I just want to die...

It's hard loving someone and just knowing it's over, not because you want it to be but because it has to be. I love this person more than anything and I can't be with them anymore because it's destroying my life. I was a different person before I met Domonic. I had loved before, but never to the point where I all but became that person. It's the kind of love that destroys you because there's nothing you wouldn't do for that person. It hurts so bad when you know someone's been lying to you for a long time. It's hard when you know all of this and you let it go on because you love the person, because you want to be with them no matter what...

I love you Domonic, but I can't do this anymore. I can't. I can't accept the lies anymore. I can't accept the bullshit and half of you. Can't you see that you're killing me and that I deserve so much better?

I know that he's getting high. There might be other women involved. I do know that he hasn't bothered to call or text me in four days. I know that he lied to me. I know lately he doesn't call me the way he used to or treat me the way he used to. It's hard going from being someone's princess to trash to them. I feel abandoned by him. You want to know the worst part? We're having a child together.

I think he's lost to me forever, but I don't know what to do if he ever tries to come back... It's so hard not to believe a lie because you want it to be the truth so badly... It's hard not to believe that somehow this time will be different because you want it to be. This is so fucking hard.

Here's what I want to do. It's just going to be hard to stick to it because it's really hard. No matter what Dom says or does things have to be over between us because I deserve so much better. I need to give my daughter up for adoption when she's born because she deserves a family that has their shit together, want to be parents, and are emotionally stable. I need to really get back into 12 step meetings. My mom would help me rebuild a normal life if I gave up my daughter for adoption.

That's what the plan should be. That's what it needs to be. It's just so hard when you love someone. Your head and your heart are two different things. It's like all of this sounds great until I talk to Dom. And somehow I convince myself that it's us against the world and that the world is lieing to me. I convince myself that he loves me and that we can get through anything, that it's all going to change because he said so. But, that's a lie. He's not going to change. His actions don't show that he loves me anymore. Remember, love is an action word. I know in my gut at one point in time he did love me, but the guy who used to love me doesn't exist right now... His addict self does...

Where do I even begin?

Me and Dom stopped talknig for awhile and I suppose that somewhere along the way I fell in love. I thought that I would never take another chance on someone again, especially after Mr. Wrong and Robert. But, I did. And I am still taking that chance. We are now very much together. it's crazy to say this but I have never really had sex with someone that meant something to me. We'll see where this all goes...

Everything unfolds...

I had the wrong email address. This guy scares me and he makes me feel vulnerable. I've liked him for a year and nothing has been able to happen. He makes me feel like I could want a guy again and learn to trust him. Not just meet a guy and trust him from the very beginning. What can I say? I can be a silly girl, if not a completely stupid one.

I've changed so much. I'm not as dramatic as I used to be. I've simmered down a bit. Would I wait for this guy until the time is right, where it can happen? I don't know. He'd have to ask me and then I'd have to know what I'm waiting for. I just know I will never allow another guy to ever treat me as I've been treated before. What shall we name this guy? I think we will call him Dom.

Dom reminds me of Robert, except he wants to change. Robert is out there getting loaded all over again. Five months ago it made me sad, but it also made me realize that I had completely let him go. I just didn't care anymore.

Sometimes when someone hurts you enough, after awhile, you feel nothing. You eventually get over the pain, the tears, the heartache, and you're just tired. Exhausted. I was sick of trying to make something work that had died. I woke up one day and realized he's never going to care about me the way I deserve. I can't make him. He will always want to be with the mother of his child. I can't change that. And that's okay. I don't want to change it. I just don't care...

Mr. Wrong and Alyssa had their baby. He's a beautiful baby. I don't hate them anymore either. I just don't. I realized hating them took time out of my busy life. They were living their lives, happily, not knowing I hated them. Alyssa's stressed out because she thinks he's cheating. No matter how much he denies it she won't let go of that notion. I didn't tell her this, but ofcourse he's cheating on her. It's what he does.

I'm going to school so that I can work in the medical field. It's a bottom position. But, if there's anything I've learned this year is it's okay to start with nothing. It's okay to start from the bottom and work your way back up. I'm broke most of the time. For God's sake, I clean houses when I'm not in school. Can I tell you a secret? I'm the happiest I've ever been. I never thought I'd say this. But, material things don't make me happy. I have real friends today. I love my life despite my own bullshit. I'M FUCKING HAPPY AGAIN...

I haven't

Wrote anything in a very long time. I've been so very busy lately, just trying to figure out this thing called life. In any event, I am very stressed out about a situation right now. Remember I wrote about a guy I couldn't have in my last entry? Well, he gave me his email address. I wrote him yesterday. It shows that he opened the email. I am just afraid that he didn't read it and that someone else from his program did. I'm afraid he's in trouble. Anyway, I guess I won't ever know... Sooner or later I will. It's killing me. I hate waiting to know something. I suppose the accurate thing to say is I hate not being in the know. I should post more from now on. I'm not sure if anyone even reads this anymore. Doubtful. I think this is more for me now...

No one Understands...

They really fucking don't. How can they when I barely understand anything. I feel slightly depressed right now. It's Christmas eve and for the first christmas even in probably my entire life I'm virtually alone. There's only one person I want to spend it with and I can't... No one gets it. They just don't.

They always tell me you guys can't ever be together. You don't meet in rehab and end up with someone. It doesn't happen that way. They don't see what I see in him. All they see is someone with not alot of money, younger than me, and not that cute. They don't see what I see. Because, if they did, they'd want him too. But, their right in all they say. He is younger. Mr. Wrong was way hotter. And he has nothing. He's in rehab. But, he gets me. With one look he just knows. You know when you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that someone has seen past your pretty face? That you're more than that to them? Like you just know? That's how it was from that day.

It's not as if we were in the same program. We were in two different programs, one a male program and the other, the one I was in, was a female program. But, they had this event one day in the summer. It's like the one day where they can really talk to women. He infuriated me from the second we introduced. I thought he was completely off the hook. But, I can tell you one thing. He made me laugh. He made me smile. And I'll never forget that for the rest of my life.

You know those people that you know that you will never forget? He'll always be one of them. I miss him more than words could ever state. I haven't seen him in a month. I have to see him before I go crazy.

Progress report

A really long time. I've missed writing in here, but like I said I was going to rehab. And I've been there. And I'm almost done with it. One month to go. I had four months clean when I put myself there. I just felt like everything was falling apart and there were days when I wanted to kill myself. I've learned so much in treatment. I've grown so much. I'm alive again, like right before Mr. Wrong got out of rehab. I'm that girl again. I'm beautiful. I'm alive. And I know it. It's not perfect. I've got alot to sort out, but it's gonna be okay. I'm gonna be okay.

Alyssa's pregnant. Shocking. I saw her and Mr. Wrong a month ago. I was dressed to kill. I was home on a pass. She's fat, pregnant, and her baby's daddy is off the hook... And me, I'm recovering and can do anything I want to do once more. I want to live, be happy, and survive today... There's this guy I like in another program... but I respect that he's not supposed to talk to me... I know, I know, my downfall

Once more...

I'm leaving. For rehab. I wonder what will be said about me when I'm gone. Probably absolutely everything and anything. So, let's see, what's going on for the minute before Rashelle comes to takes me to rehab...

Jessica came around as she always does in the end. What can I say? we seem to be stuck together as friends on some level. Anyway, lately she knows what's going on with everyone...

Jane came to Jessica's in tears. Apparently Jason said that he had things going on and that he couldn't see her right now. We all know what that means. He wants to fuck other girls, right? Obviously...

Anyway, she's been hanging out with Matthew pretty much everyday. Matthew been creating quite the stir lately. Everytime Mr. Wrong isn't around she is all over him. I saw that when I was in sober living a couple months ago. When I saw them I even asked her if her and Mr. Wrong ago. As Matthew grabs her ass she tells me that her and Mr. Wrong are doing really well. Unbelievable...

Jessica can't believe Alyssa turned out to be such a whore and Alyssa can't believe that I don't like her. What is wrong with everyone? It took both of them that long to figure out both things? My god...

Goodbye, my loves. You'll get an entry in about a month or two. It time to leave and truly take care of myself. Everything will be alright...

I'm pretty much...

the deffinition of a lost girl right now. I used to always say I was lost in the back of my mind or that I didn't know who I was. We always know who we are. It's just that sometimes who we are is too much to face, so we go around saying we don't.

Let's see. I was the poor little rich girl. I was mommy's angel. I was the preppy girl. For a minute I was a metal head. But, always between those things I was an addict. Let's be honest, shall we? Crystal and coke were my lovers. They wer emy first, last, and always. People always said they would be the death of me. Sometimes I wonder if that's still true.

Lea's as good as gone. It's hard to talk to Rashelle. I can't call Robert or even Mr. Wrong. Jessica doesn't understand any of this. Kathryn and I rarely ever talk anymore. Hell, I'd settle for Joey, but these days he'd just shut me down. He used to never shut me down. I used to have his attention for hours on end. He'd listen to all my dramatic spews.

What happened to these people who loved me so much, or at least I thought they at least cared. They've all changed so much that it's like looking at strangers. I just want someone to listen to me, someone to care. So, I can say what I've been dying to say. I'm dieing inside and I'm drowning in the middle of the sea. Would you throw me a life jacket, please? But, even if they would listen I would never say that.

And the only person I can talk to out of all those people I listed is Mr. Wrong. But, things are so awkward between us. He kissed me. And instead of letting him like I used to I pulled away and asked him what he was doing.

"I missed you..."

"You don't get to miss me because you did this. I got to miss you for as long as I wanted to. But, I stopped missing you. You don't ever get to do this to me..."

"I'm still in love with you..."

"You were never in love with me to begin with. You don't love anyone. And I don't blame you. It's not your fault. You can't because you don't love yourself..."

"Well, neither do you?"

"What do you mean?"

"You walk everywhere holding your looks as a badge of honor so someone will notice, anyone..."

"Fuck you..." I said softly.

"You don't mean it..."

"You're right. I don't. I'm going to go before I say anything else I don't really mean..."

Sometimes I miss Robert. Sometimes I hate him. Sometimes I'm indifferent. I'm just tired of crying. It hurts. Maybe I'll call Jessica tommorow and tell her that she has no choice but to meet with me and at least hear me...

"Things change.
And friends leave.
And life doesn't stop for anybody..."

Everything feels so messed up...

I can't stop crying even as I write this. It feels like everything I ever built is falling to pieces. The people I love aren't being who I want them to be, or how they're supposed to be. I don't even know Lea anymore. It's like talking to a stone wall. We used to do everything together and now we don't. We've fought before. We've had big fights. I wish that's what it was. With a fight you can say things you don't mean. And then you can say sorry. And then things can maybe one day be the way they used to be. But, when there's no fight, and no one's done anything there's nothing to apologize for. We're just not going to be friend's forever, like we used to be. We've been friends, best friends, since I was fourteen. Well, if anything, this is the year where I'm learning forever is impossible.

Oh, who the hell am I kidding? I've known forever was impossible since the day I was born. But, I guess there's this part of me that wants to believe in it so badly, that I'll let people knock me to the ground everytime. Ever heard of the queen who fell from grace? Welcome to my world...

Saying goodbye...

I said goodbye forever to Robert. Ofcourse not face to face. I wrote a three page letter to myself that will never reach him. I kept thinknig one day we'd have this great conversation that would fix us, the situation. Nothing can fix the situation. Words have yet to be invented. And we will never have this conversation, because he doesn't deserve to hear how I really feel. Not now. Not ever. I deserved so much better than he could give. I'm done. With him. With his brother. Goodbye to that chapter in my life. Here's to a new one...

"This is my goodbye to you because I can’t do this anymore.
I may not be strong enough to stay around, but I’m wise enough…
To know it’s way past time to let you go.
I am going to miss you so much…"

The gossip...

Since that was the original intention of this blog. Let's see what is going on in the world I live in...

I saw the girl Robert chose after things didn't work out with his child's mother. She couldn't believe that he had baby mama drama. I really wanted to ask her how she couldn't know that? How stupid can one person really get?

Alyssa didn't invite me to her party last weekend. That's shocking. I think she's still somewhat upset over the fact that I slept with Mr. Wrong last summer. Whatever. Speaking of Mr. Wrong...

I saw Mr. Wrong tonight and he looked at me with those eyes. Yeah, I'm throughly convinced that those eyes will draw me into him until the day I die, or at least until I no longer know him. Sometimes he gives me a look and I think he wishes that he had chose differently. Fuck, if I were with Alyssa, I'd wish I had chosen the girl working the corner...

Amos came out of the closet. Such a pity. I really wanted to have him for a night or so. It could have been fun. He told me even if he primarily wants men, he'd make an exception for me. Gee, how did I ever get so lucky?

Jasmine's in rehab. I do miss her quite a bit. She always was the younger version of me.

Jason hasn't been around lately. There is a rumor around that he's dealing crack. Interesting. But, not likely.

I haven't heard shit about Robert. There's probably not much to say there. Will he choose this new girl on the scene or his baby's mama? The soap opera will one day unfold. Sooner than later, I expect.

Alea is still pining for the one in jail. Boring. No one knows what's going on with Jane, really. They tel me she's doing well. Even more boring. They tell me how happy Alyssa is, well except she's unhappy with me. Do you think I care? Not a chance in hell?

Haven't heard a thing about Mr. X in forever. I think he's now in the Marines. No one cares about Mr. Unmentionable really. He became boring as well as useless after he settled down with his trailer trash. Someone get in a fight or cheat on your significant other, please. I need more gossip. Well, there are two bits I won't leave out...

The first one is that for some reason (from what I hear) Alyssa is worried that Mr. Wrong is cheating on her or will sleep with me again. He did give me that smile tonight. But, whatever. I doubt I would ever go there with him again. I'm not saying it would never happen... But, you know what they say... Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me...

Jeff and I are on speaking terms once more. We've been texting and talking alot more than we probably should. Oh, well, what can I say? In case you could not tell, I have difficulty allowing the past to be the past. We'll see what happens. One thing I can say, this summer should be interesting...

I'm only human...

And sometimes I get to this point where I don't want to deal with anything or anyone. I push everyone away because I don't want them to hurt me. I put this wall up that no one can get through. I used to be cynical, sarcastic, yet deadly beautiful. Everyone loved me. Now I'm just this hurt person who doesn't want to deal with anyone because I'm tired of getting smashed to the ground everytime.

I was the queen bee, and now Alyssa is. The one thing she doesn't know is that the tiara is made of glass. When you're running with our crowd, it slips off breaking into a million pieces taking your heart with it. I don't want to be the queen bitch anymore, but I don't want to be alone either.

I saw Joey tonight. I looked at him. All I could think was who the hell is this guy, now? I don't know him. Yeah, there's a pattern. Apparently I don't know any of these men I thought I did. Anyway, He's charming, somewhat standoffish, and he's become gorgeous. Then a sad smile made its way to my face. He's what I used to be. I probably made him that way. I hugged him and walked away. I ran to my car, drove home, and broke down in tears.

There's been so much pain in my life. All I wanted my entire life was someone to fix me, someone to love me. I just wanted someone to really accept me for who I am. I just wanted to feel like I belonged somewhere. And no matter how many people were around me, I was just this lonely girl, who did drugs. I've always looked to a guy to fix me. This whole getting clean journey. First it started with Jeff, then Mr. Unmentionable, Joey, Bob, Jason, Mr. Wrong, Robert, and the list goes on. You want to know the sick truth?

I never truly cared about any of them. I lied to myself and made myself believe I did because then it made what I was doing okay. And what I was doing was looking to them to fix what is so twisted inside of me. If I got them to be mine, to really care about me, then maybe I was worth something. I would have gone to hell and back if they had said it would impress them? You want to know why I'm angry, hurt, and have put myself in isolation. None of them are hurt by me at all. They are all living their lives, without me. I'm the one who has to deal with the guilt, shame, and humiliation. And the worst part is I have no one to blame for it, but myself. I do it to myself everytime because I want to be loved. I seek the one thing that humans want and deserve, but from all the wrong places.

I've seen women behave like this my entire life. I always told myself I was never going to be like that. I was going to be strong, independent, and I wasn't going to need or depend on anyone else. I just wasn't going to be like those other women, you know?

And now sitting in this room I'm left with me, you know? I am tired of writing out ym feelings and talking about them. Everything hurts. It hurts and it's shameful when you realize you failed the aspirations of that little girl who wanted the world on the platter, and became everything you promised yourself you would never be.

I let myself down. Why am I even posting this? I suppose because this is real life. And it's not pretty and glamorous all the time. Behind the money, the expensive clothing, is a girl dying to break free. That's who I am. But, nobody knows that...

"The courage to be who I truly am, may be the hardest thing that I have ever done in life..."

I don't know him...

I saw everyone last night. Everyone from Alea to fucking Jason was there. Well, except for Mr. Wrong and Jessica. Ooh! Maybe they're secretly fucking eachother behind everyone's back. I suppose that that makes for an excellent story except that Jessica is in a newly commited relationship and simply loathes Mr. Wrong. I suppose that she better take a number and get in line.

So, I saw Robert talking with Alea, Alyssa, and Jane. I gave them hugs and he gave this serious and unreadable look, so I dismissed him. He walked over to me looking rather upset.

"Why didn't you hug me?"

"I didn't think you'd want me to," I answered honestly.

All I wanted to do at that point was run into his arms and have him pick me up. I swore to myself at that moment if he'd just look at me the way he used to or even take me in his arms I could forgive him. I could over look the fact that he had hurt me deeply. I just wanted a piece of the man I used to know back.

"You act like you don't know me anymore."

It took everything in me not to deeply scoff, looking at him as if he had lost his mind. I wanted to yell at him, that I don't know him anymore, that I never knew him to begin with. How could I? No one ever really does. He makes damn sure of that one.

"No, I don't."

We hugged. And he pretty much ignored me the entire night. I wanted to go home and cry my eyes out. I really did. I wanted Joey to show up or even Mr. Wrong. I needed to see one of them because they are my friends. He used to ignore me like that at times, but it was never like this. It never hurt me to this degree.

I think I am so hurt because I honestly and truly realize this time that we're never going to be the way that we used to be no matter what he says and no matter what I do. There's absolutely nothing I can do about it anymore. And I'm tired of hanging on for the both of us. All I needed was one word or one look that would tell me he still cared just a little bit. But, he couldn't give me that much.

I'm fighting for something that's dead. It hurts because he became the thing I wanted the most. I wanted him the most because hewas going to be for me, something just mine. And I don't care how selfish it is. I didn't care that it made no sense. Because when all is said and done, it's over.

I have to realize that even if he apologized, something he never does, would we go back? We can't. He was my friend above everything else. I always wanted him around, but was afraid he'd get loaded and leave me behind. That's funny. He didn't get loaded. But, he still left me in a way that hurts anymore. And right now, I don't know how to get past the part where he turned my back on him. I never knew Robert as the guy who would turn on me like that. And in all honesty I really don't want to.

I used to look in his eyes and see desire, fear, potential, and 100 other things. And now when I look into his eyes I see nothing. When he looks into my eyes I know that he sees he hurt me in a way he can never fix, so what is the point of trying? I think it's time for me to realize there's got to be more for me than these men I choose?

You want to know a little secret? I'll always have a place for Robert. Because, despite everything that's happened between us, I still care. I always will. I really give up this time. There's no reason to keep hanging on to someone who won't hang on to me...


"I miss who I thought you were.
I miss the friend who'd never let me down.
That’s the guy I miss.
I can't miss you...
I don't even know who you are anymore..."

My birthday...

was today. And it was everything I didn't want it to be, and nothing went the way I wanted it to. I didn't talk to him, the him who's not worth mentioning. I couldn't help but wonder if he would call me if he had known it was my birthday. Very doubtful. Then I had to work. Then I came home and I started crying. I don't want to be older. God, sometimes, I just want to be a kid again. I know it's impossible, but here's to hoping...

I just want this year to be better. I just want this year to really mean something to me. I want to be proud of it. I don't want to feel like I am wasting time and half of the time just existing. I want this year to count. I at least want to figure out where I am going in life. Right now I feel stuck. I hate feeling stuck and not having all the answers. I really do.

Sometimes I can't control everything. Some of the time I just have to let life happen. But, I don't want life to pass me by. I am capable of so many things in so many areas. I'm not even living half way to my potential. I'm not. And it's really, really, sad. I'm a talented person. And I'm willing to bet I have undiscovered talents. I don't even know what I'm trying to say... I just want more....

"I don't have you anymore. The part that scares me is when worse comes to worse you're all I got..."

I know...

Sometimes the trick is just to keep breathing no matter what. I have to remember that sometimes certain things fall apart so that other ones can fall together. At least that's what I am going to keep telling myself. If I say it enough times I may even believe it.

I was coming home from work the other day and I just started crying. He's such a loser and a waste of my time. It's not even that I still want him. It's that he was my friend, and now he's really not. It's that he hurt me, whether he wanted to or not. You want to know the part that hurts me the very most?

I did this to myself. There was never one point in time where he actually said he wanted to be with me or even had feelings for me. All of his actions indicated such a thing, but he never voiced any of this. Once again I placed expectations and pre conceptions on someone, just to be let down.

And so I cried. I cried because I lost my friend. We were always friends. I can't lie and say I don't miss my friend, because I do, very much so. I wish things weren't the way they were. But, like I said I did this to myself. I put myself where I knew it just wasn't gonna work. How was I gonna win? I couldn't have. And I feel this sense of loss and anger.

At least with Mr. Wrong I could very rightly point the finger at him and blame the entire situation on him. I could easily get away with it. Maybe I share some of the blame... Oh, who am I kidding? It was his fault. He deffinitely wanted me, even if for a night. But, with Robert....
I haven't seen Robert in about a week. That's good. I'm in no hurry to run into him. I bumped into Mr. Wrong yesterday at the beach. He came up to me soaking wet and hugged me, pretty much against my will. Then he pretty much ignored me...

"It's really time for me to move away from him.
From all this.
I don't even know who he is anymore..."

It all changes...

I miss the days where he couldn’t shut me out no matter how hard he tried. I remember he would push me away. I would push back. And I would get into his head just a little bit. He was just a little bit attached to me. Why does it have to be this way, Robert? How did you find a way to permanently keep me away, to shut me out? I would still crawl over broken glass in order to be any part of his life that meant something, anything at all. I wish I could find a way in. Saturday he wouldn’t even hug me. A huge part of me tells me to completely give up, that he wasn’t mine to begin with. In what world could we have worked out? It hurts, just a little bit. Oh, who the hell am I kidding? It pretty much fucking kills me.

It was never supposed to be Robert. But he was all I had. And in that moment he reached me when no one else could. He forced me to smile when I swore I would never be able to laugh again. So, do I hate him? No, I love him (as a friend) because he saved me when no one else could… I’ll always be thankful for that, for the rest of my life…

I saw Joey yesterday. My heart stopped beating for a moment. You don’t understand. I hadn’t seen him in months. I hate to say this, but he looked really good. He sat next to me, we shared a cigarette, and then he left. He left without saying goodbye. He's never done that to me before. I was able to observe him for those moments. And in those moments I realized how much of a part of my life he used to be, how deeply he’s affected me. I miss the days when I could call him. He would drop everything he was doing just to make sure that I was alright.

Mr. Wrong would barely even look at me. I guess he went from having problems with Alyssa last weekend to practically being married to her. I don’t even know how to explain it all. I thought that no matter what has happened I would always have a hold of sorts on him. But, I don’t. I still know he cares about me. He gave me a huge hug.

I’m forced to look at my relationship with all three of these men and realize how it has effected and changed my life profoundly. They’ve all affected my life in different ways, forcing me to change. All I can say is it gets harder every day to keep that smile painted on. Eventually my face is gonna crack…



"Some of the men in my past are nothing but wounds that healed.
But, darling, you've left the scar that will never be erased."

It's like...

I think I know what I want and I think I know everything, and then some higher power out there throws me a curve ball. It's as if he's trying to say you don't know what you want and you don't know shit about anything. My problem is I always think the grass is going to be greener on the other side. It never is though. The problem is no matter what is really going to make me happy, life shows up. It has a really funny way of doing that.

The thing about life is its real. It's not a movie. It's painful. It's always changing. People never end up being who you want them to be or even who you thought they were. People always surprise you. The ones you love betray you. The ones who you thought would never understand you, you can't imagine your life without them...

I thought I got Robert. I thought I saw him for who he really was. I thought I had him wrapped around my finger just a little bit. You want to know what I know now? I never knew him. I knew who he let me see. No one ever sees Robert. But, maybe I did, for just a second. All I know is he didn't choose me. He didn't even choose his baby's mama... He lied to me... The twins are an enigma if not anything else...

Hold your head up high, gorgeous... There are those that would kill to see you feel

Well...

You know what they say. The ups go down... That's what's been happening. I'm home. I think coming home is the biggest mistake I've made. For the last two months I've had people breathing down my neck telling me what to do and how to do it. Not many people know I'm back, but Friday... that's when everyone will be there. I mean everyone from Mr. Wrong to Jessica. This ought to be interesting. I don't know what I am going to say or do when I see Robert in just a couple of days. God help us all. I think I've really found a way to bring meaning to the phrase shit's about to go down... In what world did I think Robert, baby, baby's mama, and me made for a happy ending. I'm a very silly girl in so many ways. I'm not all that nervous about seeing Mr. Wrong. But, Robert, (and his baby's mama) is a complete and total different story...

Mr. Wrong resurfaces...

In my mind once more... I don't know why and I don't know what it is. I heard him and Alyssa are on the rocks. I don't know. Someone told me that they are in love. I tried not to laugh at that. Mr. Wrong in love? Somebody tell me we've achieved world peace or that George Bush is the best president that we've ever had. Please. Both of those things are quite more believable. Mr. Wrong did something terrible to an almost enemy of mine. I just sighed. I wasn't surprised. There is absolutely nothing that Mr. Wrong could say or do that would shock me in the least. On some level I miss that fucked up asshole. No matter what he's done to me I will never be able to hate him for anything he's done. A part of me can't wait to visit home and shake things up.

There's a huge part of me that wants to visit looking hotter than shit, stir things up, fuck with Robert's mind, Mr. Wrong's mind, plant seeds of doubt in Alyssa's mind, and be the complete center of attention. It's what I lived for, but I'm trying to be different. I'm trying to change. Why do I want to break them up? Why do I even care? Mr. Wrong and I also have no place together. He's one step above his twin... Speaking of Robert...

I haven't talked to him since that night. It's kind of like it was with Mr. Wrong. I don't miss him as much as I thought that I would. But, there are moments... Believe me when I say there are moments where I wonder how things could have been different... With Robert......... or even MR WRONG..

Everything...

is going to be just fine. Someone told me to take three days to be upset with him and cry or do whatever I had to do. That's what I did. Well, by Saturday I was fine. I realized in what world would we fucking work? He doesn't have a car right now and neither do I. He's not even working right now and I am. What were we going to do? Meet for a date I pay for on the bus? That sounds so silly and rediculess that I laugh as I write this. Robert was a great fantasy just like his brother. Sounds wonderful. The gangster and the ex- (turned sometimes) princess. It makes for a worthwhile novel. Jackie Collins could write it. But, in real life? No, it just doesn't happen. I don't know what will happen when I see him next, but that'll come in time. I'll write more tommorow. I'm tired... In case anyone cares, I'm doing fantastic at my new job...