So, it's not Just Me

I thought I was the only one out of our group of friends who didn’t just adore Alyssa. I can’t believe that I just wrote about someone adoring Alyssa. The very thought of it is enough to make me want to kill myself. It truly is. I hate to say it, but almost everyone loves her. Except Jasmine. She hates Alyssa for two reasons.

Jasmine cannot stand the heinous things that she continues to pull all for the sake of being in the spot like. Really, all you have to do is stop putting on as much make up as Mimi does (Drew Carey). And Alyssa, it wouldn’t kill you to lose a couple of pounds. Oh, what am I saying? She needs to lose a lot more than a couple of pounds, for God’s sake. Who the fuck am I trying to fool?

Jasmine can’t stand the fact that Alyssa is with Joey. Apparently no one can. You would think all of us girls were fighting over Brad Pitt the way we carry on about him. I’m sorry to say that he is nothing more than an average American male. If only I could say that. The average American male probably deserves our attention more than Joey does.

I thought that it was all about the outward appearance these days. But, no of course that’s not how it is at all. It seems as if we are putting all those skills we learned from Sunday school as children into effect. Now we are looking within someone’s soul for who they truly are or something equally as rediculess. That’s probably not true. But, it’s the only explanation that I can come up with why all of us seem to lose it over this guy. He’s not even all that attractive, for God’s sake.

It’s simply embarrassing to say that I was so deeply attracted and attached to him at one point in time. God, what was I thinking exactly? I possibly wasn’t. Or, like my earlier theory, I was looking within his soul. That causes me to slightly laugh. Oh, what is becoming of me?

Apparently when Joey and Alyssa split I wasn’t the only one he was trying so hard to talk to. Apparently he wanted to be with Jasmine right before he was with Alyssa. This all happened right before he ended things with me, not that we were together at any given point.

Everyone Notices when they walk into a Room

The minute I saw Robert last night my heart started beating much faster than it really should have. All I know is that I walked by him, acting as if I had no idea that he was there. I knew that if he was like his brother he would make it impossible for me to not notice his presence. If there was anything that Mr. Wrong couldn’t stand it was being ignored.

Of course I was right. I usually am on these types of things. He pulled me into a close embrace. I couldn’t help but smile against him. I knew others were looking at us with a disapproving glance. I live for such things as these. I truly do. I pulled away from his embrace, feigning that he had hurt me.

“No, it didn’t! You’re tough as nails…”

“Are you gonna give me a ride…”

“Maybe…”

“I think you will. In fact, I know that you’re going to…”

“Don’t be so sure of yourself, princess.”

“I can’t help it, really.”

Naturally, he gave me a ride home. At one point I was on the phone with Mr. X. He said something that made me smile. Of course Robert assumed that I was on the phone with some phantom boyfriend, that I neither have the time or the energy to put up with on any level.

“Are you on the phone with your boyfriend?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know?”

“I asked, didn’t I?”

“Maybe…”

“You’re cheating on me already?”

I of course laughed at him before looking at him as if he had absolutely lost his mind. And the part that causes me a great sense of amusement is that he probably had. I doubt that this will be the last time this occurs either.

Robert reminds me of Mr. Wrong in so many ways. But, at the same time, he will never be his brother. It doesn’t matter that I want him to be. Robert makes me laugh and they have so many of the same mannerisms that it’s shocking really. He reminds me of how much I really miss Mr. Wrong.

There was just always something about him that I could never seem to resist, didn’t want to. They both possess such magnetic personalities that it’s quite surprising. It doesn’t matter what they say or do, really. You just want to be in their company, whatever may be going on is of very little relevance. You want to know more about who they could possibly be and why they do the things that they do.

I don’t suppose that I have real feelings for either one of them. I won’t lie to myself and pretend I do. Mr. Wrong and I had amazing sex. We share an amazing chemistry of sorts, one could say. Something about their essence captivates me, more Mr. Wrong then his brother.

All day long I thought of Mr. Wrong. I wish I could tell you I didn’t, but I did. I can’t wait until he gets out of rehab. I cannot deny the fact that I look forward to that day very much so. It plagues my mind a great deal. I just want to see him again. I’m just worried that he won’t come back when he gets out of rehab. I’ll let you in on a little secret. The thought of him not coming back is more than I can possibly bear. Here’s another secret. I don’t want to know why the idea of him not returning causes me to feel a sense of immeasurable sorrow…

He has feelings for me again...

Does Joey want a metal for realizing what everyone including his girlfriend already knew? He called me this morning to inform me of this nauseating information. If I wasn't so upset with him I would have had no choice but to show him pity, a sense of kindness not easily rendered from me.

"You had your chance with me. I believe that you blew it in every single way possible..."

"I know that. But, it doesn't make the feelings go away."

I sighed, somewhat annoyed. It was seven in the morning for Christ's sake. He woke me up for this particular reason. I thought it would be something important and dramatic. I don't know. Maybe Jane finally found out that Jason was cheating on her and she had killed him. But, no such luck. Or I would have even been satisfied with the fact that Alyssa had done the world a favor and killed herself.

"I don't have feelings for you anymore. You let me down by not standing up for me. I had faith that you would. You've never disappointed me to this degree before. I will always love you as a friend. I'm beginning to see that I have no choice in that matter. I still think you are a coward, though..."

"I can't really blame you for feeling that way."

"I deserve so much more than you. I really do. Goodbye..."

I hung up the phone with him. And for the first time in months I felt this sense of relief. I finally had the chance to tell him at least half of the things I wanted to say. I feel like I can finally move on from him and not resent him so harshly.

Resenting him is really the last thing I want to do. It doesn't help me. It doesn't really do anything for anyone, if you know what I mean. Besides, I can't seem to get Mr. Wrong out of my head lately...

How one would analyze Joey

It's quite simple really when all is said and done. He believes he's in love with Alyssa because that's what he needs to. He stays with her because she's easy. If he stopped lying to himself and admitted that he didn't love her he would have to admit that that he's just using her for sex. That's the last thing that he wants to admit. And he talks to me when he knows I've absolutely had it with him because he doesn't want to lose me. He also knows that now he'll never have me. That probably kills him. He probably knows that he should have had me when he could have.

He admitted to me the other day that the only reason why he didn't help me out that day was because he was so worried about what Alyssa would think, what she would say. He actually had the gall to ask me if I understood.

"The only thing that I can possibly understand is that you're a coward."

"You don't understand..."

"Joey, at this point I don't believe I care to."

"I'm in love. You would understand if you were as well..."
I sighed deeply before hanging up on him. There was no point in continuing this conversation. There was something else I did understand that I didn't bother to share with him. He's still a boy trying so desperately to be a man.

I won't fault him for trying so hard to change. I can't. I do feel a sense of pity or sympathy for him. How could I feel that way towards him after everything that the two of us have been through? I'm only human. Even I have my weak spots...

The Story of Mr. Wrong

I haven’t thought about him in a very long time. At first I wondered what made me think of him again. I think it’s because his twin brother, Robert is back in the picture. I believe that they are fraternal twins because they don’t look all that much alike. But, then again, you never know these days…

Mr. Wrong is every mother’s worse nightmare about whom their daughter could possibly end up with. Well, maybe not every mother’s nightmare, but if my mother knew that I had slept with him she would probably kill herself. I don’t suppose she would see that there could possibly be worse choices out there for me.

My mother would take one look at his many tattoos and his outstanding criminal record. Then it would be off to the convent for me, or confession at the very least. The point that I am making here is that she can never find out about my past with Mr. Wrong. He was the worst kind of man for me, so of course that meant that I had to be around him. There was something forbidden about him if not completely intoxicating.

I met him for the first time when I was about sixteen years old. I didn’t remember much about him. At the beginning of last year he was all any of my friends could seem to talk about. At first I was bored. But, then when they went on to tell me all about his past and reputation with the opposite sex I was intrigued to say the least. How could I possibly not be?

At first I didn’t even know who they were talking about. But, I did know that I had to meet him and see his actions first hand. I deduced that either I would be sorely disappointed or vaguely impressed. It all depended how he went about his different affairs with women.

I’ll never forget how when I saw him for the first time last summer since I was sixteen. I knew immediately who he was. My first thought was that he looked pretty good for someone who couldn’t seem to keep themselves out of prison. He dressed with a sense of class that slightly shocked me. He was a thug, for God’s sake. I’ll always remember that arrogant smirk on his face as he approached me. He liked what he saw. But, then again, most men in their right mind do. Hell, I’ve even been known to attract a couple of ones who weren’t.

I pretended as if I had absolutely no idea who he could possibly be. He seemed almost appalled that I couldn’t recall the fact that we had in fact met a couple years ago. Men of his nature always are. He went on to introduce himself to me all over again. I laughed and informed Mr. Wrong that I knew all about him and his ways already.

He demanded to know exactly what I had heard. I tossed my head to the side and informed him that a good girl never tells her source. I made sure to add an innocent smile to the equation. He now wanted to know everything I had heard. I asked him at that point if he hadn’t just heard me a few moments ago. I’ll never forget that first conversation after not seeing him for about three years.

“Perhaps when I meet that girl I will listen to what she has to say. Who really knows? But, I will tell you one thing. You will never be a good girl. Who are you trying to fool?”

“The world, perhaps…”

“I’m not buying it…”

“Congratulations would be in order if I was interested…”

“I already think you are…”

“I’ll have you know that I’m not…”

“But, you will be…”
I suppose that we would have continued our slight banter if he hadn’t chosen that moment to just walk away from me. I was quite upset and deeply offended. We were in the middle of a conversation and he just walked away. Did he have no idea just who he was talking to?

Our paths crossed once more later that summer. Our mutual friend’s family was having a Fourth of July barbeque. As I arrived at the party I noticed him playing in the street with my friend’s siblings and their friends. My friend commented that it was like watching a father playing with his children. I ruefully thought about the fact that he had slept with enough women that it could possibly be so. How funny! But, then again, there are consequences for all actions, yes?

He immediately walked towards me and tried to talk with me. I gave him a small smirk and asked my friend if one of her brothers were around. I was in need of some sort of entertainment, a diversion of sorts. He followed me to the side of the house.

“Stalking is illegal in every state from what I’ve heard…”

“You wouldn’t be avoiding me now would you?”

“Please don’t make me laugh,” I smiled as I turned around.

We were a couple inches apart. I stood there wondering what he would do, refusing to move because a part of me wanted to know if he was as good as everyone said that he was.

He leaned in and kissed me and I was pleased that for once that all of the rumors were not based on false evidence. The rest is pretty much history. Well, except for the fact that he did drugs again, stole a car, went to jail, got out of jail, stayed the night at my house when my mother was out of town, and we had amazing sex. But, other than that it’s all history, done with. He’s now in rehab. Good for him.

I can honestly say that he gave me the best sex I’ve ever had. Oh, yes. That’s why I probably also thought of him again. A girl who is not easily impressed in the bedroom doesn’t forget the best sex of her life. There’s just not a chance…

On a personal note...

I realized I'm still really screwed up in the head. This whole year has honestly been about trying to change, trying to leave behind the person I was. I've said this once. I'll say it again. I used to do alot of drugs. I used to drink. Every teenager does, I suppose. But, not every teenager gets as out of control as I did. I've now been clean for a year. And, I realize I want that instant gratification.

I want to people to see how much I've changed, that I'm different now. But, more than anything I want my mother and I to have the relationship back that we did. It's not happening fast enough for me. I'm afraid we'll never being close again and to be honest it makes me want to break down and cry. To be honest just a step further I did break down and cry, all through today. I didn't even want to talk to her today... Fuck that I didn't want to talk to anyone. I went as far as to shut off my phone. I see that it's true what I heard someone once say to me...

"Wounds heal, but scars are forever..."

How did Alea being a fucking bitch and Joey a coward bring me to this realization? I'm not sure. Alea called Lea a whore last night, but I didn't find out about it until this morning. If it had been just that I would have let it go. But, I have been dealing with shit from Alea, Alyssa, and Jane for months. It's gotten to the point where enough is enough. I'm so sick of them acting like they love me to death and then fucking with me like this. It's fucking pathetic.

Alea didn't call Lea a whore because she really thought that. Ofcourse she didn't. She called her such a name because she wanted to get to me. If you have something to say to me come to my face and fucking say it or shut the hell up about it. But, don't you dare even think about hurting one of my Best friends to achieve it. She said alot of other fucked up shit about Lea that I don't even want to get into...

Joey, Joey, Joey... He was supposed to help me out with something yesterday. At the last moment he backed out because he was so worried about what Alyssa would say. There's nothing in this world I hate more than being vulnerable. But, I am just going to come out and say it. He really, really, hurt me, by not standing up for me... I thought he would, but he didn't. I'm dissapointed in him...

When there's nothing going on in my life...

I like to thank the stars in Hollywood for giving me something to talking about. First of all Britney Spears has absoloutely lost her fucking mind, assuming that she had one to begin with. Seriously, who shows up to a deposition so late and then refuses to give the father her kids, when he has custody of them. Read the story here. It will not dissapoint you. I can promise you that much...

Don't even get me started on Lindsay...