It all changes...

I miss the days where he couldn’t shut me out no matter how hard he tried. I remember he would push me away. I would push back. And I would get into his head just a little bit. He was just a little bit attached to me. Why does it have to be this way, Robert? How did you find a way to permanently keep me away, to shut me out? I would still crawl over broken glass in order to be any part of his life that meant something, anything at all. I wish I could find a way in. Saturday he wouldn’t even hug me. A huge part of me tells me to completely give up, that he wasn’t mine to begin with. In what world could we have worked out? It hurts, just a little bit. Oh, who the hell am I kidding? It pretty much fucking kills me.

It was never supposed to be Robert. But he was all I had. And in that moment he reached me when no one else could. He forced me to smile when I swore I would never be able to laugh again. So, do I hate him? No, I love him (as a friend) because he saved me when no one else could… I’ll always be thankful for that, for the rest of my life…

I saw Joey yesterday. My heart stopped beating for a moment. You don’t understand. I hadn’t seen him in months. I hate to say this, but he looked really good. He sat next to me, we shared a cigarette, and then he left. He left without saying goodbye. He's never done that to me before. I was able to observe him for those moments. And in those moments I realized how much of a part of my life he used to be, how deeply he’s affected me. I miss the days when I could call him. He would drop everything he was doing just to make sure that I was alright.

Mr. Wrong would barely even look at me. I guess he went from having problems with Alyssa last weekend to practically being married to her. I don’t even know how to explain it all. I thought that no matter what has happened I would always have a hold of sorts on him. But, I don’t. I still know he cares about me. He gave me a huge hug.

I’m forced to look at my relationship with all three of these men and realize how it has effected and changed my life profoundly. They’ve all affected my life in different ways, forcing me to change. All I can say is it gets harder every day to keep that smile painted on. Eventually my face is gonna crack…



"Some of the men in my past are nothing but wounds that healed.
But, darling, you've left the scar that will never be erased."