This cannot be goodbye...

I saw Robert this evening when I was with my girlfriends. My heart started beating erratically. I prayed that he wouldn’t ignore me as he did last night. For some reason when he acted as if I didn’t exist the other night it crushed me. I don’t know how to explain it. I need to be noticed by him. I need to mean something to him, anything at all.

Robert tries his hardest to be a rough guy. He closes himself off more than his brother does. He pretends as if he cares for no one outside of his family. He believes to love someone is the deadliest sin, more so than even I do. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t completely infatuated with him.

I want him to trust me, to open up to me, to see that I am not going to hurt him. What am I saying? I am going to hurt him. I am seeing his brother tomorrow. And I think he knows that. I want him to lower his walls and to let me in. I want to see that he doesn’t have as much to be scared of as he thinks he does. Like his brother, he’s an enigma. I always seem to find the guys who are that, who are different from all the others. My only problem is I fall hopelessly for them. They are always the ones I cannot keep.

He looked at me for a moment. It was an unreadable expression that made its way on his face. I did my best to mask my emotions. Now was not the time for him to see everything I had inside of me. Now was not the time for him to see my true feelings. I didn’t even notice as my friends walked a ways away. He just kept on looking. I didn’t want him to see what he meant to me.

He doesn’t mean what his brother does to me. But, he means something. I couldn’t tell you what exactly. But, it matters to me. He matters to me. If he wasn’t around tomorrow I couldn’t promise someone that I would be okay. What it comes down to is I want him in my life; I need him to be there. I need our unhealthy arguments, his presence, and his thuggish mannerisms. It may make me sound like a sick individual but I don’t want to be without it.

“I see that you’re not still ignoring me,” I started out, dying inside to break his stare. It was making me insanely nervous.

“I never was. You’re an impossible person to ignore…”

“Yes, I know…”

Then he took a couple of steps towards me and hugged me. He held me close for awhile. I love his suffocating hugs. I held onto him. I couldn’t shake the feeling that something had changed forever, that I was losing him. I didn’t want this to be goodbye. It felt as if he was hugging him goodbye.

“You hugged me as if this is goodbye…”

“Maybe it is,” he said with an air of finality.

He didn’t say anything else to me. Robert went to talk with some of his friends. And once again that mask was up. This can’t be goodbye, now can’t it? Things can’t end like this, right? They can’t… I won’t let them…

This is going to sound so childish and immature on my part but I wish I had a twin as well. I wish I could give that twin to Robert, so things would be alright. I could find out what’s truly going on between Mr. Wrong and I. And Robert would still be happy. But, you want to know what? I’d fucking want to kill my twin for even thinking of taking Robert away from me. Oh, dear God. What am I even saying anymore? I’ve gotten to the point where I’ve completely lost my ground…

The Plan has been stepped Up...

I am going to his treatment facility for that meeting tomorrow evening. I haven’t seen him in months. I don’t think I could possibly be more nervous than I am at this point in time. I almost don’t even know what to do with myself. I haven’t seen Mr. Wrong since that morning. All I’ve had is what I’ve heard about him. You know how gossip is. It’s all hearsay really. But, underneath it all I am really excited about it all. I just don’t want to be disappointed…

I was talking with my friend Kathryn this afternoon. She made me remember the good things about Mr. Wrong, the stuff I didn’t want to remember. If I could hold onto all of the bad things then there was a chance I could come out of this alright. But, she had to force me to remember all of the good things.

“There are not as many girls in his past as everyone says. A lot of it is just gossip. What man in his right mind would deny such a rumor as that? I cannot think of one. Do you remember how he would have done anything for someone he cared about?”

I slightly nodded my head. I didn’t want to think about that. She looked as if she was waiting for my response. I was at a loss of words. What was I supposed to say to any of that?

“You care about him, don’t you?”

I didn’t trust my voice. I just nodded my head like an idiot.

“Just make sure when you go there you tell him we haven’t forgotten about him, that people back here still care about him. Will you do that for me?”

I promised her that I would. I never thought of it like that. I felt a sense of compassion for Mr. Wrong. As much as he tries to pretend nothing affects him, it must hurt that he’s far from home. It would hurt me. So, that’s why I’m not as nervous about seeing him as I was earlier. Kathryn accused me of the strangest thing.

“Don’t fall in love with him…”

“I’m not. We’re friends…”

“Why am I telling you not to fall in love with him? You already are…”

I turned the other direction and walked away. I wanted nothing to do with that conversation in any capacity. I am not in love with him. It is beneath me. Love will only destroy you. Let me tell you something. I refuse to love him…

My Dramatic Antics have rubbed off on Nelly...

In two weeks I plan on visiting Mr. Wrong at his treatment facility. Nelly believes that she will accompany me. I realize that I really should not involve her in all of this but I can’t seem to help it. I wish I could change my mind and just let things be, but I can’t.

What do I plan to happen? What do I hope to accomplish by seeing him? Do I think he’ll take one look at me and decide that I am the girl of his dreams? If that did in fact happen, it would be the worst thing. I already know that no one accept the fact that he is with me.

He is a well known man whore, if you will. He has sex with women and then pretends as if they mean nothing to him. Do I expect to be anything more to him, just because he didn’t treat me like garbage the next day? I’ve said this before. And I will say it now. I am way over my head. He may still be with that undeseriable woman. I do not know what I am doing. I need a plan of action. Why am I putting myself through all of this for one man?

I know the rules. Every girl really should. You never give one man everything. If you don’t give one man everything there’s not a way to be left with nothing. He does not deserve to have everything I could possibly offer. But, I take one look at him. And as much as I’ll deny it one hundred times I would put everything on the line to be everything to him.

I take one look at him and I care nothing for my reputation. He kisses me and the rest of the world fades away. I realize how corny this may sound, but it’s the truth. Maybe I don’t have genuine feelings for him. Perhaps I just want to feel again. I just want that feeling I get in his arms.

Then again maybe I’m just one of many girls he took a liking too. Who knows? He may not even remember me. I’m going to that treatment facility because I need to know. I need to know if this is all in my head or not. I need to know if I mean anything at all to him, or if I am just like all the other girls in his life…

I saw Robert tonight. He looked at me, hugged all of those around him and walked right passed me. I have to admit something. I have feelings for him. I do. But, I want his brother. I don’t want Robert to get hurt in all of this. As long as I don’t allow myself to get wrapped up in him everything will turn out okay, right? They have to be. Then again if things have to turn out alright, why do I feel as if the opposite will be the ending result?

Mr. Wrong's Mother...

I saw Mr. Wrong and Robert’s mother this evening. I suppose anyone who would read this would make the deduction that they share the same mother, seeing that they are fraternal twins. Well, one would have to be a complete moron not to see that they would share the same mother and father. But, then again, people these days don’t seem to have a great deal of intelligence if you know what I mean…

She warmly embraced me and asked how I’ve been. I smiled before deciding to answer that question. I mean, really, how do you answer that question? I wasn’t going to tell her how I’ve really been. So, I did what seems to be second nature to me. I lied. It’s really what I seem to do the best…

“I’ve been doing quite well. There have been a few bumps in the road lately, but that’s to be expected. It’s part of life. Also, I think it has to do with me being at the age I am…”

“Of course, honey… I just wish my sons could have gotten it at the age you have, staying clean…”

“Well, they’re clean now,” I said somewhat sharply, not being able to stop myself from defending them.

“Who knows how long it will last. I’ve seen you around Robert a few times, lately. You’ve met my other son?”

For a moment my heart literally stopped beating. Of course I had met her other son. It was nice of her to put it in such a delicate fashion. If you wanted to place it in those terms one might say I had met her other son quite a few times.

“Yes, I have. I’m glad he’s doing well. Excuse me, I see Jessica. I’ve been meaning to have a word with her all night…”

I excused myself and walked away. I didn’t want to tell her anything, what had been really going on. If she really knew the woman would not openly embrace me. Good God no! So, I talked with Jessica about one hundred meaningless sons when I was thinking about Mr. Wrong’s mother and the one thing I couldn’t tell her…

I couldn’t walk over to her and tell her how much I care about both of her sons and how one means more than the other. I could never tell her how it would kill me to have to ever choose one over the other, because they both mean so much to me.

But, there will come the day where I won’t have either of them, or I will have to choose one of them. The thought of not having them both in my life, the way I want them to be, kind of kills me. I guess my problem in life is I want everything to go my way and for everyone to not only accept that, but be perfectly happy with it…

Things were so Weird last Night

I was so sick last night and Robert was acting strange. He would talk to me for a few seconds and then act as if I didn’t exist, as if he didn’t know me. The two of us were talking with Allen. He said he loved me, which caused Allen to raise his eyebrows in complete shock. Robert laughed.

“You love her,” questioned Allen in complete shock.

“No, I got love for her. You know the only person I love is my daughter…”

“Love will destroy someone,” I commented.

Robert looked somewhat impressed with my deduction. I knew he agreed. He looked at me for a moment.

“The two of us are talking…”

I smiled flirtatiously at Robert before walking away to allow them to discuss whatever it is they needed to talk about. It was all very strange. It was as if he wanted me around but at the same time wanted me to go as far away as humanly possible.

Jasmine said she thinks he’s trying to avoid me because he has feelings for me. I have feelings for him too, no matter what I want to think is true. But, it can’t go anywhere. It really can’t. As much as I have feelings… it’s just the last thing that either of us really need. Robert and Mr. Wrong know how to confuse a girl, twist her up from the inside out… They truly do…

By the end of the night I felt as if I was about to puke at the very least. I felt somewhat dizzy. It’s strange because I haven’t gotten sick in such a very long time. I hate it. I truly do. Someone make it go away. It sucks. Before I left Robert came up to me…

“You’re leaving without saying goodbye?”

“I’m not feeling well, so I am going to go home…”

“Okay…”

“Alright, I’ll see you.” I began to walk away from him.

“You’re not going to give me a hug goodbye?”

“I’m getting sick. I don’t want you to catch it…”

“Who cares?”

He gave me a tight hug as usual and I couldn’t help but smile, as I usually do when he hugs me. I realize I am way over my head with the both of them. What do I think I am doing?

I mean, have I even thought about what will happen when they are both in the same location, supposing that that ever happens? I’m sure I have, once or twice. But, what will be, will be. Alyssa told me that. How fucking funny is that?

What would I do without Nelly, who always shows and tells me how to live? She’s had to put up with all my dramatic antics. Poor girl. What am I saying? I believe she rather enjoys it all…

I thought I had already lost my mind...

I had to go and prove myself wrong, of course. People have always called me crazy. But, if they knew about yesterday they would consider me perfectly sane before what I did. Normal people don’t do these things. They just don’t. It doesn’t occur to them to do such things and even if it did they would not follow those particular thoughts to conclusion.

Mr. Wrong’s mother had told me a couple of weeks ago where he was in rehab. I wasn’t sure if that was the name of the treatment facility or just the city it happened to be in. I decided to put the internet to good usage. I looked it up, did some research if you will. I wish I hadn’t done it, but I did.

Perhaps one would think I was just curious about his where a bouts. That is in fact the truth. Naturally, I was curious about where he was. Who wouldn’t be? A lot of people are. But, they didn’t find the place. I suppose I wouldn’t be labeled as insane if the next steps hadn’t taken place.

I went online and found out when there were meetings there, for people who weren’t just in the treatment facility. I even found out what day they were. Then I called some friends I knew of who go to that meeting. I asked them if they knew who he was. They were sure that they did. And in two weeks I think I am planning to go there. I realize I’ve completely lost my mind… I’ve completely gone off the deep end… But, you want to know something? I have to know.

I wish I could tell you what I have to know exactly, but I can’t put it into words. I just have to see him again; even it’s just one more time. I want to see him smile at me, while I pretend to be aloof, as if I don’t care. You want to know a secret? I care more about him than I am willing to admit.

The Last Time I Saw Mr. Wrong...

Evan, one of my platonic friends called me the other night, wanting to know if we could get together. I knew that it was rather late, but I was so bored. I didn’t see any harm in the situation. We went over to his house to watch movies. That really was my first mistake in my opinion. We almost had sex, but we didn’t.

From the second his lips touched mine I was able to kiss him back. I have never really been interested in Evan but it had been so long since I had had human contact of that nature. Then before I could help it I started thinking about Mr. Wrong. Evan could never be him. I asked him to take me home.

As he drove me home some sad song came on the radio. I leaned back and all I could think about was that he wasn’t Mr. Wrong. No one could be, no matter how much I wanted them to be. And then I couldn’t help but remember the last time I saw Mr. Wrong…

“What movies do you have?”

I looked at Mr. Wrong grinning. He wore a smirk of sorts on his face and in that moment I had never found him more attractive.

“What do you want to watch,” I asked him, giggling.

“You smile. Whenever you smile there’s no possible way for you to be prettier,” he quietly stated.

He suddenly looked so sad. I knew this could very well be the last time I would see him for a very long time. I knew that he needed help, needed to clean his life up. I also knew that there was a chance he was going to screw it all up again.

I turned away from him. I felt like I was going to cry. That was the last thing that I wanted him to see. There was no real reason for me to cry over him. We were barely even friends. Kissing him one time didn’t really mean anything.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” I said, refusing to turn around.

Suddenly I felt a pair of arms wrap around me. I leaned against him and sighed deeply. I knew maybe in another life time this could be. Definitely not in this one, though. There was also that girl…

“Does your girlfriend know that you’re here,” I asked still in his embrace.

“She’s not my girlfriend. She calls herself that. I’m fucking her. I live with her. She has money…”

“You’re using her,” I accused, turning around. His arms were still wrapped around me. Our faces were about an inch apart.

“Sometimes you do what you gotta do…”

“You’re fucked up. You’re supposed to be with someone who cares about you. Well, I’m sure she cares about you, since she’s having you live with her. But, you don’t care about her!”

“Who do I care about, then? You,” he challenged.

I didn’t even want to know that answer to that question. It was the last thing in the world I wanted to deal with.

“Why did you tell me the truth, about your relapse,” I questioned.

“Because I wanted to…”

Then he kissed me and then all I can say is that he gave me the best sex I’ve ever had. We hung out for a little bit the next morning. It was kind of strange because there was nothing awkward about it.

I remember watching him leave that morning. I knew even at that point that it would be a very long time before I saw him again. I still think of that morning from time to time, wondering if things could have been different. I want to see him again…