Well...

You know what they say. The ups go down... That's what's been happening. I'm home. I think coming home is the biggest mistake I've made. For the last two months I've had people breathing down my neck telling me what to do and how to do it. Not many people know I'm back, but Friday... that's when everyone will be there. I mean everyone from Mr. Wrong to Jessica. This ought to be interesting. I don't know what I am going to say or do when I see Robert in just a couple of days. God help us all. I think I've really found a way to bring meaning to the phrase shit's about to go down... In what world did I think Robert, baby, baby's mama, and me made for a happy ending. I'm a very silly girl in so many ways. I'm not all that nervous about seeing Mr. Wrong. But, Robert, (and his baby's mama) is a complete and total different story...

Mr. Wrong resurfaces...

In my mind once more... I don't know why and I don't know what it is. I heard him and Alyssa are on the rocks. I don't know. Someone told me that they are in love. I tried not to laugh at that. Mr. Wrong in love? Somebody tell me we've achieved world peace or that George Bush is the best president that we've ever had. Please. Both of those things are quite more believable. Mr. Wrong did something terrible to an almost enemy of mine. I just sighed. I wasn't surprised. There is absolutely nothing that Mr. Wrong could say or do that would shock me in the least. On some level I miss that fucked up asshole. No matter what he's done to me I will never be able to hate him for anything he's done. A part of me can't wait to visit home and shake things up.

There's a huge part of me that wants to visit looking hotter than shit, stir things up, fuck with Robert's mind, Mr. Wrong's mind, plant seeds of doubt in Alyssa's mind, and be the complete center of attention. It's what I lived for, but I'm trying to be different. I'm trying to change. Why do I want to break them up? Why do I even care? Mr. Wrong and I also have no place together. He's one step above his twin... Speaking of Robert...

I haven't talked to him since that night. It's kind of like it was with Mr. Wrong. I don't miss him as much as I thought that I would. But, there are moments... Believe me when I say there are moments where I wonder how things could have been different... With Robert......... or even MR WRONG..

Everything...

is going to be just fine. Someone told me to take three days to be upset with him and cry or do whatever I had to do. That's what I did. Well, by Saturday I was fine. I realized in what world would we fucking work? He doesn't have a car right now and neither do I. He's not even working right now and I am. What were we going to do? Meet for a date I pay for on the bus? That sounds so silly and rediculess that I laugh as I write this. Robert was a great fantasy just like his brother. Sounds wonderful. The gangster and the ex- (turned sometimes) princess. It makes for a worthwhile novel. Jackie Collins could write it. But, in real life? No, it just doesn't happen. I don't know what will happen when I see him next, but that'll come in time. I'll write more tommorow. I'm tired... In case anyone cares, I'm doing fantastic at my new job...

I don't even know what to say...

About Aanything. All I can ask at this point is why? What the hell was the point? Why did everything since January happen? I used to think it was because Robert and I were meant to be something, even a little anything... And now it's not going to happen no matter what I do. He didn't go to jail like he was supposed to . And now he's going to try to make things work with his baby's mama. Why, why, why? Why did this happen? In Robert's eyes no one could compare to me... but her. And now she gets him. It wouldn't have mattered what I did. I just was not going to win. His baby's mama will always win. He loves her. He liked me more than all the other girls. But, he loved her. And he still does. I can't compete with that. Yeah. I'm not going to win this one. I am so angry, not just because I liked him so much. I am furious because although he was all tough and shit I got to him. And now it's for nothing. We were friends and he never hurt me. And now I'm hurt by him. What did I expect though. The tears won't come, which is good. Because, when they do, who knows when they will stop. I don't... I hate this so, so, much. Why, Robert, why? WHY?!?!?!

He's gone...

And I don't know what to say, think, or do. At least he's supposedly gone. I don't want him to be gone. I cried as I walked home from work yesterday. I hate that job. I wanted to quit. Then I heard Robert in my head saying I needed to work. I cried more because it made me think of this huge fight we got into once...

"You need to be working..."

"I know. Just shut up Robert. Do not lecture me right now..."

"I love you, mama..."

"Obviously! I'm sick..."

"If I was there I would give you a huge hug."

"Did you not just hear me? I'm sick, as in I'm contagious," I responded as if I was talking to a five year old.

"I don't give a fuck. That just means I get to sleep for a couple of days..."

"You're unbelievable," I said.

"Well, I gotta go..."

"ALright, fool. I'll see you when I see you," I said before hanging up. We live by that saying.

I don't know what's going to happen when he gets back. Like I said before, I feel so lost. He didn't even call me or anything before he went. Oh, my God. Somebody stop this empty feeling. I feel hollow from the inside out. I hate to say it, but I feel as if a part of me is missing. He was never suppose to mean anything on that level to me, let alone become a part of my heart I don't want to be without. His brother never meant this to me

I want to just lay my cards on the table when he gets back. But, I'm scared. I'm scared that he'll just run away from me. But, more than anything I'm just scared that he's not gonna want to be with me. That look in his eyes used to be guarded. That's why I called it fearful desire. But, it's not guarded at all anymore. I guess I'm hoping against hope, though he's been burned, he'll takr a chance on me. Oh, well. Here's to hoping...