I don't think...

I've cried as much as I have today in forever. I realize that this isn't goodbye forever, but it's goodbye to everything being the same. I realize once I leave nothing will ever be the same again. Things have already changed dramatically and I haven't left yet. Today I did so much packing and had to put away things I just can't take with me. It's hard to leave this place behind, this place that has become the soap opera that I'm one of the stars of.

I was with my mom tonight and I cried and cried and cried. Then my sponsor along with Mr. Wrong, Allen, Amos, Jasmine, Robert, and Alyssa were there. And when I saw all of them I cried even harder. I thought that I would never stop.

I wish my mother could have met the twins under different circumstances. I was surprised that she simply adored the both of them. They both gave her hugs and kisses on both cheeks. But, I think the reason why my mom liked them so much is how they handled me. They both gathered me in their arms and told me that it would all be okay, and they would see me when I got off my one month restriction at the place.

Tommorow will be even worse, I know it. I already know that I will be in complete tears the entire way there. There's no doubt in my mind about all of that. It's just hard saying goodbye to the place you swear you want to blow up, but will miss more than words. It's hard saying a temporary goodbye to the people half of the time you swear you hate, but know that deep down you'd be simply lost without them. The hardest thing, is to leave all you know to try something different. That's the hardest part, I'd say.

As a side note, that was the first time that Robert has ever seen me cry. I don't think he quite knew what to make of it all at first. I'll write one last entry tommorow. And then I won't be blogging for quite some time, and when I do, it will be here and there...

It's the going away for awhile...

that all but kills me. I know it's not that far. I'm acting as if I am going to some lock down rehabilitation center in fucking Utah. Now that would be enough for me to do so many drugs that I would overdose and fucking kill myself. I feel sorry for anyone who has been to Utah. What the hell am I talking about? That's where my future children will go if they decide they want to try to put me through the hell I put my mother through... No costly 60 day rehabs that don't do shit for them.

I am going to some sober living about a half an hour away. It's so structured that it might as well be a lock down facility. Half an hour might as well be the end of the world when your mother has taken your car away from you permanently. Who am I kidding? If I were my mother I'd take away the car and send me away too...

So, I will be without a computer after this weekend. It sucks. Robert promised that he would come and see me when I am off my first month restriction. I love that guy. I truly do. Things are about to change so dramatically and to be quite honest I am scared to death of that change. I truly am. I'm not gonna put on this brave face and say that I'm not. I'm terrified. But, I think that's okay...

Mr. Wrong and Alyssa are officially together now. You would think that that would have me in tears or what not, but to be perfectly honest it doesn't bother me. It's awkward being around them and watching them kiss. It's hard watching him hug her the way he did with me a couple of weeks ago. It's sometimes impossible not to wonder why he chose her over me. Sometimes I wonder why he didn't do anything with me when he had the chance. Tonight things weren't so strained between us.

I could look at him and feel this sense of greatfulness towards him. He walked away from me, but he left my dignity intact. How many women can say that about Mr. Wrong? A woman never leaves him with her disgnity intact. But, I did. And for that I am truly greatful to him. I no longer hate Alyssa. Alea and her have been there for me on a daily basis since I relapsed.

I feel somewhat sorry for Alyssa. How does she look like towards other people? One minute she's with one of the greatest guys I know and the next she's with Mr. Wrong. He has nothing. He doesn't have a job or a car. He has nothing to truly offer her. She's already telling him she loves him and everything. He says it back, but I can see he doesn't truly mean it. When does he ever? Him and I hugged tonight and I was no longer angry with him.

I love Alyssa, and all I could think was better her than me. I was spared all that. I get to work on myself and get someone who is worth so much more than Mr. Wrong. Thank God, is all I can say. Either things will work out with those two or they will end so fucking badly. Either way it is none of my fucking business. Thanks God, again. I wash my hands clean of that situation. I want no part in their downfall or that drama...

Speaking of Drama. Joey showed up tonight with his lady. And there was one moment where Joey had to walk by Mr. Wrong and Alyssa to talk to Jason. Kathryn and I waited for something to happen. Joey acted as if he couldn't even see Mr. Wrong. God damn. Kathryn and I were waiting for someone to throw a punch. Nothing happened. That is not a fight I would look forward to breaking up. Everyone would see where my loyalty lies. Joey. Hands down. No questions whatsoever.

I will miss all of you terribly. I really will. This blog has become like my child. Sometimes it feels as if when nothing is going right, or at least the way I want it to, I have this. I created this blog. I've nutured it. Yeah, you'll find I'm nothing more than a huge sap, or in Robert's words, too sentimental. I'll be blogging some more before I leave at the end of this weekend.

I royally screwed up (my longest entry)

I did alot of drugs and alcohol from Last Sunday to this Sunday. On Tuesday one of my ex sponsor’s best friend dragged me to a meeting. I thought I was done. Kathryn and Jasmine had picked me up and dragged me to a meeting Wednesday and sat there with me as I admitted to the group that I had messed up really badly.

Last Thursday I saw Mr. Wrong, but he didn't see me. For once my first thought wasn’t about how handsome he was or how he turned me on. My first thought was how I couldn’t believe how much he had hurt me and how I had put myself in a position to let it all happen.

You know what hurts the most? He said he had all of those feelings for me and that he meant them at least at the time. It hurts because he’s now all but with Alyssa. He may just be dating her to get what he wants from her, but it kills me from the inside out. It looks like I never could have won to begin with. I began crying as I walked away, making sure he couldn't see me.

Jessica had called me three times. I didn’t want to talk to her, especially since I was loaded. But, she kept calling and texting me off the hook. She was worried about me. I finally called her back on Friday.

“I love you, honey…”

“I don’t love myself right now,” I said as I felt a few tears run down my cheeks.

“Let’s get you to a meeting tonight, okay sweetie?” she gently asked me.

“I can’t go to a meeting like this…”

“Yes you can… They all know you got loaded, anyway. Shit like that doesn’t remain a secret. Right now this is about helping you save your life.” she said even more gently.

“Alright, come get me,” I said as I looked for something to wear.

We got to the meeting and Jessica helped me out of the car. I turned on the lights for the meeting and then went outside to smoke. I really needed a cigarette to get through this night. Jessica put an arm around me and stroked my back. I saw the love, sympathy, as well as fear in her eyes…

As if things could get worse Alyssa and Mr. Wrong came. From the corner of my eye I couldn’t tell if they had been holding hands or not. Mr. Wrong approached me and even though he tried to hide it I could tell he was relieved to see me at a meeting. Something happened that made me stop hating Alyssa forever.

She saw me and I saw how sad she looked. We stepped off to the side, away from everyone else. She pulled me into a tight hug, but I could barely hang on because I was really weak.

“Hey, mama, what’s cracking,” asked Robert as he approached me later that night. I watched a look of concern come across his face.

“Are you still sick,” he asked as he felt my forehead.

“No, Robert. I got loaded,” I said waiting for him to hate me, knowing I couldn’t stand it if he ever did.

“It happens, you know,” he said shrugging his shoulders.

When I went back inside I was not feeling well. Jessica came and brought me some water. I drank it down quickly. I went to the bathroom and sank to my knees. And then I began heaving into the toilet. I had forgotten to shut the stall. I looked up and there stood Jane looking as if she was going to cry. Before I left Jason gave me a huge hug.

It’s funny how I was so worried about Joey, Alyssa, and Robert getting loaded. But, out of all those people I was the only one who got loaded. I mean I hated Alyssa because I was prettier and she always got what I wanted. If I’m to be honest she has a better personality then me. She’s a lot nicer. I’m a little rough around the edges.

The next day I saw Joey at a meeting and he approached me, all concerned.

“This is so embarrassing,” I stated refusing to look anywhere but at him.

“You can do it again, just do whatever your sponsor says,” said Joey reaching his hand out to me. I took it and he helped me stand up, since the meeting was having a break.

I laid back on the sand and listened to him share once the meeting resumed. When he talked about his new girlfriend I had to sit up to make sure I wasn’t dreaming. I’m not just letting go of Mr. Wrong. I’m also letting Joey go. I have never been so proud of Joey then I was in that moment. I realized at that point, also, I feel honored to say he’s been in my life. I gave him a hug goodbye and a kiss on the cheek.

“My life has been dramatic since I met you...” I had to cut him off before he could say anything else.

“Thank you Joey, for everything you’ve done for me. You were one of my first friends when I got clean. Before you came into my life there had never been a guy who would never let me down,” I stated as I started bawling all over again.

“You’re not done getting loaded, are you,” he asked sadly.

I shook my head. I wanted to stay around Joey for a little bit longer, but I walked away. And I didn’t look back. I began crying once more hysterically. I had to mourn the loss of the man I was once madly in love with. I’ve denied it forever.

And as I cried over Joey I realized I was completely over Mr. Wrong because he would never measure up to Joey in one hundred years. He is incapable of being the man Joey is. And then I wiped my tears and wanted to get drunk.

I called my friend Jewel. We got wasted when one of her boy toys. Then we ditched him and went to the ghetto part of L.A to go get drugs. The night/morning ened with me fucked up on meth and doing lines of cocaine in her car. When I came down I called my mother crying and she came and got me. Then I called my sponsor crying hysterically. My, god, I’m ashamed… One day at a time, I suppose...

I never thought I'd have to say this...

But, I'm on the edge of a nervous breakdown. I don't want to sound so weak but that's just where I'm at. Everything is getting to me in every way possible. I wish with all of my heart I could call Joey and beg him to save me from myself, but at this point he is nowhere to be found.

He changed all of his numbers so that no one can reach him. I heard he shaved off all of his hair. I haven't seen him in over a week. Obviously he's not doing so well I'm so worried about him.

Alyssa can fuck Mr. Wrong. I'll get over that. Besides, at this point, she can have him. But, if Joey does drugs again because of her a side of me most people don't know will come out. I will go after her with avengence and no one will be able to stop me. No one wants to be on my bad side when that happens.

Most of the time I am the true deffinition of a lady. I dress nicely, I have perfect posture, and have impecable manners. But, when you screw with one of the pieces of my heart all my mannerisms fade away and I'm coming after you. Joey and I have a rocky relationship half the time but he's one of the pieces of my heart.

Yesterday was just one of those days that changes everything and you don't know who you are anymore. You don't know what you think or what's truly going on. All you want to do at the end of the day is run away from everything you know...

Robert called me and asked if I wanted to come by the shop he works at and hang out for awhile. I knew Mr. Wrong wouldn't be there, so I didn't see the harm in the situation. I went there and he greeted me by picking me up and giving me the hugest hug. I smiled against him and knew the feelings weren't gone at all.

We went and got some sandwiches. We were sitting in his car yelling at eachother back and forth as usual about how many rights women should have. Then he gave me a lazy smile before looking serious...

"My way of thinking may be fucked up, but at least I always take care of you. I'm making sure your getting fed..."

I couldn't say much because it was true. I just nodded my head as we pulled back into the shop's parking lot. Then I looked inside and there was Mr. Wrong. I shook my head. He walks over to the car and asks us if we have cigarettes. We both shake our heads no. I asked him what was going on and he said nothing. Then he walked away from me. Later we were all smoking and he gave me this small hug and all but ignored me.

I could do this as long as Robert didn't leave my side. Then the worst happened. Alea called and wanted him to go get food with him. I sighed. Unlike Mr. Wrong Robert always knows when something is wrong with me.

"Don't worry. I'm not cheating on you."

"We're not together..."

"You're learning fast, princess..."

I rolled my eyes and went to get cigarettes. When I came back Mr. Wrong was gone and Robert had come back. Things were different for some reason. We were outside and I was so tired. My car was in the shop. So I asked if he could take me home. He wasn't supposed to leave the shop, but I gave him one of my looks and he caved in...

"Do you trust me," he asked as we were near my house.

"I trust you to get me home in one piece... But, do I trust you? Absolutely not. Do you trust me?"

"No," he answered with a smile.

I knew in that moment that was the most he had ever let his guard down. I also knew as of then, he wasn't so scared of me as he used to. We pulled up to my house.

"Will you smoke one last cigarette with me?" I asked.

He smiled that smile once more and nodded his head as he took out a cigarette. That smile never left his face. I felt my heart stop all over again. We were not done, and I knew it was only gonna get worse from here.

"So you don't trust me?"

"Robert, I don't trust anyone..."

"You're smart," he replied still giving me that heart stopping smile.

"No man, no cry," I sufficed.

"Yes..."

"I've made a few deductions about you," I informed.

"Let's hear it..."

I told him my theory about him about not wanting to be vulnerable. I then told him that I knew I'm special to him and that he's afraid to get burned by people because they leave. He told me I'm more special to him then I could ever know. Then he told me that he's not afraid of getting burned by people, but he is afraid of them leaving. I gave him a huge hug before I left.

"Bye, beautiful..."

When I got in the house I fell apart and began crying my eyes out. I wasn't sure that I would ever be able to stop. Even if Mr. Wrong did want to be with me I just couldn't do it. I care about Robert so much that sometimes it hurts me from the inside out. Mr. Wrong has probably gotten over me, but I still have feelings for him. But, Robert... I'm more sexually attracted to Mr. Wrong then Robert. But, I've formed this emotional attachment to Robert that won't go away no matter what I say or do.

He's decided not to get attached to me, but it's there. I see it in his eyes. He'll do anything for me. I think he's slowly falling in love with me. And when push comes to shove I'd do anything in this world for him except give up this deadly addiction I have towards his brother... God, help me... I'm in love with them both...

I've made a decision...

And I'm sticking to it. I've decided to take my sponsor's direction and go on a 60 day man restriction. Jasmine's sister talked to Mr. Wrong on Monday. He told her that he wasn't lieing if he told any girl he liked her. He just didn't want to hurt her, because all he wanted was to get laid. Him and I talked last night. He said he meant everything he said to me on Friday, but that he's not in any place to be in a relationship. He has nothing to offer anyone at this point. We both agreed on all of this.

I ofcourse had to hurt myself a step further and ask how he felt about Alyssa. He said he didn't know, but that he wasn't fucking her yet. I think he wants to, though. I found out she left Joey for him, so she could fuck around with him. What a whore. He said it bothers him that she flirts with alot of guys. I asked him if he'd ever want to be with her when he was ready to be in a relationship. He once again didn't know. Then I asked him if one day he'd want to be with me. Mr. Wrong told me he didn't know. It felt like a knife going through my heart because I realize the extent of how powerless I am over this situation.

I am just worried that Alyssa will wedge her way into this no matter what I say or do at this point. But, I realize he probably will fuck her and I am powerless over that too. I doubt he'll have a meaningful relationship with her. And if he does it won't last as long as it did with Joey. I jut have to let go right now and realize if it's meant to be it will happen and if it isn't it won't... It sucks like that... But, that's life on life's terms for you...

The up and downs...

I don't think that he knows that I know yet and still Mr. Wrong won't call me. Why do I care if he calls me or not? Why would I even want him to? Normal girls would never want to hear from him ever again. I think there's a part of me that needs to hear him say it because he hasn't. I need to hear him tell me how much of an asshole he really is, how he really did this to me, and how he's able to live with himself. I've heard all these other people say it, but not him.

Another part of me wants to hear that he really cares, and that she doesn't mean anything to him. If she didn't mean anything to him and I still meant so much to him one day after awhile I could forgive him and things could be okay, but they're not. Right now they are as far from okay as fucking possible.

I've come up with two reasons why he never called me back. He was with Alyssa that night and just didn't want to talk to me. He wants nothing to do with me and is letting me go. The other reason is he feels guilty, knows that I know, or at least knew that I was going to find out one way or the other. At this point I don't know if he is just a liar or a coward...

I have more repect for his brother, Robert, at this point. It's obvious he has a thing for me of sorts, if that's what you want to call it. But, he made it obvious that he didn't want to be with me and that he didn't want to get attached. His exact words were any woman between the ages of 18-40 was fair game. At least he put all the cards on the table.

What will I do if I see him tommorow? What will I say? What the fuck am I going to do if he shows up with Alyssa? I hate that bitch more than fucking anyone at this point in time. What if he ignores me or lets me ignore him? Oh, hell, what if he tries to talk to me? I don't know anything at this point in time...

Bring on the pain...

There's nothing left to do or say at this point. I called Jessica last night. She confirmed everything Jasmine had told me. I got off the phone with her and broke down in tears no matter how much I told myself that I wasn't going to. Lila had to come and get me I was so hysterical. Somebody make this go away. There's something going on between Mr. Wrong and Alyssa. She's not with Joey anymore. My heart feels like it is shattered. I don't mean anything to him. He didn't mean any of those things he said to me. I feel so stupid for crying. But, I can't help it. I have to hold tight and know that one day all of this will make sense, even though I don't understand any of it at this point... At this point I am just crushed and completely devestated... It's going to take awhile for me to get over this one, if I ever do...

I'm so twisted up...

from the inside out. I don't know what to do, who to believe, or what the fuck is going on anymore. I really don't. I want to believe that Mr. Wrong meant all of those wonderful things that he said to me on Friday, but right now I just don't know. I thought things were going to be better between us, that things were about to change dramatically. Well, they're deffinitely about to change dramatically either way is all I can say at this point...

First off Mr. Wrong didn't call me all day yesterday. I was fine with that. Whatever. Now that I knew how he felt I didn't need to hear from him. I had the assurance that he cared about me. I got all dressed up tonight, thinking I would see him. He wasn't there. I texted him. He responded asking me what was up? Then I called him. His phone was off. I tried one more time. I got his voicemail. By the way, he still hasn't called me back... Then when the meeting had a break Jasmine came and talked to me...

"You need to stay away from the twins. He is just like Robert..."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"Alyssa and Mr. Wrong were all over eachother last night, hugging and kissing..."

"What the fuck?"

"Well, they weren't kissing, but you know what I mean..."

"I don't want to hear any more of this..."

"You can't be upset. He's not your man..."

I walked away feeling completely crushed. That's still how I feel. I feel as if I don't know anything anymore. Why would he do this? At least try and get me into bed again first. What the fuck? Alyssa is with Joey... I thought he gave a shit for real about me... And the fact that he hasn't called me back completely crushes my soul. I don't know if he's going to call me back, and if he does what am I going to say? When I see him what will I do or say? God, I need help...

I wanted this...

But, I never thought that it would happen. I didn’t think that it would happen after Thursday and if it happened, not the way it has. Life feels so surreal right now, like a dream of sorts. I feel like a young teenager who has a crush for the first time all over again…

On Friday Mr. Wrong and I went on a walk. I wanted to talk to him about how upset I was over a family member who has passed away. We ended up talking about our Sobriety and just how far we’ve come from where we were once upon a time. He was talking about his relationships with the opposite sex.

How I didn’t know where the conversation was going is beyond me. He told me about how he had talked to Kathryn. My heart stopped beating for a moment. I was so embarrassed. I turned away from him for a moment. This was the last thing I really wanted to discuss.

“I know,” I replied.

“And I’m thinking that you and she had the exact same conversation…”

“I don’t want to discuss it,” I said facing him.

“Why not?”

“I don’t want things to be awkward between us…”

“Why would things be awkward between us?”

“I don’t know…”

“We’re both adults. We should be able to talk about it. How old are you?”

“Nineteen…”

“Besides it could make things better between us…”

He pulled me into a hug. I held on to him tightly as I wrestled inside myself. I sighed deeply as I gently pulled away from him.

“Are my feelings one sided?”

He looked at me in a way that he never has before. It sort of scared me. He looked somewhat emotional and not as cautious as he usually is. I couldn’t believe that any of this was happening…

“No… I’m going to let my guard down a little bit here…”

I just stared at him, waiting for him to continue. Now this really wasn’t happening. I couldn’t stop the small smile that made its way onto my face. He had fucking feelings for me.

“I got burned in a past relationship. All the rumors you have heard about me are true. But, I’m not like that anymore. I’m not going to hurt you.”

“Good. I don’t want to be hurt by you. Kathryn would kick your ass if you kicked my ass…”

“Yeah she would…” he laughed.

“You can trust me. I’m not going to hurt you,” I promised.

“She’s like our councilor…”

I looked at him as if he had slightly lost his mind. He grinned at me as he pulled me into another hug. This was our longest hug thus far. When he pulled away he had this unreadable expression on his face. I thought he was going to kiss me but he didn’t.

“You take my breath away,” was all he said.

I can’t get that out of my head. I take his fucking breath away from him. I don’t know what’s going to happen. I realize that neither one of us is ready to be together, so we’ll have to see what happens. I wanted him to feel the same way. I wanted him to care. But, I wasn’t sure that he could or that I would ever be enough to make it happen… I don’t know if we’ll ever be in a relationship, we’ll see what happens… All I know is I get the chills when I am around him…

I think Jessica was right...

All I am doing is setting myself up for a fall that I am not ready or even willing to take. It's hard to know when you should let go or try harder. Well, I think I'm at the point where I know that I need to let go. But, at the same time I want to try harder because he's what I want for now...

So, I was talking with Kathryn at the meeting when Mr. Wrong approached us. He gave her a hug since he hadn't seen her in forever. Then Alea pulled up with Jane and Alyssa. He gives Alyssa the type of hug that he gave me the other day. I was simply spewing. He wouldn't hug me like that but he would with her? I thought he wasn't acting that way because his mother was around. Apparently that wasn't the case at all.

I realize why I can't stand Alyssa so much. It's not the fact that she irritates me to such a degree. Trust me. She does. It's the fact that every guy I ever like she gets her hooks into him. She deffinitely did it with Joey. Alyssa got him to be her boyfriend. And Jason did whatever she told him to. And now Mr. Wrong... It seems like he is falling for the same thing...

"If you're ever going to be hid girl you have to get used to him talking to other girls. He's a fine looking guy..."

"I know. And I wouldn't care if I was with him. It wouldn't bother me at all, but I'm not. And I don't think that I ever will be..."

She told me I have to mind fuck myself and make myself believe that I don't care, that it's not that he might not want me, but that I haven't decided if he's what I want, if he's good enough.

Later her and I were talking again. She told me she was going to discuss all of this with Mr. Wrong. I don't know why I went back inside and let her talk to him. She told him that I had feelings for him and that if he broke my heart that she would beat him up. He told her that he wouldn't. I don't know what that means now. Is he going to avoid me? What will happen?

"Be patient with him. He has high morals, high standards. I yelled at him about getting involved with Alyssa. I told him about how he and Joey did time together, and that he better not get with her. He'll leave her alone. Be his friend. He just got out of rehab. He needs a friend more than anything else..."

Now I just feel stuck. I don't know how to be his friend without asking him to hang out, or sounding just stupid. If I'm still gonna have anything to do with him I don't know how to stop the flirting. And if I can't do that my only choice is to get up and walk away from the situation. At that point if it's meant to be it'll happen. If it's not then it won't... Or maybe I'll just walk away to see if he'll try to stop me, and if he doesn't then fuck him...

I couldn't even talk to Robert that much tonight. It would have been too weird to flirt with Robert tonight. His baby's mama and his baby was there. Yeah, even I'm not that scandalous. I wouldn't put it past Alyssa, though. I fucking hate that bitch. I really do. I may deserve better than Joey, but Joey deserves better than Alyssa. I used to think him and Jessica should hook up...