I just want to die...

It's hard loving someone and just knowing it's over, not because you want it to be but because it has to be. I love this person more than anything and I can't be with them anymore because it's destroying my life. I was a different person before I met Domonic. I had loved before, but never to the point where I all but became that person. It's the kind of love that destroys you because there's nothing you wouldn't do for that person. It hurts so bad when you know someone's been lying to you for a long time. It's hard when you know all of this and you let it go on because you love the person, because you want to be with them no matter what...

I love you Domonic, but I can't do this anymore. I can't. I can't accept the lies anymore. I can't accept the bullshit and half of you. Can't you see that you're killing me and that I deserve so much better?

I know that he's getting high. There might be other women involved. I do know that he hasn't bothered to call or text me in four days. I know that he lied to me. I know lately he doesn't call me the way he used to or treat me the way he used to. It's hard going from being someone's princess to trash to them. I feel abandoned by him. You want to know the worst part? We're having a child together.

I think he's lost to me forever, but I don't know what to do if he ever tries to come back... It's so hard not to believe a lie because you want it to be the truth so badly... It's hard not to believe that somehow this time will be different because you want it to be. This is so fucking hard.

Here's what I want to do. It's just going to be hard to stick to it because it's really hard. No matter what Dom says or does things have to be over between us because I deserve so much better. I need to give my daughter up for adoption when she's born because she deserves a family that has their shit together, want to be parents, and are emotionally stable. I need to really get back into 12 step meetings. My mom would help me rebuild a normal life if I gave up my daughter for adoption.

That's what the plan should be. That's what it needs to be. It's just so hard when you love someone. Your head and your heart are two different things. It's like all of this sounds great until I talk to Dom. And somehow I convince myself that it's us against the world and that the world is lieing to me. I convince myself that he loves me and that we can get through anything, that it's all going to change because he said so. But, that's a lie. He's not going to change. His actions don't show that he loves me anymore. Remember, love is an action word. I know in my gut at one point in time he did love me, but the guy who used to love me doesn't exist right now... His addict self does...