No one Understands...

They really fucking don't. How can they when I barely understand anything. I feel slightly depressed right now. It's Christmas eve and for the first christmas even in probably my entire life I'm virtually alone. There's only one person I want to spend it with and I can't... No one gets it. They just don't.

They always tell me you guys can't ever be together. You don't meet in rehab and end up with someone. It doesn't happen that way. They don't see what I see in him. All they see is someone with not alot of money, younger than me, and not that cute. They don't see what I see. Because, if they did, they'd want him too. But, their right in all they say. He is younger. Mr. Wrong was way hotter. And he has nothing. He's in rehab. But, he gets me. With one look he just knows. You know when you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that someone has seen past your pretty face? That you're more than that to them? Like you just know? That's how it was from that day.

It's not as if we were in the same program. We were in two different programs, one a male program and the other, the one I was in, was a female program. But, they had this event one day in the summer. It's like the one day where they can really talk to women. He infuriated me from the second we introduced. I thought he was completely off the hook. But, I can tell you one thing. He made me laugh. He made me smile. And I'll never forget that for the rest of my life.

You know those people that you know that you will never forget? He'll always be one of them. I miss him more than words could ever state. I haven't seen him in a month. I have to see him before I go crazy.

Progress report

A really long time. I've missed writing in here, but like I said I was going to rehab. And I've been there. And I'm almost done with it. One month to go. I had four months clean when I put myself there. I just felt like everything was falling apart and there were days when I wanted to kill myself. I've learned so much in treatment. I've grown so much. I'm alive again, like right before Mr. Wrong got out of rehab. I'm that girl again. I'm beautiful. I'm alive. And I know it. It's not perfect. I've got alot to sort out, but it's gonna be okay. I'm gonna be okay.

Alyssa's pregnant. Shocking. I saw her and Mr. Wrong a month ago. I was dressed to kill. I was home on a pass. She's fat, pregnant, and her baby's daddy is off the hook... And me, I'm recovering and can do anything I want to do once more. I want to live, be happy, and survive today... There's this guy I like in another program... but I respect that he's not supposed to talk to me... I know, I know, my downfall

Once more...

I'm leaving. For rehab. I wonder what will be said about me when I'm gone. Probably absolutely everything and anything. So, let's see, what's going on for the minute before Rashelle comes to takes me to rehab...

Jessica came around as she always does in the end. What can I say? we seem to be stuck together as friends on some level. Anyway, lately she knows what's going on with everyone...

Jane came to Jessica's in tears. Apparently Jason said that he had things going on and that he couldn't see her right now. We all know what that means. He wants to fuck other girls, right? Obviously...

Anyway, she's been hanging out with Matthew pretty much everyday. Matthew been creating quite the stir lately. Everytime Mr. Wrong isn't around she is all over him. I saw that when I was in sober living a couple months ago. When I saw them I even asked her if her and Mr. Wrong ago. As Matthew grabs her ass she tells me that her and Mr. Wrong are doing really well. Unbelievable...

Jessica can't believe Alyssa turned out to be such a whore and Alyssa can't believe that I don't like her. What is wrong with everyone? It took both of them that long to figure out both things? My god...

Goodbye, my loves. You'll get an entry in about a month or two. It time to leave and truly take care of myself. Everything will be alright...

I'm pretty much...

the deffinition of a lost girl right now. I used to always say I was lost in the back of my mind or that I didn't know who I was. We always know who we are. It's just that sometimes who we are is too much to face, so we go around saying we don't.

Let's see. I was the poor little rich girl. I was mommy's angel. I was the preppy girl. For a minute I was a metal head. But, always between those things I was an addict. Let's be honest, shall we? Crystal and coke were my lovers. They wer emy first, last, and always. People always said they would be the death of me. Sometimes I wonder if that's still true.

Lea's as good as gone. It's hard to talk to Rashelle. I can't call Robert or even Mr. Wrong. Jessica doesn't understand any of this. Kathryn and I rarely ever talk anymore. Hell, I'd settle for Joey, but these days he'd just shut me down. He used to never shut me down. I used to have his attention for hours on end. He'd listen to all my dramatic spews.

What happened to these people who loved me so much, or at least I thought they at least cared. They've all changed so much that it's like looking at strangers. I just want someone to listen to me, someone to care. So, I can say what I've been dying to say. I'm dieing inside and I'm drowning in the middle of the sea. Would you throw me a life jacket, please? But, even if they would listen I would never say that.

And the only person I can talk to out of all those people I listed is Mr. Wrong. But, things are so awkward between us. He kissed me. And instead of letting him like I used to I pulled away and asked him what he was doing.

"I missed you..."

"You don't get to miss me because you did this. I got to miss you for as long as I wanted to. But, I stopped missing you. You don't ever get to do this to me..."

"I'm still in love with you..."

"You were never in love with me to begin with. You don't love anyone. And I don't blame you. It's not your fault. You can't because you don't love yourself..."

"Well, neither do you?"

"What do you mean?"

"You walk everywhere holding your looks as a badge of honor so someone will notice, anyone..."

"Fuck you..." I said softly.

"You don't mean it..."

"You're right. I don't. I'm going to go before I say anything else I don't really mean..."

Sometimes I miss Robert. Sometimes I hate him. Sometimes I'm indifferent. I'm just tired of crying. It hurts. Maybe I'll call Jessica tommorow and tell her that she has no choice but to meet with me and at least hear me...

"Things change.
And friends leave.
And life doesn't stop for anybody..."

Everything feels so messed up...

I can't stop crying even as I write this. It feels like everything I ever built is falling to pieces. The people I love aren't being who I want them to be, or how they're supposed to be. I don't even know Lea anymore. It's like talking to a stone wall. We used to do everything together and now we don't. We've fought before. We've had big fights. I wish that's what it was. With a fight you can say things you don't mean. And then you can say sorry. And then things can maybe one day be the way they used to be. But, when there's no fight, and no one's done anything there's nothing to apologize for. We're just not going to be friend's forever, like we used to be. We've been friends, best friends, since I was fourteen. Well, if anything, this is the year where I'm learning forever is impossible.

Oh, who the hell am I kidding? I've known forever was impossible since the day I was born. But, I guess there's this part of me that wants to believe in it so badly, that I'll let people knock me to the ground everytime. Ever heard of the queen who fell from grace? Welcome to my world...

Saying goodbye...

I said goodbye forever to Robert. Ofcourse not face to face. I wrote a three page letter to myself that will never reach him. I kept thinknig one day we'd have this great conversation that would fix us, the situation. Nothing can fix the situation. Words have yet to be invented. And we will never have this conversation, because he doesn't deserve to hear how I really feel. Not now. Not ever. I deserved so much better than he could give. I'm done. With him. With his brother. Goodbye to that chapter in my life. Here's to a new one...

"This is my goodbye to you because I can’t do this anymore.
I may not be strong enough to stay around, but I’m wise enough…
To know it’s way past time to let you go.
I am going to miss you so much…"

The gossip...

Since that was the original intention of this blog. Let's see what is going on in the world I live in...

I saw the girl Robert chose after things didn't work out with his child's mother. She couldn't believe that he had baby mama drama. I really wanted to ask her how she couldn't know that? How stupid can one person really get?

Alyssa didn't invite me to her party last weekend. That's shocking. I think she's still somewhat upset over the fact that I slept with Mr. Wrong last summer. Whatever. Speaking of Mr. Wrong...

I saw Mr. Wrong tonight and he looked at me with those eyes. Yeah, I'm throughly convinced that those eyes will draw me into him until the day I die, or at least until I no longer know him. Sometimes he gives me a look and I think he wishes that he had chose differently. Fuck, if I were with Alyssa, I'd wish I had chosen the girl working the corner...

Amos came out of the closet. Such a pity. I really wanted to have him for a night or so. It could have been fun. He told me even if he primarily wants men, he'd make an exception for me. Gee, how did I ever get so lucky?

Jasmine's in rehab. I do miss her quite a bit. She always was the younger version of me.

Jason hasn't been around lately. There is a rumor around that he's dealing crack. Interesting. But, not likely.

I haven't heard shit about Robert. There's probably not much to say there. Will he choose this new girl on the scene or his baby's mama? The soap opera will one day unfold. Sooner than later, I expect.

Alea is still pining for the one in jail. Boring. No one knows what's going on with Jane, really. They tel me she's doing well. Even more boring. They tell me how happy Alyssa is, well except she's unhappy with me. Do you think I care? Not a chance in hell?

Haven't heard a thing about Mr. X in forever. I think he's now in the Marines. No one cares about Mr. Unmentionable really. He became boring as well as useless after he settled down with his trailer trash. Someone get in a fight or cheat on your significant other, please. I need more gossip. Well, there are two bits I won't leave out...

The first one is that for some reason (from what I hear) Alyssa is worried that Mr. Wrong is cheating on her or will sleep with me again. He did give me that smile tonight. But, whatever. I doubt I would ever go there with him again. I'm not saying it would never happen... But, you know what they say... Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me...

Jeff and I are on speaking terms once more. We've been texting and talking alot more than we probably should. Oh, well, what can I say? In case you could not tell, I have difficulty allowing the past to be the past. We'll see what happens. One thing I can say, this summer should be interesting...

I'm only human...

And sometimes I get to this point where I don't want to deal with anything or anyone. I push everyone away because I don't want them to hurt me. I put this wall up that no one can get through. I used to be cynical, sarcastic, yet deadly beautiful. Everyone loved me. Now I'm just this hurt person who doesn't want to deal with anyone because I'm tired of getting smashed to the ground everytime.

I was the queen bee, and now Alyssa is. The one thing she doesn't know is that the tiara is made of glass. When you're running with our crowd, it slips off breaking into a million pieces taking your heart with it. I don't want to be the queen bitch anymore, but I don't want to be alone either.

I saw Joey tonight. I looked at him. All I could think was who the hell is this guy, now? I don't know him. Yeah, there's a pattern. Apparently I don't know any of these men I thought I did. Anyway, He's charming, somewhat standoffish, and he's become gorgeous. Then a sad smile made its way to my face. He's what I used to be. I probably made him that way. I hugged him and walked away. I ran to my car, drove home, and broke down in tears.

There's been so much pain in my life. All I wanted my entire life was someone to fix me, someone to love me. I just wanted someone to really accept me for who I am. I just wanted to feel like I belonged somewhere. And no matter how many people were around me, I was just this lonely girl, who did drugs. I've always looked to a guy to fix me. This whole getting clean journey. First it started with Jeff, then Mr. Unmentionable, Joey, Bob, Jason, Mr. Wrong, Robert, and the list goes on. You want to know the sick truth?

I never truly cared about any of them. I lied to myself and made myself believe I did because then it made what I was doing okay. And what I was doing was looking to them to fix what is so twisted inside of me. If I got them to be mine, to really care about me, then maybe I was worth something. I would have gone to hell and back if they had said it would impress them? You want to know why I'm angry, hurt, and have put myself in isolation. None of them are hurt by me at all. They are all living their lives, without me. I'm the one who has to deal with the guilt, shame, and humiliation. And the worst part is I have no one to blame for it, but myself. I do it to myself everytime because I want to be loved. I seek the one thing that humans want and deserve, but from all the wrong places.

I've seen women behave like this my entire life. I always told myself I was never going to be like that. I was going to be strong, independent, and I wasn't going to need or depend on anyone else. I just wasn't going to be like those other women, you know?

And now sitting in this room I'm left with me, you know? I am tired of writing out ym feelings and talking about them. Everything hurts. It hurts and it's shameful when you realize you failed the aspirations of that little girl who wanted the world on the platter, and became everything you promised yourself you would never be.

I let myself down. Why am I even posting this? I suppose because this is real life. And it's not pretty and glamorous all the time. Behind the money, the expensive clothing, is a girl dying to break free. That's who I am. But, nobody knows that...

"The courage to be who I truly am, may be the hardest thing that I have ever done in life..."

I don't know him...

I saw everyone last night. Everyone from Alea to fucking Jason was there. Well, except for Mr. Wrong and Jessica. Ooh! Maybe they're secretly fucking eachother behind everyone's back. I suppose that that makes for an excellent story except that Jessica is in a newly commited relationship and simply loathes Mr. Wrong. I suppose that she better take a number and get in line.

So, I saw Robert talking with Alea, Alyssa, and Jane. I gave them hugs and he gave this serious and unreadable look, so I dismissed him. He walked over to me looking rather upset.

"Why didn't you hug me?"

"I didn't think you'd want me to," I answered honestly.

All I wanted to do at that point was run into his arms and have him pick me up. I swore to myself at that moment if he'd just look at me the way he used to or even take me in his arms I could forgive him. I could over look the fact that he had hurt me deeply. I just wanted a piece of the man I used to know back.

"You act like you don't know me anymore."

It took everything in me not to deeply scoff, looking at him as if he had lost his mind. I wanted to yell at him, that I don't know him anymore, that I never knew him to begin with. How could I? No one ever really does. He makes damn sure of that one.

"No, I don't."

We hugged. And he pretty much ignored me the entire night. I wanted to go home and cry my eyes out. I really did. I wanted Joey to show up or even Mr. Wrong. I needed to see one of them because they are my friends. He used to ignore me like that at times, but it was never like this. It never hurt me to this degree.

I think I am so hurt because I honestly and truly realize this time that we're never going to be the way that we used to be no matter what he says and no matter what I do. There's absolutely nothing I can do about it anymore. And I'm tired of hanging on for the both of us. All I needed was one word or one look that would tell me he still cared just a little bit. But, he couldn't give me that much.

I'm fighting for something that's dead. It hurts because he became the thing I wanted the most. I wanted him the most because hewas going to be for me, something just mine. And I don't care how selfish it is. I didn't care that it made no sense. Because when all is said and done, it's over.

I have to realize that even if he apologized, something he never does, would we go back? We can't. He was my friend above everything else. I always wanted him around, but was afraid he'd get loaded and leave me behind. That's funny. He didn't get loaded. But, he still left me in a way that hurts anymore. And right now, I don't know how to get past the part where he turned my back on him. I never knew Robert as the guy who would turn on me like that. And in all honesty I really don't want to.

I used to look in his eyes and see desire, fear, potential, and 100 other things. And now when I look into his eyes I see nothing. When he looks into my eyes I know that he sees he hurt me in a way he can never fix, so what is the point of trying? I think it's time for me to realize there's got to be more for me than these men I choose?

You want to know a little secret? I'll always have a place for Robert. Because, despite everything that's happened between us, I still care. I always will. I really give up this time. There's no reason to keep hanging on to someone who won't hang on to me...


"I miss who I thought you were.
I miss the friend who'd never let me down.
That’s the guy I miss.
I can't miss you...
I don't even know who you are anymore..."

My birthday...

was today. And it was everything I didn't want it to be, and nothing went the way I wanted it to. I didn't talk to him, the him who's not worth mentioning. I couldn't help but wonder if he would call me if he had known it was my birthday. Very doubtful. Then I had to work. Then I came home and I started crying. I don't want to be older. God, sometimes, I just want to be a kid again. I know it's impossible, but here's to hoping...

I just want this year to be better. I just want this year to really mean something to me. I want to be proud of it. I don't want to feel like I am wasting time and half of the time just existing. I want this year to count. I at least want to figure out where I am going in life. Right now I feel stuck. I hate feeling stuck and not having all the answers. I really do.

Sometimes I can't control everything. Some of the time I just have to let life happen. But, I don't want life to pass me by. I am capable of so many things in so many areas. I'm not even living half way to my potential. I'm not. And it's really, really, sad. I'm a talented person. And I'm willing to bet I have undiscovered talents. I don't even know what I'm trying to say... I just want more....

"I don't have you anymore. The part that scares me is when worse comes to worse you're all I got..."

I know...

Sometimes the trick is just to keep breathing no matter what. I have to remember that sometimes certain things fall apart so that other ones can fall together. At least that's what I am going to keep telling myself. If I say it enough times I may even believe it.

I was coming home from work the other day and I just started crying. He's such a loser and a waste of my time. It's not even that I still want him. It's that he was my friend, and now he's really not. It's that he hurt me, whether he wanted to or not. You want to know the part that hurts me the very most?

I did this to myself. There was never one point in time where he actually said he wanted to be with me or even had feelings for me. All of his actions indicated such a thing, but he never voiced any of this. Once again I placed expectations and pre conceptions on someone, just to be let down.

And so I cried. I cried because I lost my friend. We were always friends. I can't lie and say I don't miss my friend, because I do, very much so. I wish things weren't the way they were. But, like I said I did this to myself. I put myself where I knew it just wasn't gonna work. How was I gonna win? I couldn't have. And I feel this sense of loss and anger.

At least with Mr. Wrong I could very rightly point the finger at him and blame the entire situation on him. I could easily get away with it. Maybe I share some of the blame... Oh, who am I kidding? It was his fault. He deffinitely wanted me, even if for a night. But, with Robert....
I haven't seen Robert in about a week. That's good. I'm in no hurry to run into him. I bumped into Mr. Wrong yesterday at the beach. He came up to me soaking wet and hugged me, pretty much against my will. Then he pretty much ignored me...

"It's really time for me to move away from him.
From all this.
I don't even know who he is anymore..."

It all changes...

I miss the days where he couldn’t shut me out no matter how hard he tried. I remember he would push me away. I would push back. And I would get into his head just a little bit. He was just a little bit attached to me. Why does it have to be this way, Robert? How did you find a way to permanently keep me away, to shut me out? I would still crawl over broken glass in order to be any part of his life that meant something, anything at all. I wish I could find a way in. Saturday he wouldn’t even hug me. A huge part of me tells me to completely give up, that he wasn’t mine to begin with. In what world could we have worked out? It hurts, just a little bit. Oh, who the hell am I kidding? It pretty much fucking kills me.

It was never supposed to be Robert. But he was all I had. And in that moment he reached me when no one else could. He forced me to smile when I swore I would never be able to laugh again. So, do I hate him? No, I love him (as a friend) because he saved me when no one else could… I’ll always be thankful for that, for the rest of my life…

I saw Joey yesterday. My heart stopped beating for a moment. You don’t understand. I hadn’t seen him in months. I hate to say this, but he looked really good. He sat next to me, we shared a cigarette, and then he left. He left without saying goodbye. He's never done that to me before. I was able to observe him for those moments. And in those moments I realized how much of a part of my life he used to be, how deeply he’s affected me. I miss the days when I could call him. He would drop everything he was doing just to make sure that I was alright.

Mr. Wrong would barely even look at me. I guess he went from having problems with Alyssa last weekend to practically being married to her. I don’t even know how to explain it all. I thought that no matter what has happened I would always have a hold of sorts on him. But, I don’t. I still know he cares about me. He gave me a huge hug.

I’m forced to look at my relationship with all three of these men and realize how it has effected and changed my life profoundly. They’ve all affected my life in different ways, forcing me to change. All I can say is it gets harder every day to keep that smile painted on. Eventually my face is gonna crack…



"Some of the men in my past are nothing but wounds that healed.
But, darling, you've left the scar that will never be erased."

It's like...

I think I know what I want and I think I know everything, and then some higher power out there throws me a curve ball. It's as if he's trying to say you don't know what you want and you don't know shit about anything. My problem is I always think the grass is going to be greener on the other side. It never is though. The problem is no matter what is really going to make me happy, life shows up. It has a really funny way of doing that.

The thing about life is its real. It's not a movie. It's painful. It's always changing. People never end up being who you want them to be or even who you thought they were. People always surprise you. The ones you love betray you. The ones who you thought would never understand you, you can't imagine your life without them...

I thought I got Robert. I thought I saw him for who he really was. I thought I had him wrapped around my finger just a little bit. You want to know what I know now? I never knew him. I knew who he let me see. No one ever sees Robert. But, maybe I did, for just a second. All I know is he didn't choose me. He didn't even choose his baby's mama... He lied to me... The twins are an enigma if not anything else...

Hold your head up high, gorgeous... There are those that would kill to see you feel

Well...

You know what they say. The ups go down... That's what's been happening. I'm home. I think coming home is the biggest mistake I've made. For the last two months I've had people breathing down my neck telling me what to do and how to do it. Not many people know I'm back, but Friday... that's when everyone will be there. I mean everyone from Mr. Wrong to Jessica. This ought to be interesting. I don't know what I am going to say or do when I see Robert in just a couple of days. God help us all. I think I've really found a way to bring meaning to the phrase shit's about to go down... In what world did I think Robert, baby, baby's mama, and me made for a happy ending. I'm a very silly girl in so many ways. I'm not all that nervous about seeing Mr. Wrong. But, Robert, (and his baby's mama) is a complete and total different story...

Mr. Wrong resurfaces...

In my mind once more... I don't know why and I don't know what it is. I heard him and Alyssa are on the rocks. I don't know. Someone told me that they are in love. I tried not to laugh at that. Mr. Wrong in love? Somebody tell me we've achieved world peace or that George Bush is the best president that we've ever had. Please. Both of those things are quite more believable. Mr. Wrong did something terrible to an almost enemy of mine. I just sighed. I wasn't surprised. There is absolutely nothing that Mr. Wrong could say or do that would shock me in the least. On some level I miss that fucked up asshole. No matter what he's done to me I will never be able to hate him for anything he's done. A part of me can't wait to visit home and shake things up.

There's a huge part of me that wants to visit looking hotter than shit, stir things up, fuck with Robert's mind, Mr. Wrong's mind, plant seeds of doubt in Alyssa's mind, and be the complete center of attention. It's what I lived for, but I'm trying to be different. I'm trying to change. Why do I want to break them up? Why do I even care? Mr. Wrong and I also have no place together. He's one step above his twin... Speaking of Robert...

I haven't talked to him since that night. It's kind of like it was with Mr. Wrong. I don't miss him as much as I thought that I would. But, there are moments... Believe me when I say there are moments where I wonder how things could have been different... With Robert......... or even MR WRONG..

Everything...

is going to be just fine. Someone told me to take three days to be upset with him and cry or do whatever I had to do. That's what I did. Well, by Saturday I was fine. I realized in what world would we fucking work? He doesn't have a car right now and neither do I. He's not even working right now and I am. What were we going to do? Meet for a date I pay for on the bus? That sounds so silly and rediculess that I laugh as I write this. Robert was a great fantasy just like his brother. Sounds wonderful. The gangster and the ex- (turned sometimes) princess. It makes for a worthwhile novel. Jackie Collins could write it. But, in real life? No, it just doesn't happen. I don't know what will happen when I see him next, but that'll come in time. I'll write more tommorow. I'm tired... In case anyone cares, I'm doing fantastic at my new job...

I don't even know what to say...

About Aanything. All I can ask at this point is why? What the hell was the point? Why did everything since January happen? I used to think it was because Robert and I were meant to be something, even a little anything... And now it's not going to happen no matter what I do. He didn't go to jail like he was supposed to . And now he's going to try to make things work with his baby's mama. Why, why, why? Why did this happen? In Robert's eyes no one could compare to me... but her. And now she gets him. It wouldn't have mattered what I did. I just was not going to win. His baby's mama will always win. He loves her. He liked me more than all the other girls. But, he loved her. And he still does. I can't compete with that. Yeah. I'm not going to win this one. I am so angry, not just because I liked him so much. I am furious because although he was all tough and shit I got to him. And now it's for nothing. We were friends and he never hurt me. And now I'm hurt by him. What did I expect though. The tears won't come, which is good. Because, when they do, who knows when they will stop. I don't... I hate this so, so, much. Why, Robert, why? WHY?!?!?!

He's gone...

And I don't know what to say, think, or do. At least he's supposedly gone. I don't want him to be gone. I cried as I walked home from work yesterday. I hate that job. I wanted to quit. Then I heard Robert in my head saying I needed to work. I cried more because it made me think of this huge fight we got into once...

"You need to be working..."

"I know. Just shut up Robert. Do not lecture me right now..."

"I love you, mama..."

"Obviously! I'm sick..."

"If I was there I would give you a huge hug."

"Did you not just hear me? I'm sick, as in I'm contagious," I responded as if I was talking to a five year old.

"I don't give a fuck. That just means I get to sleep for a couple of days..."

"You're unbelievable," I said.

"Well, I gotta go..."

"ALright, fool. I'll see you when I see you," I said before hanging up. We live by that saying.

I don't know what's going to happen when he gets back. Like I said before, I feel so lost. He didn't even call me or anything before he went. Oh, my God. Somebody stop this empty feeling. I feel hollow from the inside out. I hate to say it, but I feel as if a part of me is missing. He was never suppose to mean anything on that level to me, let alone become a part of my heart I don't want to be without. His brother never meant this to me

I want to just lay my cards on the table when he gets back. But, I'm scared. I'm scared that he'll just run away from me. But, more than anything I'm just scared that he's not gonna want to be with me. That look in his eyes used to be guarded. That's why I called it fearful desire. But, it's not guarded at all anymore. I guess I'm hoping against hope, though he's been burned, he'll takr a chance on me. Oh, well. Here's to hoping...

I caved in...

I didn't mean to, but I did. My sponsor told me not to see Robert, text him, or talk to him on the phone. And I did it for almost two weeks. That's a long time. It felt like forever. It killed me to not answer his texts and to press the ignore button when he would call me. I can honestly say that I had never done that before. He called me yesterday. I don't know what made yesterday different than the other times he had left me messages. But, I found myself dialing the number I knew by heart.

"Hey beautiful, what's up?"

"I don't know. You tell me," I said icily, trying to play it cool.

"What have you been up to," he asked, completely ignoring my cold demeanor. Really shocking. NOT!

"I don't know. Staying clean, staying away from guys..."

"I miss you... I want to see you tonight..."

"I can't. You know I can't."

"Do you want to?"

"I can't..."

"That's not what I asked you," he said somewhat harshly.

"Ofcourse I do... But, I'm trying to not be around guys..."

"She gave you that stipulation because she doesn't want you to get high. Do I make you want to get loaded?"

"Are you trying to say everything's my fault?"

"It's always the woman's fault."

"Excuse me? What? So men, have no part in anything..."

"Exactly. "

"You need to shut up before I really beat your ass..."

"I look forward to it..."

"Robert, you are impossible!"

"I'll see you at your meeting tonight."

"No... I can't."

"Well, what are they going to do if I show up? They can't stop me from seeing you. I'll be there..."

I hung up with him feeling irritated, annoyed, but at the same time completely excited. I had missed him more than words can say. I gave you all the shortened version of the conversation. He got his car completely totaled last week. I wondered for a moment how he was going to get there. Then I remembered that this was Robert. If he wanted something he'd get it. I found myself smiling.

I went to my meeting. I cut my hair really short. I was worried if Robert would like it. Alea showed up. We embraced. I didn't see Robert. I told myself over and over again that I didn't care, that I wasn't dissapointed. I had even convinced myself. At the smoke break there he was. He smiled at me, but Alea embraced him first so I tried to get lost in the crowd of people.

"Where the fuck are you going," asked Robert gaining up on me.

"She's on man restriction," laughed Alea, we shared matching smiles.

"I didn't think you were going to come," I said.

"I told you that I would," he explained.

Then I was in his arms and I never wanted to be anywhere else. I clung onto him. I was safe and nothing and no one in this world could hurt me. And if they tried he'd kill them. I pulled him as close to me as possible. I laughed as he picked me up. God, I had missed him.

I studied him throughout the meeting when he wasn't looking at me. A voice in my head told me to be careful, that he would never be mine. That voice kept going and going. Then I asked it why not. It old me because if he was ever mine I wouldn't be able to keep him. I felt so sad. Then he texted me saying that I was beautiful and that he's glad he came to see me. Suddenly the voice in my head shut off because I had a stupid smile on my face.

After the meeting I was back in his arms. I knew in that moment it would kill me if I couldn't keep him. It would kill me ten times worse than it ever did with Mr. Wrong, whom I'm good friends with now, by the way. How the hell does that happen? Don't ask me. I couldn't tell you. Anyway we just stayed like that for a few moments.

"You need to go before I drag you into the bathroom..."

"Okay," I whispered as I stepped back from him.

He just stared at me as I stared at him. I wanted to remember him like this forever. I didn't want him to forget me. Did I tell you he's going away for about a month and a half. I am going to miss him so much.

"Goodbye, Robert..."

Then the wall was up as he nodded his head as he turned to talk with Alea and the man that she is dating. But, I knew he cared more than he ever meant to. I mean something to him. He came to see me. I don't even know how he got there. It doesn't matter. I'm going to miss him so, so, so much. I won't apologize for seeing him. I am greatful that I got to say goodbye. It would have killed me if I hadn't.

All I wanted was to say goodbye, to be in his arms again before he left, and to known that he still cared about me, that I still meant something to him. I got all of those things. It's all smoke and mirrors from here on out...

I miss him...

So much that sometimes it hurts from the inside out. I left my home and couldn't get Robert out of my head. I think about him so much and our memories together. I knew that it would hurt me beyond words if I saw him and it felt as if he forgot about me. No one told me that it would hurt even more if it felt as if nothing had changed when I saw him again. It took me three months to break him down, to make him just a little bit vulnerable. I worked over time to make him see that I wasn't like everyone else. And now I'm not around so much to see the change. But, I know it's there...

Last weekend I saw him and he just stared at me. He didn't even bother to hide his desire for me. It was written all over his face. I could do nothing but stare back at him. If he wasn't able to run and cover up his feelings, then why should I be able to?

It was him all along for me. I wish it wasn't, but it was. Mr. Wrong and I had a sexual chemistry as did RObert and I. But, with Robert, it went beyond that. I didn't have to pretend to be someone I wasn't. I could be a fucked up bitch to him, and he still wanted me. I didn't have to put off this facade.

The entire time I wanted Mr. Wrong the thought of giving up Robert tore me up completely on the inside. The thought of being without him, the thought of him not being in my life is like a slow death. I didn't want to want him because I knew it couldn't work that I avoided it at all costs. But, it was as if I just couldn't stay away from no matter what I said or did. I was his. And something tells me a part of him is mine.


Will it always be like this? The looks, the heated gazes we shoot at eachother kill me. Nothing has actually happened, but everytime we see eachother the fire has gotten bigger. We're friends. Bullshit. Friends don't talk like we do. They don't. They don't look at eachother like we do.

I remember that day he came the closest to saying he cared about me, even though things weren't completely over with his brother. I cried and cried my eyes out that day because no matter how I've fought it, how I've attempted to deny it, I love him...

I don't think...

I've cried as much as I have today in forever. I realize that this isn't goodbye forever, but it's goodbye to everything being the same. I realize once I leave nothing will ever be the same again. Things have already changed dramatically and I haven't left yet. Today I did so much packing and had to put away things I just can't take with me. It's hard to leave this place behind, this place that has become the soap opera that I'm one of the stars of.

I was with my mom tonight and I cried and cried and cried. Then my sponsor along with Mr. Wrong, Allen, Amos, Jasmine, Robert, and Alyssa were there. And when I saw all of them I cried even harder. I thought that I would never stop.

I wish my mother could have met the twins under different circumstances. I was surprised that she simply adored the both of them. They both gave her hugs and kisses on both cheeks. But, I think the reason why my mom liked them so much is how they handled me. They both gathered me in their arms and told me that it would all be okay, and they would see me when I got off my one month restriction at the place.

Tommorow will be even worse, I know it. I already know that I will be in complete tears the entire way there. There's no doubt in my mind about all of that. It's just hard saying goodbye to the place you swear you want to blow up, but will miss more than words. It's hard saying a temporary goodbye to the people half of the time you swear you hate, but know that deep down you'd be simply lost without them. The hardest thing, is to leave all you know to try something different. That's the hardest part, I'd say.

As a side note, that was the first time that Robert has ever seen me cry. I don't think he quite knew what to make of it all at first. I'll write one last entry tommorow. And then I won't be blogging for quite some time, and when I do, it will be here and there...

It's the going away for awhile...

that all but kills me. I know it's not that far. I'm acting as if I am going to some lock down rehabilitation center in fucking Utah. Now that would be enough for me to do so many drugs that I would overdose and fucking kill myself. I feel sorry for anyone who has been to Utah. What the hell am I talking about? That's where my future children will go if they decide they want to try to put me through the hell I put my mother through... No costly 60 day rehabs that don't do shit for them.

I am going to some sober living about a half an hour away. It's so structured that it might as well be a lock down facility. Half an hour might as well be the end of the world when your mother has taken your car away from you permanently. Who am I kidding? If I were my mother I'd take away the car and send me away too...

So, I will be without a computer after this weekend. It sucks. Robert promised that he would come and see me when I am off my first month restriction. I love that guy. I truly do. Things are about to change so dramatically and to be quite honest I am scared to death of that change. I truly am. I'm not gonna put on this brave face and say that I'm not. I'm terrified. But, I think that's okay...

Mr. Wrong and Alyssa are officially together now. You would think that that would have me in tears or what not, but to be perfectly honest it doesn't bother me. It's awkward being around them and watching them kiss. It's hard watching him hug her the way he did with me a couple of weeks ago. It's sometimes impossible not to wonder why he chose her over me. Sometimes I wonder why he didn't do anything with me when he had the chance. Tonight things weren't so strained between us.

I could look at him and feel this sense of greatfulness towards him. He walked away from me, but he left my dignity intact. How many women can say that about Mr. Wrong? A woman never leaves him with her disgnity intact. But, I did. And for that I am truly greatful to him. I no longer hate Alyssa. Alea and her have been there for me on a daily basis since I relapsed.

I feel somewhat sorry for Alyssa. How does she look like towards other people? One minute she's with one of the greatest guys I know and the next she's with Mr. Wrong. He has nothing. He doesn't have a job or a car. He has nothing to truly offer her. She's already telling him she loves him and everything. He says it back, but I can see he doesn't truly mean it. When does he ever? Him and I hugged tonight and I was no longer angry with him.

I love Alyssa, and all I could think was better her than me. I was spared all that. I get to work on myself and get someone who is worth so much more than Mr. Wrong. Thank God, is all I can say. Either things will work out with those two or they will end so fucking badly. Either way it is none of my fucking business. Thanks God, again. I wash my hands clean of that situation. I want no part in their downfall or that drama...

Speaking of Drama. Joey showed up tonight with his lady. And there was one moment where Joey had to walk by Mr. Wrong and Alyssa to talk to Jason. Kathryn and I waited for something to happen. Joey acted as if he couldn't even see Mr. Wrong. God damn. Kathryn and I were waiting for someone to throw a punch. Nothing happened. That is not a fight I would look forward to breaking up. Everyone would see where my loyalty lies. Joey. Hands down. No questions whatsoever.

I will miss all of you terribly. I really will. This blog has become like my child. Sometimes it feels as if when nothing is going right, or at least the way I want it to, I have this. I created this blog. I've nutured it. Yeah, you'll find I'm nothing more than a huge sap, or in Robert's words, too sentimental. I'll be blogging some more before I leave at the end of this weekend.

I royally screwed up (my longest entry)

I did alot of drugs and alcohol from Last Sunday to this Sunday. On Tuesday one of my ex sponsor’s best friend dragged me to a meeting. I thought I was done. Kathryn and Jasmine had picked me up and dragged me to a meeting Wednesday and sat there with me as I admitted to the group that I had messed up really badly.

Last Thursday I saw Mr. Wrong, but he didn't see me. For once my first thought wasn’t about how handsome he was or how he turned me on. My first thought was how I couldn’t believe how much he had hurt me and how I had put myself in a position to let it all happen.

You know what hurts the most? He said he had all of those feelings for me and that he meant them at least at the time. It hurts because he’s now all but with Alyssa. He may just be dating her to get what he wants from her, but it kills me from the inside out. It looks like I never could have won to begin with. I began crying as I walked away, making sure he couldn't see me.

Jessica had called me three times. I didn’t want to talk to her, especially since I was loaded. But, she kept calling and texting me off the hook. She was worried about me. I finally called her back on Friday.

“I love you, honey…”

“I don’t love myself right now,” I said as I felt a few tears run down my cheeks.

“Let’s get you to a meeting tonight, okay sweetie?” she gently asked me.

“I can’t go to a meeting like this…”

“Yes you can… They all know you got loaded, anyway. Shit like that doesn’t remain a secret. Right now this is about helping you save your life.” she said even more gently.

“Alright, come get me,” I said as I looked for something to wear.

We got to the meeting and Jessica helped me out of the car. I turned on the lights for the meeting and then went outside to smoke. I really needed a cigarette to get through this night. Jessica put an arm around me and stroked my back. I saw the love, sympathy, as well as fear in her eyes…

As if things could get worse Alyssa and Mr. Wrong came. From the corner of my eye I couldn’t tell if they had been holding hands or not. Mr. Wrong approached me and even though he tried to hide it I could tell he was relieved to see me at a meeting. Something happened that made me stop hating Alyssa forever.

She saw me and I saw how sad she looked. We stepped off to the side, away from everyone else. She pulled me into a tight hug, but I could barely hang on because I was really weak.

“Hey, mama, what’s cracking,” asked Robert as he approached me later that night. I watched a look of concern come across his face.

“Are you still sick,” he asked as he felt my forehead.

“No, Robert. I got loaded,” I said waiting for him to hate me, knowing I couldn’t stand it if he ever did.

“It happens, you know,” he said shrugging his shoulders.

When I went back inside I was not feeling well. Jessica came and brought me some water. I drank it down quickly. I went to the bathroom and sank to my knees. And then I began heaving into the toilet. I had forgotten to shut the stall. I looked up and there stood Jane looking as if she was going to cry. Before I left Jason gave me a huge hug.

It’s funny how I was so worried about Joey, Alyssa, and Robert getting loaded. But, out of all those people I was the only one who got loaded. I mean I hated Alyssa because I was prettier and she always got what I wanted. If I’m to be honest she has a better personality then me. She’s a lot nicer. I’m a little rough around the edges.

The next day I saw Joey at a meeting and he approached me, all concerned.

“This is so embarrassing,” I stated refusing to look anywhere but at him.

“You can do it again, just do whatever your sponsor says,” said Joey reaching his hand out to me. I took it and he helped me stand up, since the meeting was having a break.

I laid back on the sand and listened to him share once the meeting resumed. When he talked about his new girlfriend I had to sit up to make sure I wasn’t dreaming. I’m not just letting go of Mr. Wrong. I’m also letting Joey go. I have never been so proud of Joey then I was in that moment. I realized at that point, also, I feel honored to say he’s been in my life. I gave him a hug goodbye and a kiss on the cheek.

“My life has been dramatic since I met you...” I had to cut him off before he could say anything else.

“Thank you Joey, for everything you’ve done for me. You were one of my first friends when I got clean. Before you came into my life there had never been a guy who would never let me down,” I stated as I started bawling all over again.

“You’re not done getting loaded, are you,” he asked sadly.

I shook my head. I wanted to stay around Joey for a little bit longer, but I walked away. And I didn’t look back. I began crying once more hysterically. I had to mourn the loss of the man I was once madly in love with. I’ve denied it forever.

And as I cried over Joey I realized I was completely over Mr. Wrong because he would never measure up to Joey in one hundred years. He is incapable of being the man Joey is. And then I wiped my tears and wanted to get drunk.

I called my friend Jewel. We got wasted when one of her boy toys. Then we ditched him and went to the ghetto part of L.A to go get drugs. The night/morning ened with me fucked up on meth and doing lines of cocaine in her car. When I came down I called my mother crying and she came and got me. Then I called my sponsor crying hysterically. My, god, I’m ashamed… One day at a time, I suppose...

I never thought I'd have to say this...

But, I'm on the edge of a nervous breakdown. I don't want to sound so weak but that's just where I'm at. Everything is getting to me in every way possible. I wish with all of my heart I could call Joey and beg him to save me from myself, but at this point he is nowhere to be found.

He changed all of his numbers so that no one can reach him. I heard he shaved off all of his hair. I haven't seen him in over a week. Obviously he's not doing so well I'm so worried about him.

Alyssa can fuck Mr. Wrong. I'll get over that. Besides, at this point, she can have him. But, if Joey does drugs again because of her a side of me most people don't know will come out. I will go after her with avengence and no one will be able to stop me. No one wants to be on my bad side when that happens.

Most of the time I am the true deffinition of a lady. I dress nicely, I have perfect posture, and have impecable manners. But, when you screw with one of the pieces of my heart all my mannerisms fade away and I'm coming after you. Joey and I have a rocky relationship half the time but he's one of the pieces of my heart.

Yesterday was just one of those days that changes everything and you don't know who you are anymore. You don't know what you think or what's truly going on. All you want to do at the end of the day is run away from everything you know...

Robert called me and asked if I wanted to come by the shop he works at and hang out for awhile. I knew Mr. Wrong wouldn't be there, so I didn't see the harm in the situation. I went there and he greeted me by picking me up and giving me the hugest hug. I smiled against him and knew the feelings weren't gone at all.

We went and got some sandwiches. We were sitting in his car yelling at eachother back and forth as usual about how many rights women should have. Then he gave me a lazy smile before looking serious...

"My way of thinking may be fucked up, but at least I always take care of you. I'm making sure your getting fed..."

I couldn't say much because it was true. I just nodded my head as we pulled back into the shop's parking lot. Then I looked inside and there was Mr. Wrong. I shook my head. He walks over to the car and asks us if we have cigarettes. We both shake our heads no. I asked him what was going on and he said nothing. Then he walked away from me. Later we were all smoking and he gave me this small hug and all but ignored me.

I could do this as long as Robert didn't leave my side. Then the worst happened. Alea called and wanted him to go get food with him. I sighed. Unlike Mr. Wrong Robert always knows when something is wrong with me.

"Don't worry. I'm not cheating on you."

"We're not together..."

"You're learning fast, princess..."

I rolled my eyes and went to get cigarettes. When I came back Mr. Wrong was gone and Robert had come back. Things were different for some reason. We were outside and I was so tired. My car was in the shop. So I asked if he could take me home. He wasn't supposed to leave the shop, but I gave him one of my looks and he caved in...

"Do you trust me," he asked as we were near my house.

"I trust you to get me home in one piece... But, do I trust you? Absolutely not. Do you trust me?"

"No," he answered with a smile.

I knew in that moment that was the most he had ever let his guard down. I also knew as of then, he wasn't so scared of me as he used to. We pulled up to my house.

"Will you smoke one last cigarette with me?" I asked.

He smiled that smile once more and nodded his head as he took out a cigarette. That smile never left his face. I felt my heart stop all over again. We were not done, and I knew it was only gonna get worse from here.

"So you don't trust me?"

"Robert, I don't trust anyone..."

"You're smart," he replied still giving me that heart stopping smile.

"No man, no cry," I sufficed.

"Yes..."

"I've made a few deductions about you," I informed.

"Let's hear it..."

I told him my theory about him about not wanting to be vulnerable. I then told him that I knew I'm special to him and that he's afraid to get burned by people because they leave. He told me I'm more special to him then I could ever know. Then he told me that he's not afraid of getting burned by people, but he is afraid of them leaving. I gave him a huge hug before I left.

"Bye, beautiful..."

When I got in the house I fell apart and began crying my eyes out. I wasn't sure that I would ever be able to stop. Even if Mr. Wrong did want to be with me I just couldn't do it. I care about Robert so much that sometimes it hurts me from the inside out. Mr. Wrong has probably gotten over me, but I still have feelings for him. But, Robert... I'm more sexually attracted to Mr. Wrong then Robert. But, I've formed this emotional attachment to Robert that won't go away no matter what I say or do.

He's decided not to get attached to me, but it's there. I see it in his eyes. He'll do anything for me. I think he's slowly falling in love with me. And when push comes to shove I'd do anything in this world for him except give up this deadly addiction I have towards his brother... God, help me... I'm in love with them both...

I've made a decision...

And I'm sticking to it. I've decided to take my sponsor's direction and go on a 60 day man restriction. Jasmine's sister talked to Mr. Wrong on Monday. He told her that he wasn't lieing if he told any girl he liked her. He just didn't want to hurt her, because all he wanted was to get laid. Him and I talked last night. He said he meant everything he said to me on Friday, but that he's not in any place to be in a relationship. He has nothing to offer anyone at this point. We both agreed on all of this.

I ofcourse had to hurt myself a step further and ask how he felt about Alyssa. He said he didn't know, but that he wasn't fucking her yet. I think he wants to, though. I found out she left Joey for him, so she could fuck around with him. What a whore. He said it bothers him that she flirts with alot of guys. I asked him if he'd ever want to be with her when he was ready to be in a relationship. He once again didn't know. Then I asked him if one day he'd want to be with me. Mr. Wrong told me he didn't know. It felt like a knife going through my heart because I realize the extent of how powerless I am over this situation.

I am just worried that Alyssa will wedge her way into this no matter what I say or do at this point. But, I realize he probably will fuck her and I am powerless over that too. I doubt he'll have a meaningful relationship with her. And if he does it won't last as long as it did with Joey. I jut have to let go right now and realize if it's meant to be it will happen and if it isn't it won't... It sucks like that... But, that's life on life's terms for you...

The up and downs...

I don't think that he knows that I know yet and still Mr. Wrong won't call me. Why do I care if he calls me or not? Why would I even want him to? Normal girls would never want to hear from him ever again. I think there's a part of me that needs to hear him say it because he hasn't. I need to hear him tell me how much of an asshole he really is, how he really did this to me, and how he's able to live with himself. I've heard all these other people say it, but not him.

Another part of me wants to hear that he really cares, and that she doesn't mean anything to him. If she didn't mean anything to him and I still meant so much to him one day after awhile I could forgive him and things could be okay, but they're not. Right now they are as far from okay as fucking possible.

I've come up with two reasons why he never called me back. He was with Alyssa that night and just didn't want to talk to me. He wants nothing to do with me and is letting me go. The other reason is he feels guilty, knows that I know, or at least knew that I was going to find out one way or the other. At this point I don't know if he is just a liar or a coward...

I have more repect for his brother, Robert, at this point. It's obvious he has a thing for me of sorts, if that's what you want to call it. But, he made it obvious that he didn't want to be with me and that he didn't want to get attached. His exact words were any woman between the ages of 18-40 was fair game. At least he put all the cards on the table.

What will I do if I see him tommorow? What will I say? What the fuck am I going to do if he shows up with Alyssa? I hate that bitch more than fucking anyone at this point in time. What if he ignores me or lets me ignore him? Oh, hell, what if he tries to talk to me? I don't know anything at this point in time...

Bring on the pain...

There's nothing left to do or say at this point. I called Jessica last night. She confirmed everything Jasmine had told me. I got off the phone with her and broke down in tears no matter how much I told myself that I wasn't going to. Lila had to come and get me I was so hysterical. Somebody make this go away. There's something going on between Mr. Wrong and Alyssa. She's not with Joey anymore. My heart feels like it is shattered. I don't mean anything to him. He didn't mean any of those things he said to me. I feel so stupid for crying. But, I can't help it. I have to hold tight and know that one day all of this will make sense, even though I don't understand any of it at this point... At this point I am just crushed and completely devestated... It's going to take awhile for me to get over this one, if I ever do...

I'm so twisted up...

from the inside out. I don't know what to do, who to believe, or what the fuck is going on anymore. I really don't. I want to believe that Mr. Wrong meant all of those wonderful things that he said to me on Friday, but right now I just don't know. I thought things were going to be better between us, that things were about to change dramatically. Well, they're deffinitely about to change dramatically either way is all I can say at this point...

First off Mr. Wrong didn't call me all day yesterday. I was fine with that. Whatever. Now that I knew how he felt I didn't need to hear from him. I had the assurance that he cared about me. I got all dressed up tonight, thinking I would see him. He wasn't there. I texted him. He responded asking me what was up? Then I called him. His phone was off. I tried one more time. I got his voicemail. By the way, he still hasn't called me back... Then when the meeting had a break Jasmine came and talked to me...

"You need to stay away from the twins. He is just like Robert..."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"Alyssa and Mr. Wrong were all over eachother last night, hugging and kissing..."

"What the fuck?"

"Well, they weren't kissing, but you know what I mean..."

"I don't want to hear any more of this..."

"You can't be upset. He's not your man..."

I walked away feeling completely crushed. That's still how I feel. I feel as if I don't know anything anymore. Why would he do this? At least try and get me into bed again first. What the fuck? Alyssa is with Joey... I thought he gave a shit for real about me... And the fact that he hasn't called me back completely crushes my soul. I don't know if he's going to call me back, and if he does what am I going to say? When I see him what will I do or say? God, I need help...

I wanted this...

But, I never thought that it would happen. I didn’t think that it would happen after Thursday and if it happened, not the way it has. Life feels so surreal right now, like a dream of sorts. I feel like a young teenager who has a crush for the first time all over again…

On Friday Mr. Wrong and I went on a walk. I wanted to talk to him about how upset I was over a family member who has passed away. We ended up talking about our Sobriety and just how far we’ve come from where we were once upon a time. He was talking about his relationships with the opposite sex.

How I didn’t know where the conversation was going is beyond me. He told me about how he had talked to Kathryn. My heart stopped beating for a moment. I was so embarrassed. I turned away from him for a moment. This was the last thing I really wanted to discuss.

“I know,” I replied.

“And I’m thinking that you and she had the exact same conversation…”

“I don’t want to discuss it,” I said facing him.

“Why not?”

“I don’t want things to be awkward between us…”

“Why would things be awkward between us?”

“I don’t know…”

“We’re both adults. We should be able to talk about it. How old are you?”

“Nineteen…”

“Besides it could make things better between us…”

He pulled me into a hug. I held on to him tightly as I wrestled inside myself. I sighed deeply as I gently pulled away from him.

“Are my feelings one sided?”

He looked at me in a way that he never has before. It sort of scared me. He looked somewhat emotional and not as cautious as he usually is. I couldn’t believe that any of this was happening…

“No… I’m going to let my guard down a little bit here…”

I just stared at him, waiting for him to continue. Now this really wasn’t happening. I couldn’t stop the small smile that made its way onto my face. He had fucking feelings for me.

“I got burned in a past relationship. All the rumors you have heard about me are true. But, I’m not like that anymore. I’m not going to hurt you.”

“Good. I don’t want to be hurt by you. Kathryn would kick your ass if you kicked my ass…”

“Yeah she would…” he laughed.

“You can trust me. I’m not going to hurt you,” I promised.

“She’s like our councilor…”

I looked at him as if he had slightly lost his mind. He grinned at me as he pulled me into another hug. This was our longest hug thus far. When he pulled away he had this unreadable expression on his face. I thought he was going to kiss me but he didn’t.

“You take my breath away,” was all he said.

I can’t get that out of my head. I take his fucking breath away from him. I don’t know what’s going to happen. I realize that neither one of us is ready to be together, so we’ll have to see what happens. I wanted him to feel the same way. I wanted him to care. But, I wasn’t sure that he could or that I would ever be enough to make it happen… I don’t know if we’ll ever be in a relationship, we’ll see what happens… All I know is I get the chills when I am around him…

I think Jessica was right...

All I am doing is setting myself up for a fall that I am not ready or even willing to take. It's hard to know when you should let go or try harder. Well, I think I'm at the point where I know that I need to let go. But, at the same time I want to try harder because he's what I want for now...

So, I was talking with Kathryn at the meeting when Mr. Wrong approached us. He gave her a hug since he hadn't seen her in forever. Then Alea pulled up with Jane and Alyssa. He gives Alyssa the type of hug that he gave me the other day. I was simply spewing. He wouldn't hug me like that but he would with her? I thought he wasn't acting that way because his mother was around. Apparently that wasn't the case at all.

I realize why I can't stand Alyssa so much. It's not the fact that she irritates me to such a degree. Trust me. She does. It's the fact that every guy I ever like she gets her hooks into him. She deffinitely did it with Joey. Alyssa got him to be her boyfriend. And Jason did whatever she told him to. And now Mr. Wrong... It seems like he is falling for the same thing...

"If you're ever going to be hid girl you have to get used to him talking to other girls. He's a fine looking guy..."

"I know. And I wouldn't care if I was with him. It wouldn't bother me at all, but I'm not. And I don't think that I ever will be..."

She told me I have to mind fuck myself and make myself believe that I don't care, that it's not that he might not want me, but that I haven't decided if he's what I want, if he's good enough.

Later her and I were talking again. She told me she was going to discuss all of this with Mr. Wrong. I don't know why I went back inside and let her talk to him. She told him that I had feelings for him and that if he broke my heart that she would beat him up. He told her that he wouldn't. I don't know what that means now. Is he going to avoid me? What will happen?

"Be patient with him. He has high morals, high standards. I yelled at him about getting involved with Alyssa. I told him about how he and Joey did time together, and that he better not get with her. He'll leave her alone. Be his friend. He just got out of rehab. He needs a friend more than anything else..."

Now I just feel stuck. I don't know how to be his friend without asking him to hang out, or sounding just stupid. If I'm still gonna have anything to do with him I don't know how to stop the flirting. And if I can't do that my only choice is to get up and walk away from the situation. At that point if it's meant to be it'll happen. If it's not then it won't... Or maybe I'll just walk away to see if he'll try to stop me, and if he doesn't then fuck him...

I couldn't even talk to Robert that much tonight. It would have been too weird to flirt with Robert tonight. His baby's mama and his baby was there. Yeah, even I'm not that scandalous. I wouldn't put it past Alyssa, though. I fucking hate that bitch. I really do. I may deserve better than Joey, but Joey deserves better than Alyssa. I used to think him and Jessica should hook up...

He called me...

I was on the phone with Jessica earlier. I was so upset that he wasn't at the meeting. She was telling me to let him go, that I was inviting hell into my life that I was setting me up for a fall. I might be. But, incase you couldn't tell, that's not stopping any of this from happening...

She told me that he had gone to the other Wednesday meeting. That's the meeting almost everyone goes to except for Joey and I. Let's see. Jason goes with Jane. Alyssa goes with whoever will take her. Alea sometimes goes with Evan, who is her on and off again fuck buddy. I don't think I wrote about that one yet. My point is that all the girls I pretty much hate go to that meeting except for Jessica.

As she was telling me how good he looked and how well he seems to be doing I had all these images of Mr. Wrong being another guy these girls took from me. They took Joey and Jason... And the last thing I want is to lose Mr. Wrong to these rediculess girls...

After her and I hung up the phone I had all these images in my mind of them sucking him in and that my supposed hold on him would completely disappear. I could just imagine seeing him around them all the time and it would be as if I no longer existed. I imagined him being afraid to show such open affection towards me as he did Tuesday night. That thought made me so sad...

Anyway, I checked my voicemail and he had called me. The hugest smile made its way to my face. All thoughts of him forgetting about me disappeared as I heard him apologize for not showing up to the meeting. Then he said that he would call me back tomorrow...

I had to call him back, naturally. We had one of our normal conversations. By normal conversation I mean hidden sexual innuendos, arguing, insulting each other, which is always followed by us hysterically laughing. It sounds all so normal, right?

Nothing's changed between us. If anything when I see him tomorrow he'll be more affectionate than ever, at least it’s what I am hoping for. I am going to milk it for all its worth.

I just have to work on being a little bit nicer to Mr. Wrong. The physical attraction is definitely there. But, if I want him to like me more than that I have to work on a couple of things. I can’t wait until tomorrow…

Dissapointment...

I feel sorely dissapointed right now. I expected Mr. Wrong to be at my meeting tonight and he didn't show up. Neither did his brother. I expected to see the both there. I don't even know why I am this upset over it. I didn't see Mr. Wrong for five months. Why the hell am I tripping so terribly over a day. I'm just worried that maybe he hung out with Esther or some other girl I don't even want to think about...

Then I sat here with my thoughts and wondered if he got loaded. That's probably the last thing that happened. I don't know why he didn't show up, but I'm worried that maybe it was me. Maybe he didn't want to see me. How rediculess does that sound?

We were all over eachother last night. How the hell is that going to change in less than 24 hours? I doubt that it's going to. We were acting like a couple last night. I spent time in his arms and I loved it. I don't want to lose that feeling. But, what if there's nothing I can do to stop that from happening? What if I can't have him no matter what I do? The thought of that practically kills me inside...

Allen made a sexual inuendo tonight and all I wanted was for the twins to be there. It wouldn't have mattered to me which one at that point. He behaves around them. I barely wanted any other guy to hug me tonight? You think Mr. Wrong feels like that for a second? Absolutely not. I'll bet I'm just another girl to him, another willing body to hold...

It sucks knowing someone means something to you and there is a low chance that you come anywhere near meaning that to them. I just want to mean alot to him. I want to be his. And I doubt that will happen. I want it to more than anything. But, are things really over with Esther? I want them to be, but you can't always have what you want. I just want to see him, god damn it...

Welcome Home Mr. Wrong...

You got it. He is back for good. He just seems to keep popping up out of nowhere over and over again these days. I can't lie and say that I am not happy that he's back. I'm fucking ecstatic. Words can barely describe how I feel at this point. I am so confused...

Around 4 p.m I get a text from Jasmine saying that she is sitting next to Mr. Wrong and that he told me hello. All I could think was what in God's name was going on? She told me that he was visiting or something. I knew that meant he would be at the meeting later. I quickly came home from the beach and set about getting ready.

I looked fucking hot when he saw me. He gave me a huge hug and told me that he was here to stay. You might be able to imagine how shocked I was at all of this. Does anyone tell me anything anymore? I'm the Dramatic Bullshit Queen for God's sake. I used to know everything.

So, ten minutes later we were still hugging and it stayed that way until the meeting started. He would look at me here and there throughout the meeting. He got quite upset when Robert showed up late and sat next to me. At the break I was freezing and he pulled me into his arms to warm me up. People passed by and said that we were hugging for too long. Neither one of us stopped.

"You've only been home for one day..." admonished his aunt.

She had a small smile on her face as he all but ignored her and picked me up. I don't think she minded as much. But, his mother... Oh, fuck. What the hell will his mother say if this goes any further? I don't even want to think about it. She's gonna kill me. And killing me is the nicest way of putting it...

So we all went out to eat and he sat next to me. Before that we were in front of the restaurant holding eachother again. He had his arms wrapped tightly around me and I was as close to him as humanly possible. On the way home he had his arm around me. I felt safe. I think I will always chase after the feelings I get from being in his arms.

I'm seeing him on Friday. I can't wait. I've decided something. I will not have sex with him again unless he makes me his girlfriend. He doesn't get what he wants unless I get what I want. It's just that simple at this point.

A piece about addiction...

I want to go see Mr. Wrong so badly next Friday, but I've resolved to stay completely away from him until he comes home. I refuse to see him. It's just not a good idea. Besides, I am more than sure that Esther will play the dutiful ex- girlfriend and go visit him. If he wants to, he can call me when he gets home. Hmm, let me rephrase that. He had better call me when he gets home. But, it's not supposed to be this hard to stay away...

One here is the only time that I am ever completely honest. I think that I have co dependency issues as does Mr. Wrong. I want what I can't have, or at least shouldn't have. And if that's not enough I know that I am seeking validation from both Robert and Mr. Wrong because I don't know how to give it to myself.

I never had to deal with all these god damn feelings before. It still feels so new to me. Sometimes life seems as if it was easier when I was still getting loaded. My life, in all honesty, was about getting dope at all cost. There was no such thing as a consequence too high to pay.

I come from a family that doesn't have drug addicts as children. It just doesn't happen. I was a spoiled bitch who was used to always getting her way. I went to private schools my entire life for Christ's sake. Before I fucked everything up everyone said I was bound for the top UC schools.

I suppose that my point that I am making is that the disease of addiction doesn't give a fuck who the hell you are or where the fuck you come from. It just doesn't. Once it gets its claws inside of you it owns you for life. It doesn't matter if you are still using or not.

I heard someone at a speaker meeting once say that if you want to get loaded you better not leave the room without telling someone how you feel. And if you choose to use again you better pray to god you’re not an addict. Those words have stuck with me throughout this year of being clean...

I don't usually write all that much about my addiction on here. I started this blog because I was so angry with Joey for choosing Alyssa over me. I was so furious with him that I hardly knew what to do with myself. So, I started writing on this. And, somehow, slowly, this blog is sort of taking on a life of its own... You never know what may be written on here... You never do...

I'm still in a state of shock...

I cannot remember the last time I was this shocked. I think I would have been less shock if someone told me that for a living Alyssa was a stripper. What am I talking about? If anything that is to be expected.

Every single Sunday night I go to this one meeting with my sponsor. I was talking to Nelly on the phone before the meeting as I smoked a cigarette. And from the corner of my eye I thought I saw Robert in the dark talking with some of my other friends. He comes out of the shadows. And low and behold its Mr. mother fucking Wrong. I of course ended my phone call with Nelly. I had to make sure I was not seeing things.

As you might imagine my heart came to a complete stop. I just looked at him and he looked at me. He didn't come over but just kept on staring at me in the most unnerving way. He then smirked at me and walked on over.

"Hello..."

"What you aren't going to give me a hug," I asked.

He scooped me up in his arms and he hugged me. Then we began wrestling like we did in his treatment facility.

"I can get you back properly since I'm not at the facility right now..."

Then he pulled me into his arms and I was struggling my hardest against him. I ended up propelling him against my friend's car. There we were in that moment. He was up against the car and I was against him, almost as close as humanly possible. My friend made a comment and I was forced to put away.

"You better watch it. I'm going to kick your ass..."

"You keep saying that," he insisted.

"I will. Oh, wait you might like that."

I smiled as I noticed recognition light up in his eyes. He remembered that conversation we had had. I had to get out of there for a minute. I seriously felt as if I was suffocating at that point in time. I called Nelly as I walked away far enough so that he could not here me.

"He's here..."

"Who's here?"

I quickly explained to Nelly what was going on. I told her I may have to come see her sooner than I thought I would have. I also told her about the fact that he would be home in fifteen days. Fifteen mother fucking days! What happened to May? I liked the sound of May... I really did.

"I love you too," mimicked Mr. Wrong from a couple feet away.

"Oh, god I hope you don't," I chastised.

He followed me as I walked into the meeting. He even sat across from my sponsor and I. All throughout the meeting he would give me these looks where I swore I couldn't breathe. They were worse than the ones that Robert would give me. They are too much to handle.

Anyway, during the meeting Mr. Wrong shared. And then Robert shared. Then something happened that I never thought would. Mr. Wrong broke down in tears. He had his hands over his eyes so that no one could see him. As Robert shared I could tell he was on the verge of tears. He told Mr. Wrong that he loved him and that he was proud of him. It almost brought me to tears. I was happy when the smoke break came.

I went to talk to two girls that I had never seen at the meeting. I figured that if I can't completely obey my 60 day man restriction I could at least show my sponsor that I was reaching out to women, and wanted them in my life.

"Hi, I'm Esther. It's so good to see him do well. I'm his ex girlfriend. I've visited him a couple of times at his treatment facility..."

As Esther told me all of this my heart literally stopped beating once more. I closely inspected her as I made sure I had a warm and welcoming expression on my face. This was an ex girlfriend of his? Which one? There had been so many in his past.

Then I noticed she was somewhat heavy weight. I looked at her car and that she clearly had money by the way she was dressed. It all finally made some sort of sense to me. This was the girl he had lived with. This was who I was running against. It shouldn't be that difficult. I am a great deal more beautiful than she is. But, if anything I've learned from Alyssa and Jane that looks are not always everything. Sometimes feelings go past that.

After the meeting she took my number. Then she gave Mr. Wrong two huge hugs before leaving. She told him to call her when he got out. He said that he would. As she left I did the same thing. He smiled because he knew what I was doing. I told him I am looking forward to hanging out with him. He actually called me baby. Then I gave him one final long hug and a kiss on the cheek. He got in the car and waved at me. I winked. I've made up my mind...

I haven't made a true play for someone in three years. When I pull out all the stops I get the man every time. I am going to make the biggest play for Mr. Wrong. If Esther wants to compete go ahead. I've decided he's going to be mine. She's going to actually find out what happens when you cross me and I deal with you.

I've made it clear to Mr. Wrong I am interested. I am well aware that he is also interested. I'm going to fight this time for what I want. Winner takes all. This could be the biggest game of all in the end. What's the ending goal? A player's heart. I already know what I am going to tell Mr. Wrong.

"I like you and I know you like me. I can see it in your eyes every time you look at me. You want me. Whatever is going on with Esther has to end. If you need to figure things out with her, if you want to start things up with her you need to do that. Just leave me out of it. Either you get me or you get her. And if you choose me I want you for myself. I'm not going to share you with anyone. If you can't do that, then you can't. We can still be friends. I think we're good as friends as well. But, if you want me that's how it has to be. I'll accept nothing less, because I know what I deserve..."

Those are my conditions. He gets me or he just doesn't. It's entirely up to him. I feel good. For once I am not going to place expectations on a person because they'll know up front where I stand. No preconceptions or miscommunications.

I'm not even expecting that he will choose me. I am hoping he will. This time I am not going to accept less than I want from a guy. I did that with Joey, Bob, Mr. X, Mr. Unmentionable, and believe me the list could go on or not.

I'm letting go...

I've come to a place in my life where I realize I can't have either Mr. Wrong or Robert. So, as of this moment I am going to leave the both of them alone. Neither one of them are in a place as of now to give me what I want or deserve. And if they can't give me either of those two things what is the point? I realize flirting with the both of them is playing with fire to the greatest degree. All I am going to do in the end is get hurt. I don't want to get hurt, you know? I don't want what happened with Mr. Unmentionable to happen. All of that occured about a year ago...

I put so much emotional energy into him. I really thought that he was what I wanted. I was willing to put it all on the line for him. I never once stopped to think about him. Was he going to do the same? Would he care about me in the same capacity that I was going to care about me in the same fashion? Did he want what I wanted, or was I going to have to be forced to settle for what he wanted, instead of what I deserved, because he was unwilling to give me those things? To tell you the truth I never once thought about any of those things.

I suppose it's the here and now that counts. I'm thinking about those things now. I'm thinking about what will happen in the future. I am going to take my sponsor's suggestion and go on a 60 day man restriction. Holy shit. Can I actually do it? Well, we're all about to find out. Stay tuned. Shit's about to go down around here

The Silent Period...

I haven't heard from Mr.Wrong since I saw him. I want to talk to him so badly, god damn it. It's almost to the point where it is painful. He has this way of always making me smile. I didn't realize how much I missed the way he used to make me smile. I haven't seen him in five days. And it feels as if its been a lifetime. I want to see him more than words can stay. Rashelle had to help me do be positive afirmations today where Mr. Wrong is concerned.

Rashelle helped me realized that Mr. Wrong will never be able to do better than me. I am beautiful and he knows it. She told me that I have to go into this as if I am going to get exactly what I want from him, and act as if he's crazy to not want me on that level. Besides, Mr. Wrong is the only one who can stop this thing that is beginning to happen with Robert. I think it's beginning to go further than I ever intended it to go.

I wanted a flirtatous relationship with Robert from the beginning. He reminded me of his brother. I also wanted to use him to make Mr. Wrong jealous, if possible. I never meant to have real feelings for him. I never meant for him to be someone in my life that I would miss beyond words if they were no longer around.

I realize Joey and I have come to a place where we can completely become true friends again. I no longer resent him at all anymore. That makes me so happy. We were wrestling tonight when Robert pulled up. Robert gave me a small hug and then went to go with Jasmine's sister to go pick her up. I felt so sad that he barely acknowledged me. If I'm to be honest, I felt this sense of devestation over take me.

When he came back some new guy tried to hug me and I was not having it. If I don't feel safe around you, if you are not in my circle per ce I don't give you a real hug. That's just how it is. Robert was looking at me strangely, surprised that I was barely hugging him. So, then, I walked over to Robert and gave him a strong hug. He had a huge smile on his face. I felt as if the balance had been restored once more.

I walked with Robert to his car. I wanted to give Allen a hug. He may be a loser, but sadly he is in my circle. Plus, he got himself a girlfriend. What an accomplishment, I must say! Who is this girl? I'm putting my money on the fact that she was recently released from the mental hospital or prison.

"Bye, Robert..."

He gave me a longer hug. I began walking him back, attempting to trip him and he wouldn't let me. I lightly growled. He then started laughing as I tried harder. I was so frusterated. This was almost worse than my sparring match with Joey earlier. He then picked me up and I squealed.

"Stop that, Robert..."

"You love it."

"Says who?"

"I do."

Then we shared one of our smiles. He then shook his head. That's what he always does when he feels as if he's letting down his guard around me. But, it's less and less these days, I've noticed. That makes me happy.

"You better leave before I kidnap you..."

"Oh, really, Robert?"

"Then again you might like that..."

I had a flashback of a conversation I had had with Mr. Wrong once last summer. We had been talking about hurting eachother, and how painful sex was always the very best. I told him that I was going to beat him up. He grinned at me. And then I told him that he might like it. He smiled at me and told me that he would. Oh, god help me. I'm head over heels for the both of them. Why can't they be the same person?

Fearful Desire...

That’s how I describe the look in Robert’s eye every time he gives me more than a simple glance. It was how he looked at me while we were closely dancing on Saturday. And it was how he looked at me last night. Usually when someone stares at me I’ll stare right back. Looking away is a sign of submission, or some form of fear. But, when Robert looks at me that way I have no choice but to look down or at least anywhere but him. It’s unnerving…

Saturday I had to glance away because I felt that if I kept looking back at him I would see something that I didn’t want to see, feel more things that I am far from ready to feel. It was an uncomfortable moment. But, then he had to ruin it by smacking my ass and accusing me of being too sentimental. He ruins every moment, because I think he’s afraid to let them exist, to go further.

I wrote in my last entry that I would let him go. Every time I am completely ready to go along with him, then he’ll do something like give me a huge hug or stand so close to me that I can feel his body heat radiating off of him. Sometimes I know what I would say to him…

“What the hell do you want from me? I think I scare the fucking shit out of you. You have this thing about not being vulnerable, about not caring about women. You’re scared to feel again, to be in love. You’re not in love with me, but you have feelings for me, ones that you don’t want to have. I look at you and can get you to do so many things. I think you’re scared that you’re gonna fall in love with me… You’re scared because I make you so vulnerable that you can’t help yourself. No, fuck it. You’re scared because you are falling in love with me. The more you’re around me the more you want me.”

Yes, that’s exactly what I would want to say to him, except I don’t want to know what he would say to all of it. He would close down on me, and all of the progress I’ve made with him wouldn’t mean a damn thing. And, even if he didn’t completely shut me down, I could start something that just cannot be. His brother and I cannot be. Robert and I most definitely can NEVER be. I just need to leave both of them alone. But, I can’t. For some reason I just can’t, no matter what anyone says. I’m going to tell everyone else that I will, but only you will know, that I refuse to leave them alone…

Mr. Wrong hasn’t called me. I wonder if he’s ever going to. I think I am going to see him in a couple of weeks. I’m not going to walk over to him in any capacity. If he wants me he’s going to have to come and get me. I just want him to fucking call me, god damn it. I went five months without any contact… I can last two more weeks…

I saw Robert tonight and he put his arms around me and gave me one of his tight hugs. When I claimed that he was suffocating me he eased up but was still hugging me. He gave me that look again. But, it seems, that he stays around each time just a little bit longer before shutting down on me.

My sponsor saw all of this transpiring. She watched as he stepped right up to me and gave me a smirk, just daring me to look away. This time I didn’t. I don’t even know how to explain it. She walked over to us.

“You need to leave my sponsee alone…”

“I could do that.”

“You can and you will...”

“How do I know that she’ll leave me alone,” questioned Robert.

“She will…”

“That brings us to our next problem. I could leave her alone, and she may go with it. But, I can’t guarantee that my brother will leave her alone,” finished off Robert with a grin.

Then he left all of us for the evening. I watched him go. He turned around one last time with that look of fearful desire. It’s a tortured look that I think will on some level always haunt me.

I have to look...

at the fact that I care about them both very much, too much for my own good. I wish I could just say that I had a small thing for Robert and that I was head over heels for Mr. Wrong. But, that's just not true. I care about Robert on so many levels that I can hardly distinguish between any of them anymore. The truth of the matter is I don't want to choose between either one of them. If I could find a way to have both of them, I would probably do it...

I'm the sort of girl who could probably eventually have Mr. Wrong because I demand his respect. And I can tell that I'm the one girl that causes Robert to be vulnerable. I look at him a certain way and I can get him to do so many things that other people can't...

I know I'll run into Robert tonight. I don't know what to say to him, how to act around him. Maybe, I'll just walk in the other direction. Sometimes the best thing that you can do is just walk away from someone...

I know that I should just let go...

But, I don’t want to. I’ve talked to so many people today about Mr. Wrong and Robert. People have all told me all kinds of different things. It seems as if all I can do today is talk about them, blog about them, oh and when I smoke I’m even thinking about them. What the hell is wrong with me?

I shouldn’t torture myself to this extent with thoughts of them. Why do I do this to myself? I could do so much better than either one of them. I really could. I could have done better than Joey too. Did I ever tell you that Joey and Mr. Wrong were in jail together at one point in time? I probably did, but even if I didn’t I wanted to write it again. Most of the men in my life have one thing in common. They are all losers that I care about way too much for my own good.

What it comes down to is he has two months clean. He doesn’t know what he wants. Robert has how many more days? Maybe 15? I don’t know. All I know is neither one of them are going to want a relationship with anyone right now. I’m sure I could get laid out of this, but if I’m to stop lying to myself, I want so much more than sex…

Sex is the easiest thing in the world to get, it really is. But, then again, being rather attractive has never let me down on that level. I’m going to get somewhat personal here, but it’s hard for me to have an orgasm. The guy really has to know what the fuck he is doing. It’s so sad that most men these days just don’t…

I finally got honest with my sponsor and told her that I saw Mr. Wrong. She was less than thrilled to put it nicely. Well, okay, I didn’t tell her I saw Mr. Wrong. I told her I was interested in someone in rehab and that he had about two months clean? I’m apparently on man restriction. I don’t know how to do that. I’ve never done it before.

It probably would be the best idea to stay away from Mr. Wrong and Robert for two months. In fact it sounds like the best one I have heard in forever. I’m just afraid that if I don’t see him then he’ll choose someone else. And just the thought of that happening almost kills me…

All I need...

These lyrics by Within Temptation remind me of Mr. Wrong so, so, so, much...

I'm dying to catch my breath
oh why don't i ever learn
I've lost all my trust that i'm sure we try to
Turn it around

Can you still see the heart of me
all my agony fades away
when you hold me in your embrace

Don't turn me down
for all i need
make my heart a better place
give me something I can believe
Don't turn me down
you're far from the door now
don't let it close

He only had to go
I wish I could let it go
I know that I'm only one step away
From turning around

Can you still see the heart of me
all my agony fades away
when you hold me in your embrace

Don't turn me down
for all i need
make my heart a better place
give me something I can believe
Don't turn it down
what's left of me
make my heart a better place

i've tried many times but nothing was real
make it fade away
don't break me down
I want to believe that this is for real
save me from my fear
don't turn me down

don't turn me down
for all i need
make my heart a better place

don't tear me down
for all i need
make my heart a better place
give me something i can believe
don't tear it down
what's left of me
make my heart a better place