are. He went on to introduce himself to me all over again. I laughed and informed Mr. Wrong that I knew all about him and his ways already.

He demanded to know exactly what I had heard. I tossed my head to the side and informed him that a good girl never tells her source. I made sure to add an innocent smile to the equation. He now wanted to know everything I had heard. I asked him at that point if he hadn’t just heard me a few moments ago. I’ll never forget that first conversation after not seeing him for about three years.

“Perhaps when I meet that girl I will listen to what she has to say. Who really knows? But, I will tell you one thing. You will never be a good girl. Who are you trying to fool?”

“The world, perhaps…”

“I’m not buying it…”

“Congratulations would be in order if I was interested…”

“I already think you are…”

“I’ll have you know that I’m not…”

“But, you will be…”
I suppose that we would have continued our slight banter if he hadn’t chosen that moment to just walk away from me. I was quite upset and deeply offended. We were in the middle of a conversation and he just walked away. Did he have no idea just who he was talking to?

Our paths crossed once more later that summer. Our mutual friend’s family was having a Fourth of July barbeque. As I arrived at the party I noticed him playing in the street with my friend’s siblings and their friends. My friend commented that it was like watching a father playing with his children. I ruefully thought about the fact that he had slept with enough women that it could possibly be so. How funny! But, then again, there are consequences for all actions, yes?

He immediately walked towards me and tried to talk with me. I gave him a small smirk and asked my friend if one of her brothers were around. I was in need of some sort of entertainment, a diversion of sorts. He followed me to the side of the house.

“Stalking is illegal in every state from what I’ve heard…”

“You wouldn’t be avoiding me now would you?”

“Please don’t make me laugh,” I smiled as I turned around.

We were a couple inches apart. I stood there wondering what he would do, refusing to move because a part of me wanted to know if he was as good as everyone said that he was.

He leaned in and kissed me and I was pleased that for once that all of the rumors were not based on false evidence. The rest is pretty much history. Well, except for the fact that he did drugs again, stole a car, went to jail, got out of jail, stayed the night at my house when my mother was out of town, and we had amazing sex. But, other than that it’s all history, done with. He’s now in rehab. Good for him.

I can honestly say that he gave me the best sex I’ve ever had. Oh, yes. That’s why I probably also thought of him again. A girl who is not easily impressed in the bedroom doesn’t forget the best sex of her life. There’s just not a chance…

On a personal note...

I realized I'm still really screwed up in the head. This whole year has honestly been about trying to change, trying to leave behind the person I was. I've said this once. I'll say it again. I used to do alot of drugs. I used to drink. Every teenager does, I suppose. But, not every teenager gets as out of control as I did. I've now been clean for a year. And, I realize I want that instant gratification.

I want to people to see how much I've changed, that I'm different now. But, more than anything I want my mother and I to have the relationship back that we did. It's not happening fast enough for me. I'm afraid we'll never being close again and to be honest it makes me want to break down and cry. To be honest just a step further I did break down and cry, all through today. I didn't even want to talk to her today... Fuck that I didn't want to talk to anyone. I went as far as to shut off my phone. I see that it's true what I heard someone once say to me...

"Wounds heal, but scars are forever..."

How did Alea being a fucking bitch and Joey a coward bring me to this realization? I'm not sure. Alea called Lea a whore last night, but I didn't find out about it until this morning. If it had been just that I would have let it go. But, I have been dealing with shit from Alea, Alyssa, and Jane for months. It's gotten to the point where enough is enough. I'm so sick of them acting like they love me to death and then fucking with me like this. It's fucking pathetic.

Alea didn't call Lea a whore because she really thought that. Ofcourse she didn't. She called her such a name because she wanted to get to me. If you have something to say to me come to my face and fucking say it or shut the hell up about it. But, don't you dare even think about hurting one of my Best friends to achieve it. She said alot of other fucked up shit about Lea that I don't even want to get into...

Joey, Joey, Joey... He was supposed to help me out with something yesterday. At the last moment he backed out because he was so worried about what Alyssa would say. There's nothing in this world I hate more than being vulnerable. But, I am just going to come out and say it. He really, really, hurt me, by not standing up for me... I thought he would, but he didn't. I'm dissapointed in him...

When there's nothing going on in my life...

I like to thank the stars in Hollywood for giving me something to talking about. First of all Britney Spears has absoloutely lost her fucking mind, assuming that she had one to begin with. Seriously, who shows up to a deposition so late and then refuses to give the father her kids, when he has custody of them. Read the story here. It will not dissapoint you. I can promise you that much...

Don't even get me started on Lindsay...

Mr. Unmentionable returns...

Lea and I used to call him the unmentionable because of all the things he has done. The two of us decided that he doesn't even deserve to be called by his given name. But, sometimes we can't help but talk about him. There's just so much to say where he is concerned that it's quite unbelievable. Well, it would be if we were discussing someone who isn't him. Until recently we called him the unmentionable, Mr. Unmentionable to be precise. A couple of weeks ago I realized calling him by that name gave a sense power to him and to everything he had done. So, I began calling him by his given name once more. But, on here... I'll just call him Mr. Unmentionable. It makes things so much easier on me. It really does.

I can't believe he has returned. Well, of course I can. I just didn't really want to know anything about it, at all. There is a first time for everything, I'll tell you. It was bound to happen sooner or later. People in the armed services have to have pay leave. Why they do, I'm sure that I will never understand. They should just make them stay there the entire four or eight years away from their family. I know it's cruel and completely unlawful but then he would have never hurt me so deeply. Alright, so they should give everyone else leave, just not him. If he did not have leave that year he never would have done what he did what that stupid girl. I can still remember that morning as if it were yesterday... I'm sure it will always be in my memory somewhere for the rest of my life... It's not the sort of thing a woman forgets very easily. I can't think of one woman who forgets a sense of betrayal very easily...

I walked into his room that morning. He wasn't exactly what you'd call alone. I expected him to be all on his own. We were casually dating after all. We had kissed for the first time in months. He actually regretted it. He should have told me right away he just considered me as a friend and wanted nothing else to do with me. Perhaps we could have saved our three year long friendship at that point. There would have been a chance at such a thing. But, he had to behave as a young boy did. He began avoiding me. He led me on. And that morning he wasn't exactly in his bed on his own.

I remember looking at her, sizing her up. I tried to find some sort of plausible reason why I had been replaced by her. If I could have found one I may have come to an understanding of sorts about the entire ordeal. I continued to look at her. But, the only thought that ran through my head was that I was a great deal prettier than her. If her beauty had over powered mine it probably would have hurt twice as much as it did. But, I would have understood it at least on some level. But, I couldn't understand anything except that there was a knife being drawn into my heart.


At first I didn't feel anything. I was in a complete state of shock. It's difficult to say who was more shocked Mr. Unmentionable, Lea, or me. Of course the girl laying in bed with him had absolutely no idea what was going on. I remember sitting in Lea's car that morning. I wanted to cry, but no tears would come. I couldn't fathom it. Why weren't they coming? I was overwhelmed. I wanted to get drunk and forget everything. But, at that point I had been sober for over sixty days. I wasn't going to give that up for him.

When I was drenched in that sense of betrayal, anger, and pain I realized why I wasn't crying and creating a scene for all to watch. A woman in pain knows the show must go on. And in that moment in time, though I didn't quite realize it, I was beginning to grow up. I was eighteen years old then. Even I didn't know it at that point in time. That was the day I began to grow up. That day I learned that life wouldn't always go my way. I could lie and manipulate things if I wanted to. Those two things still didn't guarantee that I would always get my way.

I believe that day I came to a place of self acceptance. Though he had hurt me beyond words I had kept that sense of dignity and pride. Sometimes those are the only two things that a woman has to hold onto. And hold onto those two things, I did with all my might.

When I came out of the sense of utter shock I looked him in the eyes. Then I picked up my purse that I had left on his table. I didn't say one more word to him before I walked out of his room, out of his life forever. I think he saw by the way I looked into his eyes that I wasn't coming back. Nothing he could say or do would ever fix what he had done to me...

Glamorous Pain

And Baby Makes Three...

I suppose that no matter how you look at this situation a baby could not possibly make three. Let's look at all the parties involved shall we. First off there is my ex boyfriend Jeff. Then we have his current girlfriend Leeanna. It would be quite cruel of me to leave out her other boyfriend (that Jeff just found out about, by the way) out of this equation, don't you think? His name is Derek, incase anyone cares, not that I would expect them to...

Out of all my past lovers Jeffrey was by far the most pathetic. I take that back. Second most pathetic, I should say. He broke off our relationship the first time (out of one hundred) after two weeks because he loved me and I couldn't say it back. I thought he was simply going insane and thought good riddance. I've learned through our on again and definitely off again relationship that he is in love with every woman he ever dates. Give him about three days. That's enough time for him to write a love poem, a marriage proposal, oh and I can't possibly forget about how he scripted out the rest of our lives. And no, I'm not joking...

Jeff and Leeanna met at a party one night. He thought that she was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. Mind you, every girl he ever meets is the "most beautiful girl he has ever seen." He couldn't understand why I wasn't surprised in the least bit when he claimed he was madly in love and had never felt this way before. This entire situation has been going on for about two months. He now wants to marry her. I of course thought he had simply lost his mind. It's doubtful I would marry someone even if I had known them for two years. Then he had the gall to ask me if I was jealous...

It's quite impossible to be jealous of someone who means so very little to you and has absolutely nothing you want. He of course was offended. I asked him if he could please get on with his story before I fell asleep on the phone. At that point I knew I could be more interested in some mindless thing either Jane or Alyssa were going on about. How truly horrifying!

Then he tells me something that causes the plot to thicken. It was something I hadn't heard from him yet. Leeanna was pregnant. There's a chance that he's the father. Derek could also be the father. Who knows? If she was stupid enough to sleep with Jeff it could very well be anyone's child. This is too good to miss.

I might some sense of pity for Jeff if he hadn't slept with the mindless woman in the first place. But, the part of this entire story that is too much for me to possibly fathom is the fact that he wants to be known as the child's father whether he really is or not. One may call him noble. In my expert opinion we may label him as an utter idiot. Let’s not forget the fact that he is only nineteen years old...

Why on earth would I want another dog...

I already have a beautiful pit bull. I don't need the human version of her. I really don't. That much is for certain. I've mentioned Allen before. I know that I have. It would be impossible for me to avoid such a thing as that. He is the most convenient man I know to use, abuse, and completely discard at anyone's earliest convenience. Lately he's been calling me and following me around like a pathetic puppy that you just can't seem to get rid of no matter how hard you may try. At least if I pet my dog for awhile and throw her a bone she'll leave my presence. Allen is not the same case, unfortunately...

As I wrote yesterday, Alyssa called me. She wanted to know if the rumors were true, if I was in fact seeing Allen. What a silly bint! How could she begin to imagine such a thing as possibly being true! Who could have come up with such a silly rumor as that? The very idea of it it's simply ludicrous. There's more of a chance that I'd marry Joey than ever go on a date with Allen. Even thinking of myself as married to Joey makes me want to hurl and not leave my house for days on end. You can imagine how vexed Alyssa must have been when I told her who'd I'd rather marry then ever be seen with Allen.

Allen has so many characteristics of a stalker that it truly amazes me. How can one man be that pathetic, if not completely desperate? I can't seem to get rid of him. Verona called me the other day. I'm sure you can only imagine how annoyed I was with the entire ordeal in the first place. She assumed I was after her ex- boyfriend. She's simply lost her mind, that one. I told her that I would never want to be so much as near him. I ventured further to ask her if she had seen what he looked like lately (never mind how he's always looked)? Then I ended the phone call with informing her that I would never take part in her sloppy seconds. Any woman would be a fool to involve herself with any man this woman has been with. God only knows what kind of diseases this woman has.

I’ve been thinking of Jason a lot lately, more than is probably healthy. I look at him and I see all the potential he possesses. It almost makes me sad as I watch him waste it and squander it on women who don’t see what he can truly do with it. He surrounds himself with so many silly women to say the least. I can’t think of a better way to describe Alyssa and Alea. Don’t even get me started on Jane. She’s so young and naïve. She can’t fully appreciate Jason for all that he could possibly offer.

At one point in time I wanted to mentor the poor girl. I don’t think I would have been met with much success. She would have been a waste of my time, or God only knows what she would have done with the information I would bestow to her angelic soul. I love watching her from afar, seeming to think she knows everything and that no one will knock her from that pedestal that she has placed herself upon.

Oh, what am I saying? She would never have the mentality to place herself at such a place. If I am to honestly look at this situation for what it truly is, Jason has placed her there. He has caused her to believe that she is more than she could ever hope to be. It takes a soul as wicked, twisted, and manipulative as mine to appreciate Jason’s work of art, so to speak.

I watch Jason’s smile with these different women. He smiles at all of them. They’ve all reported to me how sweet, lovely, and innocent he really is. What stupid women they truly are! They never see the smirk at the end of his smile, or the evil twinkle in his eyes. Only I do. And he knows this. That is why I was the first person he shared his transgressions against Jane with. He knew I would laugh and simply congratulate him on a job well done.

Sometimes I have to wonder why he surrounds himself with those idiotic women, instead of allying himself with the likes of me. He likes having women in his life he can play for a fool. These women can never begin to guess what cards he is holding in his hands. He knows I always know all his cards, as well as the future ones he will draw. I suppose people as wicked as ourselves should never work together for common vengeance. God only knows what would happen. Goodbye for now my darlings…

Sex is not the answer...

So, I want to get laid... Fucking sue me...