I caved in...

I didn't mean to, but I did. My sponsor told me not to see Robert, text him, or talk to him on the phone. And I did it for almost two weeks. That's a long time. It felt like forever. It killed me to not answer his texts and to press the ignore button when he would call me. I can honestly say that I had never done that before. He called me yesterday. I don't know what made yesterday different than the other times he had left me messages. But, I found myself dialing the number I knew by heart.

"Hey beautiful, what's up?"

"I don't know. You tell me," I said icily, trying to play it cool.

"What have you been up to," he asked, completely ignoring my cold demeanor. Really shocking. NOT!

"I don't know. Staying clean, staying away from guys..."

"I miss you... I want to see you tonight..."

"I can't. You know I can't."

"Do you want to?"

"I can't..."

"That's not what I asked you," he said somewhat harshly.

"Ofcourse I do... But, I'm trying to not be around guys..."

"She gave you that stipulation because she doesn't want you to get high. Do I make you want to get loaded?"

"Are you trying to say everything's my fault?"

"It's always the woman's fault."

"Excuse me? What? So men, have no part in anything..."

"Exactly. "

"You need to shut up before I really beat your ass..."

"I look forward to it..."

"Robert, you are impossible!"

"I'll see you at your meeting tonight."

"No... I can't."

"Well, what are they going to do if I show up? They can't stop me from seeing you. I'll be there..."

I hung up with him feeling irritated, annoyed, but at the same time completely excited. I had missed him more than words can say. I gave you all the shortened version of the conversation. He got his car completely totaled last week. I wondered for a moment how he was going to get there. Then I remembered that this was Robert. If he wanted something he'd get it. I found myself smiling.

I went to my meeting. I cut my hair really short. I was worried if Robert would like it. Alea showed up. We embraced. I didn't see Robert. I told myself over and over again that I didn't care, that I wasn't dissapointed. I had even convinced myself. At the smoke break there he was. He smiled at me, but Alea embraced him first so I tried to get lost in the crowd of people.

"Where the fuck are you going," asked Robert gaining up on me.

"She's on man restriction," laughed Alea, we shared matching smiles.

"I didn't think you were going to come," I said.

"I told you that I would," he explained.

Then I was in his arms and I never wanted to be anywhere else. I clung onto him. I was safe and nothing and no one in this world could hurt me. And if they tried he'd kill them. I pulled him as close to me as possible. I laughed as he picked me up. God, I had missed him.

I studied him throughout the meeting when he wasn't looking at me. A voice in my head told me to be careful, that he would never be mine. That voice kept going and going. Then I asked it why not. It old me because if he was ever mine I wouldn't be able to keep him. I felt so sad. Then he texted me saying that I was beautiful and that he's glad he came to see me. Suddenly the voice in my head shut off because I had a stupid smile on my face.

After the meeting I was back in his arms. I knew in that moment it would kill me if I couldn't keep him. It would kill me ten times worse than it ever did with Mr. Wrong, whom I'm good friends with now, by the way. How the hell does that happen? Don't ask me. I couldn't tell you. Anyway we just stayed like that for a few moments.

"You need to go before I drag you into the bathroom..."

"Okay," I whispered as I stepped back from him.

He just stared at me as I stared at him. I wanted to remember him like this forever. I didn't want him to forget me. Did I tell you he's going away for about a month and a half. I am going to miss him so much.

"Goodbye, Robert..."

Then the wall was up as he nodded his head as he turned to talk with Alea and the man that she is dating. But, I knew he cared more than he ever meant to. I mean something to him. He came to see me. I don't even know how he got there. It doesn't matter. I'm going to miss him so, so, so much. I won't apologize for seeing him. I am greatful that I got to say goodbye. It would have killed me if I hadn't.

All I wanted was to say goodbye, to be in his arms again before he left, and to known that he still cared about me, that I still meant something to him. I got all of those things. It's all smoke and mirrors from here on out...

I miss him...

So much that sometimes it hurts from the inside out. I left my home and couldn't get Robert out of my head. I think about him so much and our memories together. I knew that it would hurt me beyond words if I saw him and it felt as if he forgot about me. No one told me that it would hurt even more if it felt as if nothing had changed when I saw him again. It took me three months to break him down, to make him just a little bit vulnerable. I worked over time to make him see that I wasn't like everyone else. And now I'm not around so much to see the change. But, I know it's there...

Last weekend I saw him and he just stared at me. He didn't even bother to hide his desire for me. It was written all over his face. I could do nothing but stare back at him. If he wasn't able to run and cover up his feelings, then why should I be able to?

It was him all along for me. I wish it wasn't, but it was. Mr. Wrong and I had a sexual chemistry as did RObert and I. But, with Robert, it went beyond that. I didn't have to pretend to be someone I wasn't. I could be a fucked up bitch to him, and he still wanted me. I didn't have to put off this facade.

The entire time I wanted Mr. Wrong the thought of giving up Robert tore me up completely on the inside. The thought of being without him, the thought of him not being in my life is like a slow death. I didn't want to want him because I knew it couldn't work that I avoided it at all costs. But, it was as if I just couldn't stay away from no matter what I said or did. I was his. And something tells me a part of him is mine.


Will it always be like this? The looks, the heated gazes we shoot at eachother kill me. Nothing has actually happened, but everytime we see eachother the fire has gotten bigger. We're friends. Bullshit. Friends don't talk like we do. They don't. They don't look at eachother like we do.

I remember that day he came the closest to saying he cared about me, even though things weren't completely over with his brother. I cried and cried my eyes out that day because no matter how I've fought it, how I've attempted to deny it, I love him...